Loved In Pieces (11 page)

“
Ugh
.
Byron
, why do you keep saying that? It’s absurd,
ya know
.”
I probably downed
half the beer in just one swig
. I
t tasted so good.

“No, it’s not.
You’re the sweetest girl in Hollywood.
I’ve never met anyone like you before, ever.
You’re very special.
”

I dismissed him,
“Thanks. Now let’s start.”
I went ahead and just finished the beer.

“Hey, do you want another beer?” He noticed, finished his, and got another.

“No, thank you. I can only drink one.” I laughed.
I wanted another and another and another.
“As you can see why,
I love beer!”

We practiced
several times
and were
finally
perfect. His six pack of beer was gone
. H
e was drinking a Long Island
i
ced
tea
,
and I wondered how I’d get home
since I didn’t want him to drive drunk. He had four beers and I had two
.
I went over my one drink maximum and felt lousy about it
.

“
Byron
, good job. You rocked it. So, I need to get back to my trailer.
”
I grabbed my iPhone. “
I’ll call a cab. Where are we?”

“I don’t want you to go, yet
. It’s not even
ten
o’clock
.”

Within a second, he
was in front of me, holding me
. I looked at him to refuse him, but he looked so sincere, so in love. I hesitated, studying his face to determine if he could be telling the truth. Did he, could he, really love me? In the next second, we were kissing.

I stopped the kissing again. Without arguing, he picked up his guitar and
sang
the song he wrote for me. He had a beautiful voice that drew me in. I stood still in the center of the room between the door and him sitting on his couch, moved by the sound of his voice.
The words were lost on me but the emotion caused shivers to run down my spine.

I needed to get some friends.
Manuel kissed Beth, showing a love so deep that he’d betray Mitch, which seemed so impossible to me.
Beth rejected him, but
I couldn’t compete with that kind of love.
Manuel was dating Trish. She’d fall for him.
Byron was right in front of me, loved me. I didn’t love him, but maybe I could
.
Waiting for the man I wanted to marry wasn’t working out for me.
I was losing myself, becoming disconnected and detached from the social world.
T
here was no reason why I needed to abstain
any longer
, except that I was scared.

He finished the song, got up, and embraced me. I remained motionless
and undecided.

“Mar
ie, let go. Release the tension
.”

“My mom’s threat is true. If I try but change my mind, can I trust you?”

He asked, “You’re scared?”

I nodded.

“Let’s start with kissing a
nd
see where it takes us.
If you want to stop, we will. I promise.” He kissed my forehead, “
Kiss me like you kiss me on set.
I love how you kiss me on
set.”

And I did. I let go of my restraint and hesitation
, feeling a little tipsy
but not drunk
. I relaxed as I relaxed when Manuel hugged me.
We made our way to his bed.
I
continued to kiss him and let him explore my body. I did the same
to him
.
I let go of my mind and let it feel nice. I didn’t feel much desire for him, certainly not how I felt when I had my first kiss, but it was fine.

* * * * *

My first kiss was on set for
Left to Die,
my first film
. It
was based on the true story of a Texas woman who sought revenge against a man who abducted and raped her, slit her throat and left her for dead on a fire ant hill when she was
eight
years old. In real life, the woman,
Mom
’s
character, didn’t come back and kill her rapist
twenty
years later, tell her story, confess her crime, learn that revenge is bitter and then kill herself. In the movie, the girl, my character, was abducted walking home from middle school by someone she recognized. Other than that, the film was pretty true to the real story. It was a gripping, intense and shocking film
,
so the critics loved it.

In the editing room, the director didn’t feel like the abduction came across as monstrous and horrible as he thought it should. The original script had the rapist taser the girl as she walked home from school alone. In the next scene, she was found by a group of children in a park, lying naked and bloody on a red ant hill.

My mother was all for shooting additional scenes just in case they would improve the intensity of the movie. I had just turned fourteen the day before we filmed the additional scene. I was a child actor so the director had to be very careful with what was shown, he could not exploit me in any way: no nudity could be shown and no sexual act. With
Mom
’s permission, he decided to shoot the rape scene in its intensity and then edit as necessary. There was a lot of
tension on the set that day between the Screen Actors Guild representative and the director. My lawyer,
Martin
, was there talking to the SAG gal and had me sign some papers with
Mom
that morning before the shoot. Everyone on the set knew the director was walking a fine line with a child actor but trusted his judgment. I just went with the flow. I didn’t think it was a big deal and wanted the SAG lady to just go away.

The actor who played the rapist, the gorgeous TV veteran Rex Huxley, was 40
—
Dad
’s age at the time. During the original filming,
the two of us
had little dialogue or interaction in the scenes that set up the abduction. The scenes show Rex as a stalker asking me a question or two in different settings.  As if the rapist was watching me intently, the camera focused on my face or on my neck and chest as I breathed or on my thigh while I sat on a swing, played in the park, teased boys,
and
laughed with friends. I never even talked with Rex off set.

On the set for the added rape scene,
Mom
prepared me. I would never be naked. Rex would cut my panties but I would never be exposed. Rex would kiss me but there would, of course, be no physical
sexual
contact. There would be multiple cameras going at once from different angles so that we’d do as few takes as possible. The primary camera would be to the right of the bed. I needed to remember not to block the shot.

I read the non-verbal script. My hands are bound to the bed frame, the rapist kisses me, I struggle, he cuts the thigh seam of my underwear with a knife and pulls up my sundress, he moves on top of me, director cut.

I met Rex and he asked me if there was anything he could do if I felt nervous. No
.
I was fine
.

And then we started the scene. With over twenty people around me, including
Mom
, I had my first kiss with a man as old as
Dad
. His lips were fervently on mine. I felt a rush of heat
and desire
excited
my body. I froze and looked at him in the eyes
,
shocked. I blushed, completely embarrassed, and then moved my face to the primary camera’s side and to the other side and back to the camera’s side, trying to keep my lips away from his, trying to get
away from his face. “Yuck. Gross,”
I thought. Then I felt a deep tingling sensation e
verywhere as he touched my body.
I squirmed
, kicked, and screamed
,
“
G
et off of me, get off!” 

He cut my panties off at my left hip seam, my pelvis throbbed with desire,
and then
he cut the panties at the right hip seam, and placed the knife next to the primary camera’s side of the pillow while he carefully rolled on me to hide my skin from the cameras. I kicked my knees up trying to get him off of me. I felt his body on top of me and his hands under my dress on my skin moving up too close to my breasts. I was on fire. This time I really tried to get him off but couldn’t even move under the pressure of his body with my hands bound, and I froze again staring at him with absolute hatred in my eyes. Cut.

Rex immediately got off me and pulled down my dress to cover me up. He stared back at me for a moment and tenderly said, “So sorry
.”
We waited in position for the director to review the take.

He knew. I knew. I wasn’t really acting. I really wanted the bastard to get off me. But only we knew those were my real feelings.

The director and crew were clapping. It was a wrap on the first take. Someone was untying my wrists. I was applauded for my outstanding acting. I could feel the relief from every adult in there worried that they had crossed a line. The emotions I expressed on camera seemed so real, so genuine. It was perfectly executed.

Mom
came over to me ecstatic, “Marie,
you’re
a natural! You really are outstanding. I’m so proud of you!”

* * * * *

Byron
wondered why I stopped kissing him. “Marie, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about my first kiss
with a man
, actually.
Ya know, not a boy.
”
My first kiss with a man was with Rex. My first kiss with a boy was with Manuel
.
Both kisses were in front of a crowd and were not supposed to be romantic. But both
ignited
my body.

I sat up from the bed
and
noticed that his clothes were off. “How did you get your clothes off
?
! 
I’m not even close to
ready to
get naked with you.
”

He sat up next to me with the sheets covering himself and put his arm around me. “
I don’t understand why you won’t let people love you. It’s not just me. Your best friend is Franz and you shield yourself from him, too. But I see through your shield. I can feel that you’ve never been loved physically.
”

“Honestly, I don’t even know what to do, how to… I know what to do on set, how to touch you for the takes, because it’s
blocked for me
. But this is real. And I like kissing but not…”
I wanted to explain my sexual hesitation with men but I didn’t trust
Byron
with my secrets. I didn’t trust anyone with my secrets.

I continued,
“When I partied, I saw l
ots of drugs and sex.
I’m sure you’ve seen it, too.
I had some experiences, too, that I didn’t like.
I was also raised Christian and
should
only make love to the guy
I want to marry.
”

He interrupted with a whisper and
kissed
my ear and neck
.
“
We’re in Hollywood, babe. There’s no such thing as that kind of love in Hollywood. It’s an illusion, unre
alistic.
It never lasts, can’t last. Your mom is a good example. She’s the devoted Hollywood good girl who got dumped anyway.” Byron
put his hand behind the back of my neck
and kissed me again. I loved the feeling.
And he was right. Dad dumped Mom anyway.

He continued, “
What I know is that I’
m completely in love with you. You’re just scared. I’ll help you
.”
He laughed, “Honestly, it will be my first time to make love, too. I’ve had sex
,
but I’ve never made love.”

“What?”

“
T
he girls are frantic to get my clothes off and have theirs off in seconds while I’m still finishing my drink. Look at you, you’re still dressed. We’re taking our time, loving each other. That’s what I want with you. I want us to enjoy each other, babe.”

I let him pull me on top of him, still separated by the sheets.
While his lips were kissing, his hands moved all over me and he put my hands
under the sheets
where he wanted them to be on his body. It was easy and moved very quickly. Before I knew how, I was clothed but under the sheets with his naked body.