Memoirs of a Muppets Writer: (You mean somebody actually writes that stuff?) (25 page)

Of course, the question was also intriguing: How does big,
fat, Santa Claus, with
his
big, fat bag of toys, get down those skinny, little
chimneys?

No kid ever thinks about this problem. Nor, has any kid ever wanted to think about this problem. The kids’ rationalizations were wonderful! Everything from, He
squishes!,
through, He
ties the reindeer’s antlers with tape, to, He comes through the door with his Santa Claus keys!,
was delivered with amazing sincerity.

Of all the projects Jon Stone and I worked on together, Christmas Eve on
Sesame Street,
is, hands down, my favorite.

Shortly after the special was finished, I rejoined the
Sesame Street
writing staff and remained for another three seasons.

Over the next 15 years, Jon and I worked together on many scripts, including two other Sesame Street specials:
Big Bird in China;
and
Big Bird in Ireland,
which, because of Jon’s fatal illness, was never produced. We also wrote
Sesame Street Live!
road shows, as well as other
Sesame Street
and Muppet projects.

Chapter 44

Sesame Street Live!

D
uring the early 1980s, Jon Stone and I wrote several
Sesame Street
traveling road shows. These were live performances with dancers in full sized
Sesame Street
Muppet costumes and pre-recorded audio tracks. The casts consisted of the most popular
Sesame Street
Muppets: Big Bird; Oscar; Bert and Ernie; Grover; Cookie Monster; backed up with some lesser known characters and new ones created especially for the shows.

There were two creative problems associated with these scripts. Firstly, it’s almost impossible for two- and three-year-olds to sit still in a theater seat for over an hour. And secondly, like all good children’s theatre, the parents also had to be entertained. Word-of-mouth is crucial to the success of any theatrical production. And in our case, word-of-mouth is spread by the parents.

(There was a third problem initially: In the first script, we created a ten minute. energetic, Keystone Kops opening number with characters dancing frantically all over the stage and up and down the aisles. Then, the producers told us, in no uncertain terms, that the costumes were made mostly of styrofoam and rubber and didn’t breathe very well. So, if you make the cast members dance in them for that long a time, they die. So, we didn’t do that anymore.)

To solve the first problem, we wrote the scripts with as much audience participation as possible. So, we peppered the scripts with urges to sing-a-long with familiar songs from the show, as well as songs with physical participation: clap your hands; stomp your feet; point your fingers; pat your head. We also encouraged the kids to count to ten and recite the alphabet (especially if a character couldn’t) and included “pretending” bits like playing an imaginary instrument, or flying.

Additionally, we would write audience participation directly into the script. One show we wrote,
Big Bird’s Super Spectacular Totally Amateur Show
, opened with the cast staring directly at the audience. They talk among themselves about how there was supposed to be a show here today. Then someone suggests maybe the kids are going to do the show for them. So, they ask the kids, forcing the audience to tell them that they are supposed to do a show for them. Big surprise!

We also did a lot of one character searching for another. The searcher would ask the audience if they had seen the “searchee,” who would cross behind the searcher and duck out of sight just before the searcher turns around. With multiple costumes and hand puppets, we could make the “searchee” pop up all over the theater. “There he is! There he is!”, the kids would scream.

“Oh, no he isn’t!”, the searcher would respond. This, of course would start the call and response, “Oh yes he is!” “Oh, no he isn’t!” “Oh, yes he is!” It never failed.

To keep the parents interested, we always included some grown-up material for them. The pieces were visual and noisy enough to keep the kids interested. But, we were never sure how much they really understood.

Puns were and are a great part of the Muppet repertoire. We all loved them. Of course, they’re corn ball. But, the kids get some of them, and if you jam 20 or 30 of them together, most adults have to laugh, too. Think of the At the Dance sketches on
The Muppet Show
.

In its early years,
Sesame Street
had a series of segments called,
People in
Your
Neighborhood.
It was basically designed to help kids recognize the tradesmen and professionals around them and explain their
raisons d’etre.
(Bear with me. You don’t get to use
raisons d’etre
very often writing for children.)

Muppets done up as various members of the community would enter and sing about their jobs. We had a song called,
People in Your Neighborhood,
and each character got a verse of his own. In between the verses, the Muppets would do outrageous puns about their jobs. So, in one of the shows, for the edification of the parents, we wrote the following:

This is a big production number with a MUPPET EMCEE, FEMALE LETTER CARRIER, DOCTOR, FIREMAN, FEMALE STUDENT, HOUSE PAINTER, GROCER, BAKER and CARPENTER.

After the opening chorus:

EMCEE

Say, you must be the letter carrier.

FEMALE LETTER CARRIER

Yes, do you know the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp?

EMCEE

No. What’s the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp?

FEMALE LETTER CARRIER

One you
stick
with a
lick
and the other you
lick
with a
stick!

EMCEE

That’s really a
third
class joke.

DOCTOR

Oh,
letter
alone.

FEMALE LETTER CARRIER
(SINGS)

EMCEE

Aren’t you a doctor?

DOCTOR

I used to be a doctor but I lost my
patience!

EMCEE

That’s too bad.

DOCTOR

Oh, I didn’t mind, they were all
pills!

DOCTOR
(SINGS)

EMCEE

And what kind of person are you?

FIREMAN

Does fireman ring a
bell?

EMCEE

Fireman - bell. That’s a
hot
one!

FIREMAN

Axe me that question again.

EMCEE

Okay. What kind of person are you?

FIREMAN

That question really
burns
me up!

FIREMAN
(SINGS)

EMCEE

So, you’re a student. What are you studying in school?

STUDENT

Porpoises and mackerel.

EMCEE

Porpoises and mackerel?

STUDENT

Yes. It’s a school
of fish!

EMCEE

That joke gave me a
haddock!

STUDENT
(SINGS)

EMCEE

You must be a house painter.

HOUSE PAINTER

Overall,
I’d say, “yes.” And, do you know what we say when we’ve finished painting?

EMCEE

No.

HOUSE PAINTER

Now, that is a house of a different color!

EMCEE

Ouch! I’ll see you
ladder!

FIREMAN

I’ll do the ladder jokes if you don’t mind!

HOUSE PAINTER
(SINGS)

EMCEE

Oh, you’re the grocer. I know all about that.

GROCER

I’ll bet you don’t know beans about it.

EMCEE

You just mind your
peas
and Qs.

GROCER

Lettuce not get into a
pickle
over this.

EMCEE

Enough with the
corny
jokes. Sing.

GROCER
(SINGS)

EMCEE

Say, you must be the baker.

BAKER

Yes. But I donut want to
loaf
around here all day. I
knead to
get
rolling
back to the bakery.

EMCEE

You seem to work very hard.

BAKER

It keeps me in the
dough
.

EMCEE

You really take the cake!

BAKER (SINGS)

EMCEE

You’re a happy looking carpenter. You must like your work.

CARPENTER

I give it my
awl.

EMCEE

I saw that one coming.

CARPENTER

I hope you weren’t
board
by it.

EMCEE

It was pretty
tacky.

CARPENTER

Well, I’d better be
lumbering
along.

CARPENTER
(SINGS)

The entire company sings the finale.

Go ahead and groan..

My favorite child/adult road show sketch involves one of my favorite
Sesame Street
characters, Grover Monster. Grover is the skinny, blue monster, performed by Frank Oz, with the high-pitched voice, who wants only to be loved. Grover is probably the most neurotic character ever to appear on children’s television.

Occasionally, Grover appears as one of his alter egos such as Super Grover, the useless super hero. He also appears as Marshall Grover, complete with over sized ten gallon hat and fuzzy chaps. Of course, no great western hero is complete without a faithful steed. Grover’s is Fred the Wonder Horse, played by Jerry Nelson. Fred is as laconic and laid back as Grover is frenetic. They roam the deserts and plains of the Old West, accomplishing absolutely nothing.

This piece takes place on a proscenium stage. As Big Bird makes his introduction, Fred gallops back and forth across the stage and into the wings with a dummy Grover hanging on for dear life.

BIG BIRD

From out of the west, with the speed of light, comes the thundering hoof beats of the great horse, Fred!

MARSHALL GROVER

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

BIG BIRD

… And, the daring and resourceful blue rider of the plains, who led the fight for…

MARSHALL GROVER

Fredeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

BIG BIRD

… law and order in the Old West. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear…

FRED AND GROVER RACE OFF STAGE.

MARSHALL GROVER

Whoooooooooooooooooa! Freeeeeeedeeeeeeeee!

OFF STAGE CRASH!

BIG BIRD

Marshall Grover rides again!!!

BIG BIRD EXITS

ENTER FRED WITH A LIMPING GROVER BEHIND HIM.

MARSHALL GROVER

Oh, Freddy, watch those sudden stops. (TO AUDIENCE) Well, howdy, buckaroos! It’s your old side kick, Marshall Grover! How are you today?… Good, because we’re going to have a real rooting-tooting time!

FRED BUTTS GROVER FROM BEHIND

MARSHALL GROVER

Oh, yes! And this is Fred, the Wonder Horse. Take a bow, Fred.

FRED CURTSIES.

MARSHALL GROVER

Now, do you know what we’re going to do for our part in Big Bird’s Amateur show?

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

No, I don’t, Marshall.

MARSHALL GROVER

Of course you don’t. That is why I am the Marshall and you are the horse. We are going to do a dog act.

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

Marshall, do yuh really think yuh can pass yuhself off as a dog?

MARSHALL GROVER

Not me, Fred! You! I will give the commands, and you, Fred the Wonder Horse, er, Dog, will do what I tell you.

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

Oh, for Pete’s sake …

MARSHALL GROVER

Here we go. On my command … SIT!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

Horses don’t sit.

MARSHALL GROVER

SIT! SIT!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

Okay. Okay. (TO THE WINGS) Anybody got a chair back there?

SOMEONE CARRIES OUT A CHAIR.

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

Thanks. I hate sitting on a cold floor.

FRED’S BACK HALF SITS ON THE CHAIR. THE FRONT HALF SITS ON THE BACK HALF’S LAP AND CROSSES ITS LEGS CASUALLY.

MARSHALL GROVER

Very good, Fred, the Wonder Dog. Now, for his next trick, Fred, the Wonder Dog, will speak. Ready, Fred? SPEAK!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

What do yuh want me to say, Marshall?

MARSHALL GROVER

Sometimes I wonder why they call you Fred, the Wonder Horse. We are doing a dog act. You are playing the part of the dog. When I say, “speak”, you go, “bow-wow.”

FREDTHE WONDER HORSE

Aw, Marshall Grover, couldn’t I just whinny or recite an Emily Dickenson poem or something?

MARSHALL GROVER

SPEAK!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

All right! All right! (UNDER HIS BREATH) bow-wow.

MARSHALL GROVER
(SINGING)

I did not hear you!!!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

Bow-wow!

MARSHALL GROVER

Now, Fred will beg for us. Beg, Fred. BEG!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

That one’s easy, Marshall. I’m beggingyuh. Let me out of this corn ball act. Look, I’m down on my knees to yuh. And, I’m beggin’ yuh to let me off this here stage.

MARSHALL GROVER

Very good, Fred.

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

I take it the answer is no.

MARSHALL GROVER

Correct! Now, for the big finish, Fred the Wonder Dog is going to fetch!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

What’s that?

MARSHALL GROVER

You know, fetch. I take a stick like this one (HE PICKS UP A STICK). And, I throw it. And, I say, “Fetch, Fred.” And then you chase it and bring it back to me.

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

Let me get this straight. You’re gonna throw that stick and I gotta go chase it and bring it back to yuh?

MARSHALL GROVER

Right! Oh, Fred, you are so intelligent!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

If you want to wind up with the stick, why are you gonna throw it away in the first place?

MARSHALL GROVER

So, you can fetch it!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

But, I don’t want to fetch it.

MARSHALL GROVER

Fred! If I do not throw it and you do not fetch it, then there is no trick!

FRED THE WONDER HORSE

Yes, there is. You hide your eyes and I’ll show yuh a real trick.