Man From the USSR & Other Plays (15 page)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

The son of a bitch. Eh? Can anyone please tell me what's going on? Where are we, in Corsica? What is this, an incitement to vendetta?

 

LYUBOV'
(to Ryovshin)
And at this point you apparently got the jitters.

 

RYOVSHIN

Not a bit. “What,” I asked, “do you plan to do now?” “To live,” he says, “live for my own pleasure,” and he looks at me, laughing. “And why, sir,” I ask, “are you loitering around here in the dark?”...That is, I didn't say it out loud, but just thought it most eloquently. I hope he got the message. And with that, well—we parted.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

You're not so hot yourself. Why didn't you drop in immediately? Who knows, I might have gone out to mail a letter, and then what would have happened? You could at least have taken the trouble to phone me.

 

RYOVSHIN

Well, you know, it was kind of late....I said to myself, let them get a good night's sleep.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

I didn't feel particularly sleepy, and now I know why!

 

RYOVSHIN

I also noticed that he reeked of perfume. This, on top of his sarcastic surliness, struck me as being downright satanic.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Everything is clear. There is nothing to discuss.... Everything is
perfectly
clear. I'm going to get the entire police force jumping! I will not stand for this benevolence! I refuse to understand
how,
after his threats, about which everybody knew and knows,
how,
after that, they could have allowed him to return to this city!

 

LYUBOV'

It was only something he shouted in a moment of excitement.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

'Xitement, 'xitement! I like that! Sorry, dear girl, but when a man starts shooting, sees he hasn't killed his victims outright, and screams that he will finish the job as soon as he's served his sentence—that's ... that's not excitement, but fact, bloody, fleshy fact, that's what it is! What an ass I was. They said seven years, and I believed them. I thought calmly, four more years, three more, a year and a half, and, when there is only half a year left, we'll get out of here no matter what.... I'd already begun writing to my friend in Capri to make arrangements....Lord, I deserve to be thrashed!

 

RYOVSHIN

Let's keep cool, Alexey Maximovich. It's essential to remain lucid and unafraid ... though caution, even supreme caution, is imperative. I'll be frank: according to my observations, he is in a state of extreme anger and tension, and forced labor has not tamed him in the least. As I said before, I may be mistaken.

 

LYUBOV'

Except that forced labor has nothing to do with it. The man was in jail, that's all.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

All this is
horrible.

 

RYOVSHIN

Here, then, is my plan: at about ten o'clock, you and I, Alexey Maximovich, will go over to Vishnevski's office. Since he was your lawyer at the time, we must first of all see him. It's perfectly obvious to anyone that you can't go on living under a threat like this.... Forgive me if I evoke painful memories, but it happened in this very room, didn't it?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Exactly, exactly. Of course this was all forgotten, and Madame, here, would get annoyed when I recalled it jokingly now and then....It seemed like something we'd seen at the theatre, in some melodrama. Sometimes I even ... yes, it was to
you
that I showed a spot of carmine paint on the floor with the witty comment that the trace of blood was still there. Clever joke.

 

RYOVSHIN

Right here in this room, then? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

 

LYUBOV'

Yes, in this room.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

In this very room. We had just moved in: real newlyweds, I with my mustache, she with her flowers—the whole bit. A touching spectacle. We didn't have that wardrobe then, and this one stood by the wall over there, but everything else was the same then as now, even that little rug....

 

RYOVSHIN

Amazing!

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Not amazing, but criminal. Yesterday, today, everything was so peaceful.... And now look at us! What can I do? I don't have the money either to defend myself or to flee. How could they set him free, after all that happened.... Look, this is how it was. I was sitting here. No, wait—the table was in a different spot, too. Here, I believe. You see—memory does not immediately adjust to a repeat performance. Yesterday it all seemed so long ago....

 

LYUBOV'

It was October eighth, and raining, because I remember the ambulance attendants' cloaks were wet, and my face felt wet too as they were carrying me. You might find that detail useful for your reconstruction.

 

RYOVSHIN

What an amazing thing is memory!

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Here, the furniture is correctly positioned now. Yes, October eighth. Her brother, Mikhail Ivanovich, was visiting us and stayed the night. So. It was evening. Outside it was already dark. I was sitting
here
by the little table, peeling an apple. Like this. She was sitting over there, where she stands now. Suddenly the doorbell rings. We had a new maid, a blockhead even worse than Marfa. I look up and see Barbashin standing in the doorway. Here, stand by the door. All the way back. There. Lyuba and I rise automatically, and he immediately opens fire.

 

RYOVSHIN

Just think....It's not even twenty feet from here to there.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Not even twenty feet? The very first shot hits her in the hip, and she sits down on the floor, and the second zaps me in the left hand—here—another half inch and it would have splintered the bone. He keeps firing, and there I stand with my apple, like a young William Tell. At that moment ... at that moment my brother-in-law comes in and piles on him from behind; you remember him—huge bear of a man. Grabs him and puts a hammerlock on him. While I, in spite of my wound and the terrible pain, calmly go up to Barbashin and whack him on the kisser.... That's when he shouted it—I remember every word: “Just wait, I'll be back to finish off both of you!”

 

RYOVSHIN

I recall how the late Margarita Semyonovna Hoffman gave me the news. I was flabbergasted. Worst of all, the rumor somehow started that Lyubov' Ivanovna was on the point of death.

 

LYUBOV'

Actually, of course, it was just a trifle. I was laid up for a couple of weeks, no more. Now you can't even see the scar.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Whoa, there—you can see it all right. And it wasn't two weeks, but over a month. Now, now, I remember it perfectly well. My hand was no laughing matter either. This is all so, so—And on top of it all I busted my watch yesterday, damn it! Is it time to go yet?

 

RYOVSHIN

There's no point in going before ten: he comes into the office at about ten-fifteen. Or else we could go right to his house—it's practically next door. Which do you prefer?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

I'll go phone him at home right away, that's what I'll do.
(goes out)

 

LYUBOV'

Tell me, has Barbashin changed much?

 

RYOVSHIN

Oh, cut it out, Lyubikins.
²
A mug like any other mug.
(a short pause)
What a mess! You know, I feel very, very uneasy inside, kind of itchy.

 

LYUBOV'

Never mind, let it itch—a little massage is good for the soul. Just don't you start meddling.

 

RYOVSHIN

If I meddle, it's exclusively for your sake. I am amazed by your calmness! And to think I was all set to prepare you for the news—I was afraid you'd have a fit of hysterics.

 

LYUBOV'

I apologize. I'll have one next time for your benefit.

 

RYOVSHIN

Tell me, though—do you think I should have a heart-to-heart talk with him?

 

LYUBOV'

Heart-to-heart with whom?

 

RYOVSHIN

Why, with Barbashin. Maybe if I were to tell him that your conjugal bliss is nothing to brag about—

 

LYUBOV'

Heart-to-heart indeed! You just try. He'll take you apart for your heart-to-heart.

 

RYOVSHIN

Don't get mad. Don't you see? It's just plain logic. If he tried to murder you
then,
because you were happy with your husband, now he would have no reason for it.

 

LYUBOV'

Especially since now we have our little affair going, isn't that right? Go on, tell him about it. Just try.

 

RYOVSHIN

Oh, well, you know—after all, I am a gentleman. But even if he were to find out, believe me, he wouldn't give a hoot. It's on a completely different plane.

 

LYUBOV'

Try, just try.

 

RYOVSHIN

Don't get mad. I only wanted to help. Oh, I'm so upset.

 

LYUBOV'

None of it makes a single bit of difference to me. If you all only knew how little difference it makes.... And where is he staying? Same place as before?

 

RYOVSHIN

Yes, apparently. You don't love me today.

 

LYUBOV'

I never did love you, my dear. Never. Is that clear?

 

RYOVSHIN

Sweetie-pie, don't say that. It's sinful!

 

LYUBOV'

And why don't you talk a little louder? That would really fix things.

 

RYOVSHIN

As if darling Alyosha didn't know! He's known for a long time, and doesn't give a hoot.

 

LYUBOV'

You and all your hooting. No, today I absolutely cannot face discussions like this. I greatly appreciate that you came running right over with your tongue lolling to tell, to share, etcetera, but now please leave.

 

RYOVSHIN

Yes, I'll be leaving with him in a moment. Would you rather I waited in the dining room? He's probably telling the whole story all over again on the phone,
(pause)
Sweetie-pie, I tearfully beg you, please stay home today. If you need anything, just tell me. And Marfa must be warned, so she won't let him in.

 

LYUBOV'

You really think he's going to come visiting? To wish my mummy happy birthday? Or what?

 

RYOVSHIN

No, no, just in case, until things get cleared up.

 

LYUBOV'

Just don't you go clearing anything up.

 

RYOVSHIN

That's a good one. You're putting me in an impossible position.

 

LYUBOV'

No matter—be content with the impossible. It won't last much longer.

 

RYOVSHIN

I'm miserable, hairy, and boring. Come on right out and say it—you're fed up with me.

 

LYUBOV'

All right. I am.

 

RYOVSHIN

And you are the most exquisite, strange, enchanting creature in the whole world. You were conceived by Chekhov, written by Rostand, and acted by Duse. No, no, no! Once bestowed, happiness cannot be withdrawn. Listen, would you like me to challenge Barbashin to a duel?

 

LYUBOV'

Stop clowning. How revolting! You'd better put this table back where it belongs. I keep bumping into it. You come in running and panting and get poor Alyosha all upset.... What was the need for it? “Kill,” “finish off,” “slaughter”—what kind of drivel is this?

 

RYOVSHIN

Let's hope that it is drivel.

 

LYUBOV'

Then again maybe he
will
kill us. Who can tell?

 

RYOVSHIN

See, you envisage the possibility yourself.

 

LYUBOV'

Listen, my dear, I envisage a lot of things, including some you don't even dream of.
(Troshcheykin returns.)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

It's all taken care of. I've arranged the appointment. Come on, he's expecting us at home.

 

RYOVSHIN

Had a nice long chat with him, didn't you?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Oh, I made another call too. Looks like we'll be able to scrounge a little cash. Lyuba, your sister is here. We must warn her and Antonina Pavlovna. If I get it, we'll shove off tomorrow.

 

RYOVSHIN