Miss Mary Is Scary! (5 page)

Zack and Miss Mary decided to get married on Halloween, and Mr. Klutz said they could have the wedding right in our school playground. He even got our crossing guard, Mr. Louie, to marry them because he used to be a judge.

It was a great day. All the teachers and
parents were there. Even the vacuum cleaner guy was there. All the kids, of course, came to school in their costumes.

First we had a big parade around the block. There were cowboys, and pumpkins, and spacemen, and superheroes, and witches, and goblins. All the parents were taking pictures and videos. Then we had a big candy party in the playground. I stuffed my face with chocolate.

After the party Mr. Klutz told everybody to sit down on chairs that were set up near the monkey bars. I sat with the guys. Andrea and her girly friends sat in the row behind us.

Mr. Louie stood in front of everybody. Zack marched halfway down the aisle next to Mr. Klutz. They were all dressed up in black tuxedos. Then our music teacher, Mr. Loring, started playing that “Here Comes the Bride” song on an organ.

Miss Mary came down the aisle in a white gown. Yes, it was
white
! All the girls were oohing and ahhing at how pretty she looked. Zack took Miss Mary's hand,
and they walked the rest of the way down the aisle together. Everybody got quiet. You could hear a pin drop.
^*

“Dearly beloved,” Mr. Louie said, “we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…”

He said a bunch of lovey-dovey stuff, but I wasn't paying attention. Mr. Louie went on and on for like a million hundred minutes, until he finally said…

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

Zack and Miss Mary started smooching. It was a real Kodak moment, even though kissing is disgusting.

“Isn't this romantic, Arlo?” Andrea
whispered to me. “Maybe when we grow up, you and I will get married.”

“Over my dead body,” I replied.

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. just agreed to marry Andrea after he's dead! They must be in
love
!”

“When is your dead body gonna get married?” asked Michael.

After the wedding was over, Mr. Klutz got up on the stage.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce my favorite band…Fish Food!”

Zack and his band got up onstage.

“I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt!” Zack started chanting.

We all started chanting “I love dirt” while Zack rapped the rest of the song. He was running around and jumping up and down. It was cool.

Zack handed the microphone to Mr. Klutz, and he started yelling into it:

“I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt!”

Then Zack pulled the vacuum cleaner guy up on the stage and handed him the microphone.

“I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt! I love dirt!”

All the kids were jumping up and down. The teachers were dancing. Zack and the vacuum cleaner guy started playing bongos on Mr. Klutz's head. It was hilarious. Everybody was going nuts. And we got to see it live and in person.

You should have been there!

After it was all over, Fish Food and Zack and Miss Mary got into their tour bus. It said
JUST MARRIED
on it. Somebody had tied a bunch of cans and stuff to the back bumper. What's up with that? Then they all waved good-bye and drove away. Mr. Klutz had tears in his eyes. Everybody else
was really happy. Especially Mr. Granite.

That's when I realized something. I had to go to the bathroom
really
badly!

I was going to wait until I got home, but it was an emergency. I went into the school and ran down the hall to the boys' bathroom.

“Is anybody in here?” I asked as I pushed open the door, just to be on the safe side. I wasn't taking any chances, ever since the last time.

There was nobody in the bathroom. I went into one of the stalls. I did what I had to do and flushed the toilet. But that's when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

The toilet
next to mine
flushed!

I figured they must be testing out the new automatic toilets again. I looked under the wall into the stall next to mine. And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what I saw in there.

It was a ghost!

A ghost was sitting on the toilet! I was freaking out!

“Who…are…you?” I asked.

“Who do I look like?” the ghost said. “I'm a ghost.”

“You're a
real
ghost?”

“Of course I'm a real ghost,” the ghost said.

“I didn't know ghosts use the bathroom,” I said.

“Now you know,” said the ghost.

“Do you eat kids for lunch?” I asked.

“No.”

“Good.”

“We eat kids for
dinner
,” said the ghost. “And soon it will be dinnertime.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I ran out of there. And I'm not going back ever again. I'm going to Antarctica to live with the penguins. Penguins are cool. And I don't think they have any ghosts in Antarctica. Or at least they don't have any in their bathrooms.

 

Well, that's pretty much the way it happened. Maybe the boys' bathroom in our school really is haunted. Maybe we'll get another student teacher. Maybe people will stop climbing in the windows and hiding in the cloakroom. Maybe now that they're married, Miss Mary and Zack will stop smooching all the time. Maybe the Fish Food album will be a big success. Maybe Zack will teach us how to snorkel in a bog. Maybe people in England will stop saying “bloody” all the time. Maybe people will start calling sausage “sausage.” Maybe Superman will zap Batman with his heat vision. Maybe Andrea will
make a movie about how to be annoying. Maybe Mr. Granite will buy a new vacuum cleaner. Maybe I'll get one of Zack's bobble head statues. Maybe with Zack gone, Mr. Granite will finally be able to teach his math lesson.

But it won't be easy!

Cover art © 2010 by Jim Paillot