Maybe This Life (13 page)

Lena was having a hard time falling asleep.  After she gave her statement at the station, she went home to her empty apartment and cried.  Luckily for her, Jules and Frank were understanding and assured her that they would be fine, as long as they knew
she
would be.  Lena refused their request that she stay in her old room, but she was now regretting that decision.  At least in her parents' presence, her thoughts were of
their
pain and remorse.  Here, alone... in the silence... all she could think about was the crashing of a relationship, that now could never be.

Yesterday had been a perfect beginning to an exciting new courtship.

Today would be the end.

Too cowardly to break the news about her pregnancy to Rick, Lena wrote him a letter instead. The words would come out jumbled anyway, if she were to tell him to his face.  And she didn't think she could look him in the eyes and tell him goodbye...forever.

Dear Rick,

I am so sorry that I am not telling you this face to face.  I wish I could be a stronger person and face my challenges like an adult, but I am not.  I try sometimes, but mostly, I fail.

Anyway, please find it in your heart to forgive me for telling you this way. I'm pregnant.  And it's Vince's...from that night he left me beaten in my own home.  I should have never let it get that far, I know.  But, I did and I have to live with it.  Yesterday was so wonderful, being with you.  The reason I left so abruptly was, that, while I was in your bathroom, I'd realized what had happened.  It all came back to me.  That night Vince busted in my apartment. All the upset stomachs I've been having.  I just knew.  And I just had to leave you, before you had to watch me cry...again.  Before you had to pick up the pieces of my shattered life.  You don't deserve that.  I'm not sure which way my life is going right now, but I know I cannot drag you into it.

If you truly believe in reincarnation, Rick, and you truly believe you've come back for me in this life, then, maybe in the next life, you can come look for me again.  I am so sorry.  I will miss you.

Love, Lena

She sealed the envelope, stamped it, and put it in her mailbox for the postman to pick up in the morning.  A call in sick to work was inevitable this week.  Avoiding Rick would be too difficult, she would have to let him adjust to the news and hope he'd be over it when she returned next week.

Lena didn't think she would ever get over Rick.  Like the moon pulls the tide, Lena had been drawn to Patrick Murphy from the beginning.  Her soul seemed to awaken from the moment she saw him in the parking lot. Eliminating that magnetic force from her life almost seemed dangerous.  As if she suddenly would...stop existing.  But she needed to take that risk.  How could she expect him to love a child that wasn't even his?  A child who she was finding difficult to believe was even hers.

Would Lena be able to love this baby? Maybe she'd resent him, memories of its conception weighing too much to turn the bitterness away.  If she could not predict her own feelings to this new child, how could she expect Rick to be okay with it?  And she would not hold the burden of his emotions as well as her own.

Lena had contemplated abortion...fleetingly.  That decision would only open up a new set of emotional concerns, and she knew herself well enough to know that abortion was not an option.  Her only option was to put Rick in her past...and raise her baby on her own... with the help of her family.

************

Lena hadn't been at work on Monday, so Rick figured she was still not feeling well.  Her phone had gone to voicemail, but still, Rick hadn't thought much about it.  Worry inched slowly from Rick's heart to his brain, but when her cubicle stood empty again on Tuesday, his worry turned to a deep concern.  Again, an animated message greeted his call to her.  Deciding on his way home from work to take a quick shower and head back down to Haledon, he was stopped short by the letter in his mailbox.  Her handwriting in black and white on the envelope caused a passing tremble in his hands.  The overwhelming grief that washed over him when he read the first few words burned through his chest like hot coals under his feet.  He dropped to his seat, blown by the words that followed.

He sat there unable to move.  The words, running into each other, as he read them over and over, until they were one big watery mess.  Was she really saying goodbye?  Did she really think he'd walk away from her when she needed him most? Even if she had no recollection of who Rick had been in her past, she should know enough about Rick in this lifetime to realize he'd
insist
on taking care of her. Hadn't he told her as much through his actions?  First, he flies off the handle at that ass of a boyfriend of hers when he spoke disparagingly to her in front of everyone.  Then, going on a hunch that she was in trouble, Rick shows up at her apartment, only to realize his intuition was correct.  He had held her for hours while she cried herself to sleep, yet now she doesn't want to drag him into her broken life?  Too late.  He's already there.  Can't she tell, all he wants to do is protect her and take care of her?  There was no way in Hell he'd let her walk away.  Lena needed him...and he needed her.  Mostly, he needed her to need him.  Not that he wanted her dependent on him.  Rick wanted her to need
him
as the missing piece in her life.  New baby or not...he would not let her get away.

His shower went forgotten.  After letting his sick stomach settle a second, he grabbed the keys off his counter and took off to rescue his distressed damsel.  He was going to see her through this.  Rick would not watch Lena suffer in martyrdom.  Not in this lifetime.

The echoing vibration of the doorbell ringing over and over caused the sensation of a vice forcing her temples together.  He wouldn't go away.  When the car door slammed, she went to the window and watched him stride up her walk.  A migraine, already setting up camp in her head, became inflamed by the continual chiming of the bell.

Why wouldn't he just leave?
Lena thought.  She'd mailed Rick the letter so she wouldn't have to talk to him face to face.  Now here he was, relentlessly ringing her doorbell and not getting the hint.  She did not want to talk with
anyone,
especially Rick.  How could she look him in the eye now that she had someone else's child inside of her?  It'd be emotionally impossible for her to endure it.  So badly did she want her relationship with Rick to get more serious, but now...she'd ruined that chance.  Lena wasn't about to withstand prolonging the inevitable – she could never be with Rick Murphy without feeling pangs of remorse for tainting their courtship before it'd even had a chance to begin.

The ringing stopped.  When Lena peered out the window she could not see him, but his Jeep could still be seen in the lot.  From her view at the window, she could not tell if he was sitting in his car or not.  But at least he'd stopped pressing the bell.

Lena collapsed onto the couch and cried knowing it would make her migraine worse, but she was unable to help herself.  In such a short amount of time, Rick had become such an important person in her life.  Now, he wouldn't even be a part of it.

The blaring of the sirens outside disrupted Lena's crying spell long enough for her to take a look out the window.  The cop cars were parked in front of her apartment – red and blue LEDs lighting up the dusk on Barbour Street.  Just then, her doorbell rang again…this time, with a handful of hard raps against the door.

"Ma'am. Open up if you can hear us.  It's the Haledon PD," a gruff voice commanded, causing Lena to tremble in fear.

Oh my goodness
, she thought.
What did I do? Maybe it's about Vince. Oh my God, what did he do?
Instead of opening the door for the officer, she was frozen in her thoughts.

"Ma'am," the officer demanded again, more forcefully. "If you can hear me, open up, otherwise, we're coming in, ma'am."

Holy Crow, they're coming in?
How?
Lena forced herself to move.  "Right there," she rasped. "I'll be right there." She tried again with a stronger voice. Wiping her eyes with her sleeve, she patted down her hair, tucked her bangs behind her ears, and descended the stairs to open the door.

"Miss Giordano?" the Haledon cop asked after Lena opened the door. "Are you all right, ma'am?"

Shocked, she could only nod. Her fragile stomach, now in knots, added to the nausea and the migraine that the pregnancy had already caused.

"We got a call that no one had heard from you in a few days.  We know you're Vince Battaglia's fiancée. He was let out on bail and we were worried that he...well..." The cop trailed off, probably unsure of what he should say.

Lena shook her head and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.  "No. I'm fine. I...haven't heard from Vince."

"Great."

"Who...who...who called you?" Lena wondered, apprehensively questioning the officer.

"A Mister..." He looked down at his notepad.

"I did," a voice, from the other side of the porch, announced.

Immediately whipping her head around, she gasped, "Rick?"

"Yes, Lena, me. I was worried about you, so I called the police."

"Miss Giordano," the cop interrupted, "if you're all right, we'll be on our way."

"Oh, yes...yes, of...of course...I'm fine. Um, you didn't like...alert my parents or anything...did you?"

"No, Miss, we came here first, just in case you were in trouble.  Well, take it easy and...answer your phone and your door once in a while, so you don't scare your friends."

Lena feigned a chuckle.  "Right, sorry."

"Why?" Incredulous, she questioned Rick once the officer took off.  "Why on Earth, would you call the police?"

With two long strides, he was inches from Lena. "Did you really think I wouldn't find a way to get to you? I've traveled an entire lifetime to find you.  You think someone else's baby is going to keep me away?" Rick peered deep into her eyes, so much so, it made Lena tingle just a bit.  Plus, it made her nervous to have him intruding into her soul, which she knew he was trying to do.  "Well, think again," he finished, vexed by her actions to exclude him from her life.

"Go home, Rick." She couldn't face him.  Turning to go back up the stairs, attempting in vain to close the door on him, he pushed it open and took her elbow. Guiding her in and shutting the door behind him, Rick pulled her into his arms and carried her up to her apartment.

"Put me down. I can walk." Her weak demand, unconvincing, he still cradled her in his arms. "Please, put me down," Lena commanded more forcefully this time, convincingly enough that he set her down once they reached her living room.

Once up on her own two feet, she stomped one of them. "How dare you call the police?  Every single one of them knows my father...and worse…" Frustrated, she squeezed her temples, the migraine letting her know it was still there in full force. "Vince's family is going to find out now." She gave a soft pound with her fist to the top of her old television set.  "Damn-it," she whispered aloud.

"I'm sorry," said a grinning Rick.

"What? Why are you smiling like that?"

"I'm not smiling," he said, smiling.

"This isn't funny, Rick.  You called the cops...because I wouldn't let you in." Her voice pitched an octave too high out of sheer frustration.

Toning down his grin, he moved forward. "I'm not laughing, sweetheart, not at all." He proceeded closer to Lena but she backed away. A frown instantly replaced his grin. Lena felt bad, but she really did not want him in her apartment.  Staying put where he was, Rick opened and closed his mouth a few times, as if to speak, before finally saying, "I was only smiling, because I liked your...pluckiness tonight...you've got spunk.  I haven't seen that before."

"Wait, what?  What does that have to do with anything? Uggh." Thwarted in her intention to avoid Rick, Lena threw her hands up in the air and plopped on the couch annoyed.  Flopping her head against its back, she stared at the ceiling.

Cautiously, Rick moved toward the couch to sit at the opposite end, obviously defeated in his own original intentions.  What they were, Lena wasn't sure yet.

"Lena." A noticeably guarded Rick proceeded slowly. "I received your letter this afternoon."

Lena remained attentive to the ceiling, as plain and white as it was.

"I'm sorry this has happened to you. You did not deserve what that man did to you. But I won't let you face this alone."

As hard as she tried to keep her focus off of Rick, Lena found it increasingly difficult. Why would he want to drag himself into her problems? What was in it for him? Motioning with her eyes first, Lena then turned to look at Rick.  "Why?" The soft question fell from her lips, along with a tear from her eye.

"Why won't I let you face this alone? Because I love you. Plain and simple."

"You...love me?  You haven't even known me...oh, yeah, that's right...you knew me in a
past
life," she mocked, hating herself for her sudden sarcasm.

"Yes, I did." Rick wasn't swayed, or if he was, he didn't appear to be. "But even so, you ever hear of love at first sight?"

"Hmmph." Such a child she was.

"You're not going through this alone, Lena.  Whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me.”