Maybe This Life (4 page)

Lena felt relief during the meeting when she’d realized the only questions the citizens of Alpine had were technical ones.  So about halfway through it, she’d relaxed and found herself captivated by Rick’s knowledge and the ease at which he spoke to the crowd.  Confident and composed, Rick emanated coolness.  Yes...he was…cool.  Lena laughed at her description of him.  Since when had she ever considered a guy cool?  This wasn’t some leather-clad 1950s biker or something like that, but Rick possessed such a positive air about him that she couldn’t think of a better word.  Well, maybe she could, but…cool came to mind first.

Back in the Wrangler, and more nervous than before,  Lena feared Rick would notice that, while they were in the meeting, she'd become even more fascinated by him.  Would she be able to hide her attraction?

“So...that was an interesting meeting,” Rick started.

“Yes.” Lena wanted so badly to say something intelligent, but words were failing her.

“Are you hungry?  Maybe we could grab some lunch before going back.”

“Oh. Uh.” This made Lena antsy.  Sure, it was just lunch, but what would Vince think if he found out.  He’d never understand that she and Rick were just co-workers.  He’d flip.  And besides, Lena's increasing infatuation with Rick would make it feel more like a date.  “Do you think Dan will mind?” She feigned being more worried about her boss than her fiancé.

“Heck no.  We always stop after one of these meetings.  I’ll call him and let him know.”

“Oh…okay…I guess.” Lena wanted to go to lunch with Rick.  She really did.  But she also knew that her attraction to him would only deepen.  And she wasn’t completely sure if spending more time with Rick would be the smartest thing to do.

Portobello’s Restaurant was teeming with executives working through lunch.  Yet even though the clientele were mostly professionals, Lena couldn’t help but feel as if she were on a date.  She had the butterflies in her stomach to thank for that.  Poor Rick.  Clueless to Lena’s growing crush on him, he probably thought she was some timid creature.  Well…in a way she was…but usually she’d have a bit more composure than the tangle of nerves she presented today.

“And for you, Miss?”  The waiter, interrupting Lena’s mulling, inquired about her menu choice. 

“Oh…I’m sorry.”  Lena hadn’t even focused on the words on the menu, she'd merely gazed at it.  “Um, I guess…I’ll have…” She glanced quickly at the menu, her eyes darting across it, but not settling on anything, so she opted for a safe standby. “I’ll just have the pasta.”

“Pasta?”  the waiter mocked.  “What
kind
of pasta?”  he quipped.  “We have about two dozen options.”

Lena felt the warmth in her face and knew she'd turned some shade of crimson, adding to her humiliation.  She grabbed on to her locket and fumbled with it near her face.  “Oh, uh…just a marinara sauce, please.”

The waiter abruptly took her menu and stormed away.

“I guess I made him mad.”  Lena, still fumbling with the locket, looked down at the table, afraid to meet Rick’s eyes.

“Well, he shouldn’t have gotten mad,” Rick replied. “It’s his job to be courteous.  He wasn’t doing his job.”

Lena shrugged a shoulder and twisted in her seat, unable to speak yet from all of her awkwardness.

Rick must have realized it, because he tilted his gorgeous head to one side and gave her one of those pitying smiles, “Lena, sweetheart, don’t worry about it.  You were fine.”

Sweetheart? Did he actually call her sweetheart?  Okay, Lena had to shake this off.  She was a twenty-five year old woman, not a fifteen year-old girl giddy with puppy love. “I know,” she answered. “I’m good…. So…I’ve never been here.” Her eyes slowly scanned the dining room.  “It’s nice.”

“It is.  We have a lot of our business lunches here, it’s just…the place to go, I guess.” Rick paused. “So, tell me about yourself.  Where’d ya go to school?”

“You mean college?”

“Okay.” Rick laughed.

Lena did too. “I went to Seton Hall.”

“Impressive.  Did you study PR?”

“Uh, no, not really.  I mean, I’d taken some PR classes, but…I studied Television and Film Production.”

“Wow.  Cool.”  Rick knitted his brow. “Why are you here, then?”

“You mean at cable?”

“Yes.”

“Um, not sure, really. It…” Lena shook her head. “It just didn’t work out…in television, I guess.”

Rick placed his fist under his chin and looked her right in the eyes, as if he were assessing something.  He looked like he wanted to say something, but then sat back in his chair.  “You’re young.   I’m sure it’ll all work out.”

She found his question puzzling, because Lena had the instinctual feeling that he had wanted to say something entirely different.  What
wasn’t
he saying?

"I’m not sure if I even want that anymore,” Lena answered quietly.

“Well, what do you want?”

“I’m happy where I am, I guess.”

“Really?  Because it doesn’t seem that way.”

What?  Why did he keep saying that?
“Why do you keep saying that?” Irritated, Lena’s voice rose in frustration.

Rick skewed up his face, looking baffled, and asked, “Keep saying what?”

Lena rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, then concentrated on fixing them on Rick’s.  “You keep saying that I’m not happy.  I
am
happy,”  Lena scowled.

Rick chuckled.  “You look it.”

Lena pursed her lips again.  This man infuriated her…when he wasn’t turning her on.  She repeatedly slid her locket from side to side across its chain.  “I’m fine.”  Her response, clipped and defensive, she was mad at herself for letting this man’s opinion bother her.

“I’m sure you are.” He smiled.  “Listen, Lena, my intention is
not
to anger you. I swear.”  Rick held up both his hands in surrender.  “You may find it hard to believe,” he continued, “but I’d really like to be your friend.” He reached for her hand across the table.

The fiery warmth of his hand on hers sent a current through her so intense, she felt her heart burning beneath her chest.  She felt the electricity.  Of course, the responsible thing for an engaged woman to do would be to pull away, but Lena found this simple task extremely difficult.  After a long couple of seconds, she slowly slid her hand from his and placed it on her lap.  His emerald eyes were potent magnets, gripping at her soul, as he stared intensely into her eyes.  Because of the impact his gaze had on her, she had to force herself to look away.  She opted instead to look at her water glass.  Fortunately, the waiter had broken the awkward silence by serving their meals.

“I like your heart,” Rick decided to say at the same moment Lena was putting a forkful of pasta in her mouth.

“Hmm?” Lena attempted to respond with as much couth as someone with a mouthful of food could muster.

“Your heart.” Rick pointed a finger at the spot just below her neck. “Your necklace.”

“Oh.” Lena cupped her hand around the locket again and slid it across the chain a few times.  “Thank you.”

“It looks old.”

"It is.” Lena continued on with her meal.

“Okay.” Rick seemed uncomfortable now. “I guess you’re still agitated with me.  Why don’t we just finish our lunch and get going?”

Lena felt bad now. She didn’t mean to alienate Rick; she just didn’t want to explain her perpetual sadness.  How could he tell she was unhappy anyway?  Usually so careful to hide her weariness, Lena couldn't understand how this beautiful, wondrous man could see right through her.  He caught a glimpse of her soul, and she wasn’t sure how to pull the shades down to keep him from peering in.

At home, Lena changed into her sweats and restlessly waited for Vince to come over.  She wondered if he would give her the ring back.  She kind of hoped he wouldn’t.  It'd make things so much easier if he were to break things off.  If he didn’t, then she’d be stuck with having to make that decision herself.  She'd also been afraid Vince would ask her about her day, and she’d have to divulge that she went to lunch with another man.  Vince would never understand that Rick was just a co-worker. Especially since Lena’s temperature raised a few degrees every time she was near Rick.  Sometimes just thinking about him made her feel warm all over.  Could Vince know this?  Lena sure hoped not; she couldn’t imagine what Vince would do if he realized she was attracted to another man.  Certain his stormy temper would take over, her body trembled with the thought.

All her worrying had been for naught.  Vince wasn’t concerned with Lena’s day, her thoughts,
or
the engagement. He showed up, handed her the ring, and began his yelling.

“Hurry up, Lena. I need you to drive,” he roared.  “I’m out of weed.”

His one concern this evening? The need to get more marijuana.  Unbelievable.  “Drive?  You want me to drive you to Paterson so you can buy drugs?” A flabbergasted Lena asked as she slipped the ring back on her finger, disappointed that she lost a convenient opportunity to end their engagement.

“Geez, Lena, you make it sound like a crime.”

“
It is a crime.
Last I checked, pot was still illegal,” she declared.  She did not like this.  She already disliked being around him while he smoked it, did she need to be part of the purchasing of it as well?  “I’m not comfortable with…”

“Shut it, Lena, and get in your car.”

“Vince, I don’t want to…”

“Get in,” he growled and then grabbing hold of her arm, shoved her against the car, opened the door and pushed her in.  “Here are your damn keys.” He threw them on her lap and got in on the passenger’s side.

This part of Paterson unfamiliar to Lena, her body shivered in fear. The steep hill they descended could have actually been the road that led to the gates of Hell.  As far as Lena was concerned, this
was
Hell.  At the very bottom of the hill were ‘The Projects.’  Not ‘The Projects’ that Vince took her to last time, filled with signs of family life – kids riding their bikes, mothers sitting on their front steps, and laundry hanging from the clothes lines.  No.  These ‘Projects’ held despair and hopelessness.  Young adults destitute of love.  Boys carrying guns and weapons.  Teenagers having sex in the alleys.  This was out of Lena’s comfort zone, and at this very moment she wished she could have stood up to Vince and demanded he go buy his drugs alone.

Vince had her stop at a group of guys who seemed to be expecting him.  One of them approached Vince, showed him a little Ziploc baggie, and with little communication and a simple exchange of goods, Vince’s drug interaction was complete.  Vince instructed Lena to make two right-hand turns, and they now ascended the street that brought them back to civilization.

Disgusted with herself for allowing her resolve to crumble and letting Vince to strong-arm her into his illegal jaunt, her heart squealed in pain. She knew right from wrong, and this was wrong.  Very wrong.  Though she found it difficult to say no to Vince, saying yes all the time was getting old.  She wanted to tell him no, damn-it.  She wanted to tell him to 'shove-it' sometimes.  What she wanted…was out of this relationship.

How could she not have seen it before?  Lena did not belong with Vince.  Not at all,…but how would she convey that to him?  He…he’d go insane when she showed up late to his house.  What would he do when she told him she wanted to break off their engagement?  He would fly off the handle.  He’d hurt her.  Of that, she was certain.  Darn, why couldn’t he have just kept the ring?  Why couldn’t she just not have taken it back?  It should have been so easy to say ‘you know what, Vince?  Keep it.’ But no, she took the ring back without saying a word, in true Lena fashion.  Being a coward would keep her stuck in this situation forever…unless she could find the strength to stand up to him.  She needed to find that strength.  Determined to find it, she made a promise to herself to do so.

Instead of agonizing over her recent revelation to become a stronger person, she decided to drop Vince at his car and go up to her apartment to sleep.  Too tired to think, too tired to breathe, she must have passed out immediately, because soon she had propelled into another nightmare – more unsettling, more violent than the others. 
A horrid man in a suit was striking her across the face repetitively.  In her arms, a baby. At her ankle, a toddler.  Another child, crying in the corner, was begging the man to stop hurting his mama. 

Lena knew she was dreaming and managed to force herself out of her nightmare.  Though just a dream, it felt so real.  Would this be her future with Vince?  Is this what she had waiting for her if she went through with the marriage? 

But the man? It wasn’t Vince.

Who was it? 

And why was she seeing him in her dreams?

After an entire night of chiding himself for coming on too strong with Lena, Rick found himself fretful and anxious on Tuesday morning.  He wanted to apologize once again for his offensive accusation that Lena was an unhappy soul.  Not that he’d said so in so many words, but he got the feeling that on some level, that’s what Lena had heard.

His heart ached for her, and he knew it should be utterly ridiculous for someone he just met to have that kind of effect on him, but he couldn’t help himself.  He’d been waiting for her all his life.  She may not have reciprocated his feelings, but he hoped in time she would.

Rick was busy filling out his monthly maintenance report, so he hadn’t seen Lena pass by his office, but the lingering scent of her perfume had revealed her presence.  He immediately set his work aside and rushed to the doorway.  There she stood, in Betty’s cubicle across the hall.  She was stunning.  And as he took in all of her five-foot beauty through Betty’s plexi-glass walls, he observed her in slow motion, as if he were watching her on film.  He breathed in the fragrance that still wafted in the air, while he watched her converse with his co-worker.  Lena’s eyelashes were like little butterflies batting at her cheekbones every time she laughed; the sound of her sweet voice resonating as music to his ears.

In the midst of Rick’s reveling, Lena turned and caught him staring.  He didn’t look away.  He
wouldn’t
look away.  Her eyes met his, and for a few brief moments they spoke without saying a word.  His soul spoke of a love eternal, while hers communicated a love unknown.  He could read it on her face.  She’d remembered him.  For one short instant, he saw recognition in her eyes.

Now if he could only help her to hold on to that discovery.

************

Her breath caught the moment her eyes met with his.  For a fraction of a second, she saw a man so familiar that a flicker of a memory flitted through her mind.  But just as sudden as it came into view, it had disappeared.  Although her glimmer of something unexplained had lasted for one fleeting moment, its impact was powerful.  She could not tear her gaze from the man that stood across the hall.  She'd just met Rick Murphy; she couldn’t have known him before.  Her imagination.  It had to be.  Her mind did have a habit of playing tricks on her.  But why was his gaze so intense?  And why was her heart beating so fast?

“Lena.”  Prompted from the magnetic force of Rick’s emerald-green eyes by his velvety-smooth voice, Lena heard Rick say, “When you’re finished with Betty, would you mind seeing me in my office?”

“Uh. Uh-hum.”  Her throat needed clearing from her recent flash of paralysis.

While Betty recounted the customer complaint that Lena had inquired about before the sight of Rick Murphy had taken her breath away, Lena tried fruitlessly to recapture the image she held for a mere twinkling.  What did Rick have to do with her unexplained whisper of a memory?  And how was he able to arouse in her such excitement?  Her insides were jumbled and jumpy.  He intrigued her, yet he frightened her.  Rick Murphy brought to the surface, an awareness that, in Lena, lay dormant for many years.  Possibly a lifetime.

A virtual stranger, Rick Murphy was no one to Lena Giordano.  So why did she have the glaring suspicion that she’d met him before?

Rick had been seated at his desk when Lena reluctantly walked into his office.  Steeling herself for whatever he needed from her, she stood rigid and uncomfortable, feeling the fool when her entrance caused him to snicker.

“Lena.” His smile held a slight laugh, but he actually stood from his seat to welcome her in.  Who did that anymore?  “I wanted to give you the technical forms for Alpine,” he continued.  “They’re complete and ready to be submitted to the OCTV.”

The OCTV?  The Office of Cable Television?
That’s
all he wanted?  After that seemingly significant moment they shared from across the hall, all he wanted was to give her a flippin’ technical form?  “Oh.  Um.  Ok. Thank you.” A chagrined Lena hastily took the forms from Rick, only to have them slip from her hand, scattering them across the floor.  Scuttling down to gather the paper, Lena and Rick collided.  Thunder bolted and lightning struck when Rick’s hand brushed Lena’s, and he left it there.  Her gaze caught his, and her blood pulsed strong, rushing through her veins when he stared into her eyes. “Lena,” he rasped.

Her breath, an involuntary inhale.  Their gaze,... frozen. 

“Lena.” He attempted a stronger proclamation this time.  “Would you…like to get a slice of pizza with me for lunch…today?”

Another breath caught in Lena’s throat.  Oh my goodness.  Yes.  She’d love to.  But…she couldn’t.  “Um…I…uh…no, thank you.  I’m sorry," she regretfully declined.

And just like that, he stood from his crouched position, leaving her momentarily slinking beneath him.

“Okay.”  He held out a hand to help her up.  “Maybe some other time.”

“Sure.”  She swung around and left his office, taking a moment in the hall to gauge what had just happened.

What was it about Rick that made her whole world turn upside down?  The potency behind his gaze served as a strong poison to a girl engaged to someone else.  Though never particularly satisfied with Vince in her life, she had made the commitment, and until recently, was set to honor it.  But now…how could she…when all she could think about was Rick Murphy?