Mid Life Love (31 page)

C
laire

I was breaking up with Jonathan.
Today
.

I couldn’t take this shit anymore. It was way too
much and I was tired of crying about it alone. I needed to end this affair for
my own sanity—for my
health
. I knew that he and I were bound to break up
down the line anyway, so as amazing as our relationship had been, it was time
to cut him off.

He had no idea what I’d been going through over the
past few weeks, and I wasn’t going to tell him. He’d put the pieces together
with time, and by then he’d have hopefully found someone who was a much better
match.

I’d been contemplating this for a while, but once I
cried myself to sleep last night while lying in his arms, I knew that letting
him go was what I needed to do.

I didn’t eat lunch with him this afternoon, and I
answered all of his sweet random texts with a “We’re still really busy down
here, but I promise I’ll come see you later.” I didn’t bother opening any of
the notes on his latest flower and chocolate deliveries either; I didn’t want
to back out of this.

I waited until the end of the workday, rehearsing my
speech over and over, bracing myself for his reaction. As soon as my clock
struck six and the “Goodbye Jonathan” alarm on my cell phone sounded, I took
the elevator up to his office.

“Good afternoon.” I stopped at his secretary’s desk
and cleared my throat. “Is Mr. Statham available right now?”

“Miss Gracen,” she said, smiling, “you know as well
as I do that he’s always available for
you
.”

My heart sank. “I know, but is he busy with another
client? I don’t want to interrupt anything important...”

“Oh, no. Not at all. His last appointment ended over
an hour ago.” She picked up her phone. “Mr. Statham? Miss Gracen is here to see
you.” She motioned for me to head inside.

I exhaled and shut my eyes before twisting the
doorknob.
Stay focused and make it quick... Don’t make a scene and don’t cry.
Whatever you do, don’t cry...

The moment I stepped inside, he swept me into his
arms and kissed me. “You’re the best part of my day.” He carried me over to his
desk and set me down. “Are you alright? You look sick...”

I think we need to break up. I think we
need to break up. Say it!
“I’m fine.”

“Hmmm.” He walked over to his cabinet and grabbed a
bottle of water. He handed it to me and put his hand on my forehead like he was
checking for a fever. “You sure you’re okay?”

I nodded.

He reached into his jacket and pulled out a
rectangular jewelry box. “I meant to give it to you yesterday, but the board
meeting lasted forever and I forgot all about it. I want you to open it with me
later.”

“I can’t accept this...”

He rolled his eyes and placed it into my purse. He
moved behind his desk and started packing his briefcase. “Are we still on for
dinner tonight? Ashley and Caroline mentioned wanting to make apple pie
together so—”

“I think we should break up.”

His head shot up. “
What
?”

I felt a lump rising up my throat and forced it back
down. “I don’t want to be with you anymore...” I swallowed and tried to keep my
tears at bay.

I thought he was going to say something—anything,
but there was only silence. Deafening silence.

He narrowed his eyes and strolled over to me, making
me step back against a wall. “Is this some type of
joke
?” He hissed.
“Because it better be...”

“It’s not a joke.” My voice was a whisper. “I can’t
do this to myself anymore...”

“
What
? Where the fuck is this coming from?”

I ignored his question. I started reciting the
speech I’d written earlier. “I think it’s best if you and I go our separate
ways, Jonathan. I know it may be hard for you to understand
why
right
now, but we weren’t going to make it too much longer anyway. I’m grateful for
everything you’ve—”

“
Stop talking
.” He pressed his chest against
mine and looked directly into my eyes, forcing my body to react against my
will. “You’re not making any sense and you know it...”

He placed a firm hand at the small of my back and
used his other hand to run his fingers through my hair. He whispered, “You’re
just having a rough day...Let me fix it.”

I almost leaned in and kissed him, almost gave in to
the warmth that was coursing through my veins, but I jerked my head to the side
and pushed him away.

He stared at me for a long time—half confused, half
aroused, and I knew I was going to have to go with the worst possible approach
if I really wanted to end this. 

“Claire...” He sighed. “I’m not sure what happened to
you today, but you seem out of it. Whatever it is, let me know so I can make it
better...Go sit on the couch so we can—”

“I. Don’t. Want. You.
Anymore
. What part of
that don’t you understand, Jonathan? How many times do you need me to repeat
it?” 

His eyes darkened and he took a step forward. “Is
this your attempt to initiate angry sex? Because I’m seconds away from fucking
some sense into you.”

“
It’s. Over
.” I felt my heart breaking, but I
kept going. “You and I don’t belong together and I’m tired of pretending like
we do. As much as I’d love to continue this fucking fantasy, I need to get back
to reality. And my reality doesn’t include
you
. The past months were
fun, but I’m done with this and I’m done with you.” I made a beeline for the
door and twisted the doorknob, but he grabbed me by my shoulders and spun me
around.

His eyes were blazing with fury, but he kept his
voice soft. “I’m going to give you one more chance to tell me where the fuck
this is coming from.”

“I just told you where...”

“
Bullshit
, Claire. We were in bed twelve
hours ago and you weren’t raving like a damn lunatic then. I want the truth.”
He paused, and then he lowered his voice. “Just tell me what’s going on...Have
you met someone else?”

“What? No. I—”

“Then what’s the problem? And what makes you think
I’m going to just
let you go
? You think you’re going to walk out that
door and I’m not going to
follow
you?”

“Jonathan, please lis—”

“You won’t make it down the hall.”

I knew I wasn’t making any sense, but I had to do
this in any way that I could. “What we have is impossible...I think you’ve known
that from the beginning because—”

“
No
.
I haven’t
. I—”

“Let me finish...” I felt him clasping my hands in his
and I almost broke down. “As crazy as this may sound, the feelings I have for
you are feelings that I’ve never felt for anyone else—not even my ex-husband...”
I jerked my head away as he leaned in to kiss me. “But I recently realized
that...It’s hard for me to explain but—”

“
Try me
.”

My voice cracked. “I knew from the moment that I
started dating you that this was going to end very badly for me.”

“It doesn’t have to end at all.”

“It doesn’t have to continue either. I don’t want
to—”

He forced his lips onto mine and kissed me until I
couldn’t breathe, murmuring against my mouth. “I love you, Claire...And I
need
you...Stop acting like this...”

I broke away, panting, making him look more confused
than ever. 

“This is only the second serious relationship I’ve
been in throughout my entire life and I think that’s part of the problem...When I
was married to Ryan, he used to—”

“Your ex-husband is an
asshole
who never
fucking deserved you.” His face turned red. “Don’t you dare compare me to him.”

“My point was that—”

“That you don’t
want
to be happy.” He dropped
my hands. “That me loving you doesn’t matter because you don’t love me. And I
was okay with that, because I could wait. Because I know you’re stubborn and
everything in your world is black or white, right or wrong, appropriate or
inappropriate.
Fine
. I get that. But you must not have been paying
attention to how things operate in
my world
, because you’re out of your
damn mind if you think that weak ass excuse you just gave me justifies a break
up.”

He brushed a hand against my cheek and softened his
tone. “I’ll be at your house at seven tonight. After dinner, you and I can have
a real discussion about what’s been going on with you. Whatever it is, we can—”

“I thought you said you’d do anything to make me
happy.”

“I did. And I
meant that
.” He cupped my face
in his hands and kissed me. “Whatever you want me to—”

“Let me go. And don’t follow me.”

He sucked in a breath and clenched his jaw. “
No
.”

“That’s what I want...” I murmured, not sure if he’d
even heard me.

“If you had any idea what I felt for you... If you
could
feel
exactly how much you mean to me...” He paused and I saw the
veins in his neck begin to swell. “You wouldn’t dare ask me to do that...”

I stared at him for several seconds, wanting to say
“You’re right...Let’s just forget this ever happened and make love to each
other,” but I couldn’t do it.

“You letting me go and leaving me alone would make
me happy.” I rushed the words out of mouth, trying not to notice the pained
expression on his face. My bottom lip was quivering, and even though I’d been
trying my hardest to hold back tears, I felt a few of them slipping down my
cheeks.

“Is that what you really want?” His heartbroken eyes
stared into mine and his voice sounded hoarse. “For us to be over? Just like
that?”

“Yes.”

He sucked in a deep breath and exhaled. For the
first time since I’d known him, he didn’t look like he was calm and in control;
he looked completely powerless.

He reached around me and twisted the doorknob,
slowly pulling the door open, looking at me like I’d just crushed his soul.
“Bye.”

“I’m so sorry, Jonathan...I just think that—”

“
Bye
.”

I swallowed. I turned away from him and rushed down
the hall, onto an open elevator. I pressed “lobby” and prayed that the doors
would shut as soon as possible, that he wouldn’t follow me and squeeze in at
the last moment.

He didn’t.

I was free.

C
laire

Eight
weeks ago...

I walked into Dutchman’s, a small gift shop on the
eastern docks, and followed Ashley and Caroline around. They’d insisted on
coming with me to help pick out a birthday present for Jonathan, even though
they hadn’t met him yet.

We’d been shopping up and down the pier all day, but
we hadn’t had much luck.

“If you would let us
meet
whoever this guy
is, this would be a whole lot easier.” Ashley picked up a plastic fish and
smiled. “Does he like fish?”

“A hundred boxes of sardines, maybe?” Caroline
shrugged.

Ugh...
“I’ll take a
look around...” I walked towards the back of the store and stopped once I caught
a view of the ocean from the windows.

“Breathtaking isn’t it?” An older brunette stood
next to me and smiled. She was dressed in an all-white suit that perfectly
complemented her thin frame, and her hair was neatly swept into a high bun. Her
eyes were stark blue with light wisps of gray, and they looked slightly
familiar for some reason. 

“Very...” I said. “What do you do when it rains
though?” I noticed that the window was broken and the coverings desperately
needed to be replaced. 

“Well, we’re getting a brand new window next week,
but as far as the coverings go...I don’t know. We still want people to see the
view, rain or shine.”

“You should get bamboo shades—not the yellow ones
because they’ll fade after six months. Get the brown ones with the smooth
finish; it’ll look more authentic and bring out the earth tones in this room.”

Her eyes sparkled and she reached out to shake my
hand. “I’m Denise.”

“Claire.”

“Well Claire, I was thinking more along the lines of
the basic, plastic white blinds because they’re dirt cheap, but I’ll keep that
in mind if this place ever makes a profit.” She laughed. “May I help you with
something?”

“I’m looking for a birthday gift for someone I’m
dating and I’m not sure what to get him...”

“I take it that this man loves yachts?”

I nodded.

“Come over here to the front then, honey.” She led
me to the counter. “Now, there are many things you could get a man who loves
yachts, but if he knows his stuff, you have to get it right. How serious are
you two?”

I blushed. “I don’t know... I—”

“So,
pretty serious
.” She smiled. “I have
just the thing for that.” She disappeared into a side room for several minutes
and came back with a pretty brown box, sliding it to me. “This is what you
want.”

“Mini metal anchors?”

She burst into laughter. “No, dear. These are
sea
hooks
. They symbolize that you’re in it for the long haul, that you
are—figuratively speaking, anchoring his ship. You get them personalized
however you want, and if he knows his yachts like he’s supposed to, he’ll have
the hooks welded onto his ship’s
real
anchor. This will be perfect.”

I rummaged through the box of hooks and pulled out a
few golden ones, running my hands along their pointy ends. “I’ll take them.”

“You’ll take
what
?” “What are those things,
mom?” “You’re getting your boyfriend
toy anchors
?” “What type of guy is
this?”

Denise shook her head. “There’s a logic behind it
girls, I promise. How would you like them personalized, Claire?”

“Well...How about my name on the bottom of the hooks
and his name on the side corners?”

“Sounds great.” She took a pen from behind her ear
and wrote on a pad. “And what is your boyfriend’s name?”

“Jonathan.”

“Oh! I have a son named Jonathan. It’s a
great
name
!” She laughed. “Write down your number so I can call you when they’re
ready, okay? And trust me, he’ll
love
them.”

––––––––

Six
weeks ago

I
stepped off
the elevator and walked over to Jonathan’s secretary. “Good afternoon, Angela.
Is Mr. Statham available?”

She looked at me
with a “Why are you even asking me that” expression and picked up her phone.
“Mr. Statham? I have...” She rolled her eyes. “It’s
Miss Gracen
, sir...Right
away. You can go in now, Miss Gracen.”

“Thank you.”

I smoothed my
navy blue dress and opened the door, slowly walking inside. As soon as
Jonathan’s eyes met mine, I smiled and felt butterflies fluttering around in my
stomach. 

“Good
afternoon.” He walked over and kissed me on the cheek. “You look
amazing
...”
He led me over to the older brunette I’d seen weeks ago at Dutchman’s. “This is
my mother, Denise Statham. And mother, this is—”

“Claire.” She
smiled and reached out for my hand.

I was about to
say, ‘It’s nice seeing you again,’ but she said, “It’s a pleasure to
finally
meet you.” I guessed he’d told her about me and she probably didn’t remember me
ever being in her shop.

“You’re
absolutely
gorgeous
...” she said. “Jonathan’s very lucky to have you.”

“Thank you, Mrs.
Statham.”

“I’ll see you
next week, son.” She hugged Jonathan and walked out of the office.

As soon as he
heard the ping of the elevator, he pulled me into his arms. “Is
something wrong? Are you sick? It must be something fatal if you came up here
during the hours when people might actually
see
you.”

I rolled my
eyes. “We just wrapped up the
s
Tablet so Mr. Barnes is letting us go
home early. My phone died so I figured I’d come tell you that before you
thought I was ignoring you.”

“Good decision.
I would take you out to lunch to celebrate, but I’m booked with meetings until
six. Dinner? There’s a new bistro down at—”

“Mr. Statham? I
hate to bother you again, but Miss Griffin is here with an
emergency
.”
Angela’s voice came over the intercom. “She says it can’t wait another second.”

He sighed and
stepped back. “Wait here. Don’t go anywhere.” He pulled out a chair for me and
walked out of the room.

I leaned back in
the chair and shut my eyes. I was thrilled to be done with the strenuous
s
Tablet
campaign and I couldn’t wait to move on to something much easier: the
s
Phone
red.

I stretched my
legs out and heard the jangling of keys. I opened my eyes and saw Denise
walking back into the room.

“I’m sorry,
Jonathan. I forgot my—” She stopped. “Where’s Jonathan?”

“He left for an
emergency.”

“Hmmm.” She
walked over to the couch and picked up a pair of glasses. “Tell me something,
Claire...How old are you?”

“Forty...”

Her eyes widened
and she tilted her head to the side. “Well, now I know the true meaning of
‘looks can be deceiving’...Is
my
Jonathan the Jonathan you bought those
sea hooks for?”

Clearly...
“Yes.”

“Well, between
me and you, I wouldn’t waste my time giving those to him. They don’t stand for
short-term relationships.”

“Excuse me?”

She sighed.
“When his friend Vanessa told me that his girlfriend was a forty year old with
two kids I didn’t believe it...I thought to myself, ‘No, Jonathan would never
date someone who was
that much
older than him. He knows better.’ I even
wondered what I would say to this woman if I ever had the chance to meet her...
And I think my exact words were
fuck off
.”

What?
My mind went
blank.

“Whatever is
going on between the two of you isn’t going to last another season and you know
it.” She hissed. “What young, attractive
billionaire
wants to live his
life with an aging woman and her two teenaged kids? In what world is that
happily ever after possible?”

I wasn’t sure
what it was about this woman, but she was scaring the living shit out of me and
I couldn’t come up with anything to say.

“I’ve seen this
all before, Claire.” She narrowed her icy blue eyes at me. “Divorced woman with
kids wants to start her life over and decides to go for the younger man this
time around. The rehab center is full of those types...The older woman thinks
it’s exciting and new; that she’s one of the lucky ones and it’ll last forever,
but
it won’t
—especially not with someone like Jonathan. He’s used to
dating
supermodels
and
actresses
who are
younger than him
,
not thirsty cougars who want to trick him into thinking he’s in love so they
can get his money.”

“Mrs. Statham,
I’m not—”

“And before you
think otherwise about the way this so-called “relationship” you two have is
going to end, let me help you figure it out: He’ll probably never meet your
daughters because he’s only into you for
sex
. Or if he has met them, it
was only to put on a show and act like he cares when he really doesn’t. But,
oh
...
What’s
this
?” She gave me a sarcastic frown. “He
hasn’t
met them has he?”

My poker face
was failing me. I could feel a look of sadness sliding onto my cheeks.

She smiled.
“Hasn’t even asked to, huh? Poor cougar Claire...That’s actually not shocking at
all, but it must be quite disheartening for you. Truth hurts, doesn’t it?”

“Mrs. Statham—”

“Us
middle-aged
people don’t have to call each other by our formal titles, Claire. You should
be calling me
Denise
. Then again, you shouldn’t really be around in the
first place, so—”

“I don’t think
antagonizing me will get you any closer to Jonathan.” I said as firmly as I
could. 

“You’re right.
Getting
rid of you
will.”

I rolled my
eyes. I was going to tell Jonathan about this little encounter as soon as he
walked back into the room.

Denise shook her
head and turned away, but then she spun back around. “By the way, if you even
think
about telling him about this—if you repeat any of what I said to you, I’ll make
sure you regret it.”

“Do your worst.”
My personality was finally re-surfacing.

She laughed.
“Don’t underestimate me, Claire. You’d be amazed at what types of people end up
in rehab: Former judges, celebrities, and my favorite—
ousted news reporters
who are always looking for the right story to get their jobs back.”

“You don’t have
anything on me.”

“
I
don’t.
But there’s someone on the company board here who does. You must have really
pissed her off because she’s been crafting this little story for a
while...Remember, it doesn’t have to
be
true, it just has to
look
true. So, think about that before you open your mouth. In the meantime, figure
out a quick way—a
two week
way, to break up with my gullible son before
I do it for you.” She slid her glasses over her eyes and walked out of the
room. 

I sat back in my
chair and thought long and hard about what she could possibly have on me. I’d
never been arrested, never been to rehab, never done anything that would scare
me if it was brought to the light.

“I’m so sorry
about that.” Jonathan walked back into the room. He pulled me out of my chair
and smiled. “What was I saying before?”

“Dinner...” I
murmured. I wasn’t going to go. I needed to use tonight to think about what his
mother had said to me, to make sure she didn’t have anything that could hurt
me. I figured I’d use the same “time with my daughters” line since he always
bought that. 

“Right. There’s
a new restaurant down at Fisherman’s Wharf and I’d love to—”

“Rain check? I
promised the girls that I would make pasta tonight. Maybe we can—”

“I like pasta.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll
bring the leftovers to work tomorrow. Do you want me to pack parmesan cheese
with—”

“I can’t come
over and have dinner with you and your family?”

What?
“Um...”

“
Um
?” He
narrowed his eyes at me. “What type of answer is that?”

“You want to
meet my daughters?”

“Do they know I
exist?”

I nodded.

“Then what’s the
problem?”

“Nothing...” I
decided that his mother was full of shit. “Dinner is at seven.”

––––––––

Jonathan’s
Birthday

I
gazed into Jonathan eyes as he gazed back into
mine. We were sitting at a table in Sierra Mar—sharing our own special silence,
talking without saying a word. Even though Hayley was sitting across from us,
it felt like we were the only people in the room.

I heard her asking me questions—“Have you always
lived in San Fran?” “Are your daughters coming here with us tonight?” “How did
you manage to keep this dinner a secret from my brother all this time?”—but all
I could say in return was “Not always,” “Not tonight,” and “Umm hmm.”

I couldn’t focus on anything else but the beautiful
man sitting next to me. I was still entranced by the hour long “scenic route” we’d
taken before we came to dinner, wishing that it hadn’t come to an end.

“Excuse me.” A
waitress touched my shoulder, snapping me out of my trance. She placed a three
layer cupcake in the center of the table and struck a match that made the
starry sparklers dance in lively flames.

“Happy Birthday,
Jonathan.” I smiled.

“Are you going
to blow out the candles or are you going to wait until your cake catches fire?”
Hayley shook his shoulder. “Hello!”

“What?” He took
his eyes off me and looked down at the cupcake in awe. He blew out the candles
in one breath and looked at me again. “I didn’t know they served cupcakes
here...”