Married for Christmas (Willow Park) (2 page)

“I know. I think you’ve done great.” Her chest still hurt at
the memory of his sweet wife of seven years, who’d died far too young in a car
accident.

For a couple of months after her death, Daniel had been a
wreck. She could barely stand the thought of how torn up he’d been at losing
his wife. She wasn’t entirely convinced he had healed the way he should
have—every once in a while, something he did or said would prompt a thread of
worry—but he was definitely better now than he’d been before, and he seemed to
have returned to his friendly, considerate, and articulate self.

That line of thought reminded her of her mission this
evening. She gulped down some water and tried to recall the details of her
plan. In an attempt to get closer to the relevant topic, she asked, “Have you
heard anything more from Micah?”

Daniel was already done with his food, so he put his plate
on the coffee table. “Yeah. He called again today. He said the pulpit committee
wants me, but the Session is still hesitating.”

Micah was Daniel’s brother, who still lived in Willow Park,
the town in the mountains of North Carolina where both Jessica and Daniel had
grown up. Micah had recently started again attending their hometown church, the
church where Daniel had spent the last month candidating to become the pastor.

 “It’s still because you’re not married?”

He gave a half-shrug. “Yeah. And because I’m young. But
Micah said, if I was married, my age wouldn’t be such a big deal. I guess I can
understand their concerns. It’s a traditional, old-fashioned church in a small
town. They worry about having a young pastor who isn’t married.” He gave a
rough sigh that was almost a groan. “I just don’t want to move to South Dakota.”

When his church had fallen apart, he’d had to go back on the
job market. Their particular Presbyterian denomination was small, though, so empty
pulpits weren’t easy to come by. He’d done a national search and was a finalist
at several churches. He’d gotten one offer from a church in South Dakota, but
was waiting to hear from Willow Park before he made his decision.

Jessica hated the thought of his moving all the way to South
Dakota. She hated the thought so much it made her want to cry. “I know. That
would be a rough transition,” she said, taking another bite without really
tasting it.

He exhaled deeply and dropped his head against the back the
couch. “Maybe I’m supposed to be in South Dakota, though. I thought it seemed
so clear, when Willow Park was looking exactly when I was available. I’ve
wanted to be the pastor of First Pres practically my whole life.”

“I know you have.” Jessica stifled a flutter of fond feeling
at the memory of him as a boy. His grandfather had been the pastor of First
Presbyterian Church in Willow Park. She remembered, after church on Sunday
afternoons, Daniel would get up behind the pulpit and pretend to preach to her
and all her friends. They’d all been awed that he knew so many Bible verses and
sounded as dignified as an adult.

“But that just means it’s not likely to happen,” Daniel
murmured, so softly he might have been talking to himself.

Jessica stiffened. “What is
that
supposed to mean?”

He gave a dry laugh, intentionally shrugging off any significance.
“Nothing. Just that my dreams don’t come true.”

It wasn’t hard to see why he’d say it, why he’d
think
it. He’d lost his wife. He’d lost his church here. He’d just about lost his
chance to pastor the church he’d always wanted. But the words still made her
chest clench. “Don’t say things like that. Maybe it’s not at all like you’d
planned, but it’s not like God wants you to be unhappy.”

He gave another huff of bitter amusement. “Well, he couldn’t
have designed it better if he’d been trying.”

It was just one of those things people said—thoughtless,
mostly ironic, not intended to be taken seriously. But Jessica was suddenly
afraid that Daniel
did
believe it. She stared at his tired, handsome
face—intelligence and self-deprecation visible in his expression. “Daniel?” she
asked, very softly.

He smiled at her, his natural look, and shook off whatever
he’d been brooding about the moment before. “I was joking. Just being stupid.
You know I don’t mean that.”

She was relieved he’d said it, although the thread of worry still
remained.

“Anyway,” Daniel continued, obviously reaching back toward a
more normal conversation, “Micah said they’re still discussing it. The
congregational vote isn’t until Sunday. Who knows what God has in mind?”

It was the right time. Exactly the opening she needed. She
might as well use it. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about that.” She took a long,
shaky breath and lost her courage before she could get out the rest of her
planned words. She set her plate down, even though she’d only eaten half of it.

“What do you mean?” He reached over to pick up her plate. 
“You done?”

“Yeah, go ahead.” She watched as he started to finish her
food and tried to remember what she needed to say.

“What did you mean?” Daniel prompted.

“I don’t know.” She couldn’t quite get to the marriage
proposal yet, so she stalled a little. “I was just thinking about what God
might have in mind. For me too, I mean.”

“About what?”

“About everything. You and I are kind of the same in some
ways. My dreams never come true either. I just feel like I’ve been in a holding
pattern. For years.” She hadn’t planned to approach the topic with that
opening, but she realized it was true—depressingly true. When she saw Daniel
was listening, was understanding, was genuinely interested, she went on. “I
want to get married and have kids. I always have. So I just keep waiting for it
to happen. And it hasn’t yet, so I feel like I haven’t really started life.”

“That’s not true. You’ve got a great job, great friends—when
you bother to hang out with them—you’re involved in the church, you’re more
committed to your mom than anyone I’ve ever—”

“I know. I know. I don’t mean my life sucks. It just feels
like I’m always waiting, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to do whatever
I need to do to get what I want out of life.” She wasn’t going to chicken out.
She was speaking the truth—the deepest truth of her heart—but she couldn’t get
what she wanted unless she had the courage to reach for it.

He lowered the bite he’d been about to take. “That’s good. I
keep telling you that you’d have better luck meeting men if you’d put yourself
in the position to meet them. If you stay at home all the time, then—”

“That’s not what I mean,” she interrupted, afraid the
conversation would turn away from where she needed it to go. “I’ve tried all
the dating sites and all the church singles groups, and none of them are going
to work for me. I don’t mean I’m chasing romance. I want a family. A stable
life.” Her voice broke as she added, “I want roots again, and I don’t feel like
I’ve had them forever.”

Daniel’s expression had sobered, and he set her plate on his
empty one. “You have family, Jessica.”

“I have my mom, but she...” There was no way she could
continue, and she turned her head to the side to hide the sudden surge of
emotion at the thought of her mom, who was declining every month, every week,
every day.

When she’d controlled herself again, she turned to meet
Daniel’s eyes. “I don’t want to be alone when she dies.”

“You’re not going to be alone.” He was dead serious now—as
serious as she was. That was one of the best things about Daniel. He didn’t try
to break every earnest conversation with a joke the way a lot of guys she knew
did. “How can you think everyone who loves you would desert you?”

“I don’t. I know my friends would be there. I know
you’d
be there. But I want more than that. I want roots. I want family. And I don’t
want to wait around hoping for some magical romance to happen to me so that I
can get it.”

He was thinking hard now. She could see it in the way his
forehead had wrinkled. “So what do you want to do?”

“I have an idea,” she made herself say, although the words
almost choked in her throat. “One that would help both of us. One that would
help both of us get our dreams.”

“What are you talking about?” He narrowed his eyes and
frowned. “What do
I
have to do with it?”

“Well, your dream is to be the pastor at Willow Park, right?
And the only thing standing in your way is that you’re not married.”

“Yeah.” He drew the word out slowly, his eyes searching her
face. “But I’m not anywhere close to being married. I’m not even dating anyone.
You know that.”

He hadn’t dated anyone since Lila died. He hadn’t made the
slightest gesture toward it. Jessica secretly suspected he’d erected an
emotional shrine to Lila in his heart, and nothing would ever bring it down.
She glanced back over to the photo of Lila, and it seemed to affirm her
conclusions.

That thought just depressed her, so she pushed it away as
she continued, “I know. But I have an idea about how we can both get our dreams.”

“If you’ve found someone to fix me up with, you know I’m not
ready to…” He trailed off, as if his mind had caught up with his words and he had
a glimmer of what she was about to suggest. He tensed up visibly.

“I want to move back to Willow Park too. If I have roots
anywhere, it’s there. And my mom’s there. It’s been so hard travelling every
weekend to see her. I don’t have time for anything but work and mom and
occasionally you. I can’t keep doing this indefinitely, and I don’t know how
long she’ll...”

She didn’t finish the thought, since he knew the backstory
as well as she did. Jessica poured every spare dollar she made into a good
nursing facility for her mother in Willow Park, since her mother had absolutely
refused to move out of the town.

Before the marriage idea, Jessica had been considering
moving back home, but financially it would be a stretch for her. Willow Park
was a small town, but it drew a lot of tourists and retirees because of the
mountain scenery and the historic downtown, so housing was more expensive than
the suburb where she lived now. Her job allowed her to live anywhere, but paying
her mother’s expenses and housing in Willow Park would be a strain on her bank
account.

Plus, she hadn’t wanted to leave Daniel.

“So, anyway,” she said, after clearing her throat. She
wasn’t looking at him now. “I was thinking there might be a solution for both of
us. You need a wife. I want to put down roots and have a family.”

“I’m not liking where this is going,” he said in a low,
gravelly voice.

She was in it now. No going back. And it wasn’t as
agonizingly embarrassing as she’d feared it would be. She remembered all of the
clear arguments she’d worked out and moved into them quickly.

“Just listen. Don’t overreact until you hear the whole
thing. We’ve been friends forever. We get along well. There’s no reason to
think we couldn’t get along as husband and wife. You’d have a wife, or at least
a fiancée, so the Session would be comfortable calling you as a pastor. And I
could move back to Willow Park and have the family I want.”

“You’ve got to be kidding, Jessica. This is absolutely
insane.”

“It’s not insane. It solves both of our problems. Why
shouldn’t we consider it?”

He was almost sputtering in his outrage, which was not the
reaction she’d been hoping for. Her head pounded with nerves, but she managed
to keep her hands from shaking.

“Because it’s not fair to you,” he burst out. “I’ve had a
real marriage, and I know I won’t be blessed that way again. But you’ve never
been married. You need to wait for the right man—someone you can really love,
someone who loves you more than anything.”

It hurt to hear him say that—reminded her of how, in the
twenty-eight years she’d been alive, no man had ever been in love with her. No
man had even been close.

While Lila had been alive, Jessica had been casual friends
with both of them, since they lived close and had come from the same hometown.
She hadn’t gotten close to Daniel, however, until last year, when he’d started
recovering from his grief and began spending more time with her. She’d allowed
herself to hope something deeper might develop between them. It never did. He’d
just never thought about her romantically at all. No man had.

She pushed the ache aside. It was an old one. Familar.

She said, “Well, I can tell you right now that the right man
for me isn’t here. He doesn’t appear to exist. Do you have any idea how long
it’s been since I’ve even been on a date?”

It had been an embarrassingly long time for her. Over three
years since she’d even been asked out.

“That’s because you don’t put yourself out there. You hide
away, never taking any risks, so no one is going to—”

“I don’t hide away,” she interrupted, indignation
overwhelming any self-consciousness. They weren’t in the habit of discussing
her love life, but his assumption that she could easily find a man if she just
went out looking made her furious. “I work. I go to church. I do errands. I’m
around for men to find me if they want. In all those dating sites and singles
groups, only the losers were ever interested in me. You can’t use this as an
excuse. There’s no sign of some mythical ‘right guy’ who’s going to appear out
of nowhere to sweep me away, and I’m not going to put my life on hold hoping
and praying he’ll appear. I told you I don’t want to live in waiting anymore. This
idea works well for me. It gets me what I want most—roots and a family. You
can’t use me as an excuse not to do it.”

His brow had wrinkled, but she could tell he was actually
thinking about it now. “I can use you as an excuse if I want.”

“Well, I’m not going to listen to any of those excuses.”

He was silent for a long time. Then he finally said softly, “I
believe in marriage, Jessica.”