Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (15 page)

For example, imagine your child is sulking in a toyshop when you’re out buying a present for his friend’s birthday party because you won’t buy him a present as well. The temptation is to say: “You don’t know how much I’ve done for you, and yet you always want more! You don’t know how lucky you are!” This might very well be true, but when a child is sulking in the middle of a toyshop he is unlikely to respond to this kind of argument. It would be better to say: “Thank you for showing me that toy you want. Next time we buy you a toy, that would be a great one to get. Today it’s not your turn for a toy, but if you are good, we’ll think about getting you another toy soon.”

General principles for children

There are some important general rules in relation to children:

•
Don’t use corporal punishment.
Most of the experts in the field (including pediatricians, social workers and academics) believe that corporal punishment is ineffective and harmful.

•
Stay calm.
Yelling at your child might sometimes be effective in getting a short-term goal, but in the long term it teaches them that yelling is appropriate and they will use it when they lose control. Parents should, when possible, model good behavior! Of course, all parents do shout at times, and you would hardly be human if you did not. But keep that to a minimum. If your child is being exasperating simply take time away. Walk away and take a breather. Have a drink of water. Ask your partner to deal with them. Indeed, it is surprising how often introducing a new person into the situation can lead to a rapid solution.

•
Praise your child.
Even when correcting them, emphasize the good things they do and encourage them to do good in the issues you’re arguing about. Remember too to give rewards and encouragement for good behavior. If good behavior gets no response and bad behavior leads to a telling off then bad behavior may become the only way a child can get a response from you. You must learn to recognize what might be attention-seeking behavior. Children can be cranky just because they are tired and need some attention. Stopping the argument and giving them a cuddle can be very effective. Of course, if this is the issue, then build quality time for them into your schedule so that they don’t need to resort to bad behavior to get your attention.

•
Treat your child with respect and as an intelligent person.
Give them reasons for acting in a sensible way. Listening to the reasons they have for not complying with what you say can be important. You might decide, when you listen properly to them, that they have a point after all. Remember that the things that are important to children are not necessarily the things that are important to adults. You shouldn’t expect them to be little adults, but good children. All of this will give your child invaluable lessons for life as they learn to think through issues for themselves. By treating your child with respect and as an intelligent person, they are more likely to treat you (and others) in the same way.

•
Spend time with your children.
You can only get to know your children well if you spend time with them. Only then will you know what triggers disputes and what kinds of reasons they are likely to listen to when arguments arise. There is plenty of evidence that good relationships with parents can benefit children in terms of education, psychological well-being and happiness.

•
Consistency is key.
If you have rules, stick to them. If there are rewards or punishments that follow from behavior, then respect them.

•
Be careful what phrases you use.
Adults are accustomed to unpleasant phrases being used and are normally able to ignore them or put them in context. Children find this much
harder. “You’re stupid” might easily be laughed off by an adult, but not by a child. So be particularly careful of personal attacks on a child. Concentrate on remarks about their behavior rather than them. This is extremely important. Self-esteem issues that develop in children can grow into much bigger issues later. So address the issue/behavior at the heart of the argument, but don’t attack the person. Say “Writing on the wall was
not
a good thing to do!,” rather than “You are a naughty and silly boy!”

Useful examples

“That behavior is inappropriate for someone of your age” (rather than “You’re being babyish”). For a younger child, say “That’s how a two-year-old would act. You are now three.”

“I don’t like it when you use language like this” (rather than “I hate you”).

“You’re a very clever person, but you don’t sound it when you talk like that” (rather than “You’re stupid”).

•
Remember that children learn how to argue from you.
Speak harshly, fail to listen, be abusive, shout, and children will learn that is the way to argue.

Unruly children

Perhaps the most difficult situations arise where children get angry and you’re trying to discuss things with them. First, remember that anger is a normal and natural emotion. The difficulty for children is often how to deal with anger. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that a child is being bad because they feel anger. The problems may be with how that anger manifests itself.

Here are some top tips:

• Find out why the child is angry. What is it that riles the child? Is it something that can easily be dealt with? Some
children become short-tempered when they are hungry or tired. Perhaps a quick snack is the answer. Making sure the child gets enough rest may be key. Is there something that you do that creates the anger? Remember, it’s so easy to see the situation only with adult eyes. To you the fact that the child is upset because he has lost teddy, when he has dozens of stuffed toys, makes no sense, but that is not how children see the world.

• Tell the child you understand their anger. Do your best to empathize with the child.

Useful examples

“I can see that you are really angry.”

“You know, I get angry sometimes too. I can see you’re really upset.”

“When Sue did that to you it was really really annoying, wasn’t it?”

• Acknowledge that the child is angry and, if you know why they feel that way, acknowledge the wrong that was done to them. Depending on the age of the child it may be appropriate to help them name the emotion they’re feeling. Talking through anger and emotional responses with children can be immeasurably valuable. Coming alongside them and being a friend, rather than confronting them when they are in an angry state, can build your relationship. The issue you’re concerned with can be dealt with later when the child is calm.

• Show the child a good way to express their anger. This is best done later, when the child has calmed down. Ask yourself what should he or she do when they feel anger? Maybe you should encourage the child to go outside and do something energetic (“When you feel annoyed why not go and ride your bike?” “Why not hit a pillow when you get really angry?’). My wife tells our daughter that she is allowed to be as cross as she wants to in her room, and stamp around as loudly as she wishes, as long as it’s in her room. You have to give your child
a way to work through their anger and frustration, and help them recognize anger as a normal feeling. Teach your child that it is what they
do
in their anger that can be harmful to them and others, and give them healthy ways of expressing it.

• Listen to what the child is saying and make sure your child realizes you are listening. Repeat back to them what they have said so that you have understood correctly. You need to teach them that listening to someone else is important. Why should they listen to you if you don’t listen to them?

• It is tempting sometimes to see any anger issues your child might have as “their” problem. But it’s better to see it as your family’s problem. Indeed, the school and friends may all have their part in working through it.

• When a child is feeling angry or emotional is not the time to have a productive argument. Nor is it the time to correct the child. You will need to address the issues at hand later on when they are calmer.

Useful example

“This morning, when Sylvie changed the TV program you were watching, you got very angry with her and said some nasty things to her. You really need to go and apologize to her.”

• It may be that getting on the same eye level with the child will help. Or maybe coming side by side to them. Each child is different, and so you need to find the best way to communicate that you’re with them and will help them. Use a calm voice and a pleasant expression. Depending on the child, holding them or touching them may be helpful. Other children will want space and will not want to be touched while they are angry.

• Keep things short. Children don’t want (and it’s rarely helpful) to talk at length. Deal with the issue quickly. There may be another time to talk in more depth.

• It may be that there are medical issues connected to your child’s behavior. A chat with your GP may reassure you or they may offer tests if you’re concerned that there is more going on than normal child behavior.

Teenagers

Many of the principles we have already discussed are applicable to teenagers. Here are some of the key points:

• Spend time with teenagers, but be aware of their desire for privacy and space. You may need simply to be there and available, even if not directly talking to them. When discussing, try to use open questions, “How was your day?,” rather than closed ones, “Did you have a good day?,” which can be answered “yes” or “no.” If your teenager is keen to talk use that as a time to chat, rather than a time to reprimand. Arguments can take the form of “discussions” in this context.

• Listen to their arguments and respect them. Try to respond in arguments that they will appreciate. For example, the fact that you and your friends might think a particular outfit is unsuitable is not going to persuade a child who thinks it’s trendy. Indeed, for many teenagers being able to choose what to wear is a crucial aspect of personal identity and independence. That must be respected and understood.

• Many teenagers suffer from self-esteem issues. Be sensitive to this, particularly in relation to matters of personal appearance. Don’t criticize them harshly or make derogatory remarks. Even jokes can be taken wrongly. Build your child up. Respect them as young people.

• Some teenagers find dealing with and expressing emotions difficult. You need to understand and support your teenager during this time. Gently help them express those emotions in suitable ways. Telling them off or punishing them is unlikely to help.

• Remember that for many teenagers their status with friends is very important. Chiding them about their untidy room in front of their friends is unlikely to be popular. It’s best to deal with any problems when you are alone with your child.

Getting it right

Dad:    “Where are you going, Steve?”

Steve:   “I’m off to a party. I’ve got a ride, but I have to go now.”

Dad:    “But have you done your homework yet? When is it due?”

Steve:   “Tomorrow.”

Dad:    “So how are you going to get it done?”

Steve:   “I’ll do it tomorrow morning.”

Dad:    “Are you sure you’ll get up in time?”

Steve:   “I will.”

Dad:    “Well, you’re going to get in trouble with the school if you oversleep.”

Steve:   “That’s true. Look I’ll make sure I’m back by 11 and I’ll set the alarm clock for 7:30.”

Dad:    “OK, but we’ll use this as a test case. If it doesn’t work out this time, do you agree that in the future homework will have to be done before you go out? You can only go out now if you agree.”

Steve:   “Fair enough. Bye, Dad.”

Summary

Children are great! Encourage your children to be good, rather than overreacting when they are bad. As far as possible try to reason with them and give them good reasons for acting in the way you want. Discuss with them why things go wrong. Help them to learn the consequences that flow from decisions. Always love them. Very much.

In practice

Talk to your child as much as possible. What makes them tick? What kind of person do they try to be? What do they enjoy? Try in arguments to build on these aspects. Try as much as possible to work through issues together with your child, rather than ordering them what to do.

Chapter 13. Arguments at work

Do you keep getting into arguments at work? Do you find it difficult to stand up for yourself? Do people keep telling you what to do and you either end up in an argument, or you roll over and feel you’re a doormat? Are you a boss and do you often find yourself in arguments with employees? This section will give you some key strategies for arguments at work.

Getting it wrong

(Monica and Jessica are at a meeting at work with colleagues)