Midsummer's Eve (5 page)

“
She is my
…
housekeeper,”
he had the nerve to stammer, while at the same time applying his most charmin
g and convincing smile. However
,
his expression conveyed that of a scampering forest creature caught in the headlights of
a speeding, out of control Mini Cooper
. 

His housekeeper? The man’s house was currently in foreclosure and he
was constantly riveted to CNN in hopes that
President Obama would come up with a loan modification program, which actually worked, in time to save his house from the looming auction block. And he expected me to believe that he had been blessed with a sudden windfall, with enough funds having miraculously materialized f
or the hiring of domestic help? Seriously
?

I wondered if her domestic duties included cuddling.
Adam
had a habit of cuddling with me in my bed. Believe me! Cuddling was all we did! He also has a little problem with… well…
let’
s just say his hard drive has been downloaded to a floppy disk.

Needless to say, he had never once mentioned the acquisition of a dust bunny. How much would you care to wager
his housekeeper’
s eyes were of the slanted variety? “Then your house should be quite spotless. Let me in,
Adam
.”

“She hasn’
t started cleaning yet. In fact
…
toda
y is her first day.
She’s only been here a few minutes!”

“That’
s okay, I don’
t ha
ve anything else to do today. I’
ll help her clean. You know, since
I own a cleaning company
! Quite frankly
, I’
m surprised that, since
I
own a cleaning company
, you didn’
t at least come to me for some suggestions on who to hire.”

“Well, I would have. But
…
honestly
…
she just up and volunteered to do it.”

Oh! So residents of the red light district rendered their services for free nowadays. I was standing on the precipice of losing my last remaining thread of composure right there on his front porch in front of God and fellow countrymen.

“That w
as really generous of her, wasn’
t it? Anyway, let me in. I need to check out her cleaning supplies and ask if she has any tried and true remedies for that nasty bathtub grout.”

Obviousl
y
there was
n’
t a bottle of 409 on the premises
.
“Oh! I forgot…
today’s not her cleaning day. She happened to be in the neighborhood, so she stopped by to bring me a plate of food. Look at me,
Eve
! I was asleep!” He yawned mightily as further proof.

He had been asleep, that much was true. But did it
prove a thing? Nope. Sure didn’
t. For no matter how long she had been there
,
one glaring fact remained. She was there! 

“I’
ll just bet she
did
stop by to bring you something to eat.” All pretenses flew out the window as I spat vehemently, “Did it smell like fish?”

“No,
Eve
.” He shook his head vigorously from
side to side and sighed a
heartfelt sigh before continuing with his monotonous drive
l. “You’
ve got it all wrong! It’
s not like that at all!”

Then please be so kind as to rectify any misguided illusions, before you incite me to the violence that I am trying so hard to suppress! “Okay, since I have the situation all wrong,
Adam
, let’s try to clarify a few things. You did say you were asleep, right? So how on earth did she get in? Does she perchance have her own key?”

“No,
Eve
! She doesn’
t have a key!”

I could almost hear
the clanking wheels grinding and beginning to spin in his feeble brain.
“
Um…
I must have forgotten and left the door un
locked last night.” H
e jerked toilet paper from the roll and de
cided t
hat now might be the perfect time
to dust cobwebs from the windowsill.
One might have assumed him leaving that tiresome chore for his new goddess of domesticity.
“I heard you knock and op
ened my eyes and there she was.”
Satisfied the windowsill was now dust and cobweb free, where would he direct his nervous energy next? The hard water stains in the toilet bowl?
“Just believe
me this one time.
I’
m telling you the truth, Eve
!”

Truth! Huh! I doubt he could spell the word if it was tattooed on his miniscule dick!

I wondered if I picked up the loose brick on his porch steps, which just so happened to lay a few convenient inches from my fe
et and bashed his skull with it
would my lawyer get me off with the ever-popular crime of passion defense?

“Does she make a habit of strolling into your home uninvited? Perhaps someone should have a discussion with her concerning the rules of decorum in this country. I would be more than happy to assist you with that.”

“No! She doesn’
t!” His voice had risen a couple octaves. Obviously his cage was getting rattled
. “Maybe she knocked and I didn’
t hear
her! Hell, I don’
t know, Eve
!”

The fact that the dimwit considered himself to be both an accomplished liar and master manipulator, and me lacking the mental capacity needed to see through both, perturbed me. Well, actually it annoyed the pure hell out of me! While rest assured neither was an accurate assumpt
ion. I wanted to see the floozy
and a team of wild Clydesdales would have major difficulty dragging me off his front stoop before I did. 

“
Open the door,
Adam
! Please, don’
t say another word! Just open the door!”

“
No,
Eve
! I know how you are! You don’
t think clearly when you’
re mad!”

Ya think? 

Then he put massaging fingers to
his temples leaving me to believe
he was trying to formulate a quick plan to
get his latest cuddle bunny
out of his house with all
her limbs intact. He rubbed his hands over his face and bouncing from one fo
ot to the other pleaded, “
Just let me wake up
, Eve
.”
 

Since the raised window was in his bathroom, he took a moment to
urinate
,
holding his
shriveled member in one hand and his forehead in the other. The first thing he did upon awakening was head to the bathroom. I knew this from past experience. It only confirmed my suspicions that his Merry Maid had arrived much earlier.

My interpre
tation of the situation was
that they had enjoyed an early morning session of erotica and had then fallen blissfu
lly asleep in each other’
s arms, only to be awakened by
my rather persistent knocking.
I glanced down at the loose brick again. Nope. Better keep a tight rein on my
temper.

Adam
finished his business, stalled for
time by washing his hands,
then strode casually to the window. Taking a whiz had evidently drained his brain as well as his
bladder
as he had the unmitigated balls to say, “Here is what you do,
Eve
. You ride up the road and let me get rid of her. Then come back and we can talk." 

What fantasy world did this moron pay property taxes in?
Adam
knew me better than that and I found his proposed scenario to be delusional at best.

“
Now let me tell you what is really going to happen,
Adam
.” I leaned toward the screen, put my nose about an inch from his, and said with every ounce of conviction that I could possibly muster, “I am going to march right out there and sit on the hood of her lovely vehicle and wait until she comes out
.” I issued a silent prayer for forgiveness even as I said this blatant and outrageous lie! Lord knows there wouldn’t be enough Tide With Bleach in the state of North Carolina to get the rust out of my clothes if I slid across that hood!

Adam and Chia both work second shift in the same factory and have for several years. In fact it would seem they had developed such a close working relationship that she had begun stopping by his house almost daily for the proverbial afternoon delight.

It just so happens
that my son’s best friend Justin
also works with Adam an
d Chia and just that morning
had called to
nearly
rip my heart out of my chest by informing me of Adam’s philandering ways. Fortunately for me, Justin had refused to sit idly by and keep quiet regarding Adam’s cheap and tawdry shenanigans. He had gone on to explain how Adam had grown accustomed to leaving his back door unlocked so nymphet Chia could crawl in bed with him after dropping her- few shy of a baseball team - kids off at school. How she had a habit of bringing a home cooked Asian delicacy to work, so they could make goo goo eyes and snuggle together in the canteen while sharing it. How she was wont to eat with her right hand, while her left hand -the one with the wedding band- remained discreetly under the table in the vicinity of his lap. 

“And since we are both painfully aw
are that this confrontation won’
t be pretty, the best thing for you to do is open the door so we can all carry on the pret
ense of being civilized adults.”
However
I promise you, I
couldn’
t recall a single instance when I had felt less barbaric.

“Only if you promise not to cause a scene,
Eve
.” He was
clearly hoping against hope that I could be swayed by the gnawing look of terror in his baby blues.

Nope. I must confess.
I wasn’
t feeling swayed at all.

“You know someone will call the cops. You also know
my neighbor is the sheriff.
”
He was making a failed
attempt at one of his lame and pathetic scare tactics.

“
Adam
, honestly, do you really thi
nk I care?” I kicked
at the loose brick with my shoe.

Don’
t pick it up,
Eve
! Don’
t pick it up!
“You know my parents would sign my bond.” Although I realized
it wouldn’
t be beneficial to my cause,
I couldn’
t help a
dding, “It would make my parent’
s day and be worth a night in jail for the immense pleasure
of going ape shit on your cheating
ass!”

He cast a nervous sideways glance toward the brick with a stricken look that suggested he might be pondering the phrase;
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
. The man’s tedious mind couldn’
t begin to fathom the depths
of just how
scorned I was feeling at the moment.

“Just promise you will take your anger out on me and be civil to her. Unlike you,
Eve
, she’s timid and unaccustomed to drama.”

All I could say was bless her. For the hussy would be well versed in dramatics, to the point of play
ing a starring role
in the re
making of
Fatal Attraction,
when I finished with her. Suddenly, as I was thinking this, my field of vision began to tunnel and jagged white lines
flashed across my pupils.
That was a bad sign, normally signaling the onslaught of a
migraine. Now wouldn’
t that just be the kicker and the height of all embarrassment, if a migraine hit right about now?

I would be forced to lie down on the bed, probably between
Adam
and his latest victim of seduction, pleading with them to close the blinds, turn out the light, and please ke
ep their thrashing to a minimum
until it passed. I put trembling fingers to my temples trying to stave off the blinding pain and noted that while his concern for the harlot was touch
ing, me being civil to her wasn’
t going to happen in this or any other lifetime.

“Okay,” I lied.