Maybe This Life (11 page)

Clutching Rick's backside thrilled Lena just as much on the ride back as it did on the trip up Barret Road.  But Lena could not wrap her head around the whole past life theory.  It didn't make sense to her.  Sure, she felt a connection with Rick almost immediately, but she attributed that to chemistry, not reincarnation.  As a practicing Catholic, she had been taught that souls went to Heaven...or Hell.  They were not...recycled, for goodness sake.

Reincarnation was a difficult concept for her to fathom.  Especially after a lifetime of believing something totally different.  However, they had reached Rick's house before Lena could come up with a reasonable explanation in her mind about past lives and if they had actually existed.  She laughed to herself, wondering if anyone really had a definitive answer about that.

"So, what are you in the mood for?" Rick asked, while taking Lena's helmet and hanging it on the handlebar next to his.

"Um," Lena murmured, unsure as to what context Rick was talking.

He smirked. "Lunch, Lena.  What are you in the mood to eat...for lunch?"  He smiled.

A warm sensation filled Lena's cheeks.  Her hesitation to his question could have been misinterpreted, and she hoped he didn't assume she was thinking...sexually.  Oh, she was so embarrassed.

"I got it," Rick resumed, most likely realizing how uncomfortable she felt. "How 'bout I whip us up a pizza?"

"
Whip
us up a pizza? You just whip yourself up a pizza when the whim hits?"

It was Rick's turn to blush.  "Well, since we planned on you coming up here, I bought a bunch of different stuff for lunch...so, in case you didn't like something,...well, you get the picture," he trailed off.

"What else did you get?" Only out of curiosity did Lena ask, she was perfectly content with a whipped-up pizza.

"I got stuff to make subs and taco stuff and of course, I went to the bakery to get you a black and white cookie."

"You're funny."

"Well, what would you like...to eat?"

"Oh, pizza's good.  I'll help you make it."

"Great. It'll be fun."

He led her into the old farm-house kitchen and showed her the pantry.  After gathering all the ingredients, they met at the butcher-block counter in the center of the room and began preparing the pizza together.  After Rick pressed out the dough and spread the sauce, he stood behind Lena and put his hands on her shoulders.  She was slicing the mozzarella and slipped with the knife when he began massaging near her neck. Afraid he would notice that it was becoming increasingly impossible to slice the cheese, she slowed down the slicing.  A pleasant chill ran through her, while the sensation of the tender movements of his fingers caused her knees to go weak.  If she continued to use the knife, she was sure she'd slice a finger or two.  But she did not want him to stop.  It felt so...wonderful.

Rick must have noticed that she had stopped her culinary duties altogether, because, in the next moment, Rick reached around her and slowly removed the knife from her hand, placing it on the butcher-block.  Lena closed her eyes, aware where he was going with this.  Rick tenderly touched his lips to her neck, taking her hand and moving her to face him.  When she saw his gaze lower to her mouth, she subconsciously licked at her bottom lip.  He must have taken her subtle move as an invitation to kiss her, because in the next moment, he bent down and kissed her sweetly on the mouth.  He didn't linger, though, moving his lips from her mouth to her nose and then her forehead.  Without looking at her, he pulled her to his chest and gently stroked her hair with one hand, while pressing his palm against her lower back.

"I hope you didn't mind that," Rick whispered into her hair.

Lena assumed he was talking about kissing her.  "No," she whispered into his chest, happy that he did, indeed, kiss her…and breathless because he had.

After about a half-minute hug, Rick pulled away, just enough to look Lena in the eyes.  Taking her hands, he smiled at her.  "I know you want to get a grasp on ...your feelings about your break-up and all, I just...had an overwhelming," he closed his eyes briefly, "desire to kiss you."

Lena offered a smile back, unsure of how to respond.  She'd wanted the kiss.  Hoped for it.  But she also knew that diving head-first into another relationship would only put a Band-Aid over the wounds in her heart.  Lena needed to figure out why she had allowed herself to be treated so abusively by Vince.  Why she permitted another person to beat and belittle her was beyond her.  Jumping into a romance with Rick would mask her confusion and just delay the underlying reasons for Lena's low self-worth.

So instead of saying anything, she remained silent. Rick took her lead and digressed.

"We'd better finish up on this pizza, before we end up eating it for dinner instead of lunch," Rick resigned.

************

For the second time today, Rick started something he could not finish.  Or rather, Lena would not finish.  First, he'd made her uncomfortable by talking about their past lives.  Second, he had kissed her, knowing she wasn't ready. Damn him.  Moving too fast was certainly the quickest way to alienate her.  But he had wanted so badly to kiss her.  Standing there in his kitchen, smelling so sweet, Lena was too enticing for Rick to resist moving nearer to her.  And once near her, kissing her became inevitable.  She had not resisted, either.  Lena seemed to welcome his lips on hers.  Yet, even though she had probably felt a connection, intuited their undeniable love for each other, he knew it wouldn't be fair to her to add another complication in her already complicated life.  So he backed away, though it killed him to do so.

While the pizza browned in the oven, Rick and Lena drank iced tea on his front porch.

"So, Lena...now that you're...free to do as you please, will you be looking into the television production field again?"

Lena's eyes widened while a startled expression swept across her face.  "Oh, well, I hadn't really thought about that...why?"

"I know that your heart was in television production and...I also know it was what's his name," Rick still hated saying his name, "who kept you from it, so...I...uh, just assumed."

"Oh.  No.  I'm happy where I am."

"Really?" Rick couldn't truly believe Lena was happy as a PR Rep, when he knew she had studied to be in television.

"Yes, really," Lena intoned, clearly wanting to drop the subject.

Leaving not many permissible subjects to discuss, Lena made it difficult for Rick to talk about anything.

"Rick, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Rick said, happy to talk about anything.  Any topic was better than none at all.

"What makes you believe you've actually lived before?" Lena seemed to form her words slowly, as if not really ready to hear the answer.

Rick proceeded with caution.  "Well...my visions, for one.  As far back as when I was twelve, I can remember seeing things that...weren't really there," Rick paused, contemplating if he should divulge that it was Lena's former self that he'd envisioned. He decided against it. "People I knew, yet had never met."

Lena nodded, probably taking in what he had just said.

"Sporadically at first, then more frequently as I got older...and figured out how to actually...," he searched for a word, "
summon
a vision."

"Summon a vision?"

Rick nodded and laughed. "Yes. I figured out that every time I lit a cigarette...that smell...kinda took me back. To where, at first, I didn't know, but...it was always the same place.  Same people...familiar people,"  Rick smiled, thinking of a past vision of Angie.  "After a while, it just became...second nature.  If I wanted to slip back in time..." When Rick saw Lena's eyes growing larger by the second, he thought he'd better pull back a bit.  "I'd light up.  Anyway, enough about that, let's go check our pizza."

She smiled, as Rick's heart sank, an overwhelming feeling of despair coming over him.  If he was not careful, he would lose Lena.  Of this...he was certain.

"Hey, it came out pretty good," Lena announced, when Rick pulled the pizza out of the oven.

"And you had doubt?" he joked, as he placed it on the butcher block.

While the pizza settled, Rick poured more iced tea and set out the plates.  Lena grabbed the napkins and sat down at the small circular table positioned in the window-lined alcove just off Rick's kitchen.  Waiting for him to slice the pie, Lena thought how much she wanted to believe Rick's past-life proclamations.  It would be cool to know someone loved her so much, that they'd come searching for her through lifetimes.  But…if it was possible to be reincarnated, had Rick really come looking for her? Or was it just a fortunate coincidence?  Either way, did it matter?  He said he had searched for her and here they were.  Was it too soon to engage in another relationship?  Mixed emotions kept churning in her stomach over that question.

"Here you go, pizza a la us," Rick quipped, placing two slices in front of each of them.

"Ooh, thank you."  Lena lifted a piece to her lips and blew on it before taking a bite.

"You're welcome."

"It's really good," Lena announced.

"Again, you had doubt?" Another jest, before Rick took a bite himself.

Lena let out a chuckle, but her mind was really on Rick's visions.

Her preoccupation must have been apparent to Rick, because he gave her a look of suspicion, raising one of his eyebrows.  "What's on your mind?"

Lena took one long, deep breath.  "You mentioned your visions...and...you said you...knew me in...the past...," Lena tapered off, unsure of what she really wanted to know, but she continued looking Rick in the eye.  Her natural instinct being to avert her eyes, she didn't, knowing her need to
see
through to Rick's soul was paramount right now.

"Are you sure you want to discuss this?  I mean, are you ready to hear what I have to say?  I don't want you...running, before I get a chance to...capture your heart." Rick smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.  Lena could tell he was just as nervous as she.

After a moment's thought, Lena declared, "Yes, I'd like to hear this."  She put her pizza down, suddenly losing her appetite.

Rick put his pizza down, too, then rested his chin on his clasped hands. "You were the girl in my visions. I was twelve when I first saw you.  I remember the actual date, too.  It was October tenth, nineteen eighty-six...."

Lena felt the blood drain from her face, which is probably why Rick halted his soliloquy. "What?" he asked.

"That's my birthday." She felt the words form on her lips, but she didn't hear her voice come out.

"October tenth?"

"Yes, nineteen eighty-six."

Now his face paled, while his jaw dropped. He just stared at her.  "Lena," he said finally. "What time ....were you born?"

"Nine thirty-six...in the morning."

Sitting back against his chair, he sighed. "That. Is. The. Exact. Time."

"What?" a very bewildered Lena asked.

"Nine thirty-six am, the time I had my first vision.  I remember, because I had just looked at my watch.  So…" Rick was clearly thinking about something in particular. "Your entrance into your current life... triggered my visions.  Now see, I was
meant
to find you again, Lena," smiled a now proud Rick.

Lena was...frightened, to say the least.  Her innate feeling was to trust Rick.  He would not lie to her.  Deep down, she knew this.  But his theories, or his truths, according to him, shook the very foundations in which she'd anchored her own beliefs.  She was born from Heaven, a creation of God, lived one earthly life and died, returning to Heaven, with God's good grace.  Reincarnation did not fit into her cycle of life.

But...what about
her
dreams?  Were they visions of
her
past life?

"Rick...the girl in your visions...did she look like me?"

Shaking his head, he responded, "No, not really. There were similarities, but no, she did not look like you do now.  If that's what you're asking?"

Lena nodded, "Yeah, I was.  But, ok." Lena needed to know things now. "Then…how do you know... that I was her?"

"Good question," nodding, his chin still resting on his hands, Rick answered, now shaking his head back and forth.  "I didn't know...at first.  But…there was something about you.  Something that made me stop in my tracks."  He put his hands down and lightly tapped on the table.  "Outwardly, I saw no real resemblance at first.  That's not what stopped me.  It was this intensity I felt...when I walked by you.  Do you remember that day?"

Lena smiled.  Of course she remembered.

"You slammed your hand in your car door."

"Yes." Lena chuckled. "I do remember."

"Well, that's when I felt it. My intuition told me it was you."  Rick took a bite of his pizza.

"But you don't know for sure," Lena stated, more than asked, still afraid to accept this new realization.

"You need proof?" Disappointment set in Rick's eyes.

She let out a nervous sigh, her stomach doing its usual somersaults again.  "Yea.  I need proof."  To actually believe all this, yes, Lena did need proof...and how on Earth, does one prove reincarnation?

************

Rick wanted to be able to give her proof.  Something substantial, that would lock the truth in for her.  But he didn't think he could do that.  How? She'd think he was crazy.  Now was not the time to think about that though.  Across the table, Lena appeared green.

"Lena." Rick approached slowly. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Um...yea, just...I need to use your bathroom."

Simultaneously, they got up, and Rick led the way.

Through the closed door, he heard the unmistakable sound of Lena losing her lunch…what little she ate.  "Lena, can I get you anything?" he asked through the door.

"No," she eeked out. "Actually, do you have mouth wash?"

He chuckled to himself.  "Under the sink, sweetheart."

Obviously, the topic of reincarnation was too much for her. He'd rather drop the subject forever, than make her this uncomfortable.

When she finally opened the door, Rick was sitting on the floor with his back against the opposite wall.

"Were you listening?" Lena asked, aghast that he would do that.

Rick just grinned as he got up.  "No.  I was lost in my thoughts."

"Oh." Lena dropped her head.

"Hey.  We don't have to discuss this.  For all I know, I'm creating these images all on my own," he lied.

With her eyes still focused on the floor, Lena whispered softly, "I think I need to go."

Rick watched, as tears streamed down her cheek. "Lena." Rick turned her toward him, his hands, deliberately, on her shoulders. "I'm sorry. You asked. I would have never said anything. Please, don't cry." He pulled her to his chest and held her.

For two seconds.

"I need to go." Lena's eyes remained averted while she went to clear the table.

"Lena. Stop. Don't do that.  If you're not feeling well, just go.  Go 'head." He handed her purse to her.  "I can drive you, if you'd like."

"No, I'd rather be alone"

"Okay." Sadness overwhelmed him, as he walked her to her car and said good-bye.  The pressing pain in his chest increased as her car got further from his sight.  He'd lost her...before he'd even had a chance to love her.