Marriage of Convenience (30 page)

Again, not helpful.

“You’re back to being the defeatist. Wouldn’t I be disregarding everything my mother taught me if I simply walked away? My mother wanted nothing more than to be able to tell her side of things to someone who would listen. No one ever listened. I didn’t even listen until it was too late.”

“That’s bullshit. You listened too much, if you ask me. You lost a lot of childhood. And I’m not saying your mother wasn’t awesome. She was. I know that. You know that. But together your parents put you through some experiences that no child should have to endure. You have a chance here not to do that to your own.” Denzel had held up his hands in surrender as he spoke, but he brought them down to his knees as if to physically end his closing argument. “All I’m saying is that twice now you’ve talked yourself into staying and allowing for the possibility of a second chance. That’s admirable. I just think you need to determine under what circumstances you can live with accepting her explanation and being a family. You’ll do more damage in the long run if you change your mind later.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. And then Denzel said, “Now, that is the extent of any advice I can give. You know, after fifteen years of marriage, I do what my wife tells me to do, so I don’t have original thoughts of my own any more. So let’s get something to eat. I’m starving.” Denzel rubbed his stomach to emphasize his point. “You should eat, too.”

Malcolm’s stomach growled his reply. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

“All right, but I don’t want to talk about this unless I bring it up. And even then, just nod and smile. I need to work this out myself.”

Denzel nodded and smiled.

“Come on. There’s a bread and soup place on York. I don’t think I can handle anything else. And before you say anything, they serve chicken and dessert.” He turned north toward 83rd without waiting for a response.

****

Under other circumstances Denzel would have protested vociferously about his need for meat; he was a growing boy. He didn’t care how he was judged or what his breath smelled like in the morning. But he deferred and simply followed along. Because of the evening foot traffic, he was forced to walk behind Malcolm rather than beside him. He didn’t mind. He imagined his friend needed some time, and it gave him a chance to update Gloria. His fingers were working the keypad of his phone inside his pocket even as Malcolm opened the door to the restaurant.

They took seats in the wing chairs facing the front window. Denzel would have preferred the bar, but again he held his tongue. This vantage point would serve his purpose later. Malcolm ordered, and Denzel reluctantly chose the Roma. It promised chicken, tomatoes, and cheese on a thin French pancake. He would have preferred it chunky and on a plate with a side of potatoes. He told himself not to hold it against his friend—he was going through a rough time. If he had to eat a second dinner in order to be a good friend, well, he could suffer through it.

They sat in silence. Malcolm was staring through the large glass window and seemed to be watching the people pass on the sidewalk, but Denzel knew he was doing much more. Every so often he’d shake his head or lift and then drop his hand to his face. By the time their food came, he’d been still for so long, Denzel had to watch his chest for signs of life.

The waitress left the tray on the table between them, and they scooted their respective chairs closer to it. With his head bent over his bowl, Malcolm must have heard the front door chime, but Denzel knew he couldn’t see who entered. Malcolm couldn’t see Denzel wave the person off either. As he sat back in his chair, Denzel’s phone rang.

“Of course he’s upset. Aren’t you?” Denzel made no effort to make the conversation private. He knew his friend knew who was on the other line. Gloria was not one to play dumb or stay in the dark very long. She was working her side of this drama as much as he was his. Caroline’s tear-stained face may have been scrubbed bright before she left the apartment, but he had no doubt his wife had run her up one side and down the other before setting her on her mission.

“No, he doesn’t want to talk to you.” Denzel hadn’t asked Malcolm, but he was clearly grateful and smiled weakly in his friend’s direction to show his relief.

“Now? But we’re eating. All right, all right. Yes, love. See you.” Denzel disconnected and sat staring at his crepe. He couldn’t say he was terribly disappointed. He only wished his wife had called on time and saved him from ordering it. Better late than never, he supposed.

“We were at to the ballet when Caroline called. We can still make the second half if we’re in our seats before the end of intermission. Will you be okay? We’ll catch up after it’s over.” Denzel slid forward in his chair as he spoke.

“Sure,” Malcolm said. “No sense in destroying two marriages this evening.”

“Besides,” Denzel said, his eyes darting over Malcolm’s head, “there’s someone ready to take my place here.”

****

Malcolm caught the sheepish look on his friend’s face and knew without looking who would be taking his seat. He swallowed his last spoonful of soup and hoped he didn’t see it again soon.

“Snake,” he said as Denzel passed his chair.

“Donkey,” was the only response.

He should have known he was being set up. He closed his eyes and prepared for what he knew had to happen. His phone vibrated, and he took it out of his pocket, knowing that this set-up hadn’t been a one-man show. Sooner is always better than later. Never go to bed angry. We love you. Brunch tomorrow?

He wasn’t sure he’d ever eat again. His stomach was churning.

****

“May I sit?” Caroline stood beside his chair and hoped he wouldn’t refuse to see her. Her legs shook, and her hands trembled. She knew she must look a fright, but she’d been unconcerned with her appearance as she’d contemplated walking the streets to find him. Gloria had done her best to clean her up, if only to keep her captive long enough to share some of her thoughts. It wasn’t until she gotten a few second glances on the street that she’d stopped and looked at her reflection in a shop window. There hadn’t been a whole lot she could do, but she had pulled her hair back and wiped her face with a make-up remover cloth she’d tucked into a pocket long ago. Tears had come periodically, and there didn’t seem to be anything she could do about that. But she had managed to get her hands on some Kleenex to keep the overall effect under control.

She waited while he signaled the waitress. He ordered coffee and waved his hand toward Caroline as though to say “Order whatever you want.” She ordered water and a buttered croissant.

Malcolm scowled at her, but didn’t speak.

“Don’t frown. My mother gained thirty-four pounds with me. I have no doubt I’ll get an appetite soon.” Caroline smoothed her hands over her lap. She hadn’t intended to order anything. But Malcolm still hadn’t looked at her yet, and oddly, she felt comforted by that. He hadn’t pushed her away but hadn’t opened his arms either. She would be able to say what she needed to say without blubbering over both of them.

“I love you. And I don’t want to lose you.” Caroline said her words quietly, intently. She meant them. “I’ll admit that, like you, I had my own reason for accepting this arrangement.” She watched his face as she spoke. “I’ll also say yours was far less self-serving than mine, but I don’t think mine was entirely unpredictable.” She took a deep breath. “Nevertheless the way I pursued it was unnecessarily divisive and hurtful.” A tear slid down her cheek. She swiped at her cheek and nose in one motion. She’d made it this far, and if she could have a few more seconds of clarity she might finish. “I know you’re hurt, and all I can say is that I’m sorry.” She sniffed. “Please don’t read into my mistakes that there is someone else I’d rather have this child with. Nothing could be further from the truth.” Caroline dared to look at his face again. He was looking at hers this time. But his expression was stolid. She pushed on, not knowing if what she was saying was having any impact whatsoever. “When Gloria mentioned her idea, I thought what the hell? He’s gorgeous, intelligent, wealthy, healthy—who would make a better father? But given my own experience with my parents, I’ll admit I never saw you in that picture or even thought you’d want to be in that picture. We would be married, but we’d have separate lives. I was okay with that. ” Her face crumbled. Tears filled her eyes, and she blinked rapidly to keep them from taking over her face. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings or seem incapable of understanding how her thoughts hadn’t considered his. But she was determined to be honest. “Until we spent time together. And then I was overwhelmed with how I felt about you, what I really wanted, and not knowing if you wanted the same things. Then I found out about the baby. And I was thrilled.” She let out a small laugh and held her hand to her stomach. She closed her eyes as though she was having a private conversation with the baby.

“But I didn’t know how to tell you then. It seemed unfair to you because we hadn’t discussed it in advance. And I surely didn’t do anything to prevent it. I wanted to share it all with you, but I didn’t know how you’d react.” She looked at him pleadingly. “I know I was being a coward in not telling you, and letting you find out this way was horrible. I’m really sorry.” She blew her nose quietly. She stared at her hands in her lap.

“As for Dollar Tree … I was desperate, or thought I was. I was embarrassed, and I felt like a failure. Before you and the baby, the business was all I had. I mean, there’s Sarah and Gloria, but they have their own lives, their own families. The business was mine. And before you, no one ever offered to help, to stand by me, to be there, if I needed anything. Not since dad.” Caroline sniffled. “I know that doesn’t absolve me from putting you and the baby at risk, but if someone would have told me that I’d be married and pregnant in less than six months from the time I signed the papers, I would have laughed. And then not signed. But….” Her voice trailed off.

“I think regardless of what decision we make, we need to make one soon so that we can prepare for this change in our lives. I love you, and I want you to be in our child’s life whatever happens between us.” She looked at Malcolm and hoped he wouldn’t make her sit in silence too long. She’d known what she wanted to say, but wasn’t sure anything had come out right. She just knew she didn’t want to lose him.

****

Malcolm sat forward in his chair. She’d said so much and yet not enough. But there was a lot hanging in the balance, and he wasn’t sure he wanted or needed to address every issue. He pushed the plates and glasses on the table aside so there was literally nothing between them. His hands clasped together, then fell between his legs as he rested his elbows on his knees. He held Caroline’s gaze. The timbre of his voice was deep and low when he spoke.

“I’m not angry. I’m disappointed. I know we don’t have a traditional relationship, but before today I would have told anybody who asked that I thought we understood each other and that that went a long way.” Malcolm paused. He’d listened to her and had felt his resolve to stay silent melt away. He felt she was being open, and he knew he had to do the same, or they’d reach an impasse that would ultimately make any future together impossible.

“And you know I understand the impact our personal experiences have had on the choices we’ve made. But I need to know that in the future, our decisions are made with us in mind. Me, you, and our child. Not excused by our past, but justified by what’s best for our family. If we can agree to that, I can forget the rest.”

Caroline was nodding before he finished. When he stopped talking he sat back and waited for her. He’d put the ball in her court on purpose. He didn’t doubt her sincerity, but he wanted her to have an opportunity to take control. His breath caught, and he nearly reached out when she stood and pulled her coat tighter around herself. But instead of walking away, she slipped in front of him and onto his lap. She reached her arms around his neck and kissed her agreement. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer.

Malcolm reclined in the vinyl covered visitors’ chaise. He pulled the fleece blanket over his form and watched his wife and child across the room. Caroline had given birth without any complications. To Malcolm she had never been more beautiful. He knew they had a long way to go, but the last few months had been promising. And neither was ready to give up what anyone would call a perfect match. They understood they were human and bound to make mistakes. But they could address those times when they came. In the meantime, his beautiful wife lay sleeping with a little pink bundle on her chest. Meera woke frequently to nuzzle her mother, but had been relatively patient after making her initial entrance. Malcolm nestled down in his own makeshift bed and waited patiently for the next feeding when he could meet his wife and child again like it was the first time.

The End