Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (47 page)

Give a Bit Extra

This is a great strategy—I love this one. I enjoy the look on people’s faces when I deliver more than I promised. It makes me feel good and it makes them feel great and everyone gains. How cool is that?

The principle is simple: Whatever you say you’ll do, do a little bit more. When you babysit your neighbor’s kids, do the washing up that you find in the kitchen, too. If you say you’ll deliver your report on Thursday, deliver it on Tuesday. If your partner expects you to buy him dinner on his birthday, give him a dozen roses as well. When you borrow you dad’s car, put it through a car wash before you return it. When your friend wants company after a bereavement, take her a couple of meals for the freezer at the same time.

We had a Christmas visitor a couple of years back who gave us a lovely thoughtful present in return for her Christmas dinner. Not only that, she’s a very clever seamstress and noticed that the cats had badly torn one of our cushion covers. She insisted on taking it away with her and repairing it, and it arrived back in the mail within a few days looking as good as new. What a generous gesture, and all the more appreciated on our part because she’d already thanked us amply.

You see? It’s fun coming up with things you can do to make people’s lives that bit brighter than they’re expecting. It’s wonderful seeing them realize that they’re cared about and valued. It’s bound to make people want to go the extra mile for you but, to be honest, it would be more than worth doing regardless.

Be Generous

For some reason when we talk about someone being generous we tend to imply that they’re willing to give or share material things such as money or possessions. That’s certainly a laudible attitude, but not all of us have enough to share, and not everyone needs to share with us. But we do have other things we can be magnanimous with.

How about your time? Are you generous with that? If someone asks you to come to a meeting, or spare them a couple of hours, or give them a ride to collect their car from the mechanic, are you always ready to say yes? Or would you prefer to get lost in a good book, or finish the project you’re working on, or just put your feet up at the end of the day with your favorite TV program? Let me tell you; you’ll actually get far more out of helping out—maybe not every time, but certainly on average—because you’ll be stepping out of your routine and anything could happen, from an interesting conversation to a huge adventure. That’s the thing—you never know what will happen next, especially when you do something different, however mundane it might seem.

Here’s something else you can be generous with: knowledge. You must know something that not everyone else does. Surely you could run a session on stop-frame animation at the local youth club, or get a couple of local kids started playing the guitar, or show some of your junior colleagues how to make their PowerPoint presentation stand out, or give a talk about your specialist subject to a local group. You never know, you might even enjoy yourself.

Praise but Don’t Flatter

People like to be praised, whether it’s for a sparkling piece of work or a stylish choice of clothing, a generous gesture or a clever idea. So give them what they want—they’ll appreciate you for it.

Praise sometimes get a bad reputation for some reason. Some people misguidedly believe that too much of it is a bad thing, or that it will just sound insincere. If you’re worried about this, just remember these guidelines:

• Keep it in proportion. Don’t gush all over someone just because his report was neatly laid out. Give him modest recognition, and save the real effusiveness for the really exceptional achievements.

• Don’t worry about sounding insincere. The rule is very simple: If it is sincere, it will sound sincere. If you’re making it up, it will come across as empty flattery. The thing that needs to change is that you need to voice what you’re already thinking more often, not make up things to praise people for.

• Bear in mind that the praise you give says a lot about your values. If you praise people for only being clever, they’ll come to assume that that’s what matters to you. If you praise people for hard work as well as actual achievement, they’ll realize that you care about effort as well as results. Praise people for being generous or hard working or considerate or brave or quick, and those are the things you’ll be telling them you care about.

Be Loyal

You know your partner can be a bit pushy sometimes. But you don’t go around telling that to everyone. Maybe you moan a bit to your best friend or your father or your brother, but to the outside world you stick up for them, and keep any criticisms to yourself.

Same goes for your best friend. You may be allowed to tell them that they’re irresponsible, but you won’t admit you think that in front of anyone else. And your boss. No eye for detail? That may be your opinion but you wouldn’t share it with the rest of the department.

Am I right? And if not, why not? Look, the point about loyalty is that it isn’t about the person you’re loyal to—it’s about you. Loyalty is an attribute you either have or you don’t. You don’t turn it on or off according to the merits of the partner or friend or boss in question. That wouldn’t be loyalty—that would be expressing an opinion. Loyalty is about you giving your support to someone regardless of your personal view. Whether you agree with them. Whether it’s easy to stand with them. Whether you think it will benefit you.

Funny thing is though, it will benefit you. People will recognize loyalty when they see it, and approve no matter what they think about your partner, friend, or boss. And they’ll realize that if they can get you on their side, they too can rely on your loyalty precisely because you don’t switch it on and off as the wind blows. You’re an inherently loyal person no matter what.

Don’t Talk Behind People’s Backs

I can remember a colleague I used to have who was fairly popular, being funny and entertaining and very good company. There was a group of about half a dozen of us who worked closely together at one time, and got on very well. One lunchtime he and I went out for a bite to eat together, and he started being quite catty about one of the girls in our group of friends. I really didn’t like this at all, and it also set me wondering what he was saying about me behind my back.

You see, it wasn’t only the poor girl in question who, if she knew what was going on (and she found out eventually), had reason to feel aggrieved. I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to be his friend either. Back then I’d learned less than I have since, and I carried on hanging out with John for the entertainment value. But I made damn sure I didn’t tell him anything private, and I never trusted him after that.

No matter how justified your views about people may be, talking behind their backs will always put you in a bad light, and make you appear disloyal. If it isn’t necessary to say anything, then it’s necessary to say nothing. I’m not saying you can’t pass on important information, for the right reasons, to someone who actually needs to know. And of course you and your partner or very best friends are allowed to discuss what you think of people honestly. That’s not the same thing at all, as you know. We all know when we’re bitching, even when we pretend to ourselves that there’s a valid reason for it. But it actually makes us look a lot worse than our intended target.

Learn to Take Criticism Well

I’ve noticed that the people who can handle criticism best are the most confident ones. They’re so sure of their own worth that being told about a minor flaw doesn’t cause them immediately to question their whole value and abilities. Tell people who are under-confident that they don’t always listen very well, and they’ll think you’re telling them that you don’t like them, they’re a useless friend, and they should be embarrassed and ashamed every time they deal with anyone. Tell people who are self-confident that they don’t always listen well, and they’ll think, “Ah, I don’t always listen. I should do something about that.”

Of course the people who look confident on the surface aren’t necessarily the ones who feel confident underneath. And if you don’t feel confident enough to take criticism well, you’ll need to fake it. This isn’t as bad as it sounds because after a bit of practice you’ll find that, actually, a bit of constructive criticism isn’t the end of the world. In fact it’s rather helpful. And people will respect you for being able to take it on board.

You’ve seen people being criticized. Which ones impress you—the ones who get defensive or sulky? Or the ones who say, “Thanks for the feedback. I’ll think about that?” Of course not all feedback is accurate, but if you’re known to handle it without getting prickly, you can ask others for a second opinion, and they’ll be happy to give you an honest response.

And look, this is good news. Would you rather everyone knew you had a weak spot but were too nervous of your reaction to say anything to you, or would you prefer to know so that you could sort it out?

Admit Your Mistakes

This isn’t the same thing as accepting criticism of course, but it’s closely related. We all know that everyone makes mistakes, and if you won’t admit to them you’re not fooling anyone that you’ve never made any. You may, however, come across as arrogant or pompous or simply unable to recognize when you’re wrong.

I’m not advocating some kind of confessional where you go around admitting to everything you can think of, just to appear humble. You don’t want to undermine people’s confidence in you entirely. But where it’s clear something has gone wrong, and it’s down to you, then say so. People will respect you more for it.

The same goes for mistakes in the past. If you can tell a story against yourself, admitting you got something wrong, it makes you look human and modest and honest and genuine and self-effacing. All of which are good things.

There is one exception to this approach, mind you. I had a friend years ago who was always late for everything, to the point where it was hugely irritating. I remember her saying to me, “I’m dreadful at timekeeping, I know, but at least I can admit it.” I thought, “You mean you know it, you realize the frustration it causes,
and you still do it
? If you were unaware of the hassle I might conceivably forgive you, but if you know what you’re doing it’s inexcusable.” When you recognize your mistakes, that doesn’t absolve you of any responsibility for correcting them. On the contrary, it makes it imperative.

Get to Know People

So you want something—badly. That job, or a bigger house, or a decent holiday, or a calmer outlook on life, or a crucial deal at work, or a decent care package for your elderly father. Whatever it is you need, you’re going to struggle to get it without any support. Whether it’s at work or at home, from officials or neighbors or your kids’ school, you’ll find it a whole lot easier with people on your side.

This is always going to be true, before you even know what it is you might want next year or in five years” time. The more of a network you have, the better chance of finding someone to give you the leg-up you need. It’s far harder to get what you want if you’re a recluse, you know.

So go on, get out there, meet people. Get to know your colleagues—go for the occasional drink after work even if it’s not really your thing. Turn up to a residents’ meeting or a school parents’ party or an event at the health club. Chat to people, find out more about them, even offer them help if you find someone who could use your support. One day you’ll find you need someone who understands cars, or knows a local state representative, or has dealt with a particular customer before, or can tell you how to apply for something, or will nominate you for a committee, or can put you in touch with a good lawyer, or will put a word in with the finance director. And the more people you’re on good terms with, the more likely it is you’ll know just the person you need.

Learn to Listen Properly

You’d have thought listening was a basic skill, but how often do you have a conversation with someone where it becomes apparent that you’d both come away from your last discussion on the subject thinking you’d agreed to different things? “But you said
you
were going to pick up the milk on the way home!” “No, I said I wouldn’t have time, and you said you’d do it....” Well, all I can say is that at least one of you wasn’t listening properly, and quite possibly both.

There are lots of things that can keep you from listening properly. Recognize any of these?

• You’re too busy thinking of what you’re going to say as soon as you can get a word in.

• You go off on a different train of thought sparked by something that’s been said.

• You know what they’re going to say anyway.

• You’re bored.

• You don’t really understand what they’re saying.

• You’re distracted by noise or activity.

• You’re in a hurry.

If you want to have productive conversations with people, you need to recognize when one of these things is happening and stop yourself getting distracted. If necessary you need to say, “Sorry, I missed that—can you say it again?” Or, “I didn’t understand that, can you explain it without the jargon?” Or “I can’t really concentrate because I’m running late for a meeting. Can we catch up on this properly later?”

Nobody minds this kind of response, because it shows you want to listen properly. If anything it’s flattering—people like to be heard. So train yourself to listen properly and stop pretending.

Know What You’ve Agreed To

Not all conversations lead to a decision, but often they do. And it’s surprising how often everyone has a different recollection of what’s been decided. That’s why we have minutes for meetings. You might like to try minuting your morning chat with your partner about who’s buying the milk, but personally I’d be somewhat irked if you were my partner and you tried to do that at 7:30 a.m. just as I was rushing out the door.