Marionette (7 page)

After my session, I wandered aimlessly around the campus. It was still hot out, and I swore under my breath since I had to wear long sleeves. I was told the scars wouldn’t be too bad, but they were wrong. I really did bungle the job. Not only did I bungle the job, I left traces to advertise my failure. What was worse? Trying, or failing?

I needed air conditioning, so I headed back to my dorm room. I lay down on my bed, relishing some alone time. Minnie was still in class and Jenna and Karen were nowhere to be seen. Closing my eyes, I felt a wave of calm. Maybe I could get some sleep.

Insomnia became a part of my existence many years ago. I was lucky to get a few hours of sleep each night. Those who don’t suffer from insomnia have no idea what it’s like.

People say, “Oh, how awful.”

No shit, asshole!

My body aches all of the time. I feel like I have a constant fever. My hands are perpetually clammy. I’m cranky. Every task feels like a chore. My brain sputters and stalls when I’m searching for the right word. Even simple words elude me. I get confused easily. These are my good days. My bad…‌well you don’t want to know. Trust me.

A knock on the door interrupted my quiet time. Should I ignore it? I needed rest. Common sense never was my strong suit. I climbed out of bed and forced my exhausted legs to carry my weight to the door. A young man stood on the other side—‌an extremely timid-looking boy. A Broncos hat sat atop his head, and from the looks of it, the hat rarely left his head. I wondered if he slept in it. He seemed the kind of deranged fan who might wear the hat even at his own wedding, but he had kind eyes and a sympathetic smile.

“Hi…‌is A-Audrey here?” His voice, soft and pleasant, was surprising to me. A sensitive football fanatic? Did his football buddies make fun of him for not having a manly voice?

“Hello.” I paused and considered inviting him in, but I think that would have pushed him over the edge. “M-Audrey’s still in class. Can I help you with anything?” He probably thought I had a stutter. Maybe I should stop referring to Audrey as Minnie in my head.

“Uh…‌no. Well, can you tell her that I stopped by?” He stepped side to side like a child who was desperate to use the toilet. I wasn’t sure, but he seemed terrified of me. I wondered what Minnie had told her friends about me.

“Sure. What name shall I give?” I asked in an overly cheery voice. What the fuck? Was I turning into Minnie?

He smiled, and the muscles in his face relaxed. “Oh, that would probably help.” He chuckled, and then stuck his hand out to shake. “Tom.”

I shook his hand gently. “Nice to meet you, Tom. I’ll be sure to tell her.”

“Thanks.”

“See ya, Tom.” Again my cheery voice nauseated me. Did I have a goofy grin on my face as well?

He still held my hand. Color swarmed over his face, and he slowly let go of my hand. Turning, he then retreated down the hallway. As he walked, he stayed exactly in the middle of the hallway, and his head darted back and forth whenever he passed a door. Was he scared one of the doors would open and a girl would snatch him from this world entirely?

I shut the door, chuckling. When I turned around, I almost shit my pants. Karen stood there. One thing I was not prepared for about college life was the complete loss of privacy. I tried not to show my fear.

“I came in earlier, but it looked like you were asleep. Then, when I heard voices, I decided to come over.” She had a way of dragging out a hello.

She walked into the main part of the room and plopped down on the beanbag, sighing a sigh that begged me to ask what was wrong.

“Rough day?” I inquired.

“Yeah. I got so lost finding my two o’clock lab. Then, when I walked in, the teacher made a point of telling everyone he would not excuse tardiness. I tried to explain that I got lost. He told me to shut up. He actually said, ‘Shut it.’ Then he said there was no excuse. I might have to drop the class. I think he hates me.”

I laughed.
That
was her rough day.

“I guess it is kinda funny. How was your day?”

I shrugged. “Same shit, different day.”

“Ha! I knew you wouldn’t say much. I’m not going to give up, you know. You can try to brush me off, but we’ll become friends, Paige. I insist on it.”

Surprisingly, this didn’t put me off. In fact, I was starting to find her funny—‌in an annoying way. She did and said what she wanted. Except, she farted a lot. I cringed, thinking how much she would fart later on in life. Even Minnie was put off by her farting. Jenna didn’t care. In fact, the two of them had farting competitions. Jocks. Both had basketball scholarships.

“I wish you luck, Karen. Of course, I’m hoping that I win.” I smiled.

She almost fell out of the beanbag, laughing. “You see, that’s a start. You cracked a joke. There’s hope for you yet, Paige Alexander.”

I didn’t expect that reaction. And how had she learned my last name?

Minnie walked into the room, and Karen seemed relieved. Sure, she wanted to conquer me, and make me talk, but I don’t think she wanted to accomplish that all in one day.

“Hey, Audrey, how was your day?”

“Awesome,” she chirped. “I love college. All of the people running around and having fun.”

Awesome. A day of classes was “awesome.” What qualified as “super dooper awesome,” a trip to McDonald’s?

“And don’t forget all of the cute guys. There must be a million, and I’m determined to get a boyfriend this year.” Karen had declared this intention the first night I met her.

She eyeballed me, expecting me to say something, but I just shrugged. What was I missing?

“And, speaking of boys, one stopped by to see you, Audrey.” Karen raised her eyebrows at me.

“Oh!” I smacked my head. “Yes, a Tom stopped by.” It had only been a few minutes, but I had completely forgotten. You see, my brain stalls! At least Karen was on her toes. But she was boy-crazy. It would take a lot for her to forget a boy stopping by our room. It was a momentous occasion.

I grabbed some clothes from my closet and entered the bathroom to change. I could hear them talking through the door. Karen was telling Minnie about her embarrassing day.

When I exited the bathroom, Minnie whistled. “Wow, you look nice.”

I mumbled a thank you and tossed my dirty laundry onto a heap of clothes in the back of my closet. Sooner or later, I would have to venture to the basement to do my laundry. Or perhaps I should just buy new clothes. But wait, I had to pay for therapy.

“So do you have a hot date with a man tonight?” Karen teased.

“Nope. Do you?”

She stuck her tongue out at me. Karen has never had a boyfriend. I found this hard to believe. She was good-looking and funny. I thought a lot of guys would like to hang out with her. Maybe her farting turned people off. Did guys like a girl who farted more than them?

I snatched my car keys from my desk. “I’m heading out of town to see a friend. I’ll be back later this weekend.” I looked over my shoulder to spy Minnie and Karen exchange quizzical glances. I chuckled quietly after closing the door. They knew something was up, and it was killing them. I bet they would toss my room in search of answers. Go ahead, girls. You won’t find anything. I’ve had years of experience at hiding.

Chapter Eight

The drive down to Jess’s was uneventful. I drove like a demon—‌fast. The roads weren’t crowded though, so I didn’t get a chance to weave in and out of traffic at breakneck speed. I loved that rush, almost clipping someone’s bumper, cutting them off so I could get in front, using the emergency lane to pass stalled traffic. When other drivers flipped me the bird, I laughed. Like that was going to change my driving habits. Oooh—‌I’m scared! Screw off, jack off, and learn how not to drive like a grandma.

I arrived at the restaurant before Jess: typical Type A behavior. I was obsessed with time management. I didn’t like people waiting for me. Worse, I hated waiting for others, but since I always arrived ridiculously early, I spent a lot of time waiting; hence, I always carried a book with me. I had developed the habit years ago. Reading always gave me comfort. It was a way to get away from me. Just another way to escape, to disappear.

“Wow, I thought I was early.” Jess slid into the chair opposite.

“You are.” I glanced at my watch. “Ten minutes.” I noticed Jess wince when she saw the scar on my wrist, but she quickly plastered a smile on her face.

“I’m not sure I want to know how long you’ve been here.” She gestured to my novel:
Rebecca.
“Hopefully, you didn’t drive anyone off the road today trying to prove you’re Mario Andretti’s daughter instead of Mr. Alexander’s.”

“No reason to fret. Traffic was oh-so boring today. I didn’t get to cut off one single person. Pretty much a straight shot, and no weaving in and out.” I pouted.

“That’s a relief to the rest of us, but I’m sure it drove you batty.”

“Listen, smartass, it’s nice to see you.” I smiled.

“All right, truce. And it’s nice to see you too, sweetheart.”

Jess reached under the table and squeezed my hand. She was completely comfortable with showing affection in public; I wasn’t. I didn’t care what others thought. I cared whether or not they knew my parents. My mom once said that all homos needed a bullet in the head. And not as a joke. She didn’t deal in jokes, only in “facts,” like Mr. Gradgrind from Dickens’s
Hard Times
.

Damn, why didn’t I think of that last May! Instead of slitting my wrists, I could have said, “I’m gay!” and then just waited for the bullet. Of course it wouldn’t be that simple. Not with her.

“Did you order yet?” Jess’s voice brought me back to the present.

I shook my head. “I haven’t lost all of my manners yet. Besides, isn’t college supposed to refine me and not turn me into an uncouth slob?”

“Who knows, with you? You don’t actually follow the rules do you? And slob is your middle name.” She sipped her water in an exaggerated dignified manner—‌pinky finger out.

“You’re feeling spicy tonight. I like it.”

“I’ve had a good day. A very good day.” Jess glowed.

“Are you two ready to order?” The waitress flipped open her notebook and tapped her foot, waiting for me.

“Sure, I’ll have the fillet. Rare, please.”

“Make sure the cow is still mooing.” Jess teased. “I’ll have the chicken Caesar salad.”

The girl waddled off, and I turned my attention back to Jess. “So, are you going to share the juicy tidbits? Or do I have to force it out of you?”

“I got into the MBA program!” She could barely contain her excitement. She practically bounced in her chair.

“Congrats, Jessica.” I squeezed her leg under the table.

Jess was older than me and had finished college early when I was still finishing high school. I know. Gross. But it never felt that way. I’d never felt at ease with kids my own age. They were immature and they cared too much about the little things in life. I’d learned long ago that the little things didn’t matter. Surviving mattered.

We didn’t have sex for quite some time when we first started dating, and I kept the relationship pretty quiet. I still do. Not one person at my high school knew about Jess. I didn’t go to the prom or to any other dances. If I went to a football game or movies with friends, Jess stayed at home. Everyone teased me that I was a prude, but little did they know that I lived with Jess all through my senior year. My parents never cared to check on me. You have to care about someone to bother prying into their life. As long as I stayed out of my parents’ way, and out of jail, they didn’t bother keeping tabs on me. Oh, and I had to get good grades. That wasn’t hard for me. I wasn’t a rebel. For me, staying at Jess’s apartment wasn’t wrong. I wanted to be around someone who loved me, and it felt like a home to me. I don’t remember that feeling during my childhood.

I gazed into Jess’s emerald eyes. “So, you’re one step closer to conquering the business world. What should we do to celebrate?”

“I was hoping you would ask. There’s a Spanish movie I want to see at The Esquire.”

My face must have showed my distaste.

“Don’t start with me, missy,” she said, waggling a finger at me. “You chose the last movie, and I didn’t complain one bit.”

“Come on,
Basic Instinct
will be a classic. How can you not love that movie?”

“I’m just not into Hollywood films. Too predictable.” She pointed to my novel. “Now that book has suspense. And Mrs. Danvers is creepy.”

Jess had bought the book last week and mailed it to me.
That
was her idea of a care package. Enrichment for the mind, she calls it.

“Predictable. The ending of
Basic Instinct
threw me completely. Did she? Didn’t she?” I wiggled my head side to side for emphasis.

“That wasn’t all that suspenseful.
Rear Window
—‌now
that’s
a great thriller.” She pointed her fork at my face.

“What?” I threw my hands up. “Do you only like black and white films or foreign films? Is tonight’s Spanish flick a who-dunnit?”

“Nope. It’s a love story.”

“Love story!” Heads turned in our direction, and Jess giggled.

I whispered, “Oh, you’re going to pay for this one, Jessica McCrae.”

How did this amazing woman love me? She was going places in life. She had finished college in record speed, landed a great internship during her last year, and now she would be starting her MBA program next fall. She was educated, cultured, fun, witty, and intelligent. I looked down at my wrists.

“Uh-oh, you’re getting that faraway look again.” Jess snapped her fingers in my face and flashed me a confident smile. “You okay?”

I brushed my thoughts aside. “Me? Okay? Of course.” I let out a nervous chuckle. “Here comes our food. Now, time me.” I glanced at my watch. “I bet I can scarf all of my meal down, have time for dessert, and still make it to your cheesy movie.”

“You’ll get a bellyache. And I know you’ll get more sweets at the theater.”

“You can’t watch a movie without Junior Mints. It’s the law, Jess.” I tucked a napkin into my shirt. From the looks of the steak, it was bloody as hell.