Miss Mary Is Scary! (3 page)

Mr. Granite didn't have the chance to teach his math lesson, because it was time for lunch. We walked single file to the vomitorium. Neil the nude kid was the line leader.

I sat with the guys, and we were talking about Halloween. We were all going
as superheroes. I would be Batman. Ryan would be Superman. Michael would be Spider-Man. Neil would be the Invisible Man.

“Who do you think would win in a fight?” Michael asked. “Superman or Batman?”

“Superman would win,” said Ryan. “He could burn Batman up with his heat vision in a second.”

“No way,” I told him. “Batman would pull out a little mirror, and the heat vision would bounce back and burn Superman alive.”

“Superman is invulnerable to heat,” Ryan told me.

“Not if it comes from his own eyes,” I insisted. “It would kill him.”

“Would not.”

“Would too.”

We went back and forth like that for a while. Andrea and her girly friends were at the next table, listening to our
important discussion.

“Boys are dumbheads,” said Andrea.

“Oh, yeah?” I said. “What are
you
dressing up as for Halloween? Beach Blanket Barbie?”

“No,” Andrea replied. “I'm going as Steven Spielberg.”

What?!

“Who's Steven Spielberg?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“He's a famous movie director,” Andrea told us. “I take a moviemaking class after school. My parents even let me use their video camera so I can make my own movies. We're going to put them on YouTube.”

“You should make a movie about Miss
Mary,” said Michael. “It could be a horror movie.”

“Yeah,” Neil said. “She looks like a vampire.”

“Maybe she really
is
a vampire,” I whispered to everybody. “Did you ever think of that? She dresses all in black. She wears black makeup. She's got a pet bat. She even eats blood pudding!”

“Wow!” said Ryan. “I think you might be right, A.J.!”

“Stop trying to scare Emily,” Andrea told me.

“I'm scared,” said Emily, looking all worried.

“Miss Mary probably lives in a cave and sleeps hanging upside down from the ceiling,” I said. “Then she goes out at
night and bites people on the neck and drinks their blood.”

“We've got to
do
something!” Emily yelled, and then she went running out of the room.

Sheesh, get a grip! That girl is such a crybaby.

“I
like
vampires,” Andrea said. “I saw this movie about a vampire. He was really handsome, and all the girls fell in love with him. He looked a little like Zack.”

“Why would girls fall in love with a guy who bites them on the neck and drinks their blood?” I asked.

“Because he's cute!” Andrea said. “Like Zack.”

“You think Zack is cute?” I snorted.

“Arlo, I think you're jealous!” said Andrea, all smiley.

My face started to feel warm.

“I am
not
jealous!” I told her. “If you ask me, Zack looks more like a zombie than a vampire anyway.”

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. is jealous because Andrea thinks Zack is cute. He must be in
love
with her!”

“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

If those guys weren't my best friends, I would hate them.

The next day, first thing in the morning, we had show-and-tell. I brought in some of my Matchbox cars. Ryan brought in a model plane he built from a kit. Andrea brought in her parents' video camera that she uses to shoot movies.

“Okay,” Mr. Granite said after show-
and-tell was over. Now we can
finally
get to our math lesson. Turn to page twenty-three.”

But we didn't get to our math lesson. Because at that moment, guess who climbed in the window?

“Zack!” shouted Mary.

“Mary!” shouted Zack.

“Not
again
!” shouted Mr. Granite. “Don't you ever use the door?”

“I love you!”

“I love you, too!”

Zack and Miss Mary started smooching, like always. Ugh, disgusting!

“They are
so
romantic!” said Andrea.

“Hey, I finished writing my song,” Zack told Miss Mary. “Do you want to hear it?”

“Perhaps you can sing the song
after
school is over,” suggested Mr. Granite. “We really need to work on math.”

“I want to hear Zack's song
now
!” whined Miss Mary.

“So do we!” all the kids shouted.

“If you don't let Zack sing his song,”
Miss Mary told Mr. Granite, “I'm going to tell Daddy you're a bad teacher.”

“Sing the song,” Mr. Granite said, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead.

“Yay!” everybody cheered.

“Can I film you with my video camera?” Andrea asked Zack.

“Sure!” he replied. Then he started rapping:

Zack motioned for us to chant with him….

Then he started rapping:

We all chanted:

Then Zack started rapping again:

We all chanted:

Then Zack started rapping again:

We all chanted:

Then Zack started rapping again:

We all chanted:

Then Zack started rapping again:

Zack took a bow. We all cheered and clapped.

“That song is
awesome
!” Miss Mary told Zack.

“I wrote it just for
you
,” he replied.

“I think I'm going to cry!” said Miss Mary.

“That is
so
romantic!” Andrea said. “Would it be okay if I put this video up on YouTube?”

“Sure,” said Zack. “That would be cool.”

“Okay, can we get back to math now?” Mr. Granite said.

He told us to open our math books to page twenty-three. But at that moment
there were footsteps in the hall.

“It's Mr. Klutz!” Neil the nude kid yelled.

“Hide, Zack!” Miss Mary shouted.

Zack ran into the cloakroom just before Mr. Klutz walked in the room.

“Is everything okay in here?” he asked. “I thought I heard somebody yelling.”

“Uh, we were singing…‘Mary Had a Little Lamb,'” said Mr. Granite.

“That's odd,” said Mr. Klutz. “I thought I heard something about dirt.”

“A song about dirt?” asked Mr. Granite. “That's ridiculous! Why would anybody sing about dirt?”

Mr. Klutz was looking at Mr. Granite.
Mr. Granite looked at Miss Mary. Miss Mary looked at Andrea. Andrea looked at me.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I had to think fast.

“Maybe you're losing your hearing, Mr. Klutz,” I said. “Hearing is a lot like hair. When men get old, they lose it.”

Then I mouthed a few nonsense words without making any noise.

“What did you say, A.J.?” asked Mr. Klutz.

I mouthed some more nonsense words without making any noise.

“Hmmm,” Mr. Klutz said. “Maybe I
am
losing my hearing. I didn't hear a
word you said. I'd better go get my ears checked.”

And then he left.

Everybody said I was a genius for convincing Mr. Klutz that he had hearing problems.
^*
Ryan said I should get the No Bell Prize. That's a prize they give out to people who don't have bells.

The next day was Friday. Mr. Granite didn't start the morning with Word of the Day like he usually does. We didn't do show-and-tell. We didn't even pledge the allegiance. Mr. Granite said he wanted to make sure we had time to work on math.

“Open your math books,” he told us,
“and turn to page twenty-three.”

I took my math book out of my desk. Bummer in the summer! We were actually going to have to do math, the most boring subject in the history of the world.

But that's when Zack climbed in the window.

Yay! No math!

“Zack!” shouted Miss Mary.

“Mary!” shouted Zack.

“Not
again
!” shouted Mr. Granite as he slammed his math book shut. “Zack, what are you doing here
now
? Why don't you save us all some time and go hide in the cloakroom?”

“I love you, Zack!” said Miss Mary.

“I love you, too!” said Zack.

They started smooching, of course. Ugh, disgusting!

“Those two are
so
romantic!” said Andrea.

“I'm sorry to interrupt your class, Mr. Granite,” Zack said. “But I had to come in. I have big news!”

“Zack has a big nose,” I whispered to Ryan.

“What is it?” we all asked. Mr. Granite sat at his desk. He looked tired.

“Y'know the video that Andrea shot of me singing ‘I Love Dirt'?” Zack said.

“Yes,” said Andrea. “My mom helped me upload it to YouTube after school yesterday.”

“Well, it went viral!” Zack exclaimed.

“It went viral! It went viral! It went viral!” everybody started yelling.

Huh? What the heck does
that
mean? Going viral doesn't sound good. I had a virus once, and it made me throw up.

“Did you throw up?” I asked Zack.

“Going viral means that thousands of people saw the video!” Andrea said excitedly.

“Actually,” Zack said, “
millions
of people saw it. Not only that, but last night I got a call from the producer of
Saturday Night Live
! He loved ‘I Love Dirt'! He wants to fly me and Fish Food to New York so we can perform it on the show tomorrow night!”

“You're kidding me!” Miss Mary said, jumping up and down.

“I'm not kidding you!” said Zack, jumping up and down with her.

“You're joking!”

“I'm not joking!”

They went back and forth like that for a while. But finally, Zack convinced Miss Mary that it was true. Fish Food would be flying to New York to perform “I Love Dirt” on
Saturday Night Live
.

“That's wonderful, Zack!” Miss Mary yelled.

Everybody in the class was freaking out, jumping up and down and going crazy.

Well, everybody except Mr. Granite. He didn't look very happy. There was no way we were going to be doing any math for the rest of the day.