Marriage of Convenience (29 page)

“Caroline, I can’t say we’ve been married for twenty years and so we shouldn’t throw ‘us’ away so easily. But I know you. Even if you originally agreed to marry me for some reason other than love at first sight, you wouldn’t have followed through if you didn’t feel we could make it. I can see where we can work on communication; I don’t think that’s unusual between couples. But I want to be a part of everything in your life, and I want you a part of mine. Elsy is not a part of anything. She has absolutely no bearing on our relationship. Can you accept that?”

Caroline had prepared for the anger—she was harboring some herself. Or had been until he took the wind out of her sail by offering such a reasonable explanation for Elsy’s presence in their home. And she believed him. If she hadn’t been so worked up over the course her day had taken, she might have come to the same conclusion on her own. She had no reason not to. No unexplained receipts. No missed dates. No mystery hang ups or hushed phone conversations. She had to believe that what she saw was the result of Elsy’s manipulations. After all, she was usually home first. Why would Malcolm invite her to their home when under normal circumstances she would have been the one to answer Elsy’s knock at the door?

They were both silent as the events of the day settled on them.

Caroline struggled with how she could convince him that she could, that she wanted to, recommit herself to their marriage, their partnership. Before she could string the words together, Malcolm said, “I understand why you didn’t tell me about Dollar Tree.” He held up his hand when she tried to speak. “I don’t agree with your decision. You may have felt embarrassed, like a failure, but partnerships are about sharing the ups and downs.” Caroline watched his chest expand as he took a deep breath. “To some extent I can even see your perspective about the baby. But I don’t even have the words to tell you how hurt I am. I want our child, and I should have had the opportunity to feel the joy you did when you found out.” Caroline sagged under his words, knowing he was right. She’d cheated the man she loved out of one of life’s most precious joys. “But what I can’t understand is why any of this would come back to Elsy. Why allow Elsy to have this control over us?”

“Elsy?”

“She told me, not in so many words, about Dollar Tree. Though it doesn’t seem her style, she apparently developed a connection to the company with the hope of getting me back. I guess it makes sense; I can’t believe this all happened in isolation. She even knew about the baby.”

“I hate that woman.”

“I know. But do we have anyone to blame but ourselves?”

Caroline took a deep breath. Enough. “OK, stop saying ‘we’ and ‘our.’ This is not your fault. It’s mine. Entirely mine. I made the decision to use Dollar Tree. I was unable to get over my own fears to talk about the baby. I read too much into tonight and didn’t bother to discuss it with you. I went to Hawthorne before coming to you.” Caroline felt the weight of her transgressions settle on her shoulders. But so long as Malcolm was in front of her, she would plead her case and beg for forgiveness. “I own all of that. I do. I’m so very sorry. I’ve spent so many years thinking about me, I forgot to think about you, about Sarah, about Gloria. But I want to fix it. I want to be better. I know I can be better.” She took Malcolm’s hands in hers and nearly wept anew when he didn’t pull away. “I want to be your friend, your partner, your wife.” She bent down and kissed his hands, his palms, his fingers. “Just tell me how to make it up to you.”

Malcolm leaned down and kissed the back of her head, nuzzling her hair. Caroline went still when she felt his touch, uncertain if it was an invitation for more contact or mere acceptance of her touch. But then he gently pulled away from her and stood.

“So what do we do now?” Caroline asked quietly, desperately afraid of the answer.

“I don’t know.” Malcolm simply looked at her. Compressing his lips, he shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “I think I should leave.”

Caroline watched him step into his jeans and walk toward the door.

“Where will you go? Please don’t leave.” Though she wasn’t sure she had a right to ask it, Caroline’s voice was pleading, urgently sorrowful.

“I love you. I’m pretty sure I have since we first met. But what’s happened here is important, and perhaps it’s happened for a reason. I need to think about this.” She heard the soft click of the door as he closed it gently behind him.

Malcolm closed the door gently behind him and leaned against the outside of it. He didn’t know what to think. What he did know was that the anger that had propelled him out of the hospital and away from his afternoon appointments had abated. And now only a deep sadness settled onto his chest. He knew marrying Caroline, marrying any woman after knowing her for less than a week, was a risk, but things had started well. Too well perhaps, he thought, pushing himself off the door.

Perhaps he shouldn’t have expected things to work. He’d gone to Gloria and Denzel because they were his friends, and they were the happiest couple he’d ever known. Surely they’d have the recipe for a successful relationship, even if the one they were asked to create had a number of complications and caveats attached. And until today he thought they’d pulled it off. Not just Gloria and Denzel, but all of them. He and Caroline included. They’d gone into the marriage with their eyes open. Understanding what was bringing them together and what they could potentially achieve once the union was created. But at no time had they discussed children. Not that he didn’t want children. He did. He’d love a houseful. But how was that possible when they couldn’t be honest and open with each other?

And they certainly hadn’t discussed business decisions that would threaten the life and wellbeing of each other or their unborn child. It seemed to him that if she valued him as family, she would have told him about Dollar Tree and the baby sooner. And he shouldn’t have had to seek her out to get the information. He should have been her first call. She wouldn’t even have had to call—she could have simply stopped in to his office, a few floors below the OBGYN and seen him.

He felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under him. He went to work thinking his marriage was good only to find out he was living with a complete stranger. Literally. There had been no violins or warning bells when he’d met Caroline. Okay, maybe a few violins, but certainly not the orchestra that should have been in full swing if his life was meant to be changed forever. But then, as a doctor, he’d learned a long time again that life often turned on a dime, and it was necessary to, on some cerebral level, prepare for anything.

Perhaps he was to blame to some degree. After all, he hadn’t in fact planned on a lot of what had happened in the past few weeks. She’d never brought up the issue of birth control, but neither had he. And he couldn’t say he’d have been overly interested in it if she had mentioned it. Not only because of the negative impact it had had on his sexual experience, but also because at the time the conversation would have had to have taken place. He was more interested in knowing who the woman was, and that included not having a condom between them. It seemed like a silly matter now that he was faced with trying to unravel the events of the last two months.

The pregnancy issue aside, he hadn’t questioned Caroline’s commitment to their marriage at all. Granted it was still in its infancy, and people might claim that they were still in the honeymoon period, but he didn’t think it was fair to use a jealous ex-girlfriend’s claims and common chatter as the basis for questioning his wife’s motives.

Besides, it seemed logical that she had some motive for agreeing to marry him. He had to assume she did because a young, healthy, wealthy, and beautiful woman could otherwise find a husband eventually, couldn’t she? And hadn’t the entire purpose of the marriage been so that he could satisfy his own motive? He’d wanted to make sure his father was the one to provide the seed money for the woman’s center. It wasn’t a selfish motive, and he’d been clear about it from the beginning, but it was a motive. He hadn’t approached Caroline out of love. But he wanted to now. He could now.

Could she reciprocate that feeling honestly? Was he willing to give her another chance to try? He’d have to seriously consider the circumstances under which that could happen.

“Hey, man, watch where you’re goin’! You tryin’ to get killed?” The question, hollered by the irate taxi driver, was followed by the blaring of a horn. Malcolm surfaced from his thoughts and stepped back onto the curb.

He didn’t remember leaving the apartment.

He’d walked east to the Metropolitan Museum on 5th Avenue. He supposed his feet had conspired with his subconscious to get him here. As a college student he’d sat on its stairs to clear his head before an exam. As a young resident he’d sat there before a particularly difficult surgical case. To him the stairs seemed like wide open arms welcoming the masses to the famous art housed inside, but also just waiting for company. He’d always found the people-watching and the comings and goings of the cars soothing. People just came and went. They had their own conversations, their own goals, their own paths. On the stairs he could disappear and meditate. He didn’t intrude on anyone, and no one approached him.

The stairs didn’t disappoint him this time either. Malcolm chose a spot in the mid-center. Cars bustled by, jostling for position in the early evening traffic. Families ran up and down the stairs, searching for stragglers and buying snacks from street vendors. Wrapping his clasped hands around his bent right knee, he leaned back. His right foot dangling above the ground, he tilted his head back. The grasp on his knee balanced him as he sank into his spine and lost reality again.

“I thought I might find you here.”

Malcolm opened his eyes at the sound of Denzel’s voice. “What are you doing here?” Malcolm looked at his watch. It was just passed 9:30. He’d been meditating for almost an hour.

“Shouldn’t you be at the ballet?”

“Shouldn’t you be headed home to spend time with your wife?” Denzel eyed his friend carefully.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.” Malcolm looked past him and watched a young family getting out a cab.

Denzel took a seat on the stairs beside him and watched the same family.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“Do what?” Malcolm asked.

“Stay married. Beat yourself up for not seeing what you think you should have seen. Drive yourself crazy with the ‘what ifs’ and ‘well maybes.’ It’s not your fault.”

“You speak as though you know what I’m going through.”

“Not exactly, but every relationship has its ups and downs. This is definitely a down.”

“You think?” Malcolm couldn’t keep the sarcasm from his voice. He shook his head, telling himself to calm down. Though Gloria and Denzel had introduced him to Caroline, this turn of events wasn’t their fault.

“Look, all I’m saying is that you can walk away from this. No one would blame you.”

“Just walk away? From my wife? Our child?” Malcolm’s voice, despite his previous admonishment to himself to remain calm and centered, rose, its tone incredulous. “That sounds like a great idea. Why don’t we all just walk away from our families, from life’s surprises? Surely everyone would be better off fending for themselves. Who needs commitment? Support? Love?”

“So you’re staying? I think that’s beautiful, man. I told Gloria you’d work it out. These things happen. I have no doubt there is a logical explanation for all this.” Denzel clapped Malcolm on the back. “Congratulations, Daddy.”

Malcolm stared at Denzel and saw the circle he’d just been led around. “Nice. You realize that’s just the beginning of the conversation, right? Beyond loving her, I need to be able to trust her.”

They sat in silence for a while. As darkness settled in, the crowd died down. Malcolm and Denzel were only two of a handful of dawdlers still lingering on the steps.

“When dad died and I went to hear the reading of the will, I had no idea what he’d decide to do with his things. We’d never really discussed it, and I never really had an interest in those things he’d always valued more than me and mom. And when old man Patton said that all I had to do was get married to get it all, I seriously thought he’d misread his own handwriting. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why dad would insist on that.”

He shook his head as though he still couldn’t believe the words. He remembered the day like it was yesterday instead of more than two months ago.

“But I think I get it now.”

He didn’t elaborate, and Denzel was forced to prompt him. “Well, don’t keep me waiting. Why’d he do it?”

“I think he wanted me—this marriage—to fail. I think he wanted to prove to me, albeit from the grave, that the distance in our family, the lack of support and love that existed between him and mom was inevitable in any relationship. This way he could show me he was never at fault. He was just doing what any man would do under similar circumstances. He wins.”

Voicing his thoughts seemed to give them life and meaning. He’d questioned his father’s motivations many times and even had the conversation with Caroline. Neither had really understood his father’s intent. He was sure his father was having the last laugh now though. He’d loved, he’d trusted, and he’d had it all thrown back in his face. And if he could, he was sure his father would point out that this had all happened in record time, no less. He could hear his father’s cackle around a swallow of Scotch and a puff of cigar smoke “At least your mother and I gave it a real try. Thirty goddamn years of hell, but we weren’t quitters.”

He didn’t want to continue his marriage to Caroline in order to spite or to prove something to his old man. Perhaps he owed it to his mother, a tireless believer in the good intentions of others, to give her, to give them, a chance. But he just wasn’t sure when he was going to be able to do it. He felt emotionally drained and mentally exhausted.

“So you let him win. Big deal. You still got the money. You have an amazing tribute to your mother. People get divorced all the time. Setting up shared custody will be easy with both of you in the City.”