Lust on the Rocks (34 page)

The trouble with his position was that it didn’t take into account the indiscretions of youth.  Jess probably thought she wasn’t hurting anyone by engaging in a meaningless fling.  She probably thought she was just having a good time. 
Who are you to talk to me about behavior?
 
You sleep with any guy with two legs! 
Sam recalled the insults hurled with heat and anger.  But misperceptions about her choices had given Jess only half the picture—the part that seemed wild and carefree.  The part that seemed detached and unfeeling.

The part that seemed reckless, Sam realized.  To Jess, it probably did appear as though Sam juggled lovers like a pro, bouncing between them, heedless to their feelings or wants, because the kid wasn’t privy to the intimate dynamics at play.  She didn’t know Sam was open and honest with every one, stating her non-committal position upfront.

“I should have told him before,” Jess muttered in a tone of self-disgust.  “I should have been straight with Luke, right from the start.”

Yes, Sam thought, but that was irrelevant at this point.

Jessica swung her head low.  “None of it matters anymore.”

The nurse’s warning cut into her mind. 
Watch for signs of depression
.

Was that what this was?  She looked at the side of her head, the pout on her face that was seemingly becoming permanent.  Was she clinically depressed or just feeling blue?  “Jess, listen to me.”  She turned her sister’s body within her arms so she could face her squarely.  She needed the girl to hear her.  Really hear her and get the words to sink in.  “Whether Luke forgives you or not is irrelevant.  What matters now is you—you and only you.  And you need to understand that people make mistakes.  You do, I do, we all do.  But we have to learn from them, not use them as a noose to hang ourselves.  Having a one night stand isn’t a crime.  It may be a lapse in judgment, it may be heat of the moment sex but it’s not a crime of unforgivable sin.  It’s an act.  You take responsibility for it and you move on.  You’ve taken your responsibility but now you’ve got to move on.”

A hard line of sadness underscored the brown of her eyes.  “And do what?”

“You go back to school.  You live your life.  If you and Luke are meant to be together then you will find your way back to one another.  If not, it was never meant to be in the first place.”

Jessica dropped her gaze.  “Easy for you to say.  You have Vic and he’s madly in love with you.”

Vic.  Suddenly Sam wasn’t so sure about the state of their relationship.  For if one thing had become crystal clear during this pregnancy scare it was a distinct divergence of perspective between the two of them.  Vic and Sam came from two very different worlds of thought, his black and white while hers ran the spectrum of the rainbow.  Vic wanted children.  He said as much himself.  Vic wanted traditional.  She could hear it behind his words.  Vic wanted marriage and family—everything she didn’t want.

“You’ll find love, Jess.”  She rubbed her hand up and down the younger’s slender arm.  “And when you do, it will stand strong by your side.  It will carry you through good times and bad and it will nourish and replenish you every day of your life.”

Unlike Vic.  Once the passionate beginnings sim-mered into steady and steadfast, he’d quickly realize how wrong they were for one another.  A dull ache settled into her heart.  And they would ultimately say goodbye.

# # #

Arriving at the suite of offices for Baker, Schofield Sam slid her keycard into the slot above the handle and pulled it free, quickly opening the door while she juggled a steaming cup of coffee in her other hand.  Flicking on the lights, she pressed the appropriate numbers on the illuminated pad to deactivate the alarm.  Accustomed to arriving early, today she was actually first.

Beat the hell out of sleeping.

Allowing the heavy metal door to close behind her, a wave of exhaustion swept over her.  Sleep,
hell
.  Tossing and turning and worrying about Jess didn’t constitute sleep.  Far from it.  But unable to reel in her mind, she decided to give in and make the best use of the neurons that
were
willing to fire—despite her instinct to stay with Jess.

Entering the offices through the employee lounge, she turned on lights as necessary.  The secretary could handle the remainder when she arrived.  Nothing but the essentials this morning.  Reassured by a phone call to Jen, o-dark thirty notwithstanding, Sam felt a trip to the office was warranted.  At least for a half-day considering she’d been gone for two.  Vic and Diego were busy at work on their expert testimony, but this was her case and she needed to be involved, firsthand.

As she passed Maria’s desk, she slowed.  Neat and meticulously organized, a pinprick of sadness poked her in the heart.  She hadn’t told her about the miscarriage, yet.  She’d taken her time off as personal days, without revealing the reason.  But now she would have to.  She considered Maria a friend and let her in on Jessica’s pregnancy.  It was only fair she disclose the miscarriage, too.

Sam could almost hear Maria’s cry of disbelief, of shock, followed by a sharp sadness.  All the things she herself had felt.  A small lump formed in her throat.  And Jess, poor thing.  She was the one going through it, holding up reasonably well.  She cringed.  Sam never imagined she would have wanted to keep the child!  What she must be feeling, every day, every minute.  This loss would plague her every day for the rest of her life. 
Vic’s mother had learned this from experience
.

Sam snapped the lens closed.  She couldn’t do this.  She was here to work, not lose herself in the tides of emotion, no matter how powerful the draw.  She could do that later, at home, in privacy.

Forging ahead, she reiterated her vow to work.  Work, damn it.  Don’t dwell on what you cannot change.  Focus on what you can.  Circling around her desk, she ignored the creamy gold view of bay and sky and settling her coffee onto a safe corner of her desk, eased the briefcase from her shoulder.  With brisk determination, she shook the problems from her mind and sifted through the pile of messages Maria left square center on her desk pad.

Two hours later, Maria sashayed in with a fresh cup of hot coffee.  “Good morning, boss.  Good to have you back.”

Sam looked up from her notes just as she placed the ceramic mug alongside her Styrofoam one, the contents long since cold.  Maria’s smile was bright and cheery, matching the sunshine yellow of her suit.

Until concern rippled across her face.  “What’s wrong?”

The pen fell limp in Sam’s hand.  No sense in putting off the inevitable.  “Jess lost the baby.”

Maria gasped and flung a hand over her mouth, her customary bangles sliding down her wrist.

A fresh wound opened in Sam’s heart as she revealed, “Two days ago.”

“Ay
Dios mio
…  Maria plummeted into the nearest chair.  “I’m so sorry.”

Fighting back the tears, Sam nodded.  “Me, too.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No.”  She offered a small smile, touched by her offer.  Maria would do anything she needed, no ifs ands or buts about it.  “Thank you, though.”

“Is she okay?”

Struck by the question.  The words steeped in sympathy, Sam wasn’t sure if she meant physically or emotionally, but replied to both, “She will be.  It’s a lot to deal with, but she’s a strong girl.  She’ll pull through all right.”

Maria bowed her head and signed the cross over her face and shoulders, mumbling something in Spanish.  Then she raised up, her gaze mournful but firm.  “She has you.  She’ll be fine.”

Sam longed for the confidence Maria bestowed upon her.  “I wish it were that easy, Mare.”

“Sam.”

Both turned.

Her heart skipped a beat.

“Hi, Mr. Marin.”

Vic acknowledged Maria’s greeting, but stood in place waiting for an invitation from Sam.

Shallow, tense, she forced a calming breath while her heart took off on a thunderous gallop.  It had been days since she last saw him, but so much had happened it seemed like weeks,
months
even.  And though pleased by the sight of him, she struggled against a swell of anxiety as he walked in.

His presence filled the small confines of her office, the familiar cologne, the curve of his lips…and his eyes.  His dark brown eyes held the distinct mark of worry.  She had been out of the office, unexplained, and it was clear he had questions—

Questions which didn’t have a thing to do with work.

Maria cast a knowing glance between the two and excused herself without another word.

Sam lingered in the unmistakable intimacy that hovered between them.  A twinge of regret spurted through her heart.  She hadn’t called him about the miscarriage.  She had avoided him.  Because Jess’ predicament had shone a light on their relationship and revealed him for the man he was and always would be; a traditional man seeking a traditional life.  And a traditional woman.

The pain cut deep. 
Everything she wasn’t
.

“How are you?” he asked in a tone not befitting the office.

“Fine.”

“You’ve been gone a few days.”  He stepped closer, confusion pouring from fluid brown eyes.  “I was concerned...”

“Jess had a miscarriage.”  She turned away, tears burning behind her gaze.  She hated to just blurt it out that way, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.

“Oh, no...”  Sam could feel his presence move closer.  “I’m
so
sorry, Sam.”

She nodded and crossed arms over her chest.  “A convenient solution, don’t you think?” Sam said, hating the need to push him.  And herself.

“Don’t say that.”

She turned to face him fully, her breathing all but nonexistent. But she kept the tears at bay, her arms locked.  “It’s true, isn’t it?  This way she doesn’t have to feel guilty about having an abortion.”

He cast a look of unbridled innocence, confusion.  “I’m just glad to know you’re okay, Sam.”

The near-smile sliced her to the quick.

“I’m not surprised you stayed home to help her.”

She wanted to reach out and hold him, hug him.  To lose herself in his warm embrace, his strength.  But she didn’t dare.

She might never let go.  Her heart splintered.  And then he would be forced to cut her free when he realized she wasn’t the woman for him.

Her calm started to unravel.  “Look,” she said, cursing the faint crack to her voice.  “I appreciate you stopping by.  Really.  But I’ve got a lot of work to do.”  She brushed hair from her brow and scooted closer to her desk, want and need tumbling with doubt and fear.  “Perry goes to trial this month and I’m not ready.”

“Sam,” he said, and closed the distance between them.  “What’s wrong?”  His eyes moved back and forth across hers giving her no room to evade his question.  “What gives?”

“Nothing,” she lied.  “I’m tired, overwhelmed...  I’ve got a lot to do.”

“I’m not talking about work, I’m talking about us.”  He walked around her desk and pulled her up from her chair—to face him.  “I could have helped you get through this.  My mother has resources, information that might help your sister.  You shouldn’t try and handle this alone.”

Her insides shredded. 
Not when you have me
.  She heard the words as clearly as if he had spoken them.

“Why are you shutting me out?  I called but you never called me back.”  Intense dark eyes darted back and forth across hers.  Why not?”

Her throat locked, suddenly coarse and dry.

“Talk to me.”  Disquiet sharpened his tone and he held her by the shoulders.  “Tell me what’s going on.”

Fear seeped into her heart.  “I need to focus on work right now, Vic.  I need to focus on my sister.”

“I’m not stopping you from doing any of that—I just want to be a part of it, help you in any way I can.”

She knew that.  She knew it was true.  But she was having a hard time making sense of his role.  They had no future.  They had only the present.

“Have dinner with me tonight.”

Staring into the familiar face, desire pulled.  She wanted to be with Vic.  The grip of his hands on her shoulders reminded her of his strength, the warmth of his embrace.  Even now, the scent of his cologne reminded her of his touch, his body, naked against her own.  The last forty-eight hours had been difficult.  She felt drained, wrung out.  Empty. 
Would it really hurt to spend the time with him
?

“I don’t know,” she said in an instant surge of guilt.  “I have to call Jess.  She needs me right now, but later…”

“I understand.”  He gave an imperceptible nod of his head, but within the black line of his lashes she could see the glint of hunger staring back at her.  He wanted her, but he would wait.

Her pulse thumped. 
Could she
?

Chapter Thirty-One

Sam checked her watch and heaved a ragged sigh.  Four o’clock.  She hadn’t planned on being here this long, on leaving Jess alone all day.  But it couldn’t be helped.  One thing after another had demanded her attention, called for her decision until finally, she’d had enough.  She smacked her pen onto the desk and reached for the phone.  She punched in her home number.  This would be her third call.

Earlier Jess’ voice sounded bleak as a sunless day.  Luke hadn’t called, hadn’t come by.  The pang in Sam’s side was quick and fierce, and now a familiar part of her day.  Her grip tightened as she pressed the receiver to her ear.  She should be at home with Jess, not muddling through files.

But the court’s schedule was inflexible.  The Perry case was looming and she had to be prepared.  At the sound of her recorded voice, Sam hung up the phone.  No answer. 
Could that be a good thing
?  Had Jess taken her advice and gone to her brother’s?  Sam swiveled around in her chair and unleashed her gaze outdoors.  Clear blue, not a cloud in the sky, the bay glittered like a sheet of crystals.  Gorgeous, endless, the view did nothing to boost her mood, rather pulled her into a mind-numbing stare where she surrendered to the absence of thought.  She detached her emotions from the plight of her sister, released her focus from the problems in her case and gave herself a minute to do nothing.  She didn’t think, she didn’t feel, she indulged herself in the freedom of nothing.