Miss Mary Is Scary! (4 page)

Saturday Night Live
is a cool TV show. It's on at night on Saturday, and it's live. So it has the perfect name. Usually, I'm not allowed to stay up that late, but my parents said this was a special occasion because Zack was performing with Fish Food. They even let me invite Ryan, Michael, and Neil over to watch.

Everybody was excited. In the middle of the show Fish Food came out and everybody went crazy. Zack was jumping up and down and running all over the stage while he sang “I Love Dirt.” It was cool.

 

On Monday morning everyone was talking about it. We all told Miss Mary how awesome it was to see Zack on TV.

“Okay, settle down,” said Mr. Granite. “I'm sure we all watched Miss Mary's boyfriend, Zack, on
Saturday Night Live
. It was very exciting. But now that it's over, it's time to get back to work. So please turn to page twenty-three in your math books.”

Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted. I knew we couldn't avoid math forever.

But you'll never believe in a million hundred years what happened at that moment.

Zack climbed in the window!

“Oh
no
!” Mr. Granite said, throwing his hands up in the air. “I give up.”

“Zack!” shouted Miss Mary.

“Mary!” shouted Zack.

“I missed you!”

“I missed you, too!”

That's when the smooching began. Ugh, disgusting!

“Those two are
so
romantic!” said Andrea.

“You were awesome on TV the other night!” Ryan told Zack. “We all watched.”

“Can I have your autograph?” asked Michael.

“Sure,” Zack said. “I'm sorry to interrupt the class again, Mr. Granite.”

“What else is new?” asked Mr. Granite.

“A lot!” Zack said. “After the show was over, a guy came into our dressing room and signed us to a record deal. Next week we're going to make our first album. We're getting T-shirts and posters, too. They're even going to make me into a bobble head statue!”
^*

“I'm so proud of you, Zack!” said Miss Mary.

“But here's the
big
news,” Zack told Miss Mary. “Fish Food is going on a worldwide concert tour, and…I want
you
to come with us, Mary.”

“WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

“But…I promised to be a student teacher for a year,” Miss Mary said. “It wouldn't be fair to Mr. Granite if I left.”

“It would be fair! It would be fair!” Mr. Granite said. “Go!”

Then Zack got down on one knee in front of Miss Mary.

“Oh no!” yelled Andrea. “He's getting down on one knee!”

“I think I'm gonna cry!” yelled Emily.

“What's the big deal?” I said. “He must have dropped his contact lens or something.”

Zack took a little box out of his pocket.

“I can't believe it!” Andrea shrieked. “He's got a little box!”

“So what?” I said. “He probably keeps his contact lenses in there.”

All the girls were freaking out. What is their problem?

Zack opened the little box.

“Mary,” Zack said, “will you marry me?” “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” all the girls screamed. “He asked her to marry him!”

“That's
so
romantic!” Andrea said.

Oh. I guess he didn't keep contact lenses in the box after all.

Zack took a ring out of the box. Miss Mary started crying, which is what girls always do when you ask them to marry you. Nobody knows why.

“What about Daddy?” asked Miss Mary. “He doesn't approve of you.”

“Old man Klutz can't keep us apart,” Zack said. “If he won't give us his blessing, we can elope.”

“But he would be
heartbroken
,” Miss Mary said. “We can't elope!”

“What does melon have to do with it?” I asked.

“Quiet, Arlo!” said Andrea.

“Oh, why not?” Miss Mary said. “Yes, I'll marry you, Zack! Yes! Yes! Yes! Of
course
I'll marry you!”

Miss Mary put on the ring and smooched with Zack. All the girls were freaking out.
^*

Mr. Granite was trying to get the girls to calm down. That's when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

I'm not going to tell you what it is.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

But you have to read the next chapter first. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

Right after Miss Mary said she would marry Zack, the most amazing thing happened:
another
guy started climbing in the window!

“Who's
that
guy?” Michael asked.

“Quick, Zack!” Miss Mary said. “Hide in the bloody cloakroom!”

“It's like Grand Central Station in here!” Mr. Granite said as Zack ran into the cloakroom. “Doesn't anybody use doors anymore?”

The guy who climbed in the window was dressed in a jacket and tie. He carried a briefcase.

“Excuse me,” the guy said, “is this Ella Mentry School?”

“Yes,” Mr. Granite replied. “Who are you? What are you doing in my classroom?”

“Allow me to introduce myself,” the guy said as he handed Mr. Granite a card. “My name is Joe Navark. I'm with the Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Company.”

“What?!” said Mr. Granite. “I don't need
a vacuum cleaner! Get out of here! We're supposed to be doing math.”

“I'm not selling vacuum cleaners,” the guy said. “I'm looking for a young man named Zack. I was told I might find him here.”

Mr. Granite slapped his own forehead with the palm of his hand.

“Zack is my boyfriend!” said Miss Mary, showing off her new ring. “We're going to get married.”

“He's in there,” Mr. Granite muttered,
pointing to the cloakroom.

The vacuum cleaner guy opened the cloakroom door. Zack was standing there.

“It's you!” the vacuum cleaner guy said to Zack. “The lead singer of Fish Food! You were terrific on
Saturday Night Live
.”

“Thank you!” said Zack.

“Tell me,” the vacuum cleaner guy asked Zack, “did you write that song ‘I Love Dirt'?”

“I sure did,” Zack replied.

“Well, I love it!” the vacuum cleaner guy told Zack. “And I think your song would be perfect to go with the TV commercials for our new line of vacuum cleaners.”

“Are you serious?” Zack asked.

“Sure!” the vacuum cleaner guy said. “Picture this. We'll have a cartoon vacuum cleaner running around a house while it sings ‘I Love Dirt.' It will sell millions of vacuums!”

Zack and Miss Mary went “WOW,” which is “MOM” upside down.

“Okay,” the vacuum cleaner guy said. “Let's talk turkey.”

“What do turkeys have to do with vacuum cleaners?” I asked. “Turkey's don't talk. Are you going to vacuum up a bunch of dead turkeys?”

“‘Talking turkey' means talking about
money
, Arlo,” Andrea told me.

“Oh,” I said, “I knew that.”

“How much are you going to pay Zack for his song?” asked Miss Mary.

“How does a million dollars sound to you?” asked the vacuum cleaner guy.

WHAT?!

“Two million would sound a lot better,” Miss Mary said.

“Okay,” the vacuum cleaner guy said. “Two million. But that's as high as I can go.”

Zack shook hands with the vacuum cleaner guy. Everybody was freaking out.

But suddenly, there were footsteps in the hall.

“It's Mr. Klutz!” Neil the nude kid yelled.

“Quick!” Miss Mary said. “Hide in the cloakroom! Both of you!”

Zack and the vacuum cleaner guy ran into the cloakroom right before Mr. Klutz came in.

“I just wanted to see how you were making out, Mary,” Mr. Klutz said.

Ew, disgusting!

“Daddy, I have wonderful news!” said Miss Mary. “Zack and I are getting married!”

“What?!” said Mr. Klutz. “You know how I feel about that, Mary. I won't allow you to marry Zack until he shows that he can earn enough money to support you.”

“He can, Daddy!” Miss Mary said
excitedly. “After Zack was on
Saturday Night Live
, he signed a record contract. He's going to make an album and go on tour. And a guy from a vacuum cleaner company is going to pay Zack two million dollars for ‘I Love Dirt'!”

“That
is
wonderful news!” said Mr. Klutz. “Where is Zack? I want to congratulate him.”

“He's in the cloakroom,” said Miss Mary, “with the guy from the vacuum cleaner company.”

“What are they doing in there?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“It's a long story,” said Mr. Granite.

Miss Mary opened the door to the
cloakroom. Zack and the vacuum cleaner guy came out.

“I'm the principal here,” Mr. Klutz said. “Is it true that you're going to pay Zack two million dollars for ‘I Love Dirt'?”

“Yes! Here's the check!” the vacuum cleaner guy said.

He showed the check to Mr. Klutz. We all crowded around to look. That check
had a
lot
of zeroes on it.

“I guess I was wrong about you, Zack,” Mr. Klutz said. “Maybe you
can
earn a living with your music. Okay, you and Mary have my blessing to get married.”

“Oh, Daddy!”

Miss Mary started hugging and kissing Mr. Klutz. Mr. Klutz started hugging and kissing Zack. Zack started hugging and kissing the vacuum cleaner guy.

All that hugging and kissing was really gross. I thought I was gonna throw up.