Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (31 page)

I turned and looked at him. “Seriously? My stomach is all knotted up.”

For a short time he sat there watching me looking at him. I wasn’t sure if he was thinking of something encouraging to say or considering leaving it be until morning. “Do you have anyone that can run by and check on things at your house?”

“Yeah.” I was gla
d he mentioned it. “I can call my old boss at the diner I waitressed at. She never really liked Bobby much, so he won’t be able to influence her into thinking I’m a piece of shit.”

“A waitress
sounds like a hot job for you. Woman, what else are you hiding from me?”

I giggled. “I wasn’t an exotic dancer if that’s what you’re thinking. There’s no way dirty men are going to see me naked.”

“I’d pay an arm and a leg to see you dance naked.” He raised his eyebrows a few times in a row.

I rolled my eyes. “If I could dance, I’d do it for free, but we both know I have two left feet.”

“Well, we’re in luck, because I have two right feet.”

I shoved him away, but he came right back. “How about we get some rest?”

“How about you take off that Army shirt and we have a repeat of last night first?”

I could have said no and possibly been able to fall asleep quickly. The thing was, I’d just gotten Brooks back and after one night all I could think about was doing it again. I sat up and lifted the soft cotton shirt over my head. Brooks put his hands behind his head and watched me remove my underwear.

“This is never going to get old.”

I climbed on top of him and grabbed his dog tags, pulling him forward until our lips were touching. “Tell me you love me and I’ll give you that dance.”

“I love you, beautiful. Now, stand up and show me what you’ve got.”

He was going to be sorry for asking.

Chapter 41

“Kat, wake up.”

I peeked open my eyes and noticed that it was still dark. It explained the whisper, since he wouldn’t have wanted to wake up B. “Go away. I’m sleeping. It’s not even morning,” I whispered back.

“I have an idea that might make you feel better. Come on, wake up.
The sun will be up soon. Don’t you want to know what it is?”

He wasn’t going to let up until I heard him out. “Fine, talk.”

I half opened my eyes and tried to listen, while dozing off from the very beginning. Apparently the military teaches soldiers to be able to go with little sleep. I didn’t like what they’d done to him, since this was most likely going to be a habit.

“You’re all upset over me not knowing about Brooklyn.
You think that they’re going to flip out on you or something. I think I have a solution. What if we told them that I knew the whole time? I haven’t been home and they suspect there are a lot of reasons why I’m keeping my distance. It would only make sense that part of it was because of the baby. If we told them that you didn’t want Branch to know, they’ll believe us.”

I yawned and looked right at him. “Brooks, the only problem with your story is the part where I run off and get married
to a stranger. How are we going to even begin to explain that?”

“We won’t tell them that either.
They don’t need to know. Look, we all make mistakes. Last week I felt like my whole life was worthless. I thought you’d moved on and started a family with someone else. I wanted to bury myself ten feet in the ground and never look back. I don’t care about the details of when or who. All I care about is us. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a family to visit on the holidays? It’s better for them to know her when she’s small. That way she’ll never remember a time when they weren’t a part of her life.”

I shrugged. “Of course
, it would be wonderful, but I think you’re assuming that they’ll forgive me. I hurt them, Brooks. Just because you’ve forgiven me doesn’t mean they will.”

“Kat
, I love you and I love B. I don’t care if it’s been four days of four years. Nothing is going to change for me. Don’t you get it? You’ve given me everything and you still think that you’re this horrible person. You’ve always been a part of my family and you know it. Family forgives.”

“I
am
a horrible person.” He needed to stop forgiving me for everything. “Brooks, I ran away from everything, had a child that you never knew about, and let another man, who beat me on occasion, raise her. What part of that is forgivable?”

He put his hand over my lips. “
All of it. It’s true, but you also assumed that we were through. Then you thought I died. If something ever did happen to me, I’d want you to find happiness. Besides, after seeing you for five minutes, I knew you were still in love with me. After that, I didn’t care so much. Granted, I was pretty pissed that first night.” I thought about him coming home, probably showing up with flowers, and there I was hugging and kissing on my child and another man. I imagined the bomb that caused his heart to explode into pieces. Then, to make matters worse, I called the police because his truck kept appearing.

The whole time, I’d never considered it could have been him, because out of
stupidity I’d assumed he’d died.

“I could spend the rest of my life apologizing to you and it will never be enough.” I hated myself for what I’d done. Bobby had been a mistake from the beginning. I can’t
believe that I’d let myself fall for him and considered having his child. The thought made me cringe. “What if we don’t work out? What then?”

“First of all, I’ve already forgiven you, at least for the Brooklyn part. Now, me being a guy,
I can see where you’d think that Bobby was a good catch. He seems nice on the outside and, given your circumstance, I can understand how him offering to take care of you was a good idea. What I don’t understand is how you could let someone physically hurt you more than once. That is what bothers me. It’s the only thing that I can’t let go of, especially since I’ve spent my whole life looking out for you.”

“I’m weak. Losing you broke me. Knowing what we could have been shattered my soul. Once I knew I’d made a horrible mistake, I just ran. I didn’t stop driving until I was sure that I wouldn’t be found. Facing any of you would have been impossible. I thought I had things under control, but I started getting sick and then I discovered I was pregnant. I know my decisions were prompted by desperation. I’ll admit to that. I’ll also admit that after time, I developed feelings for Bobby; feelings that may or may not have blinded me from a lot of things. The problem with falling for someone else was that I knew I was letting you go. When I thought you’d died, I snapped. I think a part of me died with you that day, even though you obviously weren’t dead. I gave up hoping and settled for what I already had. Was it a mistake?
Probably. At the time, I didn’t have many options.”

“
Not until I showed up,” he added.

He reached for my hand and
intertwined our fingers. They fit perfectly together, as if they were made to be connected.

I squeezed his
hand and looked up at him again. “When I found out you were alive, I didn’t even tell him. I ran right to you. I had to see you, to touch you and know that it was real. You can’t imagine what I went through. I was miserable. It was hard to even take care of B. My heart hurt for her never being able to know you. I couldn’t let go, because I wanted to believe that someday we’d be together. I’ll always run to you, Brooks. It’s why I know that this time is different. Our time apart taught me that my life is nothing unless you’re in it. B needs her real father, not a replacement. She needs to grow up understanding what real love feels like. I will do anything to make what I did up to you and prove that no matter where I was, or who I was doing it with, I never gave anyone my whole heart. I fell in love with you when we were children and it’s never gone away.”

He laughed and looked right
at me. “Me too.”

I shook my head and smiled
. “No, I think I even remember the exact moment. We were all three in the tub together. I guess we were around five. I’d asked my mother if she’d stop making me take baths with you two, because Branch made fun of me all of the time. Remember he used to point at me and laugh because I was different?”

Brooks smiled and pulled me
closer against his chest. We both looked over to make sure B was still sleeping. “Yeah, I remember. He only picked on you, because he liked you.”

“Don’t take up for him.” I slapped him lightly on the chest. “Anyway, this one time he
said I was ugly. It made me cry. You pushed him against the faucet and it cut his back. He got out crying and ran and told on you. Then you looked right at me, as innocent as it probably was, and told me-” He cut me off before I could finish.

“You’re pretty to me. That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”

I couldn’t believe he remembered it after all of the years that had passed. “Yes.”

“Well, you were always pretty, until you hit puberty. Then you became beautiful.”

His words took my breath away. I looked right at him and saw him smiling and I began to cry. “I don’t deserve you.”

He ran his hand through my hair as he spo
ke. “You know, Kat, I told my Mom once that I was in love with you. I think we were around ten and we’d all three been up in the tree house playing. You had those Barbie’s up there and Branch kept throwing them out and making you climb down and get them. About the third time he did it, I grabbed his arm and yanked it until he cried. I remember him running to tell on me and when Mom asked me why I did it, I looked right up at her and said ‘because I love her’. I think my mom always knew that it had never gone away. She even suspected something the night of our first kiss, or maybe my brother ran in and tattled about what we were doing. She kept giving me an evil eye all night, silently accusing me of something. Maybe I just felt like we’d done something naughty. At any rate, she knew how I felt about you. So did my dad. He pulled me aside when you started dating Branch. He told me that there were plenty of other girls out there for me. He didn’t get that I didn’t want any other girls. It’s the reason I started bringing random girls home. Part of it was because I thought you’d get jealous and want me instead of Branch. The other part was because they both pulled me aside and asked me if I was okay with you being with him. I couldn’t admit that I wasn’t. Mom made a huge deal trying to keep me occupied while you were doing your own things and making out with Branch. Finally, I knew they wouldn’t stop until I showed them that I didn’t care. It wasn’t always an act. Some of those girls were fun.” He started laughing, knowing he’d gotten to me.

“I guess I deserve that.”

“Stop. Kat, no matter who I was with, in my eyes, they were always you. Besides, I wasn’t innocent. I lost my virginity to a girl who didn’t even know it was me. You could hate me forever for that one alone, but I went and did it twice, because I couldn’t say no to you. I couldn’t go and get Branch, when I knew I could be what you wanted. I used to dream that halfway into it you’d say you knew it was me the whole time. I was pretty messed up.”

“You know, the first time, it was only my second time. It’s probably why Branch didn’t even understand what I was talking about. I wasn’t running around sleeping with your brother. It took me a long time to do that. Maybe I always knew that it wasn’t right.”

“Damn, if I’d have known that I probably would have told you, seeing as I know I was better. I watched a lot of porn while you were out with my brother. You can learn so much if you turn the volume down and fast forward through the story part.”

“Eww, don’t tell me that.”

He laughed. “You should see the collection we had overseas. It gets real lonely.”

I decided to nix the conversation before I learned even more that I didn’t want to know.

“I wish we could go back.”

“Don’t,” he said as he kissed the top of my head. “We’re here now. All of that bullshit that we’ve gone through has only made what we have stronger. I’m not living in the past, Katy. It’s time to move forward. I’ll be by your side if you want to divorce Bobby. If you’re not ready…”

“Not ready? It should have never happened. I think everyone is forgetting that I didn’t marry him because I wanted to. I married him because I was out of options. Bobby was good to me for the most part, but I will definitely be divorcing him, the sooner the better.”

“Just checking. So
, about the plan. Will you go along with it?”

I placed my hands o
n his chest and leaned my chin on them. “I’ll do whatever you want me to, Brooks.”

He raised his brows. “Don’t tell me that. I’ll start making lists.”

I reached down under the covers, first touching his thigh and then what was waiting in between. He got ready to say something else, when we heard someone climbing off the bed next to us. Brooks noticed her first. He held out his arms for her to climb up and join us. “There’s my girl. Come up here. Let’s get Mama.”

She jumped up, already fueled with energy. I removed my hand and pulled the covers up over my body, so she wouldn’t see that
we weren’t dressed. Brooks offering to tell his parents that he knew about B would definitely make me feel better. Then all I’d have to feel guilty for was leaving Branch at the alter after sleeping with Brooks.