Memoirs of a Muppets Writer: (You mean somebody actually writes that stuff?) (24 page)

The place was small, dark and extremely cozy. The tables were placed close together. The crowd was very friendly and informal, especially for Brits.

It didn’t take long before Richard became an informal master of ceremonies and turned the entire place into a party. Richard, without the encumbrances of a puppet, loved to entertain. And he was really “on” that night.

Richard did his John Travolta,
Saturday Night Fever
disco impression. He did his Robert De Niro
Taxi Driver
(Are you talking to me?). He led a sing-a-long of English music hall songs in a cockney accent. I vaguely remember several patrons dancing on tables at this point.

Throughout the evening a young couple, right out of Hollywood central casting, were seated next to us. He was handsome. She was very pretty. Of course, Richard immediately included them in his lunacy, dancing with her and turning him into a straight man.

At the end of the evening, as we were leaving, the couple took Richard aside. Surprisingly, they told him the reason they had gone out to dinner that night was to discuss the terms of
their divorce.
However, they had had such a wonderful time together with Richard that they had decided to reconcile. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if their first born son was called, “Richard”.

Chapter 43

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street

I
n 1978, I returned to New York from London for personal reasons: My father had died in late 1975 and, as an only child, it was difficult to deal with the details and take care of my mother from London. The Muppets were gracious enough to let me continue to write for the show from New York.

One day in July 1978, I ran into Jon Stone on Lexington Avenue. Jon had just gotten the go-ahead to produce a
Sesame Street
Christmas Special, and asked me to co-write it with him. I agreed and a deal was made.

The show was eventually called,
Christmas Eve on Sesame Street.
The premise was beautifully simple, as most good premises are. Question: How does big, fat Santa,
with
his big bag of toys, get down those skinny, little chimneys?

Just to add a little anxiety to the mix, we had Oscar pose the question to Big Bird. When Big Bird replies he doesn’t know, Oscar tells him,
Well, you’d better find out. Because if you don’t, there’ll be no you-know-whats under the tree on Christmas morning. Heh! Heh! Heh!

Since Jon hated going to the office, we wrote the script in Jon’s 42
^nd
floor penthouse on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It’s a little disconcerting going crosstown in the middle of the torrid New York summer and thinking about Santa Claus and Christmas carols. We took our breaks on Jon’s terrace, checking out the sunbathing women on the roofs below with Jon’s telescope.

I had experienced a little of this in advertising because Christmas advertising is usually finished by Thanksgiving. I came close to missing Easter a couple of times because we had finished Easter advertising weeks before and had moved on to Mother’s Day. I knew a set designer who refused to have a Christmas tree at Christmas. He spent every fall doing nothing but decorating Christmas trees for T.V. commercials.

The first few days of writing, as usual, were spent on generalities. The main story line had to be worked out. We knew the start. And, we knew it would have a happy ending. But, we had no middle. And, because of the
Sesame Street
format and pacing, we needed several other elements.

One thing Jon wanted to include was the three part, Bert and Ernie Gift of the Magi story I had written for the
Sesame Street
Christmas album. And, we knew we had to involve kids. Kids love watching kids on television. We also knew we needed music. We had a list of
Sesame Street
Christmas songs. But, who was going to sing what?

So, much more navel gazing was still required. In the meantime, we started to build the show’s outline. We set up a bulletin board and got a stack of 3 X 5 cards. Eventually, we would have a 3X5 card for each scene pinned on the board. But to start, we literally had two cards on the board with a lot of space in between. The top one said,
OPENING SCENE.
The bottom one said,
CLOSING CREDITS
.

And so, we started. Looking back, it’s difficult to say exactly who wrote what. I do know that Jon was better at writing “heart” while my comedy forte’ runs more to explosions. We were a pretty good team.

Since we knew we would be using the Bert and Ernie,
Gift of the Magi
story, we made up three 3X5 cards:

B&E “GIFT OF THE MAGI” PLOT
I

B&E/HOOPER “GIFT OF THE MAGI” PLOT II

B&E/HOOPER “GIFT OF THE MAGI” PLOT III

But, we put the cards on the side of the bulletin board, since we had no idea, yet, where they would go in the script. We made a card for each of the songs we were going to use and pinned them on the side, too.

Then we started refining the main story line about Big Bird, Santa and the chimneys. After Oscar gets him started, Big Bird teams up with a little girl named, Patty. Patty gave us a child in a major role who could also function as Big Bird’s, “Tonto.” “Tonto” is writers’ slang for the hero’s sidekick. Tonto is valuable because, as the hero talks to him, the hero’s thoughts are revealed to the audience.

Patty and Big Bird go ask Kermit if he knows how Santa gets down those skinny chimneys. Kermit doesn’t know but suggests they go ask some kids since nobody knows more about Christmas than kids. Along the way, they meet Mr. Snuffle-upagus. And, since he’s big, like Santa, they talk him into getting into a chimney-sized barrel with predictable results.

That didn’t work and the kids weren’t any help either. It starts getting dark and cold, so Big Bird sends Patty home. But, it’s Christmas Eve and how is Santa going to deliver all those toys?

Then Big Bird has one of his not-so-bright ideas. He decides to go up on the roof, wait for Santa and see how he gets down the chimney.

But it’s a long wait for Santa, and Big Bird falls asleep. Down on
Sesame Street
, the gang discovers Big Bird is missing and they panic. While the rest of the cast is frantically searching for Big Bird, he’s asleep on the roof and in very real danger of freezing.

But, he’s having a wonderful dream about sleighs and reindeer landing, and a big, jolly man in a red suit walking right up to him and touching him on the nose. Big Bird wakes up. There’s nobody there. Was it real? Or, was it a dream. What is real is how cold it is.
I think I froze my giblets!,
Big Bird says as he goes downstairs to warm up.

Everyone is glad to see Big Bird safe and sound. But, he still doesn’t know how Santa gets down the chimney. Then Gordon takes Big Bird over to their tree, which is carpeted with presents. Gordon explains it’s not important how the presents got there. What’s important is that they did and that Big Bird is back safe and sound for Christmas.

Then, Oscar walks in.
Listen, you big canary. How do you think the Easter
Bunny can
hide all those eggs in one night?

As the story line solidified into scenes, we wrote up a 3 X 5 card for each scene. We added the cards to the others on the side of the board.

I do remember having an idea about Cookie Monster trying to write to Santa Claus for some Christmas cookies. He starts with a pencil. But as he rhapsodizes about what kinds of cookies he wants, he unconsciously eats the pencil. His next try, with a typewriter, isn’t any better. He eats the typewriter. Finally, he calls Santa and actually gets him on the phone. But then he eats the phone. Finally, Gordon tells Cookie that he doesn’t have to write to Santa. Santa knows to bring him cookies. But, it’s traditional to leave a gift for Santa.

Cookie suggests leaving a neck tie for Santa, or maybe some shaving cream. When Gordon tells him the traditional gift for Santa is milk and cookies, Cookie Monster faints away.

So, we made a card for each of those scenes and added it to the board. So far, we’ve worked for a week or ten days and haven’t written a word of script. It’s all structure.

But now we had five musical numbers, three Bert and Ernie/Magi scenes, four scenes of Cookie writing to Santa, and 13 scenes from the major story line, we could start building the show.

We laid out the main story scenes and spaced them apart. Then, we inserted our “B” story lines’ scenes in between them. This gave the show the pacing and “feel” of
Sesame Street
. Finally, we found places for our musical productions.

Now we could step back and view the show as a whole. We could get a sense of whether or not main story scenes were separated by too much other material. We could test the timing of the “B” stories’ scenes. And, because each musical number’s 3X5 card carried a musical note on its upper left hand corner, we could see how well the music was spaced throughout the show.

Both Jon and I could stand by the board, point to each 3X5 card and describe each scene in order of appearance and describe the show in detail from start to finish. As we did, we continued to refine the story. Changes were made. Punch lines improved.

The final outline looked like this:

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street Outline

1. SKATING PARTY

Intro Cast/Xmas

B.B. ballet with little girl: “Feliz Navidad”

(You can do it if you try)

B&E/COUNT/COOKIE. jump the barrels

KID out-spins ADULTS

CRACK THE WHIP/OSCAR’S EXIT

2. OSCAR SETS UP “SANTA/CHIMNEY” PLOT

3. TRAVELING HOME Song:
True Blue Miracle

4. KERMIT/B.B./PATTY “SANTA/CHIMNEY” PLOT

5. B&E “GIFT OF THE MAGI” PLOT I

6. MUPPETS AND KIDS EXPLAIN SANTA’S ENTRY

7. BOB/LINDA/KIDS Song:
Keep Christmas With You

(Self-contained story line Bob and kids surprise Linda, who is deaf, by singing the song and accompanying it with sign language)

8. B&E/HOOPER “GIFT OF THE MAGI” PLOT II

9. GROVER & BILLY

10. COOKIE WRITES TO SANTA I.

11. B.B/KERMIT/PATTY RESULTS OF KIDS’ SURVEY

12. COOKIE WRITES TO SANTA II.

13. B.B./PATTY/SNUFF IN CHIMNEY

14. OSCAR Song:
I Hate Christmas!

15. B&E/HOOPER “GIFT OF THE MAGI” PLOT III.

16. COOKIE WRITES TO SANTA III.

17. B.B./PATTY NEST. B.B sends Patty home. He decides to take action.

18. GORDON/PATTY-B.B.’s gone!

19. B.B. ON THE ROOF

20. PEOPLE ON THE STREET/B.B. ON THE ROOF

21. PEOPLE ON THE STREET/B.B. ON THE ROOF/MARIA & OSCAR

22. B.B. ON THE ROOF. SANTA WAKES HIM UP

23. B.B. IN HALL AND GORDON’S APT. RESOLVE “SANTA CHIMNEY” PLOT. OSCAR’S “EASTER BUNNY” BUTTON

24. FINALE Keep Christmas With You

25. COOKIE. TREE/CREDIT

Even though I was his writing partner, I always believed that Jon, the ultimate showman, always kept a few ideas to himself and quietly included them into the final production. That meant that even at the first screening for the cast and crew, there would be some surprises. True to form, there were some wonderful surprises in the final version of
Christmas Eve on Sesame Street.

I knew that we had scheduled a skating rink and human-sized Muppet characters with skaters inside for the opening scene. But, since it had no dialogue, I didn’t give it much thought. As I said before, writers love musical numbers. They simply write, OPENING MUSICAL NUMBER, and that’s four minutes or so they don’t really have to worry about. To be honest, I did give Jon one punch line. More on that later.

Out of curiosity, I went to the skating rink on the day of the shoot. I knew it was going to be a major production. And you can always learn something by watching major productions. The OPENING MUSICAL NUMBER turned into a series of wonderful vignettes.

The opening master shot of the skating rink immediately set the tone and spirit of the show. The rink was decorated for Christmas. Along with some extras, the entire cast of the special, dressed for the holiday, were skating to Jose Feliciano’s
Feliz Navidad.
Gordon and Susan, David and Maria, Bob and Linda, Mr. Hooper, Bert, Ernie, Count Von Count, Cookie Monster, and Oscar in his trash can, with only his little furry green legs showing underneath, all skated past the camera.

Next, the piece segues into a small ballet where a little girl coaxes Big Bird into overcoming his fear and daring to ice skate.

One of Jon’s favorite children’s television tricks was to have a child teach something to an adult. He said kids love watching that.

Then we had the Count counting the barrels as Cookie Monster jumped over them.

Next, was a child teaching an adult to spin on skates. (See two paragraphs above.)

The final,
Crack-the-Whip
segment with the skating Muppets was pure Jon Stone. I’m sure you’ve seen it dozens of times. Skaters form a line from the center of the rink toward the outside and skate around the rink. As more and more skaters join the line, those at the outside end have to skate faster and faster. The line continued to extend. The last to join it was Oscar in his can.

Around and around the line spun. Usually what happens is the last skater on the line breaks off. But not this time. Oscar was spun around and around until he let go and flew into the air and through an exit door.

Then came the Stone touch. Oscar’s can banged, clanged, bounced and ricocheted its way down a never-ending stair case. It seemed like the fall lasted forever until Oscar, en can, came crashing out onto the street.

As Oscar struggles to his feet, Big Bird enters and asks if he’s okay.

Inside Skinny: My original line to Jon for Oscar, which was recorded was, Sure.
I’ve been thrown
out
of better places than that!

During post-production editing, someone found the line too adult. So, Caroll Spinney came in and over-dubbed,
Sure! Let’s go back and do it again!
(You be the judge.)

The other wonderful surprise was a series of interviews between Grover and several very vocal three-year-olds.

First of all, Frank Oz, Grover’s puppeteer has, among his many, many talents, the ability to mystically engage children. Kids totally believed in Grover and ignored Frank, who was only a foot or two away.