Memoirs of a Muppets Writer: (You mean somebody actually writes that stuff?) (29 page)

The memorial was 2½ hours of incredible testimony and entertainment. The puppeteers performed a medley of Jim’s favorite songs including,
Lydia the Tattooed Lady, Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear,
and ending with a major production of Just One
Person.

I don’t know how the guys found the strength to perform so soon after losing so close a friend and creative partner. But since it was evident that this performance was
for Jim,
it was flawless.

Several other memories stand out from that day: Jane and Brian Henson eulogizing Jim; Big Bird, in black tie and ruffled shirt-front, singing, It’s Not Easy
Being
Green; and Harry Belafonte’s wonderfully uplifting African folk music. Several people broke down, including Jim’s hard-as-nails manager, Bernie Brillstein and Richard Hunt displayed a deep philosophical side we had never seen before.

Along with a memorial program, on each Cathedral seat was a small, foam rubber, butterfly puppet. They were about six inches across and mounted on a short rod. During several of the musical presentations, without cues, the entire audience animated the puppets overhead on the rods. The effect was a sea of butterflies floating over the congregation.

There’s a story that Frank Oz told that epitomizes Jim Henson’s generosity, artistic talent, and sense of humor in one very short anecdote.

Firstly, you have to understand, Jim and Frank were very close. They were as much of a classic comedy team as Laurel and Hardy or Burns and Allen. Frank was Bert to Jim’s Ernie and Miss Piggy to Jim’s Kermit. Their magic is available on thousands of hours of video.

During rehearsals for an episode of the first season of
Saturday Night
Live!, Jim lured Frank into a dressing room, and convinced him to take his clothes off and pose naked for some nude photographs. Jim told Frank it was important. So Frank eventually acquiesced, albeit cautiously.

Jim asked Frank to cover his genitals and look into the camera in a state of complete and utter shock. Under the circumstances, it wasn’t much of a reach for Frank. The pictures were taken, Frank got dressed and he and Jim went back to work.

Several months later, Christmas arrived and Jim gave Frank his Christmas present. It was a wall hanging construction that Jim had made for Frank.

As Frank described it, the construction was a bust of Bert. He’s holding a ledge with a dozen tiny Bert statues the size of toy soldiers. The little Berts were looking in all different directions. And, across the bottom of the ledge were photographs of the Muppet shop people who had constructed Bert. At the edge of the ledge, Jim had painted striations which Frank perceived as layers of Bert’s mind.

The eyes of the big Bert were hollow, allowing the viewer to look directly into Bert’s brain, as it were. And when you did, you were confronted with a picture of a naked Frank Oz in a state of complete and utter shock.

The time and creativity that went into the construction speak for Jim’s generosity and talent. I’ll let the humor speak for itself.

As the ceremony ended, the Dirty Dozen Brass Band played the crowd out with a rousing rendition of When the
Saints Go Marching In.
And then, the Cathedral’s enormous pipe organ joined in, jamming right along with the brass.

Jim Henson surrounded himself with extraordinary people. The memorial is some of these extraordinary people talking about just how extraordinary a person was Jim Henson.

Chapter 51

In Memoriam

W
riting this book has been both cathartic and therapeutic. Time, I’ve discovered, is the only anecdote for grief. There were some memories I hadn’t thought of in years. But now, enough time has elapsed that I accept the passing of Jim and others from my Muppet days and now remember them fondly with little, if any, sadness. Sure, Jim could have lived and entertained for another 30 years. But, that was not to be.

The Greeks claimed a person attains a certain immortality as long as he or she is remembered. So, Jim’s immortality is safe for at least the next two or three centuries.

The world will remember Jim Henson for the millions of people he entertained and educated. But, I’ll always remember him as the magical ringmaster who let me turn a quirky talent into a meaningful career and for letting me spend 20 fascinating years with his marvelous, mystical, magical circus.

Chapter 52

Everything I learned about writing in 50 years … the hard way

E
rnest Hemingway said that writing was the only art that was self-taught. He’s probably right. Every writer I know has a different approach to writing. But there are a few practical pearls of wisdom that I can pass along that might save you some time and hassles. Some of them apply to writing in general and some apply only to comedy. I’ll start with the general stuff.

Outlines:
Whether it’s a novel, a script or a letter to your mother, do an outline, first. If you’re writing fact, it will force you to present your material as logically as possible. If you’re writing fiction, outlining a story forces you to deal with it in a practical manner. Are the characters interesting enough? Does the story have enough plot points to sustain a novel or a feature film? Do an outline and you’ll find out.

If you just start writing with an idea and no outline, you can waste hours or even days creating characters, writing chapters, or scenes that you throw out later because they didn’t fit the story when it finally got worked out. This book started with an outline. So did this chapter.

Deadlines:
There’s a story about a writer who set his apartment on fire as an excuse for missing a deadline. (He probably didn’t do an outline.) The job of a professional writer is to produce acceptable results in an expected amount of time. Deadlines have to be taken seriously. Money, equipment and personnel depend on material being delivered on time.

All Nighters:
Speaking of deadlines, there’s an old writing cliche’ that the best writing happens when you’re really up against one. The prescribed method is to wait until the night before a project is due, don a black turtleneck, get two packs of cigarettes and a bottle of vodka, and sit at the keyboard until 3:00 a.m. Then, when you’re half in the bag and have coughed yourself raw, the project will magically write itself. This belief became popular in English Comp. classes. The people who still practice it are known as “D” Students. As soon as you decide on a project or get an assignment, sit down, do an outline and get started on a draft as soon as possible. That’s how the pros do it.

Re-writing:
As Ed Hall said on the very first day of my very first writing job,
All writing is re-writing. I
can hear the groans. Nobody wants to hear that, but it’s true. But there is a silver lining.

Most writer’s block is caused by staring at an empty screen waiting to be inspired by perfection. You can sit there frozen for hours, maybe days. But, once you accept the fact that the first draft isn’t going to be perfect and it will improve in future re-writes, you can start to work. If nothing else, do it Ed Hall’s way: Write the Lord’s Prayer and then re-write that. Remember: Nobody but you is going to see anything but your final draft.

Additionally, if you have the luxury, leave some time between drafts. For some reason, if you can leave a piece of material alone for a week, its problems and solutions jump right out at you when you go back to it.

Feature Films:
Back in the 30s or 40s a Hollywood writer once said all Hollywood movies have the same three acts. Act I: Chase the hero up a tree. Act II: Throw rocks at the hero. Act III: Get the hero out of the tree. If he’s alive, it’s a comedy. If he’s dead, it’s a tragedy That always made pretty good sense to me. Also, the word is that the exposition (Act I) shouldn’t last past page 20.

The first thing many movie people do with a new script is go to the last page to see how long it is. This may seem trivial, but it’s a quick check of the writer’s professionalism.

The average movie runs around 90 minutes. “Big” movies might run two hours. Like most script formats, the master scene feature script should run 90 to 100 pages. (You can cut ten minutes out of anything.) A new writer who turns in a 170 page script has no real idea of the medium.

Since I see a lot of scripts move around electronically these days, the readers may check word counts of scripts. Out of curiosity, I dug out my two feature scripts. Tom, Dick,
and Harry,
a comedy, runs 95 pages with 15,569 words.
Beyond the Pale,
a historic epic, runs 107 pages and 18,065 words. But, it does have major sea and land battles.

Make the Deal First!
was a sampler that hung over Jon Stone’s desk. (Jon also had another sampler that said, Sue
the bastards!)
Many inexperienced writers find themselves in a situation where they’ve settled on a flat fee for a writing job. But, if there are no constraints for the number of drafts or the amount of time, in theory, the writer could re-write that script forever. This is especially true with producers who
don’t know what they want but will know it when they see
it.

Good producers and editors know what they want and have the creative imagination to see your writing talent in the project. That’s why they hired you in the first place.

Recently, I wrote an animation pilot for a half hour T.V. show with a friend of mine. Since it was animation, it wasn’t covered by the Writers Guild of America, the writers’ union that sets minimum fees for movies and television.

But, we based our deal on the Writers Guild rules. For the fee, we agreed to give the client an outline, two drafts and a polish. After that, if he still wasn’t satisfied, it was time to re-negotiate, or get another writing team.

This arrangement forced the producer to accept his responsibility to the project at the start. Major story direction and character development should be agreed on between the writer and producer at the outline stage, not after a lot of time has been spent writing a draft. It also kept him involved throughout the rest of the scripts’s development. Good producers actually prefer to work this way with writers.

We also included a payment schedule in the deal memo: One third at the beginning; one third after the second draft; and a third upon completion.

Speech Writing:
There are two well-known rules of speech writing: “KISS!”; and the Three T’s.

KISS:
Keep It Simple, Stupid!

The Three T’s: Tell’em what you’re gonna tell ‘em. Tell’em. Then Tell’em what you just told’em.

It’s also important to remember that when you’re writing a speech, you’re really writing dialogue. So make sure the rhythm and cadence allows the speaker to speak and breathe naturally.

Grammar:
Learn it. It’s hard enough to attract and keep a reader’s attention without breaking their concentration with bad grammar. Bad grammar is like a piece of spinach in your teeth. It’s distracting and not particularly attractive. The incorrect uses of “like” and “as,” or ending a sentence with a preposition stops my reading cold in its tracks. Remind yourself about run-on sentences and using synonyms.

You could argue that only fifteen percent of people know the difference. Okay. But I can turn that argument around by saying you can improve your writing by fifteen percent, simply by using correct grammar. If you don’t believe your writing could be improved by fifteen percent, you shouldn’t be writing.

Paragraphs:
Try to avoid starting a paragraph with the word, “the.” Try also to avoid starting consecutive paragraphs with the same word or even the same letter. And keep your paragraphs short. These simple rules will improve your writing almost immediately.

Pet Peeves:
(1) Everything isn’t a challenge. There are real problems in the world. (2) Major events affect people’s lives and sometimes leave them with grave
effects. Impact
is what happens when you walk into a door.

Jargon:
Use it sparingly to make a point or add realism to a character. Otherwise, try to avoid it. Nothing ages faster than jargon. It goes from cool to corny in about a nanosecond.

Books:
Several books are indispensable to writers. The first, of course, is the most comprehensive dictionary you can find. The next is, R
oget’s Thesaurus.
Then John Bartlett’s
Familiar
Quotations, but don’t over use it. The
New York Times Manual of Style and Usage
is probably the most practical grammar book ever written. And, in case of dispute, remember, nobody can argue with The New
York Times.
Finally, if you’re going to write a lot of fiction, a copy of What
to Name the Baby
is probably a good idea for finding character names.

Crossword Puzzles:
Many writers, myself included, warm up to write by doing crossword puzzles. It’s a bit like hitting the driving range before you start on the course. You’re playing with language. Is this clue a noun or a verb? Is it a pun? Is there a theme running through the puzzle? All of this gets your brain working in the right direction to write.

Consistency:
If you’re serious about writing, you have to make it a habitual part of your daily life. If you get a writing job, that problem is solved. But, if you’re working on a novel or a play, you’re pretty much on your own and self starting can be difficult. Sometimes that’s the case even if you have a writing job. I wrote most of
Sesame Street
and many other projects at home.

There are a few things you can do to make it easier. Firstly, make a place to write. A place that when you’re there you’re all about the business of writing. An architect friend suggests that if you have a view of distance or sky from your work place it aids creativity. I suspect he’s right. I write close to a window with a good view of my neighborhood.

Secondly, find the time of day when you’re most creative. Some people are early morning writers. I, myself, am an afternoon/early evening writer.

So, make sure you’re at your writing spot at your most creative time of day. On those days when you’re not on fire with creativity and bursting with ideas, go over what you’ve previously written. There’s always something that needs a little tightening up. And sometimes, that will ease you into your writing mode.