Men at Work [Quick Read] (4 page)

Ian’s first afternoon working with Emma was, if anything, worse than the morning. Usually the afternoon was Ian’s favourite part of the day. Most of his friends who had actual work to do would have had the bulk of it done by this time and would be more open to having a laugh, but as he looked around the office most people seemed genuinely busy. This was fine today, because he had something on his mind and for once it wasn’t Emma, it was a large brown folder.

The Regional Study folder had been sitting on the edge of his desk for a good ten minutes now, ever since Douglas had given him strict instructions about what he was to do with it. The first part was to hand over the folder to one of the Admin girls. The second was to explain the parts of the folder that needed explaining. And the third was getting the girls to type up the article, copy it and pass it on to all department heads by the end of the day. On any other day of the week (or at least any other day without Emma being in this office) this would have been a pleasure. But today (and indeed any day that had his girlfriend sitting less than six inches away from his elbow) it was going to be a nightmare.

The girls in Admin (or as they liked to be known, “the Ad Girls”) were easily the hottest girls on the entire fourth floor. No one had ever quite worked out why Admin always seemed to attract the best looking women, but no one really cared about the answer. “It’s like asking a weather man why it’s a sunny day,” Ian had said to Amar when the topic came up. “The fact of the matter is, no one cares why it’s a sunny day when it’s a sunny day. All that matters when it’s a sunny day is that you go outside as much as possible and enjoy it.”

There were three Admin girls in total. Jodie, Danni (Ian’s favourite) and Sam. The girls were all in their early twenties and although they had many things in common (
Heat
magazine and a fondness for hair extensions, for example), there was one thing that truly united them. The fact that they all thought Ian was the most fanciable guy on the fourth floor. Ian knew that being “the most fanciable guy on the fourth floor” was not much to feel big-headed about. But even though he would never have cheated on Emma in a million years, it gave him a warm glow inside.

While Emma wasn’t the jealous type, this didn’t mean she wouldn’t make his life a living hell should she suspect that he spent his afternoons at work being witty and charming for the Ad Girls.

Which was worse? wondered Ian. To fall out with your boss for the second time in a day because you hadn’t done your job or fall out with your girlfriend because she thought you were a cheating scumbag? It really was a lose/lose situation unless he could come up with a way out. Suddenly it came to him. The perfect plan that would allow him to talk to the Admin girls without Emma suspecting a thing.

“I’m gasping,” said Ian, standing up. “I’m going to make myself a brew. Fancy one Em?”

Emma shook her head. “I’m off tea at the minute. I saw something in the paper last week about how too much tannin isn’t good for you.”

“Okay,” said Ian, not to be defeated. “How about a glass of water? You’re supposed to drink two litres a day aren’t you? I’ve barely seen you drink a drop.”

Emma shook her head again. “I know you’re right but I’m not in the mood for water today.”

“But a glass of water drunk every hour keeps your brain ticking over.”

“My brain’s just fine, thank you,” laughed Emma. “What about you though? You never drink water at home. Your kidneys must look like a pair of dried up old prunes.”

“They’re fine,” said Ian swiftly. “Okay, so you don’t want tea or water and it’s too early for a white wine, so how about . . . a diet Coke?”

“Now that,” said Emma, “would be perfect.”

For forty-five minutes after his return from the shop to get Emma’s giant bottle of diet Coke, Ian sat willing his girlfriend to go to the loo so that he could talk to the Admin girls. But Emma must have a bladder the size of a football because even after an hour she hadn’t made a move towards the loo.

“You seem a bit thoughtful,” said Emma, nudging him with her elbow. “There’s no need to spend the afternoon dreaming about me when I’m right here next to you!”

“You’ll never believe this,” said Ian, “but I really was thinking about you. I was just wondering whether you’d been to the loo at all today.”

“Why would you wonder that of all things?”

“Because I thought you might not know where they are and be too shy to ask.”

“They’re on the second floor,” said Emma. “I found them this morning. And to answer your question, yes, I have been to the loo.”

“Good,” said Ian. “But how about this afternoon? I only ask because I’m pretty sure I read in the paper that people don’t go to the loo enough these days.”

“I go to the loo plenty thank you.”

“So why don’t you go now?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“But are you sure you’re sure? You know how it is. Sometimes you never really know you need the loo until you think about it.”

Emma looked at him. “Have you gone mad? What’s all this wee talk about?”

“Fine. Don’t go to the loo if you don’t want to. I was just looking out for you that’s all.” He realised that all this talk of needing the loo had made him need the loo. Urgently. With a heavy heart and a full bladder he rose to his feet.

“Where are you going?” asked Emma.

“To the loo,” he said.

“Hmm,” said Emma, rising to her feet. “Now I think about it, maybe I do need the loo after all. Let’s go together.”

It was just after six on a Friday morning four weeks later and Ian was lying awake in bed next to Emma with a huge grin on his face. Today was Emma’s last day temping in his office. Ian was so excited that every now and again he let out a silent, “Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss!” through gritted teeth. Was this what Geoff Hurst felt like when he heard the final whistle, playing against Germany back in 1966? Ian thought so because right now he was sure that life couldn’t get any better.

For this past month, working with Emma day in and day out had been the hardest thing Ian had ever done in his life. Every day he had gone to work hoping that today might be better than yesterday. And every day he had come home disappointed.

On the second day, Emma said that they were spending too much money on pre-packed sandwiches and so, much to his friend’s amusement, she made him share a pasta salad and bottle of mineral water at her desk. On the fourth day, Ian had hoped to get drunk at Trevor from Strategy Planning’s leaving do. But Emma gave him so many disapproving looks that he gave up on beer and drank orange juice for the rest of the night. On the sixth day, Emma brought in the cute cat photo calendar that he hated from home and put it on her desk. Right in his eye line.

On the eighth day, Emma made friends with the Admin girls after a Health and Safety meeting. Now they had all stopped flirting with him. On the tenth day, Emma decided that every other lunchtime they would go for a walk to spend some quality time together out of the office. On the twelfth day, Emma found Ian and Amar’s secret napping place in the store cupboard at the back of the break room and banned them both from ever going there again.

On the fourteenth day, Emma started a book club and so far had made him spend two precious lunchtimes in the fourth floor meeting room talking about boring books that made his head ache. On the sixteenth day, Emma talked him into coming in to work on casual Friday wearing a vile purple shirt she had bought him on his birthday. And on the eighteenth day, when Ian was going to call in sick because he’d finally had enough, Emma begged him come to work because she didn’t want to spend all day on her own. But now, on this the twentieth and final day of Emma’s temping, the end was in sight. He just had to get through this final day and everything would be okay.

********

The first sign that everything wasn’t going to be okay came at just after midday. Ian’s boss, Douglas, poked his head out of the door to his office and asked Emma to come in for a quick chat. The second sign that everything wasn’t going to be okay came five minutes later, when Ian heard Emma’s joyful cackle. It sounded as though she had just heard the funniest joke in the world. But the third and final sign that everything wasn’t going to be okay came just after twenty past twelve when, beaming from ear to ear, Emma came out of her meeting with Douglas. She was calling over her shoulder as she left, “Of course. Just give me lunchtime to think about it and I’ll have an answer for you this afternoon.”

“Okay,” said Ian as Emma got back to her desk and took her seat. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing much,” said Emma grinning.

“Oh, Em, don’t make me beg will you? It’s clear from that cheesy grin that something is up, so what is it?”

“Douglas has just offered me a job!” said Emma clapping her hands with glee. “Can you believe it, Ian? We’re going to be desk buddies for life!”

Ian swallowed hard. “So you’ve said yes?”

“I told him I’d talk it over with you.”

“Why would you tell him that?” asked Ian.

“Because this was only ever supposed to be a temp job. It’s been fun but part of me wonders whether, you know, if I worked here full-time, I might feel a little bit hemmed in by you.”

“By me?”

Emma nodded. Ian breathed a huge (but hidden) sigh of relief. “Sweetie,” he said, “there is no way I’d ever want you to feel hemmed in. So if you don’t think you ought to take the job, then don’t take it.”

“But that’s the thing,” said Emma. “Deep down I really do want to take it.”

“But what about the hemmed-in feeling?”

Emma shrugged. “I think I could get used to it. I mean, I’ve been here a month and you haven’t felt hemmed in by me, have you?”

Ian thought about telling Emma exactly how hemmed in he felt but at the last moment he stopped. Emma was so happy, he just couldn’t bring himself to ruin things for her. This was no time for the truth. “I’ve loved it,” he said and kissed her on the cheek. “It really has made my month having you around.”

“Well in that case,” said Emma rising to her feet, “there’s no point in me hanging about, is there? I’ll tell Doug yes right now.”

As Ian watched Emma cross the room to Douglas’s office, two thoughts popped into his head. The first was that he loved Emma more than he had ever loved any woman in his life. The second was that the idea of working with her forever made him want to poke his eyes out with the wrong end of a spoon. There was no way that he could stand working with her every day. No way at all. He would have to do something about it and he was going to have to do it soon or risk never being happy at work or at home ever again.

Emma had a stunned look on her face.

“What did you just say?”

“I said, I think it’s time we started a family,” said Ian, barely able to believe that he had said the words himself.

“Are you serious?”

“Completely serious. I love you. We’ve been together ages. And I think it’s time.”

“But I don’t understand,” said Emma. “Where’s all this come from? Last time I checked, weren’t you the man who said I’d got more chance of talking you into a sex change than a baby?”

“Times change,” said Ian. “Sometimes a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.”

The reason why this man was doing what he was doing had very little to do with wanting his own small bundle of joy. Since Emma had started working permanently at the Policy Planning department over a month ago, every single one of his attempts to get her to leave had failed.

So far he had tried:

When Emma turned down the fake job – by telling her fake interviewer that that she couldn’t leave the fourth floor because she was having such a good time working with her boyfriend – Ian decided to pull out the big guns. And ask Emma if she wanted to start a family.

“You do realise that this is the single maddest thing you have ever done?” said Amar once Ian had finished telling him the plan. “How can you think it’s okay to bring a child into the world just so that you don’t have to work with your missus? I mean, what are you going to tell the little nipper when he’s older and asks you why you wanted a baby? You’ll be kissing any half-decent Father’s Day presents goodbye if he finds out the answer is ‘because your mum was driving me crazy.’ Mate, I know this is a great place to work but why don’t you just get another job?”