Man From the USSR & Other Plays (18 page)

 

RYOVSHIN

Why are you being belligerent toward me again? My love.... I mean, my dear.... You know that I only—

 

LYUBOV'

I know that you only adore meddling in other people's business like a hick-town Sherlock Holmes.

 

RYOVSHIN

Come on, what are you saying?...

 

LYUBOV'

Then, swear that you didn't see him again.
(very loud noise of shattering glass. Troshcheykin runs in.)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

The mirror is broken! That rotten kid smashed the
mirror
with a ball!

 

LYUBOV'

Where? Which one?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

The one in the front hall. Go on, go on, take a look—it's a lovely sight.

 

LYUBOV'

I told you to send him right home after the sitting, so he wouldn't turn the place into a soccer field. Of course he goes crazy with those five balls around....
(goes out quickly)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

They say it's a terrible omen. I don't believe in omens, but for some reason, in my life they have always come true. How unpleasant.... Well, let's hear the news.

 

RYOVSHIN

Yes, I do have a little something for you. But I emphatically request that you not breathe a word to your wife. It'll only alarm her, especially since she considers the entire matter a personal affair of hers.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Okay, okay.... Out with it.

 

RYOVSHIN

Well—as soon as I left you I headed for his street and began my watch.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Did you see him? Did you speak with him?

 

RYOVSHIN

Wait. Let me proceed in orderly fashion.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

To hell with orderly fashion!

 

RYOVSHIN

An anarchist remark to say the least, but hold on for a minute anyway. Today you already ruined things with Vishnevski by that way of yours of going off half-cocked.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Oh, that—to hell with it. I'll make other arrangements.

 

RYOVSHIN

It was, as you know, close to ten. At exactly ten-thirty Arshinski enters the building—you know whom I mean?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

No wonder I saw him on the boulevard—that's where he must have been heading.

 

RYOVSHIN

I decided to wait in spite of the drizzle. Fifteen minutes go by, then thirty, then forty. “Well,” I say, “he probably won't come out until night.”

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

To whom?

 

RYOVSHIN

What do you mean to whom?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

To whom did you say that?

 

RYOVSHIN

Oh, there was a very sensible salesman there from one of the stores, and there was also a lady from the house next door standing with us. A couple of other people—I don't recall who they were. It's totally unimportant. In short, the consensus was that he had already been out for cigarettes in the morning, and probably would be going out very soon for lunch. At this point the weather improved somewhat....

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

I implore you—skip the descriptions of nature. Did you see him or not?

 

RYOVSHIN

I did. At eleven-forty he went out with Arshinski.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Aha!

 

RYOVSHIN

Dressed in a light-gray suit, shaven clean as a god, but with a ghastly expression: black eyes burning, a smirk on his lips, brows knit in a frown. He took leave of Arshinski at the corner and went into the restaurant. I saunter by, inconspicuously as it were, and what do I see? There he is sitting at a table by the window, jotting something down in a little notebook. At that moment his appetizer arrived and he got busy with that. Well, I realized I was a mortal too, and decided to go home and have lunch.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

So he looked glum?

 

RYOVSHIN

Glum as hell.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

If I were making the laws, an expression like that would be enough to drag somebody off to the police station, and pronto. Is that all?

 

RYOVSHIN

Patience. Before I had a chance to take five steps, a waiter from the restaurant overtakes me with a note. From him. Here it is. See, it's folded, and on the outside, in his hand, it says “To Mr. Ryovshin, personal.” Try and guess what it said.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Hurry up! Hand it over. There's no time for guessing.

 

RYOVSHIN

Come on, take a guess.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Give it to me, I tell you.

 

RYOVSHIN

You wouldn't have guessed anyway. Here.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

I don't understand.... There's nothing written here ... a blank piece of paper.

 

RYOVSHIN

That's the eerie part of it. That white paper is more terrifying than any threat. It virtually blinded me.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

He's not without talent, the scoundrel. Anyway, it must be preserved. Might come in handy as evidence. No, I can't go on living like this.... What time is it?

 

RYOVSHIN

Three-twenty-five.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

In half an hour that obnoxious Vagabundov woman will be here: you can imagine, can't you, how much I feel like painting portraits today? And this waiting.... I'm expecting %phone call tonight.... If the money doesn't come through, you'll have to go find me a straitjacket. What a horrible situation! I've taken advance payments all around, and there's not a red cent in the house! Can't you think of
something
?

 

RYOVSHIN

Well, maybe I can.... Actually I don't have any extra cash at the moment myself, but if worst came to worst I could get you enough for a ticket—for somewhere nearby, of course—and for a stay of, say, two weeks, but under the condition that you let Lyubov' Ivanovna go to my sister's place in the country. After that we'll see.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Oh, no, nothing doing. I can't go without her, you know that perfectly well. I'm like a little child. I'm totally incompetent, I botch everything.

 

RYOVSHIN

Can't help it—you'll just have to go ahead and botch. She'll be very happy there—my sister is first-rate, and I'll look in from time to time myself. Keep in mind, Alexey Maximovich, that when the target is divided into two parts, and those parts are in two different places, there's nothing left to shoot at.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Oh, I don't dispute that.... On the whole it seems like a good idea....Only Lyuba will balk at it.

 

RYOVSHIN

We'll convince her somehow. Just present it as your idea and not mine. It'll be more proper that way. We are now speaking as one gentleman to another, and I venture to assume that you are perfectly aware of the situation.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

We'll see, we'll see. Now tell me, sir: if I were really to leave tomorrow, should I perhaps wear makeup? I happen to have a beard and wig left over from our theatre group. What do you think?

 

RYOVSHIN

Why not? Go ahead, but just don't frighten the other passengers.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Yes, all this is somehow.... On the other hand, though, I think that since he has promised, he'll get it for me, right?

 

RYOVSHIN

Alexey Maximovich, how do
I
know how good your credit is?
(Lyubov'and Vera enter.)

 

VERA

(to Ryovshin)
Hello, Mr. Confidant.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Here, Lyuba, listen to what he has to say....
(digs into his pocket for the note)

 

RYOVSHIN

My friend, you agreed not to tell that risque joke to the ladies.

 

LYUBOV'

No, let's hear it immediately.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Oh, leave me alone, all of you!
(goes out)

 

LYUBOV'

(to Ryovshin)
Nice going!

 

RYOVSHIN

I swear to you, Lyubov' Ivanovna....

 

LYUBOV'

Here's what I'd like you to do for me. There's the most ungodly mess in the front hall. Look, I just cut my finger on some glass. Go see what you can do—you'll have to bring the other mirror from the bedroom. Marfa can't do it.

 

RYOVSHIN

With pleasure.

 

LYUBOV'

And then you'll keep an eye out so she doesn't shoo away some innocent guest whom she has mistaken for the person to whom you talked this afternoon.

 

RYOVSHIN

Lyubov' Ivanovna, I didn't talk to him, I swear to God.

 

LYUBOV'

And while you're at it, tell her to come and help me set the table for tea. They'll start arriving in a minute.

 

VERA

Please let me do it, Lyubochka. I adore doing it.

 

RYOVSHIN

You'll see—I'll be a regular Cerberus.
(goes out)

 

LYUBOV'

For some reason, every time I'm expecting guests, I think about how I've frittered away my life. No, better use the little ones.... So you were saying he has the same housekeeper as before?

 

VERA

Yes, he does. These?

 

LYUBOV'

They'll do fine. And how does Lisa know her?

 

VERA

She once recommended Lisa to the Stanislavskis, and I got Lisa from them. Well, when I came home from your house today, I found her in the middle of an animated conversation with the janitor. Barbashin this, Barbashin that—she couldn't stop babbling. Anyway, it seems he arrived yesterday without warning, about seven p.m., but everything was in perfect order, as the housekeeper had lived there all this time.

 

LYUBOV'

Yes, I remember the apartment well.

 

VERA

Last night he went out somewhere, and today he spent practically the whole day typing letters.

 

LYUBOV'

Vera, Vera, how trivial all this is. Why should I pay any attention to the prattle of two old gossips?

 

VERA

Still, you've got to admit it's interesting! And a little frightening.

 

LYUBOV'

Yes—a little frightening....
(Enter Marfa with the cake and Antonina Pavlovna with the fruit)

 

VERA

Suppose he's really planning something sinister? Oh, yes—there's something else: it seems he lost a lot of weight in prison, and the first thing he did was order pork chops and a bottle of champagne. I must say Lisa felt very sorry for you....About how many people are coming? Did I count right?

 

LYUBOV'

The Writer.... Aunt Zhenya and Uncle Paul.... Old Mrs. Nikoladze.... Meshaev....Ryovshin.... the four of us.... I think that's all. Let's set another glass, just in case.

 

VERA

For whom? Do you mean....

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Meshaev said his brother might be coming. Oh, Lyubúsha....

 

LYUBOV'

What?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

No, never mind. I thought this was one of the old little forks.
(Troshcheykin comes in.)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Thank heavens, at last people are beginning to wake up. Lyuba, Kuprikov just called, and implored us not to go out in the street. He'll be over in a moment. Apparently there's something new. He didn't want to tell me over the phone.

 

LYUBOV'

What a pity he's coming. I simply can't stand your colleagues. See, Vera—the extra glass came in handy. Put another one on the table, will you?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Yes, it seems people are finally beginning to understand the situation we are in. Well, I guess I'll fortify myself a little.

 

LYUBOV'

Leave the cake alone; don't be a boor. At least wait until the guests arrive, then you can stuff yourself on the sly.