Midsummer's Eve (26 page)

Why was I suddenly nervous enough to crawl out of my own skin
and
why was
my heart pounding against my chest hard enough to crack a rib
? I leaned back in the rocker, took a deep, calming breath and blurted, “Okay, let’s do this. Let me see. Where to begin? For starters, I always choose th
e wrong man. Always. Always. It’
s a life long pattern. The less they have to offer, the more I am inexplicably drawn to them. What else? Oh! I often get accused of being a controlling bitch. Imagine that.”

I caught myself reaching for
a thread hanging below
the curtain, but fortunately stopped myself in time. “I left my husband, who treated me like a queen, for a raging alcoholic. In every relationship since, I end up getting hurt and moving on to another man identical to the previous one. It’s a vicious cy
cle that I would love to break.”

“You poor thing.” She frowned, patted my hands and moved to stand behind my c
hair. “
I promise to do my best to get you to
understand
why you allow this
to keep happening
over and over
in your life.”

“Good luck.”
You’re going to need it! Closing my eyes I decid
ed to humor her. I had spilled a minute portion of my
guts, now the rest was up to her. Bless her!

Now the part where she put me under is still a little sketchy, so much for humori
ng her. And it happened so fast!
All I really remember is her standing behind me and rubbing my temples and constantly talking to me in a soothing voice. She kept talking and talking and saying words that I can’t remember in a comforting tone, while she massaged my temples. I thought they were supposed to swing a pendulum in front of your eyes or something?
Shows what I know.

I remember she had me floating around on a magic carpet, of all things!
Yep, a large red magic carpet.
I gracefully soared over the town,
the town water tower,
the elementary school,
my house, Dad’s garden and Rocky River. Then, close to my ear, I heard Marilyn tell me to fly to my favorite spot. Whe
re was my favorite spot? I didn’t have a clue.
My bed? No. Myrtle Beach? No.
Adam
’s
house? No. Charleston
, South Carolina
? No.

Yes, I did!

Suddenly, I remembered my favorite spot as a child. It was underneath the umbrella of a huge oak tree on a peninsula of land between the banks of the Pee Dee and Rocky Rivers. I had spent many contented hours as a child there, reading my cherished books.

Ever obedient, using mind control I guess, I steered my carpet toward the tree and hovered over the branches. Then, without any instructions from me, my carpet slowly floated down to the ground and landed with a gentle stirring of air. I left the carpet and sat with my back against the tree and gazed out at the peaceful river
meandering by on a slow current
.
Shoot, why didn’t I
bring a book.
I hadn’t felt this calm in…forever.
What now?

Marilyn
was nowhere around but her words in my ear
instructed me to take 4 deep breaths and exhale them s
lowly. After I did, she asked, “
Are you relaxed,
Eve
?”

“Yes.”
Actually I felt very relaxed at the moment, a
lthough, I sincerely doubted that I even understood the
true
meaning of the word.

“Describe the sky to me.”

I glanced up and
gasped, cringing
in absolute horror at what I saw heading toward me. The sky looked terrifying! How had I missed such a massive approaching storm when I was floating through the clouds on my carpet?

“
I see black masses of angry clouds boiling acro
ss the sky. It’
s
getting
so dark, I can barely see my hand in front of me. Lightening is flashing in every direction and rain is coming. I want to leave now
, Marilyn. Before it gets here!”

“The tree will shelter you and keep you safe.”

“A tree isn’t going to protect me from that! Are you crazy!” I shrieked. “Ouch! So
mething is hitting me. Ouch! It’
s hail!” I looked for somewhere to run. I had to run!

Run,
Eve
, run!

I heard Marilyn
’s soft, reassuring voice again.
“
The tr
ee leaves will shelter you, won’
t they,
Eve
?”

“
Hell no, they won’t shelter me! Ouch! Get me out of here, Marilyn!”

There was no place to run! I grabbed the carpet and held it over my head for protection from the hail. Where was Marilyn? Why would she hypnotize me and send me out here alone in a severe thunderstorm? “Marilyn,” I screamed, “Help me!”

Then the wind picked up, but it wasn’t a normal wind. It was
a
hurricane force wind. I opened my eyes against the debris being blown into my face and that’s when I saw the funnel cloud stretching toward the water.

Oh, my dear God! It was a tornado!

Tree limbs were braking off and becoming airborne and shooting by me like missiles. What limbs remained on the trees were bending and swaying almost to the ground as the leaves swirled viciously in every direction. The ferocious wind had me pressed back against the tree and I was unable to move.

“How does the water in the river look?” I heard Marilyn’s calm voice murmur close to my ear. I forced my head to one side, but she wasn’t there.

“Whitecaps! There are whitecaps everywhere!” Huge waves sloshed up on the
riverbank at my feet. I couldn’
t run. I couldn’t even move. I was sure the funnel cloud would soon snatch me up and carry me to Oz. Then somehow, through sheer force of will, I turned my body enough to wrap my arms around the trunk of the tree. I held on for dear life crying, “Help! Help! Somebody, please, help!”

“
A man hurt you didn’
t he,
Eve
?”

What? Where was Marilyn? And why
on earth was she wasting precious time talking about something like
that
at a time like this.
“
No!” I shouted, just to get her to concentra
te on the problem at hand. Like… oh…
say
…
the tornado! “Nobody hurt me!”

“
Look at that tree across from you,
Eve
. Do you see the tree with t
he picture frame hanging on it?”

“
No! It’
s raining and
hail is bouncing off my head,
and there is a tornado! I can’
t see anything!”

“Walk over to the tree with the picture frame,
Eve
.”

“Are you crazy? I can’
t walk! I would be b
lown to the next state if I
tried! The wind is too strong! Make it go away! Please, make it go away!”

“Walk over to the picture frame,
Eve
.”

“I can’
t!” I screamed to the top of my lungs, fed up with her apparent picture frame fascinati
on. “Don’t you understand? I can’
t move against the wind! It’s too strong!”

“Yes. You can! It’
s the only way to make the storm go away.”

Now she tells me. Couldn’t we have focused on the picture before the storms arrival?

More terrified than I had ever been, I slowly released my death grip on the tree. Somehow, I obeyed her and fought against the howling wind, torrential rain and pounding hail, that was cutting into my scalp, to stand in front of the tree. The picture frame was nailed to it and flapping wildly in the wind.

“
Eve
, look at the picture
and describe wha
t
you see
.”

I could barely make out the picture as it danced against the tree in the punishing wind and driving rain and she wanted me to do a report on it. But she
had
said it was
the only way to stop the storm. S
o I wiped the rain from my eyes, leaned into it and put my
hands on each side of my eyes. “
I see a little girl with golden curls.”

“
How old
is she?”

Lightening struck a tree that was only a few feet away and split the trunk down the middle. Booming thun
der that sounded like
cannons firing filled the air.
One glance toward the river assured me that it was rising fast
.

“I don’t know!
She lo
oks to be about four years old!”

“
Who is the little girl,
Eve
?”

“I don’
t kno
w!
”

“Look closely,
Eve
. Who is she?”

“I told you!” I cried, as muddy, debris filled water
began to swirl
around my feet. “I don’
t know! Stop asking me! I don’t know who she is!”

“Yes, you do,
Eve
! Look closely at the little girl! Tell me who she is?”

A wave rushed up on the riverbank and this time water surged around my knees. The current was too strong. I was going to drown
! It was all over for me.
I might as well be honest. I knew exactly who the litt
le girl in the picture was. “It’
s me! I am
the little girl in the picture!”

“
Yes,
Eve
, it’s you. Something happened to you when you were four years old. Do you remember what happened to you,
Eve
?”

“No!” I turned and tried to run, but the wind and water pinned me against the tree and I saw another massive wave building in the river.
“I don’t remember! I don’
t remember! Leave me alo
ne! P
lease
! Somebody please
help me!”

Then
I heard Marilyn’s voice in my ear.
“Turn around and look at the little girl,
Eve
.”

“No! Leave me alone! Just get me out of here! I don’t want to die! I don’t want to be here. I just want to go home!”

“
Eve
, what happened to the little girl?”

I would do it if it
would
make
her shut up about the little girl
for two seconds and
concentrate on getting
me the hell out of
t
here.
I turned and looked into the little blonde haired girls sad, troubled eyes. They were not the happy, mischievous eyes of a typical four year old. She had experienced far too many of life’s atrocities
at such a tender
impressionable age. As I watched, a silent tear mixed with the rain and coursed slowly down her plump, rosy cheek.

And suddenly I remembered!

Oh God!

I remembered!

“
He put something in her mouth and it’s c
hoking her! She can’
t breathe!
Help her! Help her! She can’
t breathe!”

“
He p
ut his penis in her mouth. Didn’
t he,
Eve
.”

“Yes.”

“What else?”

“
He held her head
so she couldn’
t move
! She couldn’
t breathe! Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!”

“What else did he do,
Eve
?”

“He put something between her legs!
It hurts! It hurts! Get it out! Please get it out!
”

    
             
I heard screams of unearthly pa
in and guttural moans, but didn’
t know where they were coming from. Was it the little girl? Bless her
precious little
heart! She was filled with so much pain. The screaming seemed to go on for hours and hours, until the little girl lost her voice and could barely whisper. And then a strong gust of wind came and knocked the picture frame from the tree. It hit a floating log and shattered into a million pieces. I watched as the little girls sad face was swept aw
ay by the raging
river
.

“Go back to your tree,
Eve
. He’s gone. The man who hurt you is gone forever. He can never hurt you again. And we are going to rid your body of all the
filth that he filled you with.”

The wind had calmed and the rain had slowed to a light drizzle. The water was receding into the river. I looked down and saw that I was holding a shiny new tin bucket with a handle.

“
You are going to start
to vomit
,
Eve
. You will purge all
the evil, until there is not a t
race of him left inside of you.”

Immediately, I felt a rumble in my stomach and felt bile rising in my throat. I
held my head over the bucket as my
vomit splashed against the bottom of the bucket, copious amounts of vomit spewing from my nose and mouth. When my vomiting slowed enough for me to open my eyes, I looked and wa
s mortified to see that it wasn’
t vomit spilling out of my mouth. Much to my absolute disgust it was feces. Oh, dear God!

“
Eve
, when the bucket is full dump
the contents in the river.”

I filled the bucket several times and emptied it in the river. Each time I was sure that nothing was left, more would rise in my throat and gush forth. I emptied the last bucket and stood gazing out across the calm river.

“
Is it all gone,
Eve
?”

“I think so
.”
I barely had the energy to speak and my throat felt raw.

“
Good. Now
sit back down and put your b
ack against your favorite tree.”

“Okay.”

“Describe the sky to me.”

“C
lear blue sky with white fluffy clouds, and bright sunlight streaming through
the trees and reflecting off
the water. Look, I see a bal
d eagle soaring over the river
!”

“
Yes, clear blue skies,
Eve
. How do you feel?”

I thought about that for a moment, and said, “Empty.”

“Sit down on your m
agic carpet and come back here.”

I did as I was told.

“
When I snap my fingers you will awaken and remember everything,” Marilyn whispered in my ear as I settled back into the rocking chair.

She snapped her fingers and I
woke up
and looked around me. My shirt felt wet and sticky. I was too mortified to glance down at my clothes. Oh! The embarrassment and total humiliation of sitting before her with clothes covered in fecal matter.

And how must my mouth and teeth look? Sur
prisingly, I didn’
t have a horrible taste in my mout
h. Even more surprising, I didn’
t feel the urge to run. I only wanted clean clothes and a toothbrush.

Gathering my courage, my hands flew to the buttons on my shirt to rip it off and get that degradation over with as quickly as possible. “Could I borrow a shirt from you, Marilyn? I will return it later, I promise. I don’t want to ride home with. . . ”

“Your shirt is fine,
Eve
.”

Was she crazy? I glanced down with a blazing face and was completely astonished to find my shirt soaked through and through with tears. Nothing more. Relief washed over me in a flood as I raked trembling fingers through my hair and tried to pull myself together.  I had cried so much that it hurt to speak and my voice cracked in my throat when I did,
but I forced a few words out. “I remember.”

“
Yes, you do. You remember what happened to you,
Eve
. Now we know why you always chose the wrong man and had to be in control at all times
. You couldn’
t do anything to protect yourself from the man who hurt you. You had no control over the situati
on or what he was doing to you.
Then,
as an adult,
you finally had con
trol of your life and you weren’
t about to relinquish that control to anyone else. Now you can release the shame that you have carried all these years. The shame of what he did to you. He hurt you,
Eve
. You were four years old and there was absolutely nothing you could have done to stop him.”
             

“In your past relationships,
because of your shame, you didn’
t feel worthy of a decent man who would love you and care for you and only you. You only allowed yourself to get involved with men who you knew would treat you badly and hurt you in the end. You thought that was what you deserved, so that is the type of man
you sought. But now that all
the ugliness and shame have been emptied out of your body, you can move on with your life, and hopefully
meet a man worthy of your love.”

“I can only pray that you are right.” I smiled, stood s
hakily and hugged her
. “
Thank yo
u, Marilyn.”

“
You’
re welcome. How do you feel
now
,
Eve
?”

“I’m
…
not sure,” I answered, truthfully. I didn’
t know how I felt. I felt drained for sure, and different somehow.

The cows lowed and the dogs barked as I returned to the Jeep.

I drove home with my mind racing. With Marilyn’s help I had skimmed the surface of the molestation that had occurred when I was four, but I needed more answers and there was only one person who could give them to me. I pulled into my driveway and walked to my mom’s house next door.

She was at the stove stirring fried potatoes
in one cast iron skillet
and
fried
okra
in another
. “You must have smelled it
cooking
. I’ll be putting supper on the table in a few minutes.”

“Good. I’
m starving.” I was ravenous and the food smelled delicious. I lifted the lid on the
third
cast iron skillet on the back burner and found fried chicken browning.

Can you tell cholesterol ain’
t a thang in our family? I
know! I know! It is one of life’
s greatest hazards! However, my grandmother is 96 years old and to hear her tell it she was raised on, “fried okrie, fried taters, pinto beans, cornbread and fat back,” and is still as feisty as she was 20 years a
go
.

“You look like you have something on your mind,
Eve
.”

I never could keep a secret from Mom. I walked over and hugged her from b
ehind and said, “I do, Mom. What happened to me
when I was four.”

    
             
Her hand stopped stirring in mid air and she turned to face me with a troubled countenance. “You remember,
don’
t you?”

“A little bit.”

She pushed the pans off the burners and taking my hand let me to the table and pulled out two chairs. Her eyes were worried and tears threatened to spill. “What do you remember?”

“Just bits and pieces. I want to hear the whole story.”

It looked like I was going to have to pull teeth to get it. She reached
for my hands and pleaded, “Let’
s don't bring all of this back out in the open,
Eve
. It’
s been over forty-five years since it happened. Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.”

“It’
s time to euthanize the dogs, Mom.” I looked into her eyes and begged, “Please, just tell me.”

Tears spilled down her cheeks and she came around to sit beside me. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“Yes, Mom. I do.”

She took a deep, steadying
breath and I feared
she migh
t change her mind, but she didn’
t. “Mitch and Melissa (my older brother and sister) was already in school and I had to go to work to help make ends meet. Them days was hard times. It was a struggle just to keep you younguns fed. Anyway, I hired one of the neighborhood boys, Samuel, to watch you when your grandma had to work in the field. He was a good boy, from a good family.
I just never would have thought..
.”

“It’s okay, Mom. Just continue with the story.”

“Well, you took to crying and carrying on something awful when I would leave you with him. One day at work I got to thinking about it and it just like to drove me crazy worrying about you. I knew I couldn’t work another lick, until I made sure you was safe. I didn’t have a car then, so I got a fixer at the mill to drop me off at the end of our driveway. The more I walked down that driveway the more worried I become, until I was running.”

She paused, took a deep breath and dropped her face in her hands. “I heard you choking and gagging before I ever reached the house. I loo
ked in the window and that
nasty buzzard was forcing his… thing in your little mouth.”

Tears dropped from her eyes onto one of her floral placemats as she continued, “I went around through the kitchen and grabbed my cast iron skillet and come up behind him and brung it down on his head over and over and over. He was bleeding from his nose, his ears, and his mouth. When he turned around I hit him in the face with the frying pan and then brought it up between his legs to his grind with every ounce of strength in me. I never heard such screaming in all my days. I thought I had killed him.
Least ways
I hoped I had.”

“I picked you up and held you all day, all night and all the next day. I never left you with anyone again and I didn’t go back to work until you started school. I didn’t care how much we had to struggle or how many jobs your daddy had to work to make ends meet and put food on the table.”

“Did you turn Samuel in to the police?” I desperately needed to know if my molester had at least paid for the injustice of ruining my life.

“No. I knowed if I told your daddy he would kill Samuel and spend the rest of his life in prison. Samuel had already done his harm; I didn’t want to add to it by making you grow up without your daddy. Oh, Samuel suffered, you can believe that. He lost all of his front teeth and hearing in one ear and I strongly doubt he was ever able to father children. I know that ain’t nothing compared to what you suffered.”

She wiped at the tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I never would let myself dwell on what he di
d to you, cause I knowed I’d
go crazy if I did. So, I never told a living soul. Back then we didn’t know the lasting harm that something like that could cause a child.”

“What happened to Samuel?” I prayed that he wasn’t still in the area.

“We never saw hide nor hair of him again. He had no way of knowing that I didn’t tell your daddy what he done to you
, so he left town thinking your daddy
was after him. His mama said he moved to California to live and work with an uncle who owned a tire recapping business out there.”

“And probably to continue molesting children, if
he was physically able.”

“I prayed every night that he didn’t.” A faraway look came into her eyes
and she held my hands as
her
tears
continued unchecked
. “You weren’t never the same after that day,
Eve
. You didn’t play any
more. You always sat under a shade tree with a picture book and watched the other children play. You never would join in. And if a stranger come to the house you rode my shirttail until he left.”

“Didn’
t the others notice the change in me?”

“Yes, they did. They always said you was different from other children and that you was
more interested in books
than pl
aying. Your daddy was always
bringing new books home for you. He would read it to you a couple of times and then you would climb in his lap a
t night and read it to him. Don’
t you remember when you started school you was already reading? How proud we all was of you?”