Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (44 page)

Maybe you want to be given more of a marketing role at work after the planned reorganization next year. What will it take to persuade your boss to give you that responsibility? Do you need to gain any extra qualifications or experience first? When would you need to do that? When should you let your boss know what your ambitions are? If you want to produce a marketing-related report to impress your boss, when would you need to do that?

Everything needs a deadline, or why would it ever bother to happen? You can probably complete it before the deadline—that’s great—but if you let everything pass it will never happen at all. And you’ll have only yourself to blame.

Check Out the Back Door

Of course there’s always the obvious route to getting what you want—such as persuading your boss to let you have a company car—but that’s the bit you don’t want to have to do. Well OK, let’s find another way round it then.

Maybe what you really want is that swanky Mercedes to impress your friends with. But there are other ways to get one. Perhaps you could apply for a promotion to a job that comes with a car. Not likely to happen just yet? Alright then, how about a pay raise (more later on how to get that) and use the extra money to upgrade your own car.

Or you could do some extra work—freelance for your own company or get a second job—to earn the extra you need. Or use any contacts in the motor trade to find a really cheap car for sale, or one you can fix up.

You see, if you think creatively there’s often another way to get what you’re after. So don’t give up—get thinking.

Don’t Make Excuses

It’s difficult when you’re trying to deal with people who don’t want to cooperate. And actually it’s tough trying to meet any kind of deadline if you work long hours. Not to mention the problems of trying to free up an evening when you have kids. Or give up smoking just when life is getting particularly stressful. Or lose weight over the holidays. Or...
shush!
Enough! I’ve heard them all before!

Look, I don’t care if you don’t do this. It’s not me who wants the new job/better relationship/more attention/white wedding/holiday/girlfriend/baby/fantastic body.
⁵
Either you want it or you don’t. If you want it, you’ll look for reasons why you can, not reasons why you can’t. Want to know why some people always seem to get what they want? It’s because they don’t sit around making excuses and hoping it will just manifest out of thin air while they’re waiting. They do it despite all the obstacles that could deter them. They get their heads down, and they don’t take no for an answer.

So let’s have no more excuses. If it were easy you’d already have what you want. The whole point is that it’s difficult. If we let that put us off, we’ll never get anywhere. Alright, lecture over. That’s better. Pull yourself together, and let’s get down to business.

Think Positive

The last point should have shown you where negative thinking gets you. Yep, that’s right, nowhere. If what you want is big, or important, or difficult, or daunting, your biggest challenge may be the psychological one. Most wants that are at all realistic are potentially achievable, but if you let yourself be put off, you’re far less likely to get there. In fact you may never even start. You’ll make excuses, procrastinate, avoid the tricky bits and generally never really give the thing a decent shot.

It’s important to get yourself into the right frame of mind. A positive frame of mind. Don’t give yourself permission to be pessimistic about the outcome. Don’t allow yourself to go through scenarios in your mind that involve you failing at this, or being too late for that, or just missing out, or being told you haven’t earned/won/got what you want. As soon as your mind starts to head that way, be firm. Tell yourself, “No.” That kind of thinking is forbidden, banned,
verboten
.

Instead think about your aim, consider all the points you have on your side, reflect on how far you’ve come, and think about how good it will be when you finally get what you want. Remind yourself of all the times you—and others—have got what they want despite obstacles and challenges, and list all the reasons why you should succeed.

Positive thinking isn’t something that only positive people can do. It’s quite the other way around. Positive people are so because they choose to think positive thoughts.

Don’t Hang Out with Naysayers

I knew a young man who was offered a job in London. I don’t know if you know London, but I can tell you that if you’ve grown up in the country it’s a big, scary place. He was pretty daunted by the prospect of coping with the underground trains, finding his way around and sorting out somewhere to live. But the job was just what he wanted, and he was really enthusiastic.

Until he went home and told his best friend all about it. His best friend was worried. “How on earth will you cope with the overcrowded Tube trains? Where will you live? You’ll never find your way around. What if you can’t afford to live? London is really expensive. I wouldn’t go there, man...” and so on and so on.

Well, no surprises, the young man decided not to take the job. He was disappointed, but that was easier than facing up to all those scary possibilities. And where did he go wrong? Well, he knew perfectly well how his friend would react really. It wasn’t out of character. He’d have been better off finding someone else to talk to, someone who would have said, “What a fantastic opportunity! And London’s such an exciting place to live. You’ll get used to so many people and finding your way around within a couple of days, and you’ll have such a great time....”

If you’re feeling negative or daunted by the challenges of getting what you want, don’t hang out with people who will confirm those negative thoughts. Head for the people you know will build you up and help you to feel positive.

Say It Out Loud

If you want to believe in something, you need to say it out loud. Tell yourself firmly and unequivocally how it is. “I deserve a pay raise,” or “I choose to eat healthy,” or “I am making my relationship better,” or whatever it is you want. For some reason this is more likely to be successful if you word it in the present tense, and make it positive—don’t say, “I’m not...,” but “I am....” (Don’t ask me why, but that’s what research indicates.) So find a phrase that really encapsulates what it is you want to think, and you’ll find before long that you do think it.

Whatever it is you choose to say to yourself, say it as often as you like—several times a day at least. This is one of the cornerstones of positive thinking, because you’re constantly reiterating positive thoughts. We all know that if you hear anything often enough you start to believe it. Well, this is your opportunity to make that fact work for you.

I really can’t say often enough (out loud or otherwise) that getting what you want is as much about your attitude as about what you actually do. Anything that helps to build a more can-do attitude has got to be a good thing.

Believe in Yourself

Enthusiasm, optimism, positive thinking—they’re infectious. You know that. So use it to your advantage.

Go into any room believing in yourself, and the person you’re talking to will believe in you, too. And they’re ten times more likely to say yes to anything you say.

But it’s not just about how other people see you. It’s also about how you see yourself. Yep, we’re back to attitude again. If you believe that you deserve this, are capable of it, can achieve it—whether it’s making enough money to buy a house, patching up your relationship, owning a Ferrari, or becoming a less anxious person—then you’ll make it happen. That self-belief will drive you to succeed where you’d have had no chance if you were expecting to fail. Your level of self-belief isn’t just about motivation, it will actually change the outcome. And you’d better believe it.

Expect Ups and Downs

You know you wrote out that list of things you have to do to get what you want? Well, when you start working through it, you’ll find that some things go far better than you thought. It turns out that your estranged parents are actually ready to bury the past, at least for long enough to share a table at the family event. They were expecting it and had already decided to make the day as happy as possible. What a pleasant surprise, after all the ructions you were anticipating.

What you
hadn’t
predicted was the roof of your sister’s house collapsing a week before the event, necessitating you ordering a tent at the eleventh hour so the event could be held in her garden instead.

Everything in life has its ups and downs, ins and outs, plusses and minuses. Some bits of your grand plan will go far more smoothly than you dared hope, whereas others throw up problems you simply hadn’t foreseen. And what I’m saying is that that’s OK. It’s life. You should have been expecting the unexpected. (I do hate that expression, and I’m only using it ironically.)

Don’t let the downs drag you down. Face them philosophically. Just say to yourself, “Ah, this is one of those downs I knew would crop up at some point,” and deal with it. Yes it’s a pain, but no, it doesn’t have to ruin all your plans.

Enjoy It When You Get It

A friend of mine once spent ages saving up for a classic car. I saw him a couple of weeks after he finally got it. And you know what? He was bitching and moaning about it. It kept breaking down, the gears were sticking, the soft top was mildewed in places, and its fuel consumption was through the roof. And it wouldn’t fit in his garage unless he had a major clearout, which he couldn’t face.

What I found particularly absurd about this (as I told him) was that you expect these things with a classic car. And, actually, that’s half the point.
They’re not worth having unless you’re going to lavish love and care on them. He knew that really, but somehow he hadn’t taken it properly to heart.

My point here is that anyone looking on from the outside wouldn’t have seen him as a man who had got what he wanted. Quite the reverse really. So if you’re certain that you really do want the thing you’re aiming at, make sure you enjoy it when you finally get it. So what if the gears stick? You’re now the proud owner of a beautiful classic car. Sit back and take a few puffs on your metaphorical cigar and tell yourself how you didn’t get where you are today without hard work.

If you settle for second best, don’t check the car over properly before you buy, rush onto the next want before you’ve finished appreciating this one—your hard work will be wasted. And you’ll see yourself as someone who doesn’t get what they want when the opposite is true. So relax, enjoy, bask in some glory. You’ve earned it.

Part 2: Be the Kind of Person People Want to Say Yes To

Most of the things we want in life require other people’s cooperation. Whether you want your partner to lend support, your dad to get off your back, or your boss to give you a career boost of some kind, achieving your goals, dreams, and ambitions needs someone else to say yes.

And this is where some people have a built-in advantage. People just want to say yes to them. There’s something about the way they come across that inspires warmth and friendly support. What a skill to have! And it is a skill—not an innate talent you either have or you don’t, but a skill that anyone can learn.

The guidelines that follow tell you the strategies I have observed over the years that help people to get a positive response. And what’s more, not only do they help you achieve your aim, they also make you enjoyable to be around and help you to get more pleasure out of life and out of other people. They are an end in themselves, as well as helping you to reach your goal.

Don’t Fake It—Have Real Confidence

Oh yeah, and how exactly are you supposed to do that? If you’re shy or anxious, it’s all very well saying, “Be confident!” but that’s not how real life works is it? You can’t just turn it on. So why even bother telling you to make it real?

Hang on a minute and hear me out. Confidence is all about knowing what you’re doing. So it stands to reason that the better you know your “script” the more confidence—genuine confidence—you will feel. You just need to think through what you’re doing and be clear about it.

Suppose you’re one of those people who hates the whole “do I or don’t I” thing when it comes to handshakes. What if you don’t know whether to offer a hand? Hang on, who put the other person in charge of the script? You just have to decide that you’re doing the handshake regardless, and then as soon as you greet the other person you firmly put out a hand with a broad smile. See? You just wrote the script, and you know exactly what’s in it. And you come across as being confident. So you win all around.

If you know you find meeting and greeting hard, just have a script ready and planned before you get there. Practice in a mirror. Rehearse the moment in your head—play it through as if you are watching it happen. Decide whether you’ll shake hands, and have a few lines of greeting ready or a couple of questions prepared to get a conversation going. You might not feel confident about absolutely everything, but you will feel confident about those crucial first 10 minutes.

It may feel like you’re going through the motions slightly the first couple of times you do this, but believe me it will quickly become a habit, and the confidence soon will be as real as it looks.

Sound Confident

Confidence sells. It sells you. If you’re confident other people will feel they can trust you to do what you say you can; they’ll be inspired to rely on you. Suppose you want to win a tricky pitch at work. If you go in mumbling and looking at your shoes, you’ve given yourself a far harder job than if you start off smiling and speaking clearly. Especially if your competitor is slick and self-confident.

It’s the same with your boss and your colleagues. Come across as shy and unsure of yourself and they won’t be too sure of you either. Confidence is contagious. If you have it, others will feel confident in you.