Love Starved (10 page)

Micah was asleep before he managed to reply.

Waking in Angel’s arms wasn’t
a shock this time. All night, Micah dreamt of continuing what they’d started last night, so the minute the first tendrils of consciousness returned in the morning, he knew whose broad chest was molded against his back, and why. He was more awed and pleased than surprised.

What did shock him, however, was that he was still completely naked, and that there was a very noticeable—and thankfully still clothed—erection pressed snug against his ass. Micah felt himself flush. His face was not the only place his blood was traveling to, though. That was yet another surprise: In the light of day and completely sober, he still
wanted
just as much as he had hours before. Perhaps more because his hesitation seemed to have disappeared. He yearned to turn in Angel’s embrace and touch him, feel his cock hard and warm in his hand. Make him gasp and moan. Make him come.

Micah clenched his itching hands and took a deep, measured breath. He had to stop. Angel wasn’t here for his pleasure. Micah had no right to think about him that way.

He tried to spot something, anything to wear within reach, so that he could get out of bed with a shred of dignity intact, but his wiggling wasn’t subtle enough. Angel’s arm tightened around his waist and he nuzzled his stubble-covered chin against the back of Micah’s neck, making him gasp.

“Mmm, don’t escape again,” Angel murmured into the heated skin. “Can’t we continue what we started last night?”

Micah’s breath hitched, his hips stuttering back of their own accord, all restraint gone in a blink. “What if they hear?” he whispered.

Angel was now kissing his neck in earnest, sending goosebumps down his arms. “We’ll be quiet.”

“I don’t have any supplies here.”

“I do.” Not stopping the kisses, Angel reached under his pillow and pulled out a small bottle and a strip of condoms. Micah wondered when he’d put them there.

Angel’s hand moved from his waist, inching lower, teasing, before he brushed his fingertips along Micah’s hard length. Micah whimpered.

“What do you want to do?” he breathed.

Angel’s fingers finally closed around his cock, one perfect stroke stealing all air from Micah’s lungs.

“Let me take care of you.”

The loud knock on the door couldn’t come at a more unwelcome moment.

The door flew open a second later and in strode Claudia, already fully dressed and perky, bouncing a little on the balls of her feet. “Rise and shine love birds, we decided to go—”

It was only then that she seemed to register what she was seeing—and Micah could only imagine what it had to look like from the outside: their bodies spooned together under the covers, his naked torso with Angel’s hand disappearing under the blankets, the lubricant and condoms on clear display on the pillow. Claudia shrieked and covered her eyes.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think. I just wanted to ask if you want to go hiking because the weather is perfect and we could show Angel some of our favorite trails and oh my God I’m shutting up and leaving now; we’ll be downstairs; sorry, bye!” she blurted and ran out the door, miraculously not tripping before she slammed it behind her.

Only when her footsteps on the old wooden steps died down did Micah regain the ability to move. He promptly used it to turn onto his belly and hide his glowing hot face in the pillow.

“Oh my God,” was all he could say.

Angel didn’t sound nearly as affected. “Well, I guess there goes the mood.” He grinned when Micah turned his head to glare at him. “What?”

“I’m going to be traumatized forever. I’m going to need therapy. How can you be so calm?”

Angel shrugged. “You’re an adult. She knows you have a sex life, and we weren’t caught in the act. You’ll be fine. She’ll be fine, too.”

Micah wanted to throw the pillow at Angel’s stupid, amused face, but then he would have nowhere to hide. He settled for poking Angel’s shin with his toes. “I’ll never be able to look her in the eye again.”

“Aw. Are you sure? Because I would really love to go hiking before we return to the city.”

“Argh.” Micah covered his face again.

“I’m making you an ‘I’m sorry’ breakfast,” Claudia yelled from downstairs. “Please come down whenever you’re done. No hurry.”

Micah groaned and put his head under the pillow.

They did go downstairs eventually,
and much sooner than Micah intended. Angel’s argument that the longer they stayed in the bedroom, the more it would seem as though they’d continued with what they’d been doing, worked as a miraculous incentive to hop out of bed. Or, well, to send Angel to the bathroom and then hop out of bed to put some clothes on.

And if they were going downstairs, they could just as well go hiking. Surviving Claudia’s knowing looks in relative seclusion seemed like a much better prospect than staying here with their parents and those of the family who decided to stick around for the day, and hoping she wouldn’t blurt anything out, as she was apt to do. Plus, the weather was perfect and the trails were calling to Micah now that the idea had been put in his head.

Claudia hadn’t been joking about breakfast. The smell of fresh coffee wafted from the kitchen. She stood by the stove adding to the already sizeable stack of pancakes. Brad was just finishing cutting up fruit, and the kitchen island where they usually ate breakfast was set for four people, complete with napkins and fresh flowers, chocolate syrup and whipped cream.

“Mom and Dad went to town to eat with the crowd,” Claudia said, her eyes focused on the plate she was carrying to the table. “They said they’ll be back by the time the cleanup crew arrives, so we’re free to go.” She put the plate of pancakes down and finally looked at Micah, her blue eyes wide and earnest. “Are you mad at me? I’m so, so sorry, I’m just used to you being alone. I mean, I knew you weren’t alone now, I just didn’t stop to think what it meant and when I saw you—”

Micah was grateful when Brad put his hand on Claudia’s shoulder, silencing her as if pressing a snooze button. “I think you should stop talking now, before you dig yourself into a deeper hole,” he said. He looked between Micah and Angel with his usual stoic expression. “We good? Going hiking after breakfast?”

“Yeah,” Micah said, sitting down opposite Claudia. His cheeks still felt hot, but his voice sounded normal. “We’re fine. These things happen. And yes, hiking sounds good.”

Brad just nodded, quiet as always, but Angel was more enthusiastic. “Awesome,” he exclaimed and skipped to the counter to pour them both coffee, grinning widely. He even ate a pancake, more to accept the peace offering than because he wanted to, Micah suspected.

They set out half an hour later, backpacks filled with lunch, water and towels in case they decided to take an impromptu swim. They picked a long, winding trail that would take most of the day to complete, with plenty of shade and spectacular views along the way. Brad had his camera and kept stopping to photograph a particularly interesting leaf or bird or sunny spot—except when Claudia used it to take snapshots of all of them.

Birds chirped high above, warm wind whispered through the trees, and they walked at a brisk, comfortable pace, sometimes all together, sometimes split into couples. Angel held Micah’s hand most of the way, and on this one magical day, past and future didn’t matter, and present was perfect. They were suspended in time, allowed to have anything they wanted, with no rules and no restrictions. They talked and they stayed quiet. They stopped to kiss on sun-dappled paths. Angel and Brad braved the freezing water of the lake and when they returned, laughing and shaking off cold droplets, they all ate lunch on the little pebbled beach. Micah fell asleep with his head in Angel’s lap afterwards, lulled by the others’ quiet conversation, only to be awakened by a hand caressing his cheek.

It was the best day ever—slow and carefree, far away from reality. Micah felt as though it filled a void within him. He’d never had a day like this—not in high school, when he wasn’t out, yet didn’t want to pretend and date girls, nor in college, when his boyfriend didn’t care for walks or nature or just idly being together without distractions and yet monopolized Micah’s attention, leaving no time for friends. It was a revelation: This was the everyday when you were in a happy, secure relationship. This was the easy, effortless being together that he’d never experienced with Brian. Such a small thing, and yet so very significant.

It was past four when they got back to the cabin, so the four of them ate a quick early dinner with Micah’s parents and then it was time to say goodbye and leave the cozy, happy space behind.

“I’ve never seen you so happy,” Claudia said quietly as she hugged Micah goodbye.

Well, maybe he’d never been this happy. He’d never felt like this. Because it seemed that now, in those little, everyday things, without grand gestures or really trying, Angel had managed the impossible: to fulfill Micah’s fantasy. He did know what it felt like to be loved, now. He knew the quiet contentment, the sense of safety, the feeling of being surrounded by caring and affection and accepted as he was every minute throughout the day.

Daphne had been right: He hadn’t known this. But now he did, and maybe—just maybe—he wanted to find this one day, for real. Maybe he was ready to open himself for love again. Maybe it was time.

Micah and Angel spent most
of the drive home in silence, as if trying to prolong the peaceful feeling of being cut off from city life with its constant noise and distractions, with obligations like leashes everywhere, pulling them in many important directions. Even music seemed like too much after the calm of the woods.

Micah felt tired—he hadn’t walked this much in ages—but it wasn’t just exhaustion that kept his words inside and his eyes staring into distance. He was holding onto this new feeling, trying to preserve it, remember it so that it didn’t slip away the minute he stepped into his apartment. He’d learned something important during this weekend. It needed processing, but a door had been opened. He wanted to make sure it wouldn’t slam shut again.

“I really enjoyed myself, you know.” Angel interrupted his train of thought some twenty miles before they reached the Cities. “It was more of a weekend retreat than a job. I feel bad taking money from you for that.”

Micah turned his head to look at him. “You earned it. They all loved you.”

“I adored them too,” Angel admitted with a soft smile. “You have an amazing family, you know that?”

“I know.” Micah nodded. He hesitated a bit before asking, “Isn’t yours like this, too?” Angel’s smile faded and Micah hurried to assure him. “I’m sorry if that’s too personal. I shouldn’t ask.”

“It’s okay. No, my family isn’t like yours. We’re not very close.”

“I’m sorry.”

Angel shrugged. “Don’t be. It’s okay, it’s just different. It was nice to be among such warm, welcoming people is all.”

The conversation stalled again, Micah’s thoughts meandering freely through the memories of the last two days, until he remembered something that made him frown in confusion.

“You swallowed,” he said.

“Hmmm?” Angel glanced at him. They were almost in Minneapolis now and the traffic was heavier.

“You said safety is your rule number one,” Micah said, “but we had oral sex. Without a condom.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Angel bit his lip before admitting, “I guess I got lost in the role of steady boyfriend for a bit. It’s never happened before.”

“Well, for the record, I’m clean. I was tested after Brian told me he’d been cheating on me, and I haven’t been with anyone since,” Micah said, his eyes trained ahead. It was only fair to alleviate any worries Angel might have. “Of course, you have no reason to take my word for it, but—”

“But I believe you.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

The soothing, calm atmosphere in the car was gone now, replaced by growing awkwardness. Real life was creeping back with every mile of the city passing by, and they didn’t talk again until they were in front of Micah’s building. He turned to Angel before opening the door.

“Thank you for this.”

“You’re very welcome.” Angel gave him his warmest, most charming smile, and Micah’s heart beat faster.

“Remember what I said about never contacting you again?” he asked on impulse.

“Yes?”

“I may not manage that.”

Angel laughed softly. “That’s okay. But I’m not going to fake-marry you, just so you know.”

Micah blushed. “No, of course not. I meant… what if I wanted to meet you again, but not like this?” Angel’s brow furrowed, so Micah hurried to add, “I mean, still professionally, of course, just not as a pretend boyfriend. More to… see your other expertise. Without anyone walking in on us.”

Angel’s smile widened. “Of course. Call me any time. I’d love that.”

“Okay. Maybe I will.”

Micah hesitated, unsure how to say goodbye. Just getting out of the car without a word seemed weird, but so did crawling over the console to hug Angel. Should he shake his hand?

Angel solved the problem for him, leaning to press a light kiss to his lips. “Thank you for a great weekend,” he said. “Take care, Micah.”

“You too.”

And that was it. A moment later, his bag in hand, Micah stood on the steps to his building, watching the blue Prius disappear around a corner and feeling as though something fleeting, but utterly groundbreaking, had ended, leaving him at the beginning of a new road, a different man.

Suddenly, there were men everywhere.
Not that Micah had kept to female company before, but in the week following the Grand Marais trip, he started to notice the maleness of roughly half the population around him.

He didn’t look at men as potential partners, nor did he scour the crowds in search of attractive guys, not really. He just watched. He noticed the different types, pondered their behaviors and attitudes, wondering how they translated into their connections with other people, regardless of sexual preferences. He watched couples, observing men of all kinds in romantic relationships. Some made him think of Brian; some were more like Angel; there were plenty in between and many he couldn’t read at all after short observations. There were those he would never, ever want to get close to, and a few that he’d like to talk to, just to see how their brains worked. It was fascinating, noticing and processing those qualities from an adult perspective, not as a love-starved teenager looking for anyone who would want him.

Unfortunately, others seemed to notice the change in him, too. A middle-aged man on the bus leered at him, and then grinned as he watched Micah blush and fumble to get out at the next stop. Rebecca asked him, amused, if he was checking Rob out when Micah spaced out over his coffee and somehow ended up absently watching his young coworker across the room. Daphne very nearly threw a party when they went out for drinks and Micah kept stealing glances at a man at the next table, whose arms and neck were covered in tattoos, but whose smile was one of the loveliest, kindest Micah had ever seen. Thank God the man’s girlfriend arrived, because Daphne was ready to push Micah’s number on him, and Micah just wasn’t prepared for that.

He would get there. The gates were open now, but he was in no hurry. He remembered all too well where his impatience to find somebody to love had led him. He wasn’t going to repeat old mistakes.

Besides, there was still so much he didn’t know. He had been judging all men and all relationships based on what he’d experienced with Brian, and he’d been wrong. What if he was wrong about other things, too? Like sex? Maybe there really was more to it than just mechanics and physiology, something better to experience than the pleasurable, but often uncomfortable, race to climax? Maybe Micah being frigid wasn’t the problem, as Brian had insisted, but the fact that he’d never had a compatible partner? Because what Angel had made him feel during that one night was nothing short of spectacular. Was it just the circumstances that made it so amazing, or would it be as good every time? What if they went further?

Micah didn’t have any delusions about Angel being boyfriend material, of course. He wasn’t stupid. Angel had been a stand-in, a persona tailored to fit Micah’s needs. The man Micah spent the weekend with didn’t actually exist. But if a stand-in who didn’t really know him could make him feel like this, there had to be a real man who could do that, too. And maybe, just maybe, Micah would meet him one day.

In the meantime, though, he might as well check the sex hypothesis.

Angel wasn’t picking up his
phone. Micah had called him five times over two days, and he never answered. Where did the line between determined and pathetic lie? Micah was increasingly certain he was getting close to crossing it.

In a last-ditch effort, he sent Angel an email late on Monday night, asking for one more date—a strictly sexual one this time. He kept the tone matter-of-fact, as he would in business correspondence, and resigned himself to the possibility that he might never get an answer. It was quite probable that he had worn Angel’s patience thin with his requests these last two months.

It was a surprise, therefore, when his phone rang barely a few minutes later; Angel’s name flashed on the display.

“Hey,” Angel said as soon as Micah picked up the phone. “I’m sorry, I had my phone on silent these last couple of days and hadn’t checked it.” His voice sounded strained and there was a distinct lack of his usual bubbliness. Micah frowned.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just overworked. I wish I could sleep for a few days.”

“Oh, so business has picked up again?”

“For a while.”

Micah ignored the pang of jealousy that he knew was entirely irrational, though understandable when he had one of the hiking trip pictures Claudia sent him opened on his laptop. It was a slightly fuzzy shot showing Angel and him from behind as they walked down a sun-dappled path, holding hands. Their faces were turned toward each other. It wasn’t a flattering photo—Micah’s eyes were half-closed and his mouth was open as he talked, but the look on Angel’s face made it his favorite. It was the quintessence of
that
look, the one Angel had been giving him every time they had been together, the one that made Micah’s heart leap: the dimpled smile, the laughing eyes, but most of all, the complete focus on Micah’s words, the fascinated engagement in their conversation, as if they were in their own little world, their company forgotten.

Micah hurried to click the picture closed.

“Oh. That’s… good?” he said.

“It is.” Angel said wearily. “But I have some time this week, if you want to schedule a date.”

“Don’t sound so enthusiastic,” Micah teased, only half-joking.

“Sorry. I’d love to meet you, I promise. I’m just exhausted tonight.”

“That’s okay. Any preferences about the day? It doesn’t have to be the weekend. I was thinking Thursday might be good. I can get to the office late this Friday.”

“Thursday sounds excellent. Should I come to your place or would you rather go to a hotel?”

Micah frowned. “Why would I want to go to a hotel?”

“Many people prefer that for one reason or another,” Angel said.

“Well, not me. My place is fine. Around nine, maybe?”

“Great. I’ll be there.”

Micah hesitated, biting his lip before the question rushed out of him. “Should I… prepare something? Or, myself, somehow?” He had no idea how far he wanted this to go, and was entirely ready for the possibility that he might freeze and decide to stop at some point. Pushing himself wasn’t the goal; learning his limits and preferences in a safe environment was. But that didn’t mean he shouldn’t be prepared.

Angel’s voice was warm and reassuring. “You don’t have to prepare anything. Your role is to just be there and enjoy yourself. I’ll take care of the rest. If you have anything unusual in mind, or any kinks to play with, just let me know and I’ll prepare accordingly.”

“No, no,” Micah hurried to say. “I want a perfectly vanilla night, nothing more than that. Give me your price.”

“A thousand.”

That was actually less than Micah was expecting. “Hm. How come you’re charging less for this than that first time?” he asked.

“You’re a regular.”

Ah. That made sense—though the realization that it would be his fourth meeting with Angel came as a bit of a shock. It was also slightly jarring how easily he accepted paying such a sum for the night.

“Okay,” Micah said. “I’ll send it tonight. See you on Thursday?”

“See you on Thursday.”

“Oh, and Angel?”

“Yeah?”

“Get some sleep.”

“Will do.” There was a hint of a smile in his voice before he disconnected.

Micah grinned at his phone, turned off the lights and decided to take a long, indulgent shower. The prospect of Thursday, though still mildly scary, was suddenly making him very, very excited.