Loved In Pieces (25 page)

“Of course you were nervous at your first
premiere
,
”
s
he tried to explain. But I hated the film for what it stood for, not for how embarrassed I was at the event.

“I hated that Hollywood took a horrible true sto
ry of what happened to an eight-year-
old, twis
ted it, and then had a fourteen-year-
old demonstrate the feelings a victim would have when getting raped by a monster. Hollywood can be a monster, too.”

Mom
was surprised I felt this way. She was proud of the film. I was ashamed of it. She was speechless.

“I
’ve
thought about who I want to be. I’m not sure right now
how to do it
, but I know I
want to have a family, kids, and, hopefully,
Manuel as my
loving husband. I don’t care about material things. I have $2
5
million dollars today and don’t want to buy anything because my needs are simple. I’m simple. I’m sorry, Mom. I don’t want this life.”

She was shaking h
er head back and forth. “No, it’
s such a waste. No, it was all for nothing.”
She s
tarted to tremble, “I’
m so sorry. What have I done to you? I’m sorry. You know I love you and just wanted so much for you
.”

F
eeling self-conscious,
I
wanted to take all my words back. I bit my lip.

I
witnessed
Mom
go through a lot, but this was deeper than just me quitting. I thought that maybe she
reacted
so strongly,
was
so physically fragile, because she thought she had failed, too. I had never thought of her as living vicariously through me, but what else explained her intense, physical reaction? Why did she have such agonizing guilt?

Mom
took a big breath in, showing a new resolve on her face. She wiped her tears with her sleeve. Trying to smile at me, she put her hands on my shoulders.

“Marie, I’ve messed things up for you. I’m sorry. I want you to be happy. I lost your dad over my career. Ambition for myself and for you overpowered me. I made some horrible decisions.”

There was the guilt again.
Mom
was being uncharacteristically dramatic. I thought she was
overreacting
. I was not ending my life. I was not on my deathbed. I was just freeing myself of the ties that bound me to the studio and my agent
and saying no thanks to a lot of money
. I still had several years of commitment
s
to go.

Mom
’s eyes
watered
again. “I don’
t want to lose you, darling. I’
m so sorry.”
She controlled her trembling voice. “Please. I want to help you find the life that you want to live, b
ecome the person you want to be
.
”

“It’s
okay
, Mom. I
t’s
okay
,” I reassured her. The guilt in her eyes freak
ed
me out. “Thank you for understanding. I know this is hard for you because you’ve done so much to set me up for success in Hollywood, and it kills me that I can’t appreciate it as I should. I feel like I’m letting you and everyone down. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’ve let
you
down, my dear.”
A waterfall of tears burst from her.

I didn’t know what to do. I
saw
her go to pieces over
Dad
. She was going to pieces over this.
It
was too much. I felt like a horrible, ungrateful daughter. But I was sure of my course. This was what I wanted. She was not going to guilt me out of my decision.

There seemed something so deep in her reaction
then
, something I couldn’t identify.
S
he was tell
ing
me something.
T
here was more.

“Mom, are you
okay
? Is there more? Something I’m not getting? You can tell me, Mom. What is it?”
She could not look me in the eye. “What are you hiding from me?”

She snapped out of it, quickly composing her face. She wiped her eyes and cheeks again. That
quickly she was herself, just like
Byron
between takes.
It reminded me of how I got it together for my Oscar acceptance speech. I
wond
ered if she puked after composing
herself
in public
, too.

“No, dear, y
ou know I love you to pieces
.
Your happiness means everything to me.
So I’m ready to make this right. Let’s do this.
Martin
can be a tricky bastard, he represents you but his loyalties are with Leonard and the studio. Always remember that the snake and the mouse are co-dependent, intertwined in this industry.”

She let go of one of my hands, pushed herself off the floor, and then helped me off the floor, too. She gave me a warm embrace, held my hand, and silently walked me into the conference room where Celia and four lawyers
waited
for us.

I tried to concentrate during the meeting with the lawyers, but I was confused as the adults worked through the specifics. It was great
that
Mom and Celia were there.
Martin
definitely was tricky but the ladies both worked t
ogether to be very thorough. I fe
lt
sorry for
young actors
who
make
these deals without
having veteran
industry
parents.
Most lean
ed
on the expertise of their agents, but the agents ha
d
an inevitable conflict of interest. I was glad I had
Mom
.

I was
mentally exhausted
when the meeting was adjourned. We all shook hands with the lawyers and left together
i
n the elevator.

Mom
and Celia hugged.

“I’ve missed you, Michelle. How did your date go last week?”

“It was awful, Darling, the worst!”
Mom
laughed.

“I’m sorry to hear that. He seemed like a prick, though
.
Was I right about him?”

“Celia, you nailed him
. Y
ou’re a perfect profiler. He didn’t even wait to get to the restaurant. He wanted to do it in the car.”
Mom
laughed.
“M
y driver, Saul, and I had coffee. I’m glad you suggested I hire a bodyguard
/driver
. Saul’s nice. He has four kids, so it was fun hearing his stories.”

“Mom, you have
more
bodyguard
s
?”
I asked as we walked to our car.

“The economy tanked. A lot of men have lost a lot of money. I’m a
n
eligible bachelorette now so I’ve been rejecting a lot of aggressive men lately.
Renee has a new lover every month.
Celia suggested I find a Saul to protect me and be my driver, like your Sashi.”

Mom smiled at me, “Well, dear, you won’t be sued. Congratulations. You’ll finish the open commitments we discussed this summer. You do have the Muse commitments, though, for several years, definitely until you are twenty-one. Are you alright with that?”

“Yes. That’s fine. I’m just so glad I’m not tied to anything else.”

Celia looked at Mom intently, non-verbally urging her to say more. When Mom didn’t respond, Celia stopped walking, crossed her arms over her chest, and stared at Mom.

Mom looked down, “Marie, you're very tied, handcuffed, trapped, whatever. You are Muse.”

I looked at them both. Celia remained motionless. There was more. I asked, “I’m a fly trapped in a spider’s web?”

Mom answered, “No, you are the web. I’m the spider
. Y
our fans are the flies.”

Celia interrupted, “You’re a product, Liana.”

“But I have control now. I can just do Muse, finish the next movie and be done, right?”

Mom put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me again with those guilty, haunting eyes. “You’re Muse, in every way. Liana Marie, you’ll always be Muse.”

For the first time in years, Mom called me by my first name. “You just called me Liana!”

“That I did. I love you Liana Marie Durglo.
I regret that
I made you into Muse, spun this web. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, it’s okay, Mom!” I hugged her and then opened my arms to invite Celia into the hug, too. “At least I have more freedom. Thank you, Mom. Thanks
,
Celia.”

R
elief washed over me. I was free to make my own life. I was so happy
.

Manuel’s presence calmed me. A simple hug or quick kiss filled me. If I felt low, especially at night after
he
went to work or went home, I’d
text him
and he always texted back. I found
comfort
knowing
that he was mine.
I’d wake up to my empty house, get a glass of milk and some nuts, and look out my windows at the canyon and ocean.
My knowledge that I had a wonderful boyfriend and my
appreciation of nature’s beauty
lift
ed
my spirit
.

I was
impossibly busy with my
exercise regime
, school,
study
,
and work.
I
spent the first week of April doing photo shoots
and interviews
for the promotional material and ads for
Constantine’s Muse
.
M
agazine
covers and interviews
to promote the film
occupied
t
he second week
.
Byron
kissed me several times with a devilish smile
during our more risqué photo shoots for
international
magazines. W
e were in character as Muse and Constantine and
I was
technically not cheating
but I
felt
guilty
.

Manuel
attended
classes,
studied
, maintain
ed
his friendships,
exercised,
work
ed
,
and s
aw
me
when he could
.

I was not lonely.
Simply being in love completed me. 

Manuel found me stretching on my terrace. I ran with Elise while he swam in the ocean with Beth. He was wet from a combin
ation of swimming and sweating
from his bike ride
from the PCH
to my house.
I liked his smell as he came toward me to hug me.
He kissed me briefly on the lips and then chuckled.
He tasted of both sweat and salt water. I’m sure I tasted of sweat.

“Sorry my swim
took so long. You’re drenched.” He asked, “
How hard did Elise push you?”

I grinned, “It’s no big deal. We
did the UCLA loop, down San Vicente Blvd and back up Sunset Blvd
. I’m actually quite proud of myself. I averaged 5:40
over the eleven mile loop
. She thought I was bullshitting her that I was running a five minute mile.”

“Wow. That stretch between Sunset and San Vicente kicks my ass. Good job,
Marie
.”

“Thanks. Why di
d your swim take so long?”

“Beth can be so mental.
I’m not supposed to tell but you’re my girl so I’m going to tell. She and Mitch are in love, if you know what I mean, and in typical Beth fashion, she’s pushing him away. Dating Beth is a psychological rollercoaster, poor Mitch. He’s a saint.”

“She withdraws after she gets intimate?”

Manuel raised his eyebrows and nodded his head. “She does this ego-protection crap when she feels vulnerable. Beth seems strong, self-assured, but all those years of being
bullied
about her weight
made her
hide her sensitivity
. She’s also pissed that she didn’t get the scholarship to Stanford. Mitch got accepted but doesn’t want to go there if Beth doesn’t go.
Anyway, I talked to her, told her what she’s doing. Hopefully she’ll apologize to Mitch, grow
up.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m so grateful that you tell the truth about how you feel. It’s so easy being your boyfriend.”