Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (45 page)

The way you talk is a huge part of your persona, so here are some quick guidelines for sounding more confident:

• Speak clearly without mumbling or speaking too softly.

• Decide in advance how you’re going to express yourself, so you know what you’re doing when the time comes.

• Practice any tricky conversations in advance, with a friend or in front of a mirror.

• Use positive language: not “I think I should be able to,” but “Yes, I can do that.”

And remember, after you’re in any kind of meeting, you should be thinking about the person you’re with, not about yourself. So at the first sign of self-consciousness, give yourself a swift talking to and remind yourself to focus on your companion.

Look Confident

Good, you’re sounding confident and greeting people with a firm handshake or whatever you’ve decided is appropriate. Now then... you need to make sure that your body language matches your confident voice.

I know you don’t want to be worrying about body language while you’re trying to cope with a nerve-wracking or important meeting. So make it a habit straight away for every encounter. That way you won’t have to think about it after the first couple of weeks, and it will become second nature. People don’t say yes to shy, uncertain looking people who seem to be coming across a bit less diffidently this time. They say yes to people whom they think of as being consistently capable and sure of themselves.

Look, the aim is to become someone who always behaves in a confident manner. That way, any time you need anything from anyone, they’ll see you in the best light before you’ve even had to ask. So make eye contact, look interested, and adopt an open and relaxed posture. This isn’t difficult—arms by your sides or in your lap, not tightly folded or hands blocking your face. Sit back in your chair and don’t perch nervously on the edge of it—that sort of thing. Study other people to see who seems relaxed and confident and who doesn’t—and why.

So now you’re confident, you’re friendly, you’re self-assured, you’re warm...how could anyone say no to you?

Learn to Say No

You’ll struggle getting people to say yes to you if you can’t say no to other people. Doesn’t sound fair, does it? But you don’t necessarily have to say no to the same people you want a yes from. The point is that often what you want requires time. That’s a commodity that’s hard to come by if you can’t say no. Or maybe you need a peaceful life (don’t we all), perhaps because you’re under particular stress at the moment, and you really don’t want anything difficult or complicated dumped in your lap.

You know that expression, “If you want something done, ask someone who’s busy?” That partly works because the people who are busiest are usually the worst at saying no, so they’ll always say yes to you. Listen carefully: You don’t want to be that person.

Now don’t take this as an excuse never to do anything for anyone. That’s not what I’m saying. I just want you to do things for people for the right reasons, and not because you couldn’t bring yourself to say no to them.

It’s really important that you grasp the connection between saying no and getting what you want. I’m not pretending it’s vital in every instance, but there are lots of things that you’ll struggle to achieve if you don’t have a clear head. How are you going to organize that group holiday, or clear time for that evening class, or write the report that will wow your boss, or find time to meditate, or whatever, if you’re running around desperately trying to do all the things you promised other people just because you couldn’t say no?

Give Them an Alternative

People who don’t like to say no generally feel that it’s rude or unkind to turn people down when they’re asking for something. It just doesn’t feel right saying no—you feel you should try to help, not obstruct.

OK, fine. So you can still help them. Just don’t do it by saying yes. That may be what they think they want, but actually it’s not. Suppose a neighbor asks you to babysit and you just don’t have the time. Do you feel you’re letting them down if you say no? But you’re not...because actually they don’t need
you
to babysit. They just need
someone
to babysit. If you can help them to a solution that doesn’t involve you, then everyone gains.

So you could tell them, “I can’t, but have you tried Julie?” or “I really can’t tonight, but I could do next Wednesday if that helps?”

Suppose a colleague asks you to cover so they can take a short vacation next week. You’re too busy, but you can still help: “Not next week, no. I could cover for you after the 25th though.” Or, “I’ve got too much work, but I can sort out your orders at the same time as mine if that helps.”

You’re perfectly entitled just to say no of course. I’m only trying to help you here if you have trouble doing that. Also, if your neighbor or colleague goes away feeling that you’ve helped them—even if you haven’t actually said yes to their original request—they’re more likely to cooperate next time you need their help to get what you want.

Be a Broken Record

Everyone else doesn’t necessarily care as much as you do that you get what you want. How much time do you spend helping other people achieve their aims? I hope you sometimes help, but your real focus is your own stuff surely? Well it’s the same for everyone else. They won’t all be as focused as you, and they may need reminding.

Come to that, you may need reminding. When work is going well, the sun is shining, no big bills have come in lately, your relationship is going smoothly and there are no clouds on the horizon, it’s easy to let things ride. Suddenly you realize that months have gone by, or that you’re about to hit problems, and you still haven’t got what you want.

So keep reminding yourself, your partner, your boss, or whoever needs to know that you haven’t taken your eye off the ball. Remind your boss every few weeks that you’re anxious to find a role where you spend more time with customers. Keep asking your partner (without nagging) how he’s getting on with reducing his hours at work. Make sure your sister is on the case with the plans for that big family event, and check what she needs your help with.

If you don’t do this, how will anyone (yourself included) know that you haven’t changed your plans, and that this is still important to you?

Be Sure You’re Sorry

Some people are programmed to apologize no matter what. Just to keep the peace, I suppose. I don’t really know—it’s not one of my traits frankly. But I can see that it’s intended to be conciliatory, which should in theory be a good thing. But it’s not good to do it to excess. I know people who say “sorry” when someone walks straight into them, and take the blame for a mix-up that was clearly caused by the other person not listening, and apologize for serving up “burned” food when no one had noticed it was a bit brown on top, and say sorry for delivering a report late when the facts were changed two days before it was due.

If it’s not your fault, don’t apologize. You don’t have to blame anyone else; you can express regret that things have turned out this way, you can acknowledge the mess-up, but don’t actually say sorry when you’ve done nothing wrong.

What does this have to do with getting what you want, you may be wondering. Well, I’ll tell you. It’s back to that confidence thing. People are far more likely to feel confident in you, respect you, and trust you, if you come across as being reliable, confident, and trustworthy. That’s not exactly rocket science, is it? So if you keep apologizing you give the unconscious impression that you keep making mistakes. Why would your bank manager give you a loan, your boss give you a promotion, your dad lend you his car, your friend go on vacation with you, or your neighbor let you take three feet off the top of the hedge between your gardens, if you keep messing up?

Say What You Mean

I once heard someone offer an under-assertive friend a favor and the friend said no in such a roundabout fashion that the person actually thought she’d said yes, and did it anyway. The friend was annoyed at them doing the opposite of what she’d said—having simply not realized how obtuse they had been. Here’s how the conversation went. Let’s call them Sam and Ali:

Sam: “I’m just taking Jess down to the park to play on the swings. I could take Hester along if that’s OK with you?”

Ali: “Well, that’s a very kind offer. You know, I’m funny about it. I always think I should keep an eye on her myself. But I’m sure I’m being silly. I mean, what’s going to happen? I know it ought to be fine.”

Ali meant no, but Sam heard yes. Ali could have simply said no, but she was worried that this would seem like a rude rejection of Sam’s offer, so she wriggled around trying to justify it so much that she didn’t actually say no at all. In the event, Ali disappeared into the kitchen for five minutes, and when she came back she panicked because she couldn’t see Hester anywhere. I told her Sam had taken Hester and Jess to the park. Ali was appalled that Sam would do that when she’d said no. But neither Sam nor I had heard her say no.

So there’s a little moral tale for you.
⁶
If you’re one of those people who hates saying no outright, get over it. You can still explain your choice if you feel the need, but make sure you say no unequivocally at the start.

Think Before You Speak

Maybe you’re not under-assertive. Perhaps you know that far from pussyfooting around, you can come across as being a little brusque. Maybe it’s your choice of words, or maybe it’s just your manner. Or both. Are you the type to call a spade a spade, or do you intend to be polite and it sometimes just comes out wrong?

Either way, you must have noticed that it doesn’t help you get what you want from people. If someone is going to say yes to you, you want to make it as easy as possible for him. In fact you want to make it hard to say no. You want to make them like and
respect you so that they want to support you, and to express your request in such a way that it would seem churlish to refuse.

So if you have anything to say that might cause offense or upset someone, catch yourself before you start the conversation and remind yourself not to be personal or to place blame, and to concentrate on the situation and not on the people. And promise yourself, if necessary, that after you’ve made your point, you’ll shut up.

This is a wise rule if you’re going to ask for something, but this book is primarily about getting what you want without having to ask. So I’m not talking only about direct requests—I’m talking about all your dealings with people whom you want to be well-disposed toward you. If you unintentionally make your colleague feel small at this week’s meeting, he’s much less likely to offer to help you out next week when your workload gets heavy. If you sound irritable when your neighbor asks you to babysit, they’re less likely to offer to hold the fort so you can go out.

Be Prepared to Disagree

Sometimes you have to say when you think someone is wrong. This is about earning respect. (And people are more likely to say yes to people they respect—aren’t you?) If you can argue a case clearly and without malice, people will have time for you and will want to listen to your views in the future because you clearly express your own thoughts rather than parroting what you think they want to hear.

It’s also about being on the right side. Sometimes you actually believe that someone is arguing for a course of action that you consider morally or
ethically unacceptable, and when that happens you have to say so. Suppose there’s a case of pilfering in the office and everyone is giving Ella the cold shoulder because they think she’s the culprit. But you can see their evidence is purely circumstantial, and you’re concerned that they’re mistreating Ella. You can’t keep quiet about it—you have to disagree with their stance.

Anyone reasonable should welcome disagreement so long as it’s expressed in the right way. Yes, I know there are always a few people who aren’t reasonable, but at least you can make sure you’ve done your best, and anyone listening will think better of you for it. The key to disagreeing nicely is to disagree with what the person is saying, and not with the person herself. I know this sounds like a technicality, but it makes a lot of difference to how the other person responds.

You want to avoid direct criticism of the person, so don’t say things like, “No!” or “You’re wrong” or “You’ve got the wrong end of the stick there.” Aim to comment on what she’s said, and express it as an opinion, however firm an opinion: “I don’t think that’s the way it works,” or “I’m pretty certain we’ll go adrift if we do that.” You see? You’re concentrating on their line of reasoning, not on them.

Control Yourself

What is it that makes some people more difficult to deal with than others? I’ll tell you, and you’ll realize you already knew it really. The thing that gets in the way of making all interactions straightforward is emotion. Negative emotion to be specific. And the more extreme the emotion, the more it gets in the way. When the person you’re dealing with is angry, upset, nervous, hurt, disappointed, touchy, stressed, frustrated, resentful, anxious—that’s when it’s hardest to get the result you want.

And guess what makes things twice as tricky? Yep, that’s right: when both of you are emotional. Two upset, angry, resentful, worried people will double your problems, if not worse. So the first thing you can do to ease those emotionally charged conversations is to make sure that you have your own emotions under control. Look, I’m not talking about whether your feelings are justified here, I’m just talking about how to actually get the result you want.

Of course I know that isn’t always easy, but stay focused on what you want to achieve and recognize that keeping calm is the best way to achieve it, and that should help you to keep a lid on it. If you really can’t stay cool, just walk away until you can trust yourself with the conversation. There are plenty of ways to deal with other people’s emotions, but you’ll struggle to manage any of them until you have your own under control.