Love Me: Oakville Series:Book 5 (8 page)

I stare into the foggy bathroom mirror, no longer recognizing my own reflection. My eyes are bloodshot and the dark circles beneath them make it look like I’ve been brawling. Though I am both physically and mentally exhausted, sleep has eluded me the past few days. Taryn hasn’t fared any better. My cell phone buzzes. Lifting it from the counter top, I swipe the screen and answer it.

“Hey, man,” I say, but I don’t give Paul a chance to reply. “Can you get the guys together and meet me at the bar in thirty minutes?” If I’m going to tell them, there needs to be alcohol involved.

“What’s wrong?” Paul questions, concern and worry in his voice.

“Can you just do what I ask?” I snap, and the second the words are out of my mouth, I regret them. I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself. “I’m sorry. I’ll explain everything when I have you all together.”

“Okay. I’ll make it happen. See you in thirty,” Paul says and quickly hangs up. I finish getting dressed. As I pass Chase’s room, I stop in the doorway and lean against the doorframe, watching the two people I love most. Taryn and Chase are both lying on their bellies in the middle of his bedroom floor. Crayons are all spread out in between them and there’s coloring books in front of them. Chase is chatting a mile a minute, telling Taryn all about the kids at school as they both color. Her lips form a wide smile as she listens intently. There is this look on her face that makes my heart full and breaks it all at the same time. Her eyes are filled with love and wonder at the beautiful, amazing boy we created. Though she’s hiding it well from Chase, I can see the utter sadness.

She turns her head and gives me a small smile. “I’m heading out to meet the guys,” I tell her. “Are the girls coming over?” Her smile turns sad as her eyes fill with tears. Quickly, she wipes them away and puts her smile back in place.

“They should be here in an hour or so,” she says. Chase looks over his shoulder, waves, then goes back to his coloring. He has no idea his entire world is about to turn upside down. I hate the fact that this happy, innocent little boy is suddenly going to be changed forever. This isn’t how Taryn and I saw our life turning out. We had so many plans for the future—growing old together, watching Chase grow, get married, and one day have kids of his own. Cancer, chemo, wills, and funeral arrangements are not something we thought we’d be discussing this early in life. I walk over to Taryn, trying to shake the thoughts from my head. Bending down, I kiss the top of her head and do the same to Chase.

“I’ll be back in a few hours. Be a good boy for your mom, buddy, and have fun with your cousins,” I tell my son.

“I will, Daddy,” he replies, giving me a fist bump. I watch the two of them for another couple seconds then turn to go. The tightness in my chest as my heart breaks into a million pieces is too much to bear. I need a drink.

When I pull into the parking lot of KC’s Bar & Grille, Paul, Kyle, and Angel’s vehicles are already there. I started out with these guys as band mates and it didn’t take long before we all became close friends, but that has turned into a brotherhood—a family. I’d do anything for these guys, and the fact that they all stopped whatever they were doing to meet me with no explanation tells me they’d do the same.

I sit in my truck for a couple minutes trying to think of how I’m going to tell them Taryn is dying. Just thinking it makes my pulse race and my stomach knot. How the fuck am I going to say the words out loud? The minute the words leave my mouth, it’s all going to be real—way too real.

When I get myself together, I make my way into the bar. Kyle and Angel are sitting next to each other while Paul is standing behind the bar. They hear me open the door and when all heads turn in my direction, everything hits me. My vision begins to blur as my heart hammers in my chest. I’m frozen, unable to move any farther. All three guys are by my side just as my legs give out and I fall to the floor. A sob escapes as I try to tell them what’s going on. I’m breathing too hard and the words won’t come. Helping me to my feet, Angel and Kyle guide me to the closest booth. I slide in and Kyle sits next to me while Angel takes a seat across from us. A bucket of Coronas, a bottle of Jack, and four shot glasses in hand, Paul slides in next to Angel.

“Drink this then tell us what’s going on. You’re scaring us a little, man,” Paul says as he places a shot and open beer in front of me. Bringing the glass to my lips, I tip it back and allow the slow burn of the liquid to calm me. Before I can place the empty glass back on the table, Angel places another full one in front of me.

“You better take one more. You look like shit,” Angel states with a slight grin. Leave it to him to try to lighten any bad situation. Usually he would be putting a little more effort into it, so he must be holding back knowing this may not be a good time for his jokes. I appreciate that he’s trying. His smartass snarky comments make him who he is and are one of the reasons we all love him.

I take the second shot and close my eyes as they wait patiently until I’m ready, being the best friends a guy could ever have. I take a deep breath. “Taryn has cancer,” I confess, my voice shaky, making me sound like a prepubescent boy, my eyes still closed tight. I just can’t bear to see the looks on their faces. Not yet. I’m hanging on by a thread and seeing the anguish on their faces will sever
that thread, sending me spiraling into darkness
. Kyle gasps next to me. Paul throws out a, “Christ, man”, and Angel roars out, “Fuck!” followed by glass shattering on the floor across the bar. I open my eyes just in time to see Angel pacing. He’s looking at the broken bottle so intently, you’d think he was trying to will it back together.

For the longest time, no one speaks. We all just drink and glance at each other. I know they have a million questions and need them answered. I grip the bottle of Jack and lift it to my lips.
Screw the glass.
We are way past that now. I pass the bottle to Kyle next to me and watch as it makes its way around the booth. When Paul takes a swig, I say, “Okay, go ahead. What do you want to know?” They all look sheepish and unsure. “Don’t be pussies. Spit it out,” I joke. Angel grins at me, surprised I said what he was most likely thinking.

Kyle is the first to speak. “Is it...can it be...cured?” I shake my head.

“No. They can put her on chemo and it will slow it down some, but it won’t stop it,” I say, looking each of them in the eyes. I need them to really hear that. I don’t want to come right out and say the D-word. I know they understand when I see three of the toughest men I’ve ever known with tears rolling down their faces. My eyes begin to fill as well. There’s no point in trying to be macho, not with these guys. We have to be strong and level headed when it comes to our wives, but with each other, we can feel what we need to feel. They understand this. They would all be just as destroyed and devastated as I am if it were happening to one of their wives.

“How long?” Paul asks next, and my gut clenches. She won’t be around for any more holidays. She won’t be there when Chase turns seven. She won’t see our tenth anniversary. Tears begin to stream down my face. Nine years. I’ve only been her husband for nine short years. It’s not long enough. Paul begins to back track. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

I hold my hand up, motioning for them to give me a second. “No, it’s okay. This is gutting me. What do I do without her? And Chase. He needs his mom,” I admit. “Without the chemo, a month. Maybe two. With the chemo, four or five months.” Angel slams his fists on the table, causing the beer bottles to wobble. His face is blood red with anger. Kyle hands him an empty beer bottle and nods. Angel picks it up and throws that one across the bar, too. We all watch as it lands a foot away from the first one.

“Feel better?” Kyle asks him. He shakes his head no, but doesn’t utter a word. I knew Angel would take this the hardest.

“Is this why all the girls are going to your house? Is Taryn telling them?” Angel asks. I nod and he quickly stands up. “I’m going over there. I’ll take care of all the kids so they can talk without interruption. I need to do something or I’ll go crazy. Besides, being around our rug rats always puts a smile on my face.” He stands up, yanks Kyle out of the seat next to me, and wraps me in a hug. My body stiffens at first. We don’t do this. A one armed hug or a slap on the back, maybe, but never this. I have to admit though, with everything the way it is, I needed this. It brings me comfort. “We’re here for you. Anything you need, just ask. We’ll get through this together, as a family,” he says. Clearing his throat, he slaps my shoulder, looking a little embarrassed by his open show of affection. A laugh escapes me and I can’t stop it. I haven’t laughed in days and it feels good.

“Is the pussy fest over now?” Kyle teases, and we all burst out laughing. What would I do without these guys? They can always lighten things up, no matter how bad the situation is. Though nothing will ever take away the pain I’m in right now, they know their usual joking will ease it a little, if only for a moment.

T
he doorbell rings and my body tenses. I thought I was ready to tell the girls about the cancer, but now I’m not so sure. How do you tell your best friends, girls who are like sisters to you, you’re going to die in a matter of months? I haven’t even wrapped my own head around it yet and I know for a fact Marcus hasn’t either. He can’t even say the words out loud. Honestly, I don’t think he ever will.

My hands shake as I grip the door handle. When I open the door, I’m surprised to see Angel standing on the stoop, his head hanging down. “Angel? What are you doing here?” I question. He should be at the bar with Marcus and the guys. He lifts his head and his eyes are filled with tears. Before I have a chance to say anything, he has me wrapped in a hug so tight, I’m finding it hard to breathe.

“I’m so sorry this is happening. If you need anything, anytime, I’m here for you,” he whispers into my hair. His voice shakes with emotion and it breaks my heart. I am in no way ready for reactions like this. “I thought you could use some help with the kids while the girls are here, so you all can have some privacy.”

“Thank you, Angel. Privacy with the girls will be nice,” I tell him, my voice filled with emotion. I’m trying so hard to hold it all in, but my trembling lip and the tears welling in my eyes tell me I’m fighting a losing battle. Seeing the signs of my impending breakdown, Angel wraps me in his arms again. I bury my face into his chest and one of his hands rubs my back as the other holds my head close. He remains silent, knowing there aren’t magic words that will make any of this better.

I don’t know how long we stand there. When the doorbell sounds, it startles me and I jump. Quickly, I wipe the tears away with the bottom of my shirt as I move toward the door. Angel places his hand on my shoulder, stopping me. “You go clean up. I’ll let them in.” Angel pushes me in the direction of the bathroom. I give him a small smile, thankful for the chance to get myself together and prepare for what’s to come.

After splashing some water on my face and giving myself a pep talk in the mirror, I make my way into the kitchen. Holly, Amber, and Chelsie are sitting around the island, talking and pouring wine into glasses. God, I love these women. “By the sound of your voice, I was assuming this was the kind of conversation that needed alcohol,” Holly says, handing me a glass. We sit quietly for a few minutes, drinking our wine.

“Soooo,” Amber says, drawing out the word. “What’s going on? You have us a little scared.” All eyes are on me, waiting for my explanation. I begin to shift in my chair, my eyes looking everywhere except into the eyes of my friends. I don’t want to see the sadness I’m going to cause them. They have all been through their own shit and now I’m going to be bringing them into mine—and just when they’ve all gotten their happy endings. I wish I could not tell them anything. Even though I’m the one with cancer, it affects them too.

Then, there’s the pity. I hate pity. I’ve already seen that look on the face of the doctor when he delivered the news. Marcus has also had the look in his eyes from time to time over the last couple days. Seeing him look at me with pity breaks my heart and pisses me off at the same time. Pity is not something I want or need. Normal. I want normal. Once this news is out there, every person we know is going to start treating me differently. It’s already started with Marcus. I just want things to be as normal as they can be for as long as possible. The time will come when that will have to change soon enough.

“I have cancer,” I spit out. They all stare at me, eyes wide and mouths open. Disappointment in myself sags through me as I berate myself for blurting it out like that. It wasn’t how I intended to share the news. I glance around, wary of what I’ll find. Holly leaps off her stool and has me wrapped in a hug within seconds. Amber and Chelsie follow close behind. All the feelings that have been plaguing me for days start boiling over and a sob escapes me. I try to hold back the flood of emotions threatening to break free, but when I feel Holly begin to shake from her tears, the dam breaks. My cries begin soft and contained, but they quickly turn into full on wails as sadness, anger, and fear rip through me. My body quakes from the force of the emotions filling me. Before long, all four of us are sobbing, still huddled together. We hold each other tighter, them trying to comfort me and me attempting to comfort them.