Mastering Multiple Position Sex (42 page)

Seeking Help

After you have researched your future helper according to his or her level of intervention—educator, counselor, therapist, sex coach—education, and certification; you’ve looked at her or his recommendations from colleagues or the Better Business Bureau; and you’ve tapped into your gut feeling about who’s right for you, then you’re ready to enter into the professional relationship with these few simple steps.

1
. Create a “picture” of yourself in words. “I am a white, female, thirty-seven-year-old Wall Street stockbroker with male and female partners who is concerned because I can come with a vibrator but not with a person.”

2
. Make a grocery list of your concerns beyond the reason you’re seeking professional help. These might include when you can meet, the cost of appointments, how the therapist keeps notes, etc.

3
. Contact the provider by email or by telephone. A caring, attentive provider should give his or her clients two or three modes of contact, allowing the client to select a preferred method.

4
. Ask the provider about his or her education, certification, professional interests, and comfort level with your particular background and concerns. One way to check for an added level of legitimacy is to inquire about the provider’s university or hospital affiliations.
   It should go without saying that providers who do not share your sex, gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, or favorite movie can provide you with excellent treatment. Conversely, you might find someone who matches you on paper but who turns out to be a lousy therapist in person.

5
. Ask how he or she might approach your concern, the estimated duration of your treatment, and the length and frequency of your sessions.

6
. Ask the provider to describe the success he or she has had in treating the concerns you have with other clients under similar circumstances.

7
. Find out how the provider maintains his or her records. Various laws require some providers to keep detailed records of meetings with clients, while others have discretion to keep no notes or perhaps coded notes to protect your privacy.

8
. Be direct when asking about insurance or payment options. Because of the sensitive nature of what clients and providers discuss during visits, many professionals might not accept insurance, because insurance companies want notes containing more details than most clients feel comfortable releasing. Providers should be more than happy to provide you with a receipt, so that you can submit the claim to your insurance agency.

9
. If you feel good about all you’ve learned thus far, make an appointment for an intake session, which may run longer than a typical session and might incur a slightly higher fee.

10
. Arrive early for your appointment, so that you feel comfortable and unhurried. Most providers treat late-shows as time off from the appointment. (If you arrive thirty minutes late to a fifty-minute appointment, you will be charged for the full session even if you were in session for only twenty minutes.)

11
. Have a list of questions ready to go over (unless you decided to submit them earlier to the provider via email or by dropping them off).

12
. Be prepared to say up-front what you do and do not feel at ease with regarding the intake process. “You can ask me about my current relationship, but I would prefer that we not discuss my childhood at this time.”

13
. Listen to your provider. Do his or her words sound like they come from somebody who is focused on and listening to you? The feedback should come across as if it were composed specifically for you; there are no cookie cutter approaches to sex education, counseling, or therapy.

14
. Raise a question about closure. How do the two of you (or three, if you are with your partner) terminate the relationship, regardless of the reasons? If the therapist suggests six sessions and you feel content with the results after four sessions, how will you express that?

15
. Pay attention to the proposed action plan. How reasonable does it sound to you? Can you commit to the at-home assignments and the weekly appointments?

16
. Listen to your instincts. Does the advice appeal to you? Does it makes sense for
you
?

17
. Analyze your impressions of your first meeting. Was the therapist on time? Did you like him or her? Does the provider seem interested in helping you? Did you feel respected? Did you feel a bond of some sort? Did you sense brains and compassion? Did you feel “safe” during the questions? Did the therapist stay focused? Would you have liked to have continued the conversation?

18
. Know your availability over the next few weeks; some busy providers might not hold appointments open, waiting for you to call back and confirm.

19
. If you feel secure about the possibilities for personal growth with this individual, make and keep the next appointment.

20
. Move forward with the professional relationship knowing that one of the hardest things about sex counseling or therapy is that you might go in thinking that the concern was G when in fact it is C. Stay flexible and receptive and you stand to benefit a great deal.

If you need help maintaining or improving your relationship or sex life, seek qualified help sooner rather than later.

Encore

One winter in the late ’70s, when my parents took my brother and me to see the musical
Annie
, we remained in the theater long after the curtain closed and the aisles emptied. Seán, my kid brother, could not fathom that the story was over, believing that a final bow signified a second intermission. “They have to come back and open their Christmas presents,” he cried, as my parents’ coaxed him to let loose the armrests, leave his seat, and accompany us to our freezing Nova—sure enough, the last remaining car in the parking deck.

Considering that the bulk of this book is now resting in your left hand, it might seem as though you have reached the conclusion, but your journey, your mastery of multiple position sex, has just begun. The curtain hasn’t closed, there are numbers to sing, and you still have many presents to unwrap, joys to discover.

Experiment with the various positions in this book and make them your own. Try the indoor positions outside; adapt the vaginal positions for anal sex. Should you find yourself en route between two of your favorite positions, and your mouth grazes your lover’s body, stop to make oral sex part of the transition. Incorporate toys and play and laughter and fun into every sexual situation. Most importantly, talk about having ecstatic sex, to increase the likelihood that you will have ecstatic sex.

Lengthen your lovemaking by transitioning between three positions. Later, I would challenge you to merge several chapters and their transitions, like short musical arrangements, into your own sexual symphony. For example, you could exhaust yourselves with every athletic position in the
13th Movement
and then spend hours revisiting the unhurried pleasure that characterizes the
3rd Movement
. As your repertoire grows—by talking to and experimenting with your partner, reading erotica, watching adult movies, or speaking with a sex counselor—season your sex life with bold, mouthwatering spices, and turn a one-course meal into an eight-course feast.

So before I send you to bed—for more sex, I hope, but also for some necessary and restorative slumber—my final words of advice would be to enter every sexual relationship with open eyes, open minds, open hearts, and open souls.

Resources

For an up-to-the-minute list of my favorite online resources, vendors, and media that can help tailor this book to your tastes and desires, please visit my website at
www.ericmgarrison.com
. Click on the tab labeled “Resources,” and from there, I invite you to read and gather all the information that I would provide if we were sitting face-to-face in a private session!

If you would like to arrange for a private appointment, or if you represent a university, medical school, collegiate or professional athletic team, or other organization interested in having a guest sexologist speak at your institution, you can contact me through my website.

Acknowledgments

It is not only my Southern culture but also my pleasure to express my appreciation to the following people whose thoughts, experiences, and optimism made these pages and pictures possible.

My parents, Katie and Gary “RC” Garrison—two compassionate social workers, aunt and uncle, grandparents, and friends to many—have shown me forty years of unconditional love. Even when we were an ocean apart, they were always at my side, and no matter where I call home, they talk to me with openness and honesty.

My family became my inspiration and cheering squad: my brother, Seán, and my other brother, Larry Chalkley; my sister, Kathy; my niece and nephew, Skylar and Rucker; my aunts—Ann, Bobbie, Dale, Kay, June, Martha, and Phyllis; my great aunt Lorene; my two uncles named Robert; a gaggle of cousins to the nth degree—including the youthful musings of my second cousins, Corey Hines, and sexologist-to-be, Kelcie Palmer; and my relatives who have passed, but who continue to serve as my muses nonetheless. My great grandmother Rebecca—the first midwife in my life and the first person to make me laugh—is perhaps the creatrix of my method of mixing of sexuality and humor; when I entertain and educate college crowds and medical school classes, I hope that I can capture audiences’ attention as well as she could. My great grandmother’s sons and daughters—from my grandmother to the great aunts and great uncle who were the spirit and image of Southern hospitality—who fostered my love for life and service to others, as evident in this book and in my individual practice in New York. Were love water, I would have evolved into a fish long ago.

My teachers showed me that those who can—do, and those who can do better—teach. I am grateful to all my instructors, mentors, and role models: Gay Cutchin, Linda Hancock, Daphne Rankin, Betty Reppert, and Arnie Stolberg (Virginia Commonwealth University); Bill Garland, Robert Haney, John Lavach, and Roger Ries (College of William and Mary’s Graduate School of Education); Robert Francoeur, Ron Moglia, Gabe Moran, and Norman Scherzer (New York University’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development); Robert Hatcher (Emory University School of Medicine); the Baroness Chalker of Wallasey, Fatima Juarez, and Harrison Spencer (London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine); David Satcher; Bill Stayton; and Ruth Westheimer. To round out the list, Betty Dodson was a consummate friend, mentor, and sounding board for much of this book. Because of these people, I continue to grow as a master teacher, lifelong learner, and successful sexologist.

My talented friends, peers, students, and even roommates gave me copious amounts of advice, emotional backing, ideas, and suggestions at various stages of the book: Jeffrey Brady; Naeha Breeland; Donna Brown; Scott Butler; Judy and “Little” Larry Chalkley; classmates from Midlothian (Virginia) High School Class of ’87; Leeya Davis; Melanie Davis; Gina DiBartolomeo; Matt Evans; Anna Flattau; Yvonne Fulbright; Joan Garrity; Fred Hammond; Jeremy Hollister; Steven Houang; Paul Joannides; Amy Levine; Josh Levy; Kathleen Lord, Jerry Spiegel, and Emma Spiegel; Steve McAllister; Frank Nathan; Evelyn Resh and the caring staff of Canyon Ranch; Ian Rivers; Tracy Robin; Carlin Ross; Gina Rourke; Emily Russell and Shane MacElhiney; Lisa B. Schwartz; Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller; Matthew Taylor; Team Tapioca Skydiving; Leonore Tiefer; Jennifer Wieland; Dell Williams; Daniel Windsor; the folks at Fleshlight, Nomia, and Eve’s Garden; and all my colleagues in AASECT, ASET, Quad-S, and GASP (Gotham Alliance for Sexuality Professionals)—there is no Manhattan picnic more fun than GASP’s
Sex in the Park
. I also owe a lifetime of gratefulness to one of my dearest friends, Lori Stormer Giblin. I encourage every reader: Where possible, keep your friends through thick and thin, and reap a life of rewards for doing so.

The keepers of my health—Dee Singleton (Crunch) and Ramona Kistler and Matthew Schweizer (NYSC)—pushed me toward health during the demands of writing and editing. Many thanks to you three and to Dr. Glen Marin, whose expertise allowed me to overcome writers’ pneumonia—not at all akin to writers’ block.

For keeping me presentable, I must thank the two wonderful staffs at Mango Salon (Richmond, VA) and Truman’s Groomers (New York, NY).

The couples in these photos are kind and caring women and men, so tolerant of my on-set coaching. Michelangelo spent years on his back to create the Sistine Chapel’s grandeur, and to everyone’s good fortune—yours and mine—six magnificent models undertook the same supine posture to fashion this work of art. Brava! Bravo!