Maybe This Life (18 page)

Though Rick was surrounded by the usual crowd of barflies at The Tavern, he was lonely – his forsaken heart silently screaming for the woman who turned him away. He considered canceling his performance, but music was usually therapeutic for him, and he was hoping tonight would be no exception. But until nine o'clock rolled around, he figured he'd sit at the bar and have a couple whiskey sours to still his disquieted heart.

"Hey there, good-looking," a soft voice said, as a tender hand caressed the back of his neck.

"Gina," an unimpressed Rick replied.

"Where've ya been? We've missed you 'round here," commented The Tavern's head waitress.

"Mmm. Been here and there." He did not want to get into a conversation with her. Sulking was all that was on his mind.

Gina continued to rub the back of his neck, inching her fingers suggestively through his hair. Rick closed his eyes, enjoying the affection, longing for Lena. He did nothing to discourage the touching, so Gina pulled up a stool, practically sitting on his lap. Though Lena was in his heart, he couldn't deny that the touch of a woman felt good. The liquor filled him with that familiar warm sensation, while Gina's fondling fingers aroused other pleasant feelings.

"Wanna meet up after your set tonight?" Gina asked while moving one of her hands through his hair, the other, along the inseam of his jeans.

"Mmm," he responded with bedroom eyes, his thinking, a little fuzzy.

"Ricky," Jack's gruff voice woke him from his stupor. Gina stayed just where she was.

"Jack," Rick murmured.

"It's almost nine. You gonna set up?"

Rick came back to reality and jumped off his barstool. "Yup. Just got the guitar tonight, so it'll only take a minute." Rick grabbed a stool and brought it to the stage. After testing the sound and the mic, Rick called attention to The Tavern's regulars.

He'd promised them last time that he'd cover some popular numbers, so he started with a Matchbox Twenty song about needing someone, anyone, to cling to, when the chips were down. After finishing the first number, Rick followed with another MB20 song with a similar theme about one night stands. This one had him thinking about Gina and how one night couldn't hurt anything. It's not as if Lena exactly wanted him. He knew Gina was eager and Rick was definitely in need of a woman's tender touch. As he sang the lyrics, he saw Gina watching him. Rick realized it would mean much more than one night to her. She'd been attracted to him for a while now, and if he went home with her tonight, it would only cause her heartache. He finished the song and followed it with a sadder song about a girl with no self-esteem, and a boy who needed her to see just how much she was worth. But this particular Matchbox Twenty song was more than Rick could handle. He broke down mid-way, apologized for such a short performance, and bolted out of the bar, leaving his guitar behind. His only thought...fighting for Lena. Making her see how very much they were meant to be together.

"Rick," he heard her call after him.

Closing his eyes to gather himself, Rick turned slowly. "Gina, it's not a good time."

"But, I thought..."

"I'm sorry." Rick continued toward his bike and straddled it. "I'm sorry I led you on before, but...it's just not a good time."

Gina stood there seductively. "Okay, Ricky, maybe next time."

Faking a smile, he said, "Take it easy, Gina," then he took off on his bike and headed for Haledon.

It'd been one month since Lena had left the hospital, and two since he'd walked out of her room at her request. He couldn't take it any longer; her love was worth the fight. Even though it was Lena, herself, that he was fighting.

He rang the Giordano's doorbell, knowing, from a vain attempt to call her, that she'd been staying with them.

"Rick," Jules greeted him with her usual smile.

Rick sighed, "I need to see her, Jules."

"I know, Rick, but she doesn't...oh, hell, let's just try."

"Oh, Jules, you're terrific. Thank you so much." Grateful, Rick beamed.

"Let me just check on her, make sure she's...decent."

Rick felt his face warm beneath his skin.

"I mean, she does lay in bed all day. Let me just see if her hair's combed and...well, you know."

His stomach burned; it was now or never. Rick had to convince Lena that they were meant to be together...forever.

"Well," Jules frowned, walking down the stairs, "she looks great, but she isn't too keen on seeing you...I don't understand, you're such a nice guy. What did you do?"

"I don't know, I really don't."

Lucky for Rick, Jules seemed to be on his side; she gave him one of those pity smiles that screamed
oh poor poor chap.

Following Jules up the stairs, Rick braced himself for a less than warm welcome. Not understanding why she felt the way she did, he at least hoped she wouldn't throw anything at him when he walked through her door.

"Hey, you," he said with as much buoyancy as he could muster.

Her scowl evident, Rick noticed the frown never reached her eyes. Sadness did. "Hi."

"So, you're on bed rest?" Dammit, he could've started with something a little more intelligent.

A single nod, before she averted her eyes down, he knew what would follow; he'd be ignored. Needing to grab her attention, he shut the door hard behind him.

Lena's head snapped up, as he expected. "Why'd you do that? Leave it open."

Rick disregarded her request and moved toward her bed. Sitting on the edge, he patted her blanket-covered legs. "You feel skinny under there. You eating enough?"

"I don't get too hungry sitting in bed all day. Why are you here?" She sounded annoyed.

"Well, you need to eat, so..."

"Rick," she interrupted. "Why are you here? You need to leave. And open that door, I want my mother."

Rick closed his eyes and inhaled, exhaling only as he spoke. "Don't push me away, Lena. Don't tell me you don't want me, and don't deny this connection between us." His heart seemed to stop, as did his breathing, when Lena didn't respond.

Exhaling as he sighed, Rick's heart beat picked up, and he felt a fire raging beneath his chest. He wanted to scream. Shake the sense back into her. But that would only push her away even more. Taking a few breaths to retrieve some of that composure he used to have, he proceeded slowly. "Lena. I'm not asking you to jump right into anything," he lied, knowing damn well he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. "I'm just asking for a chance. We were meant to be together, Lena. Even if you don't know it yet, how
will
you, unless you give me a chance?"

"No. I won't." If Lena's eyes hadn't betrayed her, he'd almost believe she really didn't want him just by her stone-cold response.

"Why? Can you tell me that, at least?"

She leaned back on her pillow and closed her eyes. "I don't like how I feel when I'm with you."

The actual stabbing of a knife through his heart could not have cut any deeper than her words had. She disliked her own feelings when she was with him? How could that be? "You don't like...what exactly
do
you feel when we're together, Lena? Because until recently, you seemed to enjoy my company," asked a rather incensed Rick.

Unquestionably irritated by Rick's inquiry, Lena sighed, ignoring his request for an answer.

Now vexed to the point of needing to punch his fist through a wall, Rick stood from the bed and paced the room to bring his sudden fury down to a simmering flame. "Lena, work with me here. What do you feel? What am I doing that is causing you to be so...," he balled his fists in frustration, "...so...irrational."

"Irrational?" A heated Lena shot back. "I am not irrational...you..." Lena's hands went to her stomach, in a protective embrace. "Just leave."

"Lena."

"Leave."

"But..."

"Now."

Punctured and broken, Rick walked, shoulders slumped and heart sunk, out of Lena's room. Out of her house. And out of her life.

On his ride home, he stopped at some dive on Route 23. As cliché as it sounded, he needed to drown his heartache with a drink. Maybe two. When he walked in, Rick saw Jackie from work sitting at the bar. He gave her a bittersweet smile when she noticed him. Rick had liked Jackie. They'd met one day at work when he'd needed information about a customer. As Customer Service Supervisor, Jackie had provided Rick with the customer's details. After some light-hearted bantering, Jackie had asked him if he'd like to go with her to happy hour that evening. Unattached and lonely, Rick had accepted. They'd hit it off right away, and things had gone well, until Rick realized Jackie wanted more than just a date every weekend. She'd wanted a relationship. Rick had not. Still hoping that his long-lost Angelina would show up to ride him off into the sunset, Rick could not commit to anyone else.

He would have never guessed that when Angelina
did show up, she'd want nothing to do with him.

Putting the past behind him, he walked up to the bar and addressed Jackie. "Hey."

"Hey, Rick, how are ya?" Her smile expressed a loneliness that matched his own.

"Hi, Jackie. How are you?" Rick pointed to the stool next to hers.

"No, sit, it's all yours." Patting the stool, Jackie's smile reached her eyes.

"Gin and Tonic, please," Rick said to the bartender, before giving his attention to Jackie.

"I thought you were a Whisky Sour man?" she joked.

"Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta change the way you roll," Rick quipped.

"So, what brings you here tonight? You usually hang at The Tavern on Friday nights, don't you?"

"Needed another change." In a hurry to numb his stinging heart, Rick swallowed nearly half his Gin and Tonic in one gulp.

"You come here often?" Rick asked Jackie.

"Not too much. I'm friends with Luke." She pointed with her chin towards the bartender. "I like to hang around and talk with him."

"Aah, I see," Rick winked.

"No, nothing like that, just friends."

"Oh, well, that's cool."

"Need another?" Luke asked, noting Rick's empty glass.

"Yes, please," answered a now relaxed Rick.

"So." Jackie started. "You get together with that chick from P.R. yet?" Rick detected jealousy in Jackie's question.

"Nah." Rick attempted to keep his gloominess to himself. Jackie didn't need to know his real feelings.

"So the baby's not yours then?" Jackie asked.

"Nope." Rick downed his second glass; Luke immediately hit him with a third. Rick started feeling good.

"You're a friend of Jackie's?" Luke asked.

"Luke," Jackie chimed in, "this is Rick, the guy I dated last Summer."

"Oh, yeah, the one you only stopped talking about like a month ago?"

"Luke," Jackie snapped.

Barely paying attention, Rick found himself caught between momentary thoughts of Lena and the comfortable warmth radiating beneath his chest. His foggy thoughts were a nice diversion too. Suddenly though, he was all too aware that Jackie was sitting closer to him. He felt her arm rub against his, before her hand landed on his thigh. The gentle touch sent a pleasant sensation to his groin. When he turned to look at her, he knew exactly what her eyes were asking.

"I've only got my bike tonight," Rick answered to her silent inquiry.

"We can take my car, go to my place." The tremble in Jackie's voice did not go unnoticed.

Rick inhaled, closed his eyes and focused on the hand on his leg. "Okay," he rasped.

Arm in arm, they left the building...while Rick left his thoughts of Lena in the empty glass sitting on the bar.

Still irritated by Rick's visit tonight, Lena sulked, wishing he'd never showed up. He only ever brought bad memories anymore. Since she'd awaken from the coma, she'd remembered everything about her past life. At first, like her dreams, she thought her imagination had fabricated stories based on Nana's life, but the feelings were more personal...and familiar. Her dreams were not really dreams at all, but flashbacks, becoming more and more clear. She knew it now. With every fiber of her being, she now knew Rick had been right. They had lived before. But, unlike Rick's view of it, remembering her past life was not comforting. Just the opposite. It scared the hell out of her.  Her nightmares became daydreams, while she had been in the hospital. No longer did she need to be sleeping to fall back into her past. Overwhelming and heartbreaking, her past life haunted her. And every time Rick showed up, he'd trigger more horrific memories of a life she did not want to remember.

Including the darn murder Angelina had witnessed; Richard had been gone to war for about half a year when it happened. Angelina had been walking home from school when she heard a crack whisper through the air. Unphased, she continued walking home. Upon turning the corner, Angelina caught sight of a man. He was holding a gun. Beneath him, lay a man…who looked to be dead. Scared for her life, Angelina turned back and ran the other way, as fast as her thirteen year-old legs would allow her...but the man followed her. Out of breath and too tired to run anymore, Angelina turned another corner and slid into a tight alleyway. Her heart was beating so hard that she thought the man would be able to hear her, but she saw the man run straight past her, not noticing the little alley. Angelina crouched down against the building and cried. She cried for such a long time that the sun must have already set, because it was nearly dark. When she finally found the courage to step out of the alley and go back home, she took a different route, just in case the man was still looking for her. As soon as Angelina felt safe behind her own kitchen door, Agnes began her rampage, yelling and screaming at Angelina for coming home so late. Explaining to her mother what had happened after school did not do anything to cool Agnes' temper. It had only made things worse. Trouncing on her daughter once again, Agnes now blamed Angelina for the anticipated harm that would come to the Mancini family, dwelling on her the danger they were now all in because of Angelina's irresponsibility.

Taking her mother at her word, Angelina packed a knapsack filled with some essentials, and left home in the middle of the night. Unfortunately for her, a charismatic, older man had been the passenger seated next to her on the bus headed out of town. A man, who upon further inspection, only held the
appearance
of charisma. As Angelina later found out, the only thing striking about Timothy was his hand.

A piercing pain in her abdomen prompted Lena from her preoccupation with the tortuous memory. She feared something was terribly wrong.

"Mom. Mom," Lena screamed, swinging her legs off the bed, struggling to stand. She felt a gush between her legs. When she touched herself, she found her hand covered with blood. "Mommy, please., hurry," Lena cried.

"What, hon...oh my goodness. Sit back down, I'll call 911."

"Hurry, Mom, my baby." Lena fell to the bed, sobbing, afraid she was losing her son.

Her hyper-anxiety getting in the way of treatment, the nurses sedated Lena as soon as she was brought into the ER. After a few ultrasounds, the doctor called for an emergency C-section, so they rolled her into the operating room.

When Lena woke up, her baby was sleeping in Jules' arms. "Mom," Lena whispered sleepily.

"Sweetie." Jules brought the baby to her and placed him in his mother's arms.

"Sam...I'm your mommy," Lena said, as she kissed him tenderly on the forehead. The love that blossomed in her heart the moment she looked into her little boy's eyes was so overpowering, Lena thought she'd lose it. Never in her wildest dreams could she have imagined her heart's capacity large enough to love as much as she loved her little Sammy. Lena's heart expanded with consuming emotion.

"You named him Sam?" Jules asked.

With an expansive smile, Lena nodded.

"After great-grandpa Sam?"

"Of course. The way Grandpa Sam admired and treated Mimi, I want my son to be just like him. Respectful, noble, courteous...you know, someone to make his wife proud."

"Wife?" Jules laughed. "He's not even a whole hour old."

"Mom," Lena cried…real tears.

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I wasn't making fun, I just...I'm sorry." Jules sat on the bed by her daughter. "What's the matter, sweetheart?"

"Sam's gonna be alone. No father to love him and teach him..." So sad for her little boy, Lena couldn't hold back her sorrow.

"Lena, Sam has all your brothers and Daddy. He will be overwhelmed with all the
macho love
he's gonna get."

'Macho love'
coming out of her mother's mouth made Lena chuckle. "I guess you're right." She used the cuff of her sleeve to dry her eyes. "Thanks, Mom...Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Can I live with you and Daddy permanently?"

Jules didn't seem surprised. "Of course. You never need to go back into that apartment."

"Thanks." Sammy started to fuss and Lena got nervous. "Oh my gosh, Mom, what am I supposed to do?"

"Buzz the nurse. She can show you how to feed him. You still want to breastfeed, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay, buzz, buzz.," Jules instructed, while pointing at the bed remote.

************

Her twelve-week maternity allowance ending next Monday, Lena didn't think she'd be ready to leave three-month old Sammy to go back to work. Though excited to get back to the studio, her heart ached with the thought of leaving her baby boy for eight hours a day. A single mother needed to work though, Lena thought. At least she was fortunate to have her own mother caring for him during the day. Grateful, Lena realized that she couldn't have done this without her parents' physical and financial support.

Thinking about going back to work would have to wait. Lena wanted to enjoy the beautiful, late-April weather. A stroll through the neighborhood would be a much better alternative. Lena put Sammy into the old-fashioned brown carriage Jules saved from Christopher's babyhood and started down Belmont Avenue. She loved Haledon, her hometown all her life. Lena waved through the window to Mr. Reilly, the optician and then passed the Campus Sweet Shoppe. Visions of buying red Swedish fish popped into her mind. How she loved those sweet little fish that came packaged in a tiny brown bag. As she passed The Pork Store, The Haledon Spa and then Mr. C's Deli, she began missing her childhood. More than nostalgic, she became sad for it, fearing for her future. She had a child of her own now and that scared the heck out of her. Some fears, she knew, were prompted by Vince's abuse, but some of them, like involving herself in a real relationship with Rick, scared her for unknown reasons. Yes, his presence sparked nasty memories of a life she'd rather forget, but his absence effected a sad existence during
this
lifetime. But would it be fair to Sam to start a relationship with a man who was not his father?
Would it be fair to Sam to keep such a wonderful man
out
of his life,
was more like it.

Maybe she was wrong all this time. Maybe she had Rick all wrong. Maybe...if Rick could ever forgive her superfluous, illogical behavior, they actually could have a chance to be together. Finally.