Married for Christmas (Willow Park) (5 page)

Jessica let out a breath and refused to let such comments
bother her. She could well imagine the gossip prompted by her engagement to
Daniel. She could hear the conversations about how no one could believe Daniel
would choose plain old Jessica Cameron, after he’d had the sweetest, most
beautiful wife a man could want.

Gossip was inevitable in a small town. It was inevitable in
a church—just as in any other place where people gathered. They didn’t know the
whole story, so they would put the pieces together as best they could.

Daniel hadn’t chosen her because she was beautiful, sweet,
desirable, or even good wife-material.

He’d chosen her because she was convenient and he liked her.

And that was okay. This was still what she wanted. She
couldn’t have everything, but she could have a lot.

A knock on the door distracted her from her mental pep rally.

Kim went to answer, and she squealed when she opened the
door a few inches. “Hey! Get out of here!”

Jessica instinctively stepped toward the door. “Is it
Daniel?”

“No, it’s Micah.”

Kim said through the crack in the door, “Whatever you want
can wait until after the—”

Daniel’s brother was friendly and laidback, always with an
edge of laughter in his voice. “I’ve got something to give her. As long as
she’s decent, I don’t know why I can’t—”

“He can come in,” Jessica interrupted. “What does it
matter?”

Kim and Martha reluctantly stood aside to let him enter.
Micah was good-looking, about Daniel’s height but with darker hair and blue
eyes. He looked particularly handsome dressed in formal attire. He was just a
few months older than her, but he’d always been popular in school, which she
never was, so they’d never really been friends growing up. Unlike Daniel, he
hadn’t dropped by their house very often.

“You look great,” he said, looking slightly surprised.

“Thanks.” She couldn’t quite keep the irony from her tone.
“So do you. What did you have to give me?”

He held a small box that must be for her.

“Can we have a minute?” he asked, glancing over at Kim and
Martha, and then over at her mom.

It was quite clear from the other women’s faces that they
thought Daniel had made some sort of romantic gesture with this gift. Jessica
wasn’t a bit deceived on this matter, but she was still touched that he’d
thought about doing something nice for her.

Jessica gestured to Kim, who helped her mother out, and
Martha vacated the room too, still grumbling about how this wasn’t done. It
just
wasn’t
done.

“So what’s going on?” Jessica asked, when she and Micah were
left in the room alone.

“He wanted you to have this.”

She reached to take the little red box and carefully lifted
the lid. Inside was a delicate gold chain from which hung a small charm. In the
gold was engraved the image of a dog—one that looked a lot like Bear.

She burst into laughter , the pressure of emotion filling
her chest. “Where on earth did he find this?”

“He couldn’t find one he liked, so he had it custom-made.”

She swallowed a sharp breath and lifted the necklace with careful
fingers, as if it might break. “That was so sweet of him.”

“Can I tell him you think he’s
sweet
?” Micah asked, a
characteristic teasing note in his voice. “He’d just love to hear that.”

“No. Just tell him thank you.” She clasped the chain and
settled the charm at her throat. Then she suddenly felt thoughtless and
selfish, since she didn’t have a thing for Daniel.

When Micah just stood there, shifting from foot to foot, she
frowned. “Was there something else?”

“Are you sure about this?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” She blinked at him, trying to push past
the swell of affection for Daniel and focus on what Micah was saying.

“I mean about this.” He gestured vaguely around. “Are you
sure about it?”

 “The wedding you mean? The marriage? Why wouldn’t I be sure
about it?” The affection had transformed into an odd kind of anxiety—as if she
dreaded what Micah was about to say, although she had no idea what it was.

“I don’t know. It just seems kind of sudden.”

“I’ve known Daniel all my life. We’re not jumping into
things.”

Micah looked slightly uncomfortable, and he glanced away
from her. She’d never seen him so serious before. “Yeah. I know. I just didn’t
think it was romantic between you.”

“What’s your point, Micah? Just get it said.” She wished her
voice wasn’t quite so sharp, but she couldn’t help it. She felt defensive, like
she had to put up her guard against whatever he was about to tell her. “Do you
think I’m not good enough for him or something?”

“No,” he said, his eyes widening in surprise. “No, nothing
like that. I was actually worried for
you
. You know Daniel. If he has
something stuck in his head, he can’t let it go.”

She was confused now and increasingly upset, but she tried
to hide it behind casual irony. “He is kind of stubborn. I know that. But what
does that have to—”

“It’s more than stubborn.” He rubbed a hand through his
hair, mussing it completely. “I mean the way he gets something in his head
about the way things are supposed to be and then refuses to change his mind, no
matter what. You know how he got it in his mind where he was supposed to go to college
and, even when he didn’t get that scholarship he expected, he still wouldn’t
even think about going somewhere else. He could have gone to UNC for
practically nothing—they have a great program—but he wouldn’t even consider it.”

“I know all this. So what’s your point?” She was starting to
get a sense of his point, though, as Micah looked increasingly self-conscious.
“He felt called in a certain way. The same thing with pastoring this church.
He’s always believed God wants him here. That’s not a bad thing.”

“It is when he gets an idea he won’t let go of, even if it’s
wrong.”

Jessica clenched her fists at her side, realizing now what
Micah meant. Daniel had it in his mind that Lila was the wife always intended
for him, and he hadn’t let that go, even though she’d died. No one would ever
be able to take her place in his heart. “I see…”

“Do you? I don’t know if you do or not. I’m really sorry to
bring all this up, Jess. It’s awful timing, I know—but, even though he loves
you, I just don’t know if he’s ready to get married.”

That surprised Jessica, since she’d thought he’d guessed
that Daniel didn’t really love her. Kim was the only person she’d told about
their real arrangement, and Daniel hadn’t told anyone.

Micah continued, “I haven’t been able to sleep, thinking
about what you might be getting into. And pretty soon there won’t be an easy
way out.” Micah looked as earnest as she’d ever seen him. “You deserve better.”

She shook her head, liking this side of Micah but kind of
sick about what he’d just told her.

Even though she’d already known it.

“Thank you for thinking of me,” she said gently, keeping her
reaction out of her voice. “I understand what you’re saying, but you don’t need
to worry about it. Daniel and I understand each other. We have everything
worked out. I know what I’m getting into, and I promise you—this is what I
want.”

“You’re sure?” Micah’s blue eyes searched her face.

“I’m sure.”

“All right. You’ll be good for him. I just hope he’s good
for you too.”

A heavy knocking on the door interrupted her response. Then
Daniel’s voice sounded from outside. It was impossible not to recognize his
warm, resonant baritone.  “Micah? What are you doing in there?”

“Giving her the necklace. What do you think?”

 “It’s taking an absurdly long time.”

“I’m done.” He stepped over and kissed Jessica on the cheek.
“I’ll pray for you. Living with him, you’re going to need it.” The laughter was
back in his voice, and it made her feel a lot better, like things were normal
again.

Daniel said, “So get out of there. I need to talk to her
too.”

“No!” That was Kim, from outside the door. “No peeking
before the wedding.”

 “I need to talk to her for a minute. I’ll close my eyes if
I have to.”

 “It’s fine,” Jessica interrupted, walking with Micah to the
door. “He can come in. I’m not big on tradition anyway.”

It wasn’t true, but there was no use in getting hung up on
tradition for this particular wedding. Daniel wasn’t going to be blown away on
first seeing her walk down the aisle.

Micah left, and Jessica was standing in the middle of the
room when Daniel came in and shut the door.

He wore a black tux—no tails or bowtie, since it wasn’t a very
formal wedding—and he looked so handsome and sophisticated she couldn’t breathe
for a few seconds.

She couldn’t believe she was actually marrying him.

Pulling it together, since no good would come from swooning
over how gorgeous and masculine he looked, she asked, “So what’s up?”

He didn’t answer. He just stared at her with the strangest
look on his face.

“Daniel?” she prompted. Maybe he was feeling guilty or
uncomfortable and wanted to call the whole thing off.

She’d given up the little house she’d rented. She’d said all
her goodbyes in Charlotte. She’d packed up her entire life to move back here to
Willow Park. Into the manse. With Daniel.

If he was about to renege on their agreement now, she might
have to hit him.

“Daniel,” she repeated, her voice slightly sharp. “What’s
the matter?”

He shook his head, as if shaking away cobwebs. “You look
beautiful.”

“Oh.” She felt her skin warm at the compliment and what she
now saw was admiration in his eyes. Her dress was fairly simple—strapless with
delicate embroidery on the bodice and a full skirt without a train.

She shifted from foot to foot. “Well,” she said at last.
“You don’t have act so flabbergasted. I can occasionally look decent, you
know.”

“I know.” He smiled, appearing more like himself. “Aren’t
you cold?”

 “A little,” she admitted. Without thinking, she walked over
to a chair, where she’d thrown the flannel shirt she’d worn that morning. She
pulled it on over her dress and felt more like herself. “Is it going to snow,
do you think?”

It was steel gray outside, but no trace of even a stray
flake yet.

“That’s what they’re saying.” The corners of his mouth
turned up slightly. “The flannel is particularly attractive.”

She giggled at his dry tone and glanced down at herself.
“I’ll probably take it off before I walk down the aisle. Oh, and thank you for
this.” She put a hand over her necklace. “I love it.”

He smiled again, almost tenderly. “Good.”

“What did you want, anyway?”

“Is everything okay?”

“What do you mean? What did you want?”

“I just wanted to make sure you’re absolutely certain about
going through with this. We both take marriage seriously, and I don’t want you
to have acted spontaneously and then later regret it.”

She liked how seriously he was thinking of her feelings,
thinking of her future. “I’m not going to regret it. I know what I’m doing. I
want this.”

He looked at her a long time.

“Why are you so convinced I might regret it? What about you?
Are you sure yourself?”

“Of course. But I’ve been married to a woman I loved. I’ve
had that part of life. But you never had. Are you really all right with never
having it?”

For some reason, the words sliced through her chest.

She was happy about this marriage. Genuinely happy.

But she didn’t need the reminder that he wasn’t going
to—couldn’t ever—love her.

They cared about each other, though, and they got along well.
Most marriages throughout history had been built on far less of a foundation.

“This is what I want,” she said at last. “To keep nagging me
about it is to assume that I’m not capable of making an informed, reasoned
decision about my own life. I
am
capable. I
am
making this
decision. So you need to stop asking me about it.”

He looked like he was going argue, but then his face visibly
relaxed. “Right. You’re right. Sorry. I’m just used to taking care of people.”

“I know you are,” she replied, softening despite herself.
“But you don’t have to take care of me. We’re in this together.”

“Got it.”

“So we’re good?”

“We’re good.”

“All right then. So get out of here before Martha has
hysterics and stages an assault on the room.”

He laughed and left, and Jessica felt better about things.
They understood each other, and there was no reason they had to do things like
everyone else.

It didn’t matter that he didn’t love her.

At least he’d thought she looked pretty.

***

When she went out to have the
pre-ceremony pictures taken, Jessica suddenly realized this was real. It was
happening.

Her nervousness transformed into intense anxiety, which
transformed the world into a vague blur.

So she was in a blur as she posed for pictures.

And she was in a blur when they hustled her away as guests
started to arrive, filling the big, old sanctuary she loved.

And she was in a blur when she heard the music begin and got
into position in the narthex.

And she was in a blur as she started down the aisle behind
Kim, her fingers shaking as she gripped her bouquet of deep red amaryllis
blossoms and even more as everyone stood in response to her entrance.

And she was in a blur as the Scripture was read, and the
hymn was sung, and the homily was given by Daniel’s mentor and favorite professor
from seminary.

And she was in a blur as she repeated the traditional vows
back to Daniel and slid the ring onto his finger.

Even when he leaned forward to kiss her, she was in a blur.

She could barely even process how it felt.