Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (6 page)

Tip

If you’re feeling at all angry you’re probably becoming much more aggressive than you think.

It’s very tempting to match the volume and tone of the person talking to you. If they start speaking more loudly you tend to, too. Watch out for this. Don’t let their anger create your anger.

Body language

There are some excellent books on body language around (try James Borg’s
Body Language,
2008, FT Press). I’ll outline only a few key points here. But as it is often said, 70 percent of communication takes place through body language. Here are a few top tips:

• Don’t sit or stand too close to the person you’re talking to.

• Sit or stand opposite them.

• Use some, but not too much, eye contact.

• Use open body posture: don’t cross your arms across your chest.

Similarly watch out for these signs from the person you’re talking to:

• Are their arms crossed over their chest? If so, this suggests tension.

• Do they look shifty or uncomfortable? That could indicate they’re not being entirely open.

Colorful language

Use colorful language! No, I don’t mean using naughty words! I mean try to spice up your argument with some colorful words and phrases. Don’t overdo it: you’re not auditioning for Julliard. But there are plenty of ways of making your argument attractive for listeners:

•
Use analogies.
When Microsoft was asked to bundle other companies” software with its browsers, Bill Gates said that it was like “requiring Coke to ship two cans of Pepsi with every six-pack.” This immediately understandable analogy made the point really well. Avoid clichés. Create your own analogy. If you’re trying to make the point that the other person is trying to achieve the impossible, try to think of an appropriate analogy with a well-known person.

•
Use “intensifiers.”
These are words that have a strong association. Avoid words like “very” or “a lot” and choose words that convey a meaning dramatically. Have a look at the words used by advertisers. Bleaches don’t just clean, they “destroy bacteria”; moisturizers don’t just moisturize, they “soften” and “hydrate.”

•
Choose terminology carefully.
Anyone who follows debates will become familiar with the battle over which terminology should be used. Consider, for example, the language used in the abortion debate: is it a fetus or an unborn child? Each side seeks to use their terminology because, consciously or not, it can affect the way the argument is looked at. Be careful not to adopt the terminology of the other person as it can skew the debate.

Al Smith, a politician, when asked what his views on alcohol were, said:

“If by alcohol you mean that which is the defiler of innocence, the corrupter of chastity, the scourge of disease, the ruination of the mind and the cause of unemployment and broken families, then of course I oppose it with every resource of mind and body.

But if by alcohol you mean that spirit of fellowship; that oil of conversation which adds lilt to the lips and music to the mouth; that liquid warmth which gladdens the soul and cheers the heart; that benefit whose tax revenue has contributed countless millions into public treasuries to educate our children, to care for the blind, and treat our needy elder citizens—then with all the resources of my mind and body I favor it.”

Words, too, can be important in answers to arguments. Consider these two responses from a chair of a meeting:

“We have before us a carefully researched and well-argued proposal.”

This statement may make it far more likely the proposal will be accepted than:

“Right, well, that was ... err ... interesting. Is there anyone else who wants to speak in favor of it or shall we move on?”

Empower the person

The best way to argue is not to tell the other person what to do, but to get them to work it out for themselves. A person is more likely to “own” the solution if they are part of it. This is why it can be so persuasive to give people the arguments on either side. Imagine a local meeting where Bob speaks:

“We’re here to decide about whether to oppose the new mobile phone tower being erected. We have heard all the benefits: our phone reception will be a bit better; we will get a bit of extra money; and we will have found a use for that piece of waste land. We have heard about the disadvantages: there is a small increase in the risk our children will get cancer; the land cannot be used to build a fantastic new playground; it will destroy the beautiful views from the hills. We need to weigh these to reach our own decision about what’s best.”

You can be in little doubt where Bob’s sympathies lie, but he’s not telling you directly what to think. He’s leaving it to you to work it out for yourself. Of course, he has set down a clear path he wants your thinking to follow.

Summary

Spend time on the presentation of your argument. Make sure you keep it simple and keep it attractive. Address not only the arguments you have in favor of your case, but also the arguments against. Use dramatic, exciting language to draw your listener into your enthusiasm for your case.

In practice

How you present an argument isn’t about a new outfit or a haircut. Of course grooming matters in many situations. But in arguments, groom your words. Be clear, colorful and courageous. Be clever, concise and calm. But most of all be charming. Use humor and humility to empower the other person to see things from your point of view. Then you will win.

Chapter 4. Golden Rule 4: Listen and listen again

The goal of an argument is to explain to another person your concerns or views about something and hopefully to win them over to your way of thinking. Expressing yourself clearly is therefore crucial and we shall be talking about that later. But, if you’re to persuade another person, you must listen to what they’re saying.

Listen, listen, listen. It’s such good advice I mention it thrice.

There are three important reasons for this:

• You will only persuade someone of something if you address the concerns they have.

• You must present your arguments in terms that the other person will find convincing.

• By keeping quiet (when listening) you’re giving the other person time to present their arguments. The weakness of their view may become more apparent to them and to others, and they might very well “shoot themselves in the foot.”

As a general rule, you should spend more time listening than talking. Aim for listening for 75 percent of the conversation and giving your own arguments for about 25 percent.

Tip

You want to talk
with
not talk
at
the other person.

Getting the other person to talk

Listening sounds like the easiest thing in the world, but in fact it’s very difficult. The temptation is to think about what you want to say when the other person is talking. You can see this most obviously when a person interrupts another person. They are so focused on what they want to say that they’re not listening.

Tip

Don’t interrupt. It’s rude. By interrupting you’re implying that what you want to say is far more important than what the other person is saying.

Listening to someone is not just keeping quiet while they’re talking. It involves trying to understand what the person is saying and why. If you don’t understand, then ask for clarification. Some people will need help explaining their view. As we said earlier, some people just state their conclusions and need to be encouraged to explain their reasoning.

“That’s really interesting. I’ve never met someone who thought that the world was flat. Why do you think that?”

Asking a question of the other person is important because it reveals to you where they’re coming from and what are the foundations of their arguments. Only once you know these can you seek to challenge them.

You might find that the person doesn’t know why they think what they do. You may even need to help them:

“You say you think cousins who marry are disgusting. Is that because of religious reasons? Or are you worried about any children they may have with birth defects?”

Of course some (maybe most) people haven’t thought through why they have a particular view.

Address the other person’s arguments

Consider this argument:

Getting it wrong

Brian:    “There’s no other choice; we’ll have to fire Lucy.”

Sheila:   “But she has two young children and it will be cruel to fire her.”

Brian:    “She’s just costing the firm too much and we need to reduce our payroll.”

Sheila:   “But it’s just coming up to Christmas, it will be hard on the children.”

Brian:    “The company is going to go bust if we don’t do something to cut costs. Firing her is the easiest way to cut costs.”

Sheila:   “You’re just being cruel and heartless.”

Brian:    “We must be realistic.”

Sheila:   “You just don’t understand.”

This argument is not going well. The problem, for both Sheila and Brian, is that they’re not listening to what the other person is saying. Brian is not addressing Sheila’s real objection to the proposed dismissal. He can make as many points as he likes about the financial wisdom of the decision, but none of those are addressing Sheila’s central concern, which is about Lucy’s children. Similarly, Sheila can make as many points as she wants about the children, but that’s not considering the issue from Brian’s perspective. It’s as if they’re trying to play tennis together, but each is hitting a different ball. The argument is not going to get anywhere. Brian needs to persuade Sheila that the dismissal is not going to be harsh on Lucy and her family, or to think of a way of lessening the blow. Perhaps, for example, the dismissal could be postponed until after Christmas. Sheila needs to suggest other ways of saving money if Brian is to be persuaded not to fire Lucy.

So a key part of winning an argument is listening to the statements that the other person is making and addressing them. If you don’t, you’ll keep making points that the other person won’t agree with, and you’re not addressing the reason for your disagreement.

What arguments will convince the other person?

What will disinguish an excellent arguer from a good arguer is whether they can present arguments that will convince the other person. You may have a host of excellent points to support your case, but you need to choose from your arsenal the arguments that will most persuade the person you’re talking to. Then you need to think about the best way of presenting those arguments, making them most attractive to the person you’re arguing with. What you might think is a really good argument might not be a good argument to the person you’re talking to.

Consider this discussion between Alison and Charles:

Getting it wrong

Alison:    “People on welfare are just are lazy scroungers.”

Charles:   “That’s not fair. My friend Mary has been trying to get a job for months. She tries really hard and it’s not that easy.”

Alison:    “Well, I read this study in the newspaper last week that said that over $12 million is lost each year through welfare fraud.”

Charles:   “But Mary isn’t defrauding anyone. She’s a very honest person.”

Alison:    “Do you know how much of our tax goes to pay benefits? I work hard to get my salary and it just goes to pay welfare for people who don’t work.”

Charles:   “But I don’t mind my money going to people like Mary. She deserves it.”

This argument highlights a common problem when people argue. There are some people who focus on the big picture. They find statistics and studies very convincing. Others prefer looking at issues in relation to an individual case.

In the argument between Alison and Charles, Charles is the kind of person who finds it easier to consider issues by focusing on individual cases. So, if Alison wants to persuade him of her point of view she should give him examples of cases of people who are “lazy scroungers.” Similarly, if Charles wants to persuade Alison of his point of view he needs to find studies or the views of experts to support it. She seems to be the kind of person who is not convinced by the stories of individuals.

In fact, most people probably find a mixture of personal stories and statistics convincing. So, especially if you’re talking to a group of people or to a person you don’t know very well, try to give arguments based on the broad picture as well as on an individual scenario—as in this example:

Getting it right

“We need to reorganize the layout of the office. You’ll see from the plans I have given you that this will create an extra 250 square feet of space that can be used for office space and create two new desk stations. The cost per added square foot comes in at only $60. Consider, for example, Steven. He’s currently squeezed into a tiny space and has to waste a lot of time walking to the other side of the office to get to his filing cabinet. Under my proposal he will be much more comfortable and not be wasting time.”