Love Starved (6 page)

“Do you have any more plans?” he asked dreamily. He still had a bit of his four hours left.

“Hmmm.” Angel’s fingers didn’t stop. “We could go for a drink if you want. Or to the movies, although it may be a little late now. And there’s this place that has a late salsa night tonight.”

“No.”

“Or… we could go to your apartment.”

“If we go to my apartment, can we get back to kissing?”

Angel beamed at him, his beautiful eyes sparkling. Micah’s hands itched to touch him. “Of course.”

Kissing him the moment they
closed the apartment door behind them, Angel pushed Micah against the wall in the hallway, their bodies pressed together with purpose and impatience, lips clashing and hands grasping—neck, waist, fingers entwined in hair. Here, Micah didn’t have to worry about people seeing, or the possibility of an attack; he could let himself experience what he’d denied himself for so long.

Angel’s lips slid down to his neck and Micah moaned quietly at how good it felt, his hips bucking into the unyielding body pressed against him.

“God, you’re so perfect,” Angel whispered between kisses, his breath tickling Micah’s sensitive skin. “So handsome, so fascinating. I want to give you everything you need tonight.” He sounded as aroused as Micah felt. He sucked gently at the side of Micah’s neck, grazed his teeth over the spot, making him gasp. “Just take it, honey. Take whatever you want from me. I’m all yours.”

Surprisingly, his words were what shattered the spell. Micah opened his eyes, for the first time really registering their surroundings. He could see his living room through the doorway opposite, and the dark kitchen to the left of it. His bedroom was a few steps from where they stood, with his solitary bed that had seen so many lonely nights in his very single, very satisfactory life, and would see many more to come.

Tonight wouldn’t change a thing.

Sure, Micah could go on, let himself enjoy the moment of pleasure, let the fantasy lead him further—probably to that very bed, possibly to nakedness, maybe even to things he’d decided long ago he had no need for. And it could be lovely, and exciting and, most likely, it would feel good. But then what?

Then, morning would come, as it always did, shining its light on the events of this night, and Micah knew exactly how he would feel, waking up alone, with nothing but memories of an intimacy that wasn’t real. None of this was, after all. It was all a fantasy, a performance that he’d paid for. A masterful performance, and all the more certain to hurt afterward.

No, Micah couldn’t risk it.

Angel pulled away, the look on his face much more alert already.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, and Micah had to remind himself:
not real; none of this was real
.

“I can’t do this,” he breathed out. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

He was afraid there would be questions, attempts at persuasion maybe, or seduction, but he should have known better. Angel was nothing if not professional. He took a step away immediately.

“Of course. We can do something else—anything else. Do you want to watch a movie, or cuddle, or—”

“No. I’m sorry, Angel. You are amazing, but I think you should go now. Thank you so much for tonight, I really enjoyed myself, I just… I can’t.”

Angel nodded. “It’s okay. I understand.” He looked sad, and Micah wondered how far his acting went, how deep. How much of everything he’d said and done tonight was fake.

Probably all of it.

Angel bit his lip, and then released it. “So… did I manage to make you feel what you wanted to feel?” he asked.

Micah felt his throat clench. Right. He was supposed to feel loved. As though that could be faked. As though it was some sort of game. What had he been thinking? He hung his head, unable to look this beautiful, kind,
professional
man in the eyes.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “But… you made me feel.”

He slipped off the jacket and handed it back to Angel. Immediately, he felt cold, even though the apartment was warm.

Angel nodded and touched his arm, just an empty gesture now. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it better for you,” he said.

“I doubt anyone could,” Micah admitted, more to himself than Angel. “But really, thank you.”

“Thank
you
. Take care, Micah.” With a last fleeting smile—no dimples this time—Angel walked out of the apartment and out of Micah’s life.

His apartment felt emptier than
ever: the flowers out of place in their gorgeous vivacity, the bed cold and unwelcoming. Micah sat in the kitchen with a cup of Earl Grey tea, going through the evening in his head.

Had he felt loved tonight? He didn’t think so. But what did feeling loved mean, anyway? The words hadn’t crossed Angel’s lips; Micah was pretty sure that would have thrown him right out of the mood. But he had felt a lot of things tonight that he’d always associated with happy relationships.

He’d felt safe and cared for, certain he could trust Angel. He’d felt important to him, in the center of his attention. Never during the night had Angel’s phone rung, never had his eyes strayed to another man—he’d had eyes and ears only for Micah, actively listening to what he had to say, showing him with little touches and gestures and compliments that he mattered.

It was a better date than Micah had ever had—the flowers, the handholding, the dancing. The walk and the stargazing. Micah felt desired, but at the same time respected. He felt a lot of things—enough to let himself be immersed in the fantasy from the get-go, so much so that, for a while, he’d almost forgotten what it really was.

So no, he may not have felt loved. But he’d felt happy, content and cherished, and that was much more than he’d thought he would get. The small, achy corner of his heart where his perfect date fantasy had resided as long as Micah could remember—always there, even when he hadn’t thought about it for months on end—felt empty now, and not in a bad way. It was too early to say what it meant, but Micah knew something had happened—some kind of healing, some chance to move on, to let go and find new dreams. Some part of him, young and needy and longing, was soothed tonight. For that, he was thankful.

His decision made, Micah opened his laptop, went to his PayPal account, and sent the bonus two hundred fifty dollars to Angel. The escort may not have achieved the impossible, but what he had done was still more than anyone else ever had.

Claudia called Micah the next
morning, just as he finished enjoying a relaxed breakfast and was getting ready to leave for work.

“What’s up, oh sister mine?” Contrary to his expectations, he was in a really good mood.

“Spill,” Claudia demanded, without so much as a
hello
.

“Spill what?” Micah asked, genuinely confused.

“Everything about the cutie, of course!”

“What cutie?”

Claudia shot back, impatient. “Honey, don’t play dumb on me. Jake saw you last night in the park.”

Oh damn. The last thing Micah needed was Claudia’s gossipy actor friend to have seen him with Angel.

“Really? I didn’t notice him.”

“Oh well, he said he wanted to come over and say hi, but you were apparently too preoccupied with your boyfriend, so he decided not to interrupt.”

“Who says it was my boyfriend?” Micah asked, perching on the edge of the hallway table, in sudden need of support.

“Please. Because you’re so famous for hooking up with random guys,” she teased. “Besides, Jake says the heart eyes could be seen from space. So quit evading and tell me when I’m going to meet Mister Amazing.”

“How do you know he’s amazing?” Micah winced. This conversation was definitely getting out of control.

“If he managed to get you to go out with him, I’m sure there must be something special about him.”

Micah didn’t answer. Anything he could say at this point would only make the situation worse.

Claudia knew about the fiasco with Brian, of course—knew better than anyone. She’d never liked Brian and hadn’t hidden it, but she’d forced herself to tolerate him as long as he’d been Micah’s boyfriend. She’d even refrained from saying the well-deserved “I told you so” after the break up. Afterward, she kicked her boyfriend out to a friend’s place for the weekend and gave Micah space on her couch, with ice cream and chocolate and enough liquor at his disposal to intoxicate a small army, so that he could mope and ramble about men and how they sucked in general. Never once had Claudia disagreed, even though her own relationship history was nothing short of perfect.

She’d worried about him since, Micah knew. She was the only person who truly understood the extent to which the relationship with Brian, not the break-up alone, had devastated him. And she knew him; she would not fall for the “it was just one date, no strings attached” ruse. Micah would have to tell her the truth.

But how could he?

“Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do,” Claudia said. “You will bring your man—what’s his name anyway?”

Micah bit the inside of his cheek, the pain steadying him.

“Angel,” he said. He couldn’t tell her the truth about last night. How do you tell your family that you hired a prostitute, for goodness sake?

He’d plan what to do later.

“Cute,” Claudia said. “So you’re gonna bring Angel to our play’s opening night on Friday. I’ll give you the tickets and invites for the after-party when we meet for lunch today.”

“I can’t,” he answered immediately. “I mean, I can, but Angel is busy Friday night.”

“Ask him anyway.”

“Claudia—”

“Ask him. I’m not taking no for an answer unless you actually ask him.”

Micah sighed. “Fine, I’ll ask. But I know he’s busy this whole weekend.”

“I’m sure he’ll find time for you. So, lunch at one? I expect to hear all the juicy details. See you!” She hung up, leaving Micah with a growing urge to bang his head against the wall.

“So is he coming?” Claudia
asked as soon as she entered their favorite bistro, late as usual.

“Hello, it’s nice to see you too. What can I get for you?” Micah said.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m buying today. We’ve got to celebrate the new developments.”

“I’m sure you mean my upcoming book and your upcoming premiere.”

“No, I mean you falling in love, you guppy.”

“Ah.” Micah hid behind his menu.

“And stop avoiding my question.” Claudia took it out of his hands. “Is Angel coming with you on Friday?”

Micah sighed. “I told you, he can’t.”

“Did you even ask him?”

“I didn’t have to. I know his plans and he’s most definitely busy then,” Micah said, picking up the menu again. “Okay, I think I’ll have the Caesar salad today. You?”

When Claudia didn’t answer, he looked up only to see her crushed expression.

“Why don’t you want me to meet him? Are you afraid I’ll scare him away? Because I promise to be on my best behavior. And I’m pretty sure he can’t be like the B-Bastard, right?”

Micah couldn’t look her in the eyes, focusing on the little spill of sugar on the table instead. “No, he’s not like Brian at all.”

“See? Come on. I’m happy for you, little brother.”

Micah had never felt so guilty. “Thank you,” he said through a tight throat.

“So,” she clapped enthusiastically, all hints of sadness gone in a blink. “Call him. Ask him. Now.”

Micah’s eyes widened. “Now? But—”

“Come o-o-on.”

She wouldn’t let go until she got what she wanted, Micah knew from experience. Sighing heavily, he took out his phone and pulled up Angel’s number. His only hope now was that the call would go to voicemail.

No such luck, of course. Angel answered on the second ring.

“Hi, Micah.” There was a smile in his voice. “I was just thinking about you.”

Claudia grinned and clapped soundlessly; she was sitting close enough to hear every word.

Angel continued. “Thank you for—”

“Listen, I’m sort of held at gunpoint here,” Micah interrupted him frantically before he could mention the money. Angel’s voice turned serious.

“You don’t mean literally, I hope?”

“No, no. It’s just, my sister’s friend saw us in the park last night. And now Claudia is sitting right here, insisting I bring you with me to her show’s opening night and after-party on Friday. As, you know, my new boyfriend and all.” He sounded faintly panicked even to himself. He just hoped Claudia would think it was because he was still nervous about her meeting Angel.

“Oh,” Angel said, and then proved once again that he was a master at this game, just as Micah hoped. “Then the cat’s out of the bag, I guess.” He laughed warmly. “What time is the show?”

“Half-past seven,” Claudia trilled, leaning closer to the phone. “Hi, Micah’s new boyfriend!”

“I know you said you’re busy all weekend,” Micah said. “But she’s one stubborn girl, so I had to call and ask.”

Angel hummed. “Actually, I think I could pull it off. I have somewhere to be, but I don’t need to leave until midnight, so if you two don’t mind if I pull a Cinderella, I can be there.”

Claudia cheered, grinning at her brother triumphantly.

“Great,” Micah said, trying hard to sound enthusiastic. “Okay, I’ll call you later. Have a great day.”

“You too, sweetheart.”

“He sounds nice,” Claudia remarked as soon as Micah disconnected.

“It’s rude to eavesdrop, you know,” Micah mumbled, overwhelmed with the sudden turn of events, the endearment still rattling in his ribcage like a rogue ping-pong ball.

She shrugged and got up to order their food. “It’s not my fault your phone is so loud.”

The line at the counter gave Micah a few much needed minutes to regain his composure. And they hadn’t even started talking. Given half a chance, Claudia would try to milk him for all the details.

“So, is he a good kisser?”

Exactly. Claudia plopped onto her chair and sat with an eager expression, ready for the interrogation.

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“Is he a good
lover
then?”

“Claudia!” He glared at her. “I’m not talking to you about this.”

“You did, once.” She lowered her voice. “Did you even… you know?” She waggled her eyebrows. “How long have you been together, anyway?”

“Not long,” he said.
Like, perhaps, less than four hours
. “It’s still new.”

“Aww,” she cooed. “Where did you meet? How did it start? Are you guys official yet?”

“Sis, you can ask all sorts of questions when you meet him on Friday,” Micah said, determined to sidetrack the conversation. “Now, tell me about the show. Is your throat better? Did they approve of your costume suggestions? Tell me everything.”

Just as he hoped, Claudia’s eyes lit up at the switch to her favorite topic and she launched into a monologue that, with a little luck, would tide them over until Micah could come up with a very urgent and massively important errand. He was already texting one of his coworkers under the table with instructions to call him in ten minutes.

Micah called Angel again as
soon as he found himself alone in his office. Now that he actually wanted to talk to him, however, Angel didn’t pick up. He called back ten minutes later.

“Sorry, I was in the shower,” Angel said, sounding bright and bubbly.

His voice made something warm flutter in Micah’s chest. He shook it away.

“Hi. Listen, I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. I tried to tell Claudia you were busy, but she demanded proof that I actually asked you.”

“It’s okay. Though I just realized that you probably wanted me to confirm that I can’t join you on Friday, didn’t you? I’m sorry. I was on my way somewhere and didn’t catch it in time. I’ll happily come up with a last-minute excuse if you want me to.”

Micah sighed. “No, it’s probably better to let Claudia have her way. At least she’ll be on stage and then distracted during the after-party, so she won’t have time to grill us too much. If I don’t bring you now, she’ll just whine until we meet her another day.”

“You’re not happy about this development,” Angel said.

Micah let out a bitter laugh. “No, I’m not.”

“And telling her the truth is not an option?”

“Definitely not. I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t even do casual sex.”

“Really? Never?” Angel sounded stunned.

“No. If I told her that I paid you… No matter what my motivation was, she’d never look at me the same again.”

“Okay. So what do you want to do? What did you tell her?”

“She assumed you were my boyfriend, and I didn’t correct her. I just told her that it’s still very new. I thought I could keep the act up for a little while, then in a week or two tell her it didn’t work out. You’re moving away, reuniting with an ex-fiancé, something like that. Are you up for this little charade? I promise I won’t make you play my boyfriend more than this once.”

Angel laughed warmly. “That’s okay, Micah. My work is constant acting. I think I can manage.”

“Thank you. How much should I send you?”

Talking about this in terms of money seemed inelegant. But the simple truth was, Angel was providing a service, and he was paying for exactly that. It was a business transaction. Nothing shameful in that, though Micah cringed again at the wastefulness.

Angel hummed, considering. “Just the theater and the party, no private time?”

“No, everything’s just for show. But it’s a bit more than four hours until midnight.”

“Hmmm, let’s say a thousand? But we’ll have to take your car or a cab. I won’t be able to get you home afterwards.”

“That’s okay. I’ll transfer the money today.”

There was a strange pang of disappointment in Micah’s gut as they discussed the details of the Friday meeting and then hung up. It wasn’t as though he expected Angel to do this for free—he was a professional after all, this was his job and his time—but some small, naïve part of Micah’s brain had to be reminded that no matter how magical last night had been, no matter how close they’d seemed to be, how perfectly Angel seemed to understand him, it was not real. This was a business transaction. Nothing more.

The show—The Crucible at the
Theater in the Round— turned out to be excellent, and Micah wasn’t saying it just because his sister played the main antagonist. Everywhere around them, he could hear people discussing the play as they filed out afterward, and it tickled him that most of them mentioned Abigail, Claudia’s character, as one of the stronger performances. “A little evil, a little mad, completely mesmerizing,” he’d heard someone say. He made a mental note to repeat it to Claudia.

This was her first major role, a long-awaited step up, and there had been quite a bit of criticism when the casting was announced. A twenty-eight-year-old mostly unknown actress playing a key—and teenage—character? The skepticism at the choice had reportedly been universal throughout the Minneapolis theater community, but Claudia had held her head high and worked hard. Now that the final test had come, she was passing it with flying colors.

“Your sister was phenomenal,” Angel said as they were making their way out of the theater and to the restaurant two blocks away for the after-party. “So eerie she gave me chills.”

Micah nodded, his chest puffing up with how proud he was of her. “She was fantastic. I mean, I always knew she would be; I’ve seen her act since she was a kid, but wow, this was something else.”

“She really does look like you, though,” Angel mused. “The eyes, the hair, the shape of her face… I would have taken you for twins if I didn’t know better.”

Micah smiled and nodded, but didn’t try to keep up the conversation, and the rest of the walk passed in silence.

Tonight felt very different from Monday. Tonight Micah was doing this for other people, not for himself. And so, even though Angel was just as kind and attentive as he’d been during their “date,” and drop-dead handsome in a gray suit fitted so perfectly that Micah’s own designer tux seemed clunky, that hardly affected Micah at all. He felt distanced, two steps removed from his own emotions and needs. Yes, he would act his part, continue to hold Angel’s hand and smile at him, even kiss him if necessary, but the sparks weren’t there. This was nothing more than a role. It would be over and forgotten soon.

The restaurant was crowded and loud. Formal suits and glamorous gowns of every style and color filled the space. The guests milled around, talking, snacking at the buffet and sipping drinks as they waited for the stars of the evening to arrive. Micah had been at these parties before with Claudia, and Angel seemed to be no novice. They spent some time walking around with drinks in hand, grazing on finger food and chatting, and Micah found that, in spite of everything, he was enjoying himself.