Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (28 page)

A Frustrating Situation for Dad

“Ron” has had a tough day at work. That evening, while trying to relax and watch the evening news on TV, Ron’s 10-year-old daughter, “Sarah,” runs into the room and says, “Dad! My friend Molly just called and told me the National Cheerleading championship is on channel 332. Can I watch the finals?” Ron’s immediate response is, “Sarah, I’m watching the news right now. No, I won’t change the channel!” Sarah stares at Ron, tears bubble in her eyes, and she storms out of the room. Ron thinks about the interaction for about a minute, and then calls Sarah back in the room and says, “OK—go on and watch what you want. You can watch for 10 minutes, but that’s it!” Sarah says, “Never mind, Dad, you made me miss the best part already!” She storms out again—and Ron, in frustration, thinks, “That’s what I get for trying!” Ron’s wife, “Susan,” hears the entire episode. She says to Ron, “Why didn’t you allow her to watch when she first asked? All you did was demonstrate to her that if she throws a tantrum, she might get what she wants!” Ron is getting really frustrated now. “I worked hard today to provide for this family! It should not be such a big deal to be able to come home and watch the news!” Susan now leaves in a huff! What is the problem here? Ron was not able to
suspend judgment
when his daughter made a request. There are understandable and legitimate reasons why this occurred, but the end result was damage to his personal credibility factor—with both his wife and his daughter.

Suspending judgment comes more naturally for some than for others.

Individuals who are very decisive and take-charge types will usually struggle more with this than individuals who analyze first, and then speak. So, suspending judgment must be a
decision
we
make—not just an instinct we follow. The example with Ron and his daughter probably sounds extremely familiar to most parents. But, parenting is just one arena where this secret plays out in our lives.

Hold Your Thoughts...Just for a While

“Hayley” is a bright, ambitious, young analyst in a human resources department with a fast-paced organization. The organization is growing rapidly, expanding primarily through acquiring smaller organizations in the same industry. “Sandra” is the VP of Human Resources of this organization and is facing the task of trying to consolidate all of the various employee benefit programs from the acquired organizations into one companywide program that will work for everyone. Sandra decides to work with employee benefit consultants to help her determine the best approach for structuring benefits that will be effective and acceptable to the geographically dispersed organization. The consultants have been invited to present their recommendations first to the members of the human resources department, then based on their feedback and review, they will make recommendations to senior management.

During this presentation meeting, Hayley interrupts the consultants frequently. She openly opposes their recommendations, hardly allowing the presenters to complete a sentence without interruption and challenge. Sandra decides to call a break in the meeting and brings Hayley into her office. Sandra says, “Hayley, I’m concerned that you are so quick to challenge and disagree with the consultants on their recommendations. Can you help me understand what’s going on?” Hayley, clearly surprised, responds, “Sandra, I thought that is what you wanted us to do. These consultants don’t know our work-force and their needs. We do. I thought you would want me to surface issues that I see as a concern!” Sandra’s responds with, “Hayley, I really do want you to voice your concerns. However, I need to ask you to
hold off on forming an opinion and voicing it until you have heard the entire proposal. Keep notes of your concerns. Then, let’s discuss them after we’ve seen the big-picture proposal.” Hayley stares at Sandra for a few seconds. Then, she mutters, “Well, OK,” and returns to the meeting room. The meeting progressed from there, concerns and issues were discussed at the right times, and a slightly altered plan was agreed upon for presentation to senior management.

The following day, Hayley asked for a few minutes to speak with Sandra. During this discussion, she stated that she realized that she was being somewhat narrow-minded with the consultants’ presentation the previous day. She also told Sandra that she had thought about that incident quite a lot. She said, “Your request for me to hold off forming an opinion (suspending judgment) until I had more information really made me think. I am pretty sure that I fail to do that regularly. It might be why I find myself getting into so many debates with people—my mind is racing forward with my own thoughts, and I am not considering the full picture while I’m doing that!”

The great news is Hayley had someone who was able to give her some coaching on a major issue regarding personal credibility when she really needed it. And, Hayley was open-minded enough to allow that lesson to affect her behavior!

Thinking Through Your Tendencies

So, why did Ron or Hayley fail to automatically suspend judgment? There are many reasons, and as stated earlier, much is connected to basic personality and communication styles. But, both are capable of making the decision to do it. Making that decision, though, requires becoming aware of what happens when we don’t do it—and seeing positive value when we do!

Try this simple true/false assessment:

1. ____ When I see a need for something, I feel a strong urge to act quickly.

2. ____ When planning to eat out in a restaurant, I consider one or two options, and then quickly decide on one.

3. ____ When making a purchase decision for a different automobile, I would likely review all the makes, models, option packages, and consumer information on vehicles before looking at or driving the vehicle.

4. ____ I am irritated when someone needs a great deal of information to make a simple decision.

5. ____ I tend to stop and consider any question that is asked of me before responding with my answer.

6. ____ My automatic response to requests of me is, “Let me think about it and let you know.”

If you answered “true” to statements 1, 2, or 4, it might be more difficult for you to suspend judgment. If you answered “true” to statements 3, 5, and 6, suspending judgment might be a more natural part of how you are wired as a human. There’s more to it than just this one piece. Know this: If you have the instinct to act first and think second, your decision to suspend judgment will take a little more work on your part. But, the good news is this—you can choose to do it!

Why does this ability to suspend judgment have such an impact?

It’s pretty simple—when you do it, you are remaining open to all the possibilities or options within a situation. When you remain open, you are most likely to make a better decision. And, when you make the better decision in the immediate situation, you are less likely to rethink your decision, change your mind, and leave an impression on others that you are reacting to their response versus giving your own considered response.

The Thought Process for Suspending Judgment

Suspending judgment requires you to ask yourself the following questions:

• What should I learn about this situation?

• Why is it important that I remain open-minded in this situation?

• How can I respond to keep the dialogue open for more information?

So, let’s look at Ron and his daughter Sarah. Here’s how the conversation could play out if Ron asked himself those three questions:

That evening, while trying to relax and watch the evening news on TV, Ron’s 10-year-old daughter, Sarah, runs into the room and says, “Dad! My friend Molly just called and told me the National Cheerleading championship is on channel 332. Can I see the finals?”

• Ron asks himself, “
What should I learn about this situation?
”

Ron’s first response to Sarah is now, “How much time do you need to watch this?” Sarah says, “It’s in the final five minutes! I want to see who wins!”

•
Ron’s quick question to himself is, “
Why is this important?
”

And his quick (this takes less than a second) internal response is, “Because my daughter matters to me and I love her! What’s five minutes of the news when it will be repeated four times tonight anyway?”

• So, Ron now asks himself, “
How can I respond to keep the dialogue open for more information?
”

Ron’s next (verbal) statement to Sarah is this, “Sure, it’s fine to change the channel for five minutes if you will commit to me that you will be agreeable when I decide to change the channel back to the news that I want to watch.” Sarah says, “Oh, I will, Dad!”

The channel is changed, and maybe it all works out without a hitch. Or, as often happens, perhaps Sarah wants more time to watch her preferred channel. If Ron chooses to give it to her—fine. But even if he doesn’t, his credibility is still intact. Why is that? It is because he chose to suspend judgment, make a decision, and keep the communication going. She might still rant and rave, but that is not as likely now. And, remember Susan, Ron’s wife? Well, she’s much more likely to be pleased with Ron’s response to their daughter and especially his clarifying the conditions and staying the course.

In looking at the example of Hayley, Sandra was trying to coach Hayley, and she also wanted to utilize Hayley’s knowledge of the organization and employee benefits. Sandra could see that Hayley was behaving in a way that was somewhat rude and interruptive.

Appropriately, Sandra chose to address Hayley in a private conversation and used this process:

•
What should I learn about this situation?

Sandra asked Hayley to explain why she was interrupting and not allowing the flow of the information.

•
Why is it important that I remain open-minded in this situation?

Sandra knew that it was important to have a trial run of the consultants’ proposals to anticipate reactions from senior managers. It was important, also, to give the human resources staff the first opportunity to give feedback. Lastly, it was important that Sandra help Hayley maintain self-confidence and self-esteem, but also learn to be able to suspend judgment.

•
How can I respond to keep the dialogue open for more information?

Sandra responded to Hayley in private, to protect her from public criticism. She also asked questions versus just giving direction. And, she responded by giving an alternative way for Hayley to handle the situation by choosing to suspend judgment. Lastly, she made it clear that she wanted Hayley’s thoughts and questions—she just wanted her to present those in a different manner. Today, Hayley claims that this became a major moment of learning for her.

Suspending judgment is an action that takes just a very small amount of time.

Typically, this thought process occurs in one to three seconds, believe it or not. However, when we use those few seconds and practice the process, we have an incredible opportunity to increase personal credibility. We avoid hasty decisions. We postpone our own reactions that could harm relationships. We are far less likely to face a situation of changing our mind and our position on issues as a result. Others learn to trust us to think/then act, rather than act/then change our mind. When others can depend on us to do that, we are seen as someone who is believable and trustworthy—someone with personal credibility.

For Personal Credibility: Know the Secrets!

As we learned in
Part I
, people who possess strong personal credibility tend to share an understanding of these simple secrets:

• Respect is earned from what we do, not from position, status, or power.

• Trust only happens when people know that we are sincere and transparent.

• We greatly increase our chances for earning trust and respect when we choose to suspend judgment of others—and keep our minds open to considering other perspectives.

So, it always ties back to one central point: When we give and receive trust and respect, we are on the road to personal credibility!

Part II: Stepping Up with Credibility: Seven Steps to Influence Personal Credibility

•
Chapter 4
Step #1:
Know Your “Stuff”

•
Chapter 5
Step #2:
Keep Commitments