Man From the USSR & Other Plays (19 page)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Not a chance—when the guests arrive I'll be in my room. All right, I'll just take a piece of candy.

 

LYUBOV'

Alyosha, don't spoil it. I arranged everything so beautifully. Look, in a moment you're going to get a slap on the fingers.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Here's a little piece of cake for you.
(The doorbell rings.)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

That must be old Mrs. Vagabundov. I'll try and finish her today. My hands are trembling, I can't hold a brush, and still I'm going to finish her, damn it. And I'm certainly not going to kill myself trying to make a masterpiece out of it.

 

VERA

It's gluttony you are trembling with.
(Ryovshin enters.)

 

RYOVSHIN

There's someone at the door, but, judging from certain characteristics, she is not part of today's program. Name of Eleonora Shnap. Shall I invite her in?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

What's the meaning of this, Antonina Pavlovna? What kind of people do you invite? Do we kick her out?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

I didn't invite her. Shnap? Shnap? Oh, you know, Lyubushka, wasn't she your midwife?

 

LYUBOV'

Yes. Dreadful woman. Send her home.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

After all, she did come to wish me a happy birthday. We can't turn her away—it wouldn't be nice.

 

LYUBOV'

Whatever you say.
(to Ryovshin)
What are you waiting for? Show her in.

 

VERA

Last time we saw her was at the funeral....

 

LYUBOV'

I don't remember. I don't remember anything....

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

(about to exit left)
Count me out in any case.

 

VERA

You're making a mistake, Alyosha. Her first husband's niece was married to Barbashin's first cousin.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Ah! That's a different story....
(Enter Eleonora Shnap. Violet dress. Pince-nez.)

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

How kind of you to drop by. Actually I didn't want the word to get around, but apparently it did.

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Alas, ze whole town speaking about it iss.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Alas is right! That's well put. I know myself it's nothing to be proud of, just another step closer to the grave. Of course you know my son-in-law and Lyubov', and this is my other daughter, Vera. Their names mean Love and Faith. There isn't any Hope.

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Good Gott! Alzo you mean it is hopeless?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Yes, this is an absolutely hopeless family,
(laughs)
How I would have liked to have a little greeneyed Hope.

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

So?...

 

LYUBOV'

There's a misunderstanding here. Mummy!

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Sit down, please. We'll be having tea in a moment.

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

As zoon ess today I foundt oudt I shlap my hans togedder. I to myzelf tink right avay to look in I must go.

 

LYUBOV'

And see how they're taking it?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Very, very kind. And who was it that told you? Zhenya—I mean Yevghenia Vasilyevna?

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Nein.
Madame Vishnevski.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

How did she know? Alyosha, have you been gossiping?

 

LYUBOV'

Mummy, I'm telling you there's an idiotic mix-up here.
(to Eleonora Shnap)
You see, it's my mother's birthday today.

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Unhappy mudder! Now I everything untershtandt!

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Tell me about him.... Perhaps you...

 

LYUBOV'

Stop it, please. What is this silly talk?

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

A friend in time of zerious trouble you recognize, an enemy in time of little troubles. Zo my professor Esser always zaid. I could not not come....

 

VERA

Nothing terrible has happened. What are you talking about? We are all perfectly relaxed, and even in a festive mood.

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Ja, it iss goot. Never let zuch tings get ze besser off you. Dass iss ze vay: holdt firm!
(to Lyubov')
My poor, poor vun! Poor fictim! Tank Gott our little baby did not liff all tiss to see!

 

LYUBOV'

Tell me, Eleonora Karlovna, do you have a lot of work these days? Is there a great deal of childbearing going on?

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Oh, I know zat my reputation zat of a coldhearted woman doctor is, but believe zat, bezides ze forceps, in my breast zere beats a gross, sad heart.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

In any case, we are very touched by your sympathy.

 

LYUBOV'

Mama. This is unbearable....
(The doorbell rings.)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Listen, just between you and me—did you by any chance see this man today?

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Chust now I look in, but he wass not there. Why, you haff a message for him?
(Ryovshin enters.)

 

RYOVSHIN

Mrs. Vagabundov to see you, Alexey Maximovich.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Be right there. Listen, Lyuba—when Kuprikov comes, call me immediately.
(Mrs. Vagabundov enters like a bouncing ball: she is very elderly, white dress trimmed with lace, lace fan and velvet neck ribbon, apricot-colored hair.)

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

Greetings, greetings, I know I intrude
But, in view of what's happened I don't think I'm rude—

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Let's go, let's go!

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

—and in view of events—

 

LYUBOV'

Madam, he's in great form today, you'll see!

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

There's simply no sense!
No—no—this ain't
The right time to paint.
Lord, what could be absurder
Than such a beauty to murder?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

The portrait must be completed.

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

With heroics, Maestro, dispense—
I know and respect your state of suspense:
I've been widowed like you,
And not one time but two.
My conjugal bliss was a horrid deception,
And consisted without exception
Of wakes.
I see you have tea and cakes?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Sit down, please do.

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

I'm thirsting for news!

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Please listen to me—I'm being serious. Drink some tea, have whatever you want—that thingum with the cream, for instance—but then I want to work on your portrait ! You must realize that I'll probably be leaving tomorrow. We must finish!

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

So! Here is shpeaking common zense. Leave, leave and again leave! I have always with Herr Barbashin a bit of hail-fellow-vell-met relationship, und naturally he vill a terrible ding do.

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

Maybe he will toss a bomb.
But does he have enough aplomb?
Yes, he might just
And, on the spot
Blow the whole lot
Of us to dust.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

I'm not worried for myself. There is a saying in India that only great people die on their birthdays. The law of whole numbers.

 

LYUBOV'

There's no such saying, Mummy.

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

Amazing combination,
A family fête and this revisitation!

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Dass is vot I zay. And zey vere zo happy! On vot hangs the human happiness? On a tread tin tin it hangs, zat's how ve live!

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

(to Antonina Pavlovna)
What a darling little sieve!
More water, please, that's much too strong....
Yes, everything's dandy, then he comes along!

 

VERA

Ladies, ladies, it isn't funeral time yet. Everybody knew perfectly well that one day Barbashin would be back, and the fact that he is back a little early doesn't really make any difference. I'm certain he's forgotten all about it.
(The doorbell rings.)

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

You mustn't say that. I've been through this game....
Believe me, the jail term has but fanned the flame!
My dear Mr. Alex, it just isn't befitting—
Let's forget the sitting.
Holding still is a thing I can't face.
My bosom will heave and my pulse will race.
(Ryovshin comes in.)

 

RYOVSHIN

Yevghenia Vasilyevna and consort, and also Mr. Kuprikov, professional artist.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Wait a minute—he's come to see me.
(Troshcheykin goes out.)

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

(to Mrs. Vagaburtdov)
I undershtandt you zo goot! My heart is bleeding alzo.
Speaking between me und you, now I am kvite sure the child wass hiss....

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

There's absolutely no doubt!
But I'm glad a professional opinion bears me out.
(Aunt Zhenya and Uncle Paul enter. She is a buxom lady in a silk dress, and would be wearing a bonnet with ribbons if it were a half-century earlier. He wears his white hair in a crew cut and has a dashing mustache that he preens with a little brush. He is of pleasing appearance, but ga-ga.)

 

YEVGHENIA VASILYEVNA

Don't tell me it's all true! Did he actually run away from hard labor, and try to break in here last night?

 

VERA

That's ridiculous, Aunt Zhenya. Why do you listen to such clap-trap?

 

YEVGHENIA VASILYEVNA

Clap-trap my eye! Today Uncle Paul himself.... Here, let him tell you. He described it beautifully to me. You'll hear for yourself,
(to Antonina Pavlovna)
Happy birthday, Antonina, even though it's hardly a day for congratulations,
(to Lyubov', indicating Eleonora Shnap)
I'm not on speaking terms with that bitch. If I'd known, I wouldn't have come.... Paul, everybody is waiting.

 

UNCLE PAUL

The other day...

 

AUNT ZHENYA

No, no—today.

 

UNCLE PAUL

Today, as I was saying, quite unexpectedly, I suddenly saw a certain party coming out of a restaurant.

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

Out of a restaurant, you say?
So early in the day?
How much liquor had he put away?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Oh, Zhénichka, why do you spoil me like this? They're lovely! Lyubochka, just look at these handkerchiefs.

 

ELEONORA SHNAP

Ja. Zey vill be goot to cry into.

 

UNCLE PAUL

Making allowance for the brevity of my observation and the rapidity of the subject's motion, I affirm that I was in a sober state.

 

AUNT ZHENYA

No, not you ... him.

 

UNCLE PAUL

Very well, him.

 

VERA

Uncle Paul, you're imagining things. It's not a dangerous symptom, but it ought to be watched.

 

LYUBOV'

Anyway, all this isn't very interesting.... What may I give you? Would you like some cake first? Mama is going to read us her new fairy tale now.

 

UNCLE PAUL

This is my firm conviction, and it won't change even under threat of conviction.

 

AUNT ZHENYA

Go on, go on, Paul.... Now you're getting warmed up.

 

UNCLE PAUL

He was walking, I was walking. And the other day I saw a woman get hurt falling off a bicycle.

 

MRS. VAGABUNDOV

What disaster, what dismay!
It's time to leave, that's clear as day!
Every one, for heaven's sake!...
I think I'll have a little more cake.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA