Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (27 page)

Pete has an active invisible fence; he wants others to believe he is sincere and cares about them, but his actions indicate this is not so. Donna’s invisible fence keeps her from interacting openly with her family, causing both Donna and her family to miss out on any type of meaningful relationship with her. Pete and Donna are acting—and others pick up on this act, and the HIFA alarm sounds. Nellie, on the other hand, is seen by all who know her as being open, approachable, and someone with total authenticity.

Authentic Results, Even During Tough Times

Most of us tend to keep our invisible fences deactivated when we are totally at ease and feel accepted by others. The true measure of being authentic is when we are authentic even in difficult situations. “Rob” was the president of a business unit of a large financial services organization. Only six months after joining the organization, Rob was informed that the business was going to be purchased by a large organization based in Europe. Rob had just uprooted his family and his life when moving from his prior role in a successful business located in Chicago to take this role in the southeastern United States. He was informed by the board that it was possible for his business unit to remain in place, for his role with the business to remain the same—but it was highly unlikely. It was more likely that the business would relocate to Europe, and his role as president would be eliminated. Rob was informed that he would participate as a member of a transition team to help make that determination, and he was also told to “hold things together” during this very difficult, uncertain time for the organization.

Rob knew what “hold things together” meant: He needed to keep people focused and keep the business running successfully. Rob also had absolute insight into
Secret #1
: He fully believed that he could not achieve these results as a result of his “position” of president. He knew his greatest risk was losing valuable organizational talent and, as a result, experience declining performance. Why would employees make decisions to stay with the organization and perform well just because “the president said so”? He knew that people needed honesty and respect from a leader. Rob believed the way he could gain the respect of the 700+ employees was to be genuine, authentic, and respectful of them.

Rob began holding short “lobby talks” to update employees on the status of the acquisition and the results of the work being done by the transition team. He made statements like:

“I can honestly tell you that I don’t know where this business will be located or who will lead it. I will absolutely tell you, however, that I will keep you informed as I learn more.”

He also said:

“I’m sure you are struggling with the uncertainty of this situation. I know, it is a struggle for me, too.”

Or:

“I know that I have trouble falling asleep some nights, and I’m sure that you have the same problem.”

He didn’t hide his personal concerns, but he also helped employees see the options that might be available for them even if the company did relocate. He did not promise anything, but instead helped employees fully understand what was occurring. He asked for employee commitment and performance during this difficult time—and he committed to doing everything he could do to help them by providing ongoing and honest information.

Interestingly, other business units of the same organization began to hear about the “lobby talks” that were occurring in Rob’s part of the business. Employees who worked in other business units began to show up during the lobby talks, even though they worked in different locations and buildings across town. Many stated that Rob’s lobby talks were the only information they were able to learn about the upcoming acquisition as their own business unit leaders were not communicating about the status of the activities. In just a few weeks, the lobby talks were dubbed “Robby in the Lobby” by employees who crowded into the lobby of the building just to hear what was happening.

In addition to the need for information, these employees were also drawn to Rob’s
authenticity
as a leader. They wanted to hear the truth—from someone who was concerned enough about everyone to share the truth in an open, thoughtful way. The truth was not “spun” or “polished” in any way. Rather, the facts were delivered—in a way that others could see the pure, human face of the leader who was delivering the message. No invisible fence existed with Rob.

The organization ultimately decided to move its operations to Europe. And, unfortunately, there was no president position available for Rob in the end. His position was eliminated from this organization, and he went on to lead in a different setting. However, the impact that Rob left on over 1,000 employees during a difficult time was amazing. He put himself out there, was transparent and vulnerable, and, as a result, was really a role model for authenticity. Interestingly, the business results were more positive than at any time in history. In a very difficult time for people and for business, authentic leadership created an amazing response.

Taking It Personally

Although this is a business leadership example, it was also extremely personal for Rob. Rob didn’t like his situation at all. But, he made a decision that revealing everything he could as a leader would be the only real way that others would be able to trust him to lead effectively during a difficult situation.

How about you? Do you struggle with accepting all of you—even the parts you don’t really like?

Do you believe that others see, know, and accept the “real” you—the one who is a blend of positive characteristics along with all your human flaws? Do you spend the majority of your life trying to be better, stronger, happier, smarter, better looking—
just more acceptable
—than you
really
believe you are? If you believe that you should improve in a certain area—and who doesn’t need to do this?—which improvements are you focused most upon? Are you focused upon changing your thinking, your emotions, your heart—or are you focused only on how you can
act
differently so that you and others will see you in a certain (more acceptable) way? Are there unresolved issues from your past that have caused you to erect this invisible fence? If so, can you honestly say that you have done your part to resolve those differences?

Are you truly authentic—or are you truly just acting? We established earlier that it is what people
do
that creates personal credibility. Here’s the kicker to that: What you
do
needs to line up with what you really believe—if it doesn’t, then others’ built-in antennae will go on alert, their HIFA alarms will sound, and trust will be difficult to establish.

Without trust, and the ability to inspire others to trust in us, personal credibility is nearly impossible.

How about you and your invisible fence? Is there something impacting how transparent and open you are—and how others perceive you? Are you even aware of it? Try completing this simple assessment and you might be surprised.

Your response scale:

1 = Never

2 = On occasion

3 = Usually

4 = Always

1. ___ People seek me out to discuss their concerns and problems.

2. ___ I am comfortable with who I am in all areas of my life (job, family, friends, and so on).

3. ___ People value and accept me as I am.

4. ___ I have several people with whom I can easily and openly share my concerns.

5. ___ If people were asked to describe me, their descriptions would all be similar.

6. ___ I would likely agree with descriptions others have of me, my personality, and my behavior.

7. ___ I have been told that I am a good listener.

8. ___ It is very common to have total strangers approach me, begin conversations, or ask questions of me.

9. ___ When I discuss my life with others, my conversation is focused more on sharing my joys and opportunities than my problems and challenges.

10. ___ After meeting someone new, I reflect back on what I found interesting about that person.

Directions:

Add your total score: _______

It is a little unrealistic to advise you to “Just deactivate the invisible fence and be more transparent and authentic!” If you are trying to be authentic and transparent and it is just an act, then that act itself blocks your authenticity. The only reason that we activate our fence is to keep ourselves protected from someone or something. Why would we find a need to protect ourselves? It’s because we all have some basic insecurities. We regularly ask ourselves questions like: Am I good enough? Do I really know enough? Am I really smart enough? Oh, and yes, do I look good enough? And, based on how we
really
feel about that, the fence becomes more or less a part of who we are.

Some of us are fortunate enough to know that we are neither wonderful nor terrible. We are human—each of us filled with self-belief and behaviors that run the gamut from glorious to god-awful! We eventually recognize the only way to experience effective relationships is to deactivate the invisible fence and allow others to see the real person that we are. We finally accept our own positive traits—along with our human failures and warts. If unresolved conflict from the past is creating the fence, we make a sincere effort to resolve the conflict. We commit to working on our warts, and we don’t ignore them or run from the fact that they exist. When we do this, we are naturally more transparent, and we are able to experience relationships that are genuine and authentic. From doing this, we begin to trust ourselves, trust others, and gain others’ trust and respect. What are we doing? We are building personal credibility.

Think about your own personal invisible fence. Does it usually stay in the “off” position, or is it almost always activated? Take a brave step and ask others for their insight. Take a look at the stress in your life and ask yourself how much might be created from the energy needed to keep that invisible fence running.

The truth about
Secret #2
is this: The easier it is for others to see the real you, the higher your authenticity.

When others know you and believe you are authentic, you are more likely to build trust. And, when you inspire others to believe and have trust in you, you are building personal credibility.

A Final Word of Encouragement

As stated previously, it really is what we
do
that builds our personal credibility. The topic of being transparent and authentic is a little more conceptual versus practical than other topics covered in this book. Even if you found parts of this chapter somewhat difficult to translate into personal actions for building personal credibility, don’t be overly concerned or discouraged. You will clearly see
how
to step up with credibility as you read more.

Chapter Three. Secret #3: The Decision to Suspend Judgment

Highly credible people have made decisions
to “suspend judgment”—to take a neutral position—while considering the other person’s perspective. They can do this because they have decided to be OK with being wrong—or, at bare minimum, OK with having opinions challenged. People with high personal credibility are able to roll things over in their minds, consider differing perspectives,
and
stay neutral in their own positions while they do this. They have chosen neutrality as a first course. This doesn’t mean they don’t have passion, strong beliefs, and opinions. It simply means that their minds are able to
suspend
, to go “on hold” and be open to other opinions, ideas, and thoughts—even if those are quite different from their own!