Love Me: Oakville Series:Book 5 (10 page)
“Marcus, you were with me in the doctor’s office. This. Is. Not. Going. Away. You need to come to terms with that. I am dying. I don’t want to leave you and Chase. Knowing I’ll be leaving you both breaks me. That’s why I want whatever time we have left together to be happy. I want to make memories that y’all can hold onto when I’m gone. I don’t want those memories to be of me being sick from chemo.” Her eyes fill with tears and I close the space between us, taking her in my arms. “Please tell me you understand. If there were any chance of beating this, I’d be fighting with everything I have.” She buries her face in my chest, wraps her arms around my waist, and holds on so tight, it hurts. Like if she lets go, she’ll be lost forever, but she will be lost forever soon, and there is not a fucking thing I can do about it.
Helpless is not a feeling I do well. I’m the man. The husband. I should be protecting her from all the bad. This is not something I can protect her from and it’s driving me mad. Just the thought of her dying causes me crippling pain. Deep down, I know she’d fight if there were a chance, it’s just so hard to know there’s nothing we can do but sit by and wait for her to die. My jaw is sore, a result of my teeth grinding together as I hold all these feelings inside. I want to break down and let all the emotions I’m feeling out, but I can’t. I won’t. The one thing I can do for her is be strong. I’ll be the rock she needs to get through this. I’ll allow her to break down when she needs to, and I can pick her up and dust her off—at least I’ll be good for something.
“I’m sorry, sweetness. I can’t bear the thought of being without you. If I could switch places with you, I would in a heartbeat. I’m supposed to be able to make everything better for you and I can’t, and it’s tearing me up inside. I want to protect you and keep you safe, but my hands are tied,” I confess. She pulls away so she can look into my eyes.
“I know, baby. You can do something to make this better for me, though,” she says. I look at her with curiosity. What could I possibly do? A small, sad smile plays on her lips. “Love me. That’s all I need from you. It’s all I’ve ever needed. Your love makes everything better.” Loving her comes as easy to me as breathing. I will never stop loving her, not even when I take my last breath.
“That is something I can definitely do,” I tell her. Holding her face in my hands, I slowly press my lips to hers. I kiss her tenderly, trying to convey just how much I love her. The kiss deepens and a soft moan escapes her. I wish I could stop time and make this kiss last forever. I know I can’t, so instead, I try to burn her taste, her feel, and her sounds into my memory so I can play it back when I’m alone.
M
arcus and I just left the oncologist’s office. As I suspected, he gave us the same grim news Dr. Bryant did. For the last hour that we’ve been driving, neither of us has spoken a single word. Even though there’s so much that needs to be discussed, Marcus keeps coming up with excuses not to. I’ve been trying to talk to him about how and when to tell Chase. He’s beginning to suspect something’s up with us. The other day, I was once again trying to talk to Marcus about the arrangements that need to be made for my funeral and our tones got heated, which is something that has rarely happened in Chase’s six years.
When we got a little loud, he came running from his bedroom with his plastic container of Legos. Marcus and I were standing toe to toe in the living room. Chase slid the Legos right in between us and looked up with a nervous expression on his face. “I think it’s time to build something. You both are happy when we build stuff as a family.” His head turns from me to Marcus and back again, his eyes pleading. Of course, Marcus saw this as an opportunity to get out of the discussion we seriously needed to have, and I wasn’t about to stress poor Chase any more than he already was, so I caved. The three of us spent the rest of the afternoon building with Legos.
Marcus’ voice breaks me from my thoughts. “What are you thinking about so hard, sweetness?” he questions. I love this man with all my heart, but sometimes I’d like to smack him in the face with a chair. He’s still sticking his fucking head in the sand like this will all go away if he ignores it.
“I’m thinking it’s time to have a talk with Chase. I don’t want to wait until I start having symptoms.” Marcus glances over at me, giving me the look that says he doesn’t agree with me. I’ve been seeing that look a lot lately. “Marcus...he needs to know what’s going on.” Slowly, he shakes his head, and anger bubbles up within me. I’ve never been one to lose my temper, but lately, it’s all I seem to do. I know he’s scared and angry, and I don’t blame him. I am, too. I can’t be the strong one this time. I shouldn’t have to be. I need that strong protective man he’s always been for me. I need him to hold me up and tell me everything will be okay, not the other way around. Weak is not my style, but damn it, right now, I need to be. I think facing death gives me that right.
“No. I’m not ready for that,” he snaps with finality. The anger bubbling inside me boils over. My hands are fisted so tightly, my fingernails dig into my palms. I welcome the sting it brings because at least it’s a new feeling.
“I think it’s about fucking time you got ready. You can’t keep hiding from this.” My voice comes out sounding like a growl. A thumping in my head tells me my blood pressure is skyrocketing. How do I get through to this man? He begins to open his mouth, but I shoot him a deadly glare that has him thinking better of it. I don’t miss his jaw clenching or the white knuckle grip he has on the steering wheel. “I love you, Marcus, more than I will ever be able to express. I’m so sorry I’m putting you through this, but I need you to step up. I feel like I’m the only one facing what’s to come. I can’t do this on my own, baby. Pretty soon, I won’t be able to be the strong one. That’s going to fall on you and you have got to be ready for that.”
My breathing picks up and a huge knot forms in my stomach as I await his response. He glances in the rearview mirror, then pulls the car over into a parking lot and places it in park. His fists slam down on the dashboard and I jump, not expecting his outburst. “Fuck!” he booms as he slams them down again even harder. A lone tear leaves his eye and rolls down his cheek. I focus on that tear in fascination, watching as it moves to his chin and lands on the steering wheel. My chest tightens as I think about how many more tears with fall from his beautiful eyes—tears he shouldn’t have to shed.
Turning in his seat, he faces me and takes my hand in his. “First of all, don’t ever apologize to me again. This is not something you have any control over. I know it doesn’t show, but I’m trying to come to terms with this. It’s just...I just…” he trails off, his voice shaky and full of emotion. He looks up to the roof as if he’s praying for the strength to say what he needs to say. A couple more tears trail down his face before he begins to speak again. “Knowing that I’m gonna have to say goodbye to you forever is literally causing my heart to break. I swear, I lay in bed at night and I can hear it cracking. I want to be strong for you, baby. You deserve that from me. I’m so fucking scared, though. I don’t know how to handle it. How to control my own emotions enough to be there for you and Chase.” He pulls me so I am right against him and wraps his arms around me. His shoulders begin to shake and his body stiffens as he tries his damnedest to keep himself under control.
I rub circles on his back, trying to calm him and let him know I’m here. He’s never really had to deal with losing someone close to him, and I know that makes this that much harder for him. “We are in this together. I’m going to do everything I can to help you get prepared for this, but I need you to start helping me, babe. To start doing what you need to accept that I am going to die, and soon. I hate to be so blunt and I wish we had more time for you to adjust, but we don’t.” He nods against my shoulder. My throat burns from holding in the emotions that want out so badly, but I can do this. I can be strong for him in this moment while he’s finally coming to terms with this.
“How do we tell our little boy he’s losing his mommy? How do I help him understand why this is happening when I can’t understand it myself? The pain I feel is excruciating and makes it hard for me to breathe. Knowing I have to bring that same pain to our six-year-old makes me want to hurl,” he admits. These are the same feelings I’ve had—feelings that have had me questioning whether we should tell him ahead of time or not. The minute he knows, his entire life will change. He’ll no longer be the innocent happy little boy he is now. The cruel and ugly side of what life can bring will rear its ugly head and change him forever.
“What if we have a family weekend somewhere? Build one last amazing memory for him, one where we are all happy and I’m not sick. We can wait until we get back home to tell him,” I suggest. I almost feel like a terrible mom for even considering it, but I’m doing something good by making him happy and giving him a good memory of us he can carry with him for the rest of his life. I want him to remember something about me other than me being sick and dying, and maybe a fun trip will end up overshadowing that image for him. That’s my hope at least.
Marcus pulls away from me, a smile gracing his lips. My heart flutters in my chest at the sight. God, I love his smile. Just another thing this fucking cancer is going to take away from him. I have to figure out a way to help him move on after I’m gone. I’m terrified he’ll spend his life grieving me and miss out on all the happiness he deserves. He’s so young, with so much life ahead of him, I can’t bear the thought of him spending it alone and miserable.
“I think that’s a great idea, sweetness. What kind of weekend do you have in mind?” he asks, excitement lacing his voice. Like me, it’s probably a mixture of being excited about our family weekend and the fact that we have a little more time before we crush our son with this news.
“Well, he’s been wanting to go to Legoland for a while now. Maybe now is the perfect time,” I say. Just thinking about the gigantic smile he’ll be wearing warms my heart and has tears filling my eyes. With his thumb, Marcus swipes the tears away as they spill over.
“That sounds perfect. Chase will love that,” Marcus whispers, then tenderly brushes his lips against mine. He places feather light kisses all over my face before coming back to my lips. Butterflies invade my belly from the contact. I love that his kisses still cause me to have butterflies after all these years. “How ‘bout we finish this at home in bed,” Marcus says as he plants a few more kisses along my neck.
“I like that idea,” I tell him. He hesitantly moves from me and back behind the wheel. He pulls the car onto the road and we’re racing off to home. For the first time in a week or so, my mind is not on the cancer or the pain and devastation it’s causing us all. For now, and until we take Chase on our trip, I’m thinking about today and not tomorrow.
