Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself! (11 page)

If you're having sex with a man because you think it will make him love you and want to be with you, you've failed to understand that you cannot change the way a man feels (
Truth 4
,
Chapter 2
) and you'll find yourself disappointed and feeling used (ironically, not because he used you but because you used yourself to try to manipulate another human being).

If you want to get married and have a family because you think it will guarantee he'll love you forever or you'll finally get the financial security you've dreamed of, you missed that if you want guarantees in love, you don't want love (
Truth 5
,
Chapter 2
), and that relationships are spiritual opportunities, not a needs exchange (
Truth 2
,
Chapter 2
).

Want more? Let's say you use rules or techniques to land your man. You've followed every step in the system and caught him with a strategic set of manipulative games. What happens then?

In order to keep him, you'll have to maintain that charade for the rest of your life. You'll have to lie incessantly about what works and what doesn't in order to abide by the "rules." You'll never be able to fully and authentically
express yourself or give and receive unconditional love, because that's not part of the big calculated game plan to keep him on his toes.

Relationships produced from rules require constant and exhausting self-management and overall self-deadening. My suggestion? To hell with the rules!

Manipulation never produces deeply intimate love or satisfying relationships. True and lasting love springs from authenticity, communication, and a willingness to fully surrender to another human being.

You don't need rules. You need truth. Your truth. His truth. Your collective truth—communicated to each other in a spirit of respect and compassion, free from finger-pointing, blame, and manipulation. I can think of nothing sexier than a woman who is unashamedly herself—honest about her feelings, authentic in her expressions, and secure enough to share her insecurities as they come up.

It is in the realm of limitless possibilities, not rules, that true love lives. Through straightforwardness, not manipulation, magnificent relationships are born. And it is out of integrity, authenticity, and self-respect that your irresistibility will flourish.

Irresistible Action Challenge

What rules have you abided by up until now? Write them down.

Now consider these questions. Where did you learn the rules you wrote down? Are they working for you? How willing are you to break free from the old mold of "rules" and step into the world of limitless possibilities?

Copyright © 2008 by Marie Forleo. Click here for terms of use
.

If you judge people you have no time to
love them.

—
Mother Teresa

About five years ago, I had a type—my own per fect man checklist, if you will: not so tall, Italian (or Italian-esque), Catholic, within about three years of my age, never married, no kids (nor did he want any), and having a certain amount of . . . um . . . Jersey-ness. He was preferably a smart, savvy, suit-wearing kind of man (not some artistic, creative type). I couldn't even conceive of being with someone who didn't fit that profile. Mind you, it's not as though I thought to create this date-ability
criteria. It was unconsciously put together from things I saw growing up in the family and culture I grew up in.

My perfect man checklist was blown to bits when I started living my life directly and began investigating the way I operated, just like you are doing here. It was really exciting for me. I discovered that whole new worlds of men existed out there. Much to my surprise (and his), I fell deeply in love with a man named Josh, a Jewish actor-writer-director several years older than I, who was divorced with a nine-year-old son.

Ha! Almost the exact opposite of what I thought would make me happy. Almost the complete reverse of my perfect man checklist.

I tell you from experience: what I know now to be possible in terms of love, partnership, and intimacy is far beyond what I could have ever imagined before meeting him. My ideas of the perfect man were so small, so limited—downright pale in comparison to the reality and brilliance I experience with Josh on a daily basis.

What it took for me to discover my truth (and Josh) was a willingness to fully let go of my ideas of what I thought would make me happy and to allow something new and utterly unknown to enter in. Prior to meeting him, my mind was so filled up with old thoughts, judgments, restrictions, and perfect man criteria, I was unable to even see that anything else existed.

Using a perfect man checklist makes it nearly impossible to attract the right man for you. Your ideas of perfect
are narrow and limiting. They come from what you already know, which means they are derived from the past—from a less expansive, less experienced, less irresistible version of you.

Your perfect man checklist, whether it's a list you have consciously compiled or one you subconsciously absorbed from your culture, is cutting you off from boatloads of loving and available men. The perfect man checklist acts as a restrictive filter—sifting, sorting, and screening who you'll even consider dating. It's a self-imposed barrier to love and holds many women back from the possibility of having a magical relationship. Your checklist has probably even turned into a mental fantasy of someone I like to call . . .

You know this guy. He's the idealized picture you have of the person you should be with for the rest of your life. Of course, no mortal man can hope to compete. He's mythical because he's based on a story of who you think will make you happy. He's fictional—a fantasy composite you've dreamed up based on limited and narrow information from your past. He's a made-up man in your mind, not a real man in your bed.

I ask you this: what if your current image is shortsighted? What if there's someone out there with incredibly wonderful qualities you can't even imagine yet? What if
you're more invested in your fantasy than in reality? What if within nanoseconds of meeting someone you unconsciously compare him to your mythical Mr. Right and conveniently judge him as not "the one" so you can avoid the challenge and intimacy of a real relationship?

Are you willing to let go of what you
think
will make you happy in order to discover something more exciting, more intimate, and more loving than you could ever imagine? Are you courageous enough to have a real relationship with a real man?

What if the idea of Mr. Right is completely false? What if there is no Mr. Wrong? What if every relationship—no matter how brief—contains a priceless lesson allowing you to grow and evolve into your grandest self?

Irresistible Action Challenge

Write out your perfect man checklist and list all of the character traits of your mythical Mr. Right. This includes all of the ways you sort, sift, and screen potential partners. Some ideas to get you started are his hair color, height, ethnicity, age, occupation, and income. Is there any type you won't date or even consider giving a second look?

Done? Good. Now burn the list.

One last thing. You are a goddess, a queen. You know so much more than you think you do, and it does not come from your mind. It is born from your spirit—from your inner knowing, your higher self, the divine intelligence within you. You are intuitive, perceptive, and wise.

In order to unleash your authentic irresistibility, you've got to be willing to step outside the confines of your mind and open yourself up to the limitless possibilities of the universe. Rest assured that opening up your possibilities does not mean that the man you fall in love with won't have qualities you desire. It just means that you stop living out of old, self-limiting ideas and thoughts and discover what's true for you now.

Why restrict yourself to some made-up idea of who you think you should be with? What if someone beyond your wildest dreams is just around the corner waiting for you if you are open enough to see him? Why put up barriers to love?

Irresistible Action Challenge

Let go of finding Mr. Right and simply start having fun. (What a concept!) Say this three times aloud right now:

I date for
fun
, not to find the one!

I date for
fun
, not to find the one!

I date for
fun
, not to find the one!

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and on the men you date. Reawaken your girlish spirit and enjoy yourself again. Play. Laugh. Be silly. Have an adventure on dates. What do you have to lose besides your singleness? Trust your intuition. If you feel attracted to someone who's not "your type," go out with him anyway and open yourself up to new possibilities.

You never know whom you might discover.

Copyright © 2008 by Marie Forleo. Click here for terms of use
.

Know that you cannot help but judge. What you
then do with your judgment is the choice.

—
Story Waters, author and spiritual teacher

Most of us have heard the phrase
battle of the sexes
. It refers to the fact that most men and women are in a constant power struggle to outdo one another. Men are trying to prove their superiority over women while women are doing the same. Despite the social and political advances of women over the past century, this gender war still exists in our society and, left unexamined, damages your ability to attract men as well as to maintain and enjoy healthy relationships with them.

This rivalry of men versus women has been culturally passed down from generation to generation since the beginning of time. And all of us, whether we recognize it or not, have been deeply influenced by it. Until you become fully aware of all the nuances of its existence, you unwittingly participate in this war and are destined to keep behaving in ways that erode your irresistibility. This unexamined contempt for men will pop up and sabotage an otherwise healthy relationship.

Here's what happens. Day in and day out you absorb messages (consciously and unconsciously) that reinforce the gender war. In magazine articles, TV shows, and casual conversations, we are bombarded with statistics, stories, and remarks to prove one gender is outsmarting, outearning, or outliving the other. Even friends and family often influence and reenroll you in the fight against men. You'll engage in male-bashing joke fests or multihour complaint calls with the girls about how insensitive, uncommunicative, untrustworthy, self-centered, lazy, and noncommittal all men are. Aunt Sally will say, "Oh, dear, there's nothing you can do—all men are like that." Or your best friend will say, "You know men—they just don't get it." Deep inside, you, too, feel somehow wronged by men and may say or do things (intentionally or not) that leave the men you spend time with feeling defensive, slighted, or inadequate.

Many single women I know have a habit of systematically emasculating men and then wonder why they're alone or in a combative relationship. Let's take my client
Ali's story as an example of everyday innocent conversation that reenrolled her in the gender war.

Ali is a thirty-one-year-old publicist in the fashion industry. She's blonde, attractive, and financially successful. She has had several relationships that all ended badly and is eager to settle down and start a family. She recently started dating Mike, a high-powered business analyst. After a few weeks dating Mike, Ali had the following conversation with her friend Sharon.

Ali: "You know, Mike called to cancel our dinner plans tonight because he has a big project due at work tomorrow. He told me he'd take me out on Friday night instead, but I'm still disappointed."

Sharon: "That's such a guy thing. Men are just so inconsiderate—all they care about is themselves."

Ali: "You think they're all like that?"

Sharon: "Of course they are. And it gets worse once you move in together. Do you think my Gary ever helps clean up our apartment? God forbid I ask him to make the bed or take out the trash. He'd rather sit his fat ass on the couch all day and watch TV. Men!"

Can you see how a seemingly innocent conversation can enroll you in the gender war? Most likely, Ali will punish Mike by withholding sex and acting slightly distant,
hoping that he gets the point that she's upset about something. This approach is not recommended! If you want to be irresistible and have magical relationships, you've got to stop looking at men like they are a different species, out to do you wrong. This attitude is no different from racial or religious discrimination. Start looking at men and women as unique and individual people.

Many women ask, "Where are all the real men?" or complain, "There just aren't enough single men my age. They all want younger women." Women who make remarks like these fail to see, unbeknownst to themselves, that they harbor a deep-seated contempt for men. They unconsciously look for ways to prove men do it wrong, think wrong, behave wrong, and are wrong. It's impossible to attract a loving and satisfying relationship with a man, and have it last, if you are a secret or not-so-secret man hater.

Here are some tendencies to watch out for:

You compete with men professionally to prove women are better.