Miss Mary Is Scary! (2 page)

Mr. Klutz has a
daughter
? I knew he was married to a lady named Mrs. Klutz. But I didn't know they had kids.

Mr. Klutz told us that a long time ago, before he was married to Mrs. Klutz, he was married to some other lady in England and they had a baby. So Miss Mary
grew up in England and came to America for a year to do her student teaching.

“Isn't she lovely?” he said.

“Yes!” we all lied. Nobody wanted to tell Mr. Klutz that his daughter looked weird.

“Well, I have to go to a meeting,” Mr. Klutz said. “Mary, I'm so glad you decided to become a teacher and help educate the youth of America so they can pursue their hopes and dreams.”

“Yeah, whatever,” said Miss Mary.

“I'll stop back in a little while to see how you're making out,” Mr. Klutz said before he left.

Ugh, disgusting! Mr. Klutz said “making out”!

Mr. Granite had a frowny face. He looked like he didn't want to have a student teacher.

“So, Miss Mary,” he said, “what made you decide to become a teacher?”

“Well, it's like, the kids, y'know,” she said. “They're so, I don't know. Kidlike. You know? Yeah, and when you're a teacher, you get the summer off, right? That's cool.”

People from England talk funny. Miss Mary sounded like she should be in a Harry Potter movie.

“Yes, I do get the summer off,” Mr. Granite said. “But most people become teachers for other reasons, like…”

He didn't get the chance to finish his sentence because suddenly loud music started playing. Everybody looked around to see where it was coming from.

“Hang on,” Miss Mary said. “It's my bloody cell phone.”

“Your cell phone is covered with blood?” I asked.

“I gotta take this,” Mary said. “It's my boyfriend, Zack.”

Mr. Granite looked mad. Cell phones aren't allowed in school. But I guess he couldn't do anything about it, because Miss Mary is Mr. Klutz's daughter.

“Yo! What up, dude?” Miss Mary said into the phone. “I'm at Daddy's school….
I miss you, too, Zack…. Okay, gotta go…. Later.”

“Are you quite finished?” asked Mr. Granite. “I'd like to do our math lesson.”

“Yeah,” Miss Mary said. “Zack is back home in England. He says he's coming over here even though his parents don't like me.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” Mr. Granite said. “Okay, open your math books to page twenty-three, shall we?”

We all opened our math books.

“Zack is in an awesome band called Fish Food,” Miss Mary said. “They totally rock.”

“Music is my favorite thing!” said Andrea. “I love the Jonas Brothers.”

“Me too!” said Emily, who loves everything that Andrea loves.

“Zack is into heavy metal,” said Miss Mary.

“He wears a suit of armor?” I asked.

“Heavy metal is a kind of music, dumbhead,” said Andrea, rolling her eyes.

“I knew that,” I lied.

“Zack is a genius,” Miss Mary said. “He'll be famous someday. We want to get married. But Daddy won't let us. He says Zack
can't earn a living by playing music.”

Mr. Granite's face was all red. He doesn't like it when we get off task. But it didn't matter, because that's when something really weird happened.

A guy climbed in the window!

Everybody was freaking out. The guy was dressed all in black, just like Mary.

“Zack!” yelled Miss Mary.

“Mary!” yelled Zack.

“I thought you called from England!” Miss Mary said.

“No, I was right around the corner,” said Zack.

“I love you!”

“I love you, too!”

Ugh. They said the
L
word! Miss Mary and Zack started smooching. I thought I was gonna throw up.

“Isn't it romantic?” said Andrea. “Zack and Miss Mary are in love, but their parents won't let them be together. It's just
like
Romeo and Juliet
!”

“This is strictly against school rules,” Mr. Granite said.

“Please don't tell Daddy that Zack is here,” Miss Mary begged Mr. Granite. “Please?”

Suddenly, there was the sound of footsteps outside the door.

“It's Mr. Klutz!” Ryan shouted.

“Hide, Zack!” said Miss Mary.

“Where?” asked Zack.

“In the cloakroom!” Mr. Granite told him.

Zack ran into the cloakroom and shut the door. Mr. Klutz came into the room.

“So,” he said, “how are you making out, Mary?”

“Ugh, disgusting!” I said.

“I'm making out just fine, Daddy!” Miss Mary said.

“Good,” said Mr. Klutz. “I'll check up on you again later.”

Whew! That was a close one!

After Mr. Klutz left, Zack came out of the cloakroom.

“Thanks, dude,” he told Mr. Granite. “If old man Klutz finds out I'm here with Mary, he'll have me bloody head.”

“I don't see any blood on your head,” I told Zack.

“People in England say the word ‘bloody' all the time, Arlo,” Andrea told me. “Zack just means that Mr. Klutz will be angry if he finds him here with Miss Mary.”

That's sure a weird way to say it.

“I thought people in England were always saying ‘Chip, chip, cheerio, old chap,'” said Michael. “I saw that in a movie.”

“Nobody
ever
says ‘Chip, chip, cheerio,'” said Miss Mary.

“I guess we have a lot to learn about England,” said Mr. Granite.

“Does everybody in England dress like you two?” asked Ryan. “Or are those your Halloween costumes?”

“This is how I always dress,” said Zack. “My favorite color is black.”

“Mine too,” said Miss Mary. “I love black spiders and insects. They're my friends. Back home I have a black bat named Roger.”

Miss Mary is scary.

“Black isn't even a color,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

“How did your pants get ripped like that?” asked Emily. “Did you get caught climbing a fence?”

“Oh no. I used a pair of scissors,” said Miss Mary. “Don't my pants look fierce?”

“I could darn them for you,” Andrea
told her. “I took a sewing class after school last year.”
^*

“No thanks,” said Zack and Miss Mary.

“Maybe you'd like to tell the children a little bit about what life is like in England,” suggested Mr. Granite.

We all crowded around Miss Mary and Zack.

“Well, my friends and I really love to go bog snorkeling,” Zack said.

“Bog snorkeling?” asked Neil. “What's
that
?”

“It's when you snorkel through a bog,” Zack told us.

“My friends and I love cheese rolling,” said Miss Mary.

“Let me guess,” I said. “You roll cheese?”

“Yes!” said Miss Mary. “It happens on the Spring Bank Holiday. The cheese roller will roll a round cheese down a hill, and we all chase it. The winner is the first person to grab the cheese.”

“It sounds very dangerous,” said Andrea.

“Oh, it is,” said Miss Mary. “One time I got a bloody nose.”

“But your nose wasn't
really
bloody, right?” I asked. “You just say the word ‘bloody' all the time.”

“No, my nose really was bloody,” Miss Mary said.

“Of
course
it was bloody, Arlo!” Andrea told me.

I guess if it wasn't bloody, Miss Mary would have just gotten a nose. And that wouldn't make any sense. You can't get a nose. Everybody already has a nose.

I was confused.

“Hey, I gotta split, man,” said Zack. “I'm working on a new song with my band, Fish Food.”

“Oooh, what's the song called?” asked Emily.

“It's called ‘I Love Dirt,'” Zack replied.

What?! Who writes songs about dirt?

Zack climbed out the window and left.

People from England are weird.

The next morning Halloween decorations were up in the hallways. I came into class and hung my coat in the cloakroom. Miss Mary was sitting in the back of the class.

We usually have Word of the Day first thing in the morning, but Mr. Granite said
we would skip it so we could do the math lesson we missed the day before.

“Open your math books to page twenty-three,” Mr. Granite told us. But suddenly he stopped, looked at Miss Mary, and asked, “What are you doing?”

We all looked at Miss Mary. She was holding her cell phone.

“I'm texting Zack,” she said. “He just told me ‘I Love Dirt' is going to be the best song he ever wrote. And he's dedicating it to
me
! I can't wait to hear it.”

“That's so romantic!” said Andrea.

“Turn off your cell phone in school, please,” said Mr. Granite.

He looked all frustrated. That's when
an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

“Mr. Granite, please come to the office.”

“Another interruption!” he said. “We may
never
get to math. Miss Mary, will you take over the class while I'm gone?”

He went rushing out of the room. We all looked at Miss Mary.

“So, what do you want to learn?” she asked.

“We don't want to learn anything,” I told her. “We want to go to recess.”

“It's not time for recess, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.

“I can teach you how to play cricket,” said Miss Mary.

“You play with crickets?” I said. “That's disgusting!”

“Cricket is a
game
, Arlo,” Andrea said, rolling her eyes again. “They play it in England.”

“Your face is a game,” I told her.

“Can you show us where England is on the map?” asked Emily.

“Uh, sure,” Miss Mary said, going to the map on the wall. “Let's see; where is that bloody country?”

“The country is bloody?” I asked.

Miss Mary looked all over, but she couldn't find England. And it's her own country! She's almost as dumb as the teacher we had last year, Miss Daisy.

“I'll show you,” said Andrea as she hopped out of her seat and pointed at the map. “It's right
here
. England looks a little like a microscope. See?”

“Very good, Andrea!” said Miss Mary.

Little Miss Smarty Pants smiled her know-it-all smile. Why can't a microscope fall on her head?

“What do people eat in England?” asked Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.

“I love blood pudding,” said Miss Mary.

“You make pudding out of
blood
?” I asked.

“Ewwwwww!” everybody went.

“Blood pudding is a kind of sausage,” said Miss Mary.

“You should just call it sausage,” said Michael.

“I also love fish and chips,” Miss Mary said, “and bangers and mash.”

“Bangers?” Neil asked. “What's a banger?”

“That's a kind of sausage too,” Miss Mary told us.

“Why don't you just call sausage ‘sausage'?” I suggested.

“People sure eat a lot of sausage in England,” Andrea said.

“Well, what do you Americans like to eat?” asked Miss Mary.

“I like hot dogs,” said Michael.

“You heat up dogs and eat them?” asked Miss Mary. “How horrid! In England dogs are our pets. We would never eat them.”

“No!” I told her. “We don't eat dogs here either! A hot dog is sort of like…a sausage.”

“Then why don't you call it a sausage?” asked Miss Mary.

“Beats me,” I said.

“I guess everybody likes sausage,” said Ryan, “but nobody wants to call it sausage.”

“Say, can I tell you kids a secret?” asked Miss Mary.

“Yeah!” we all shouted.

“We love secrets,” Andrea said.

“Promise you won't tell?” asked Miss Mary.

“We promise.”

“I don't really want to be a teacher,” Miss Mary whispered. “I want to go on tour with Zack and his band. But don't tell Daddy. He'll be so disappointed.”

“We won't tell,” we all promised.

I couldn't blame Miss Mary for not wanting to be a teacher. Who would want to go to school for the rest of your life? When I grow up, I'm not going anywhere
near
a school.

Suddenly, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Zack climbed in the window.

“Zack!”

“Mary!”

They started smooching. Ugh, disgusting!

“Can I hear your song ‘I Love Dirt'?” Miss Mary asked.

“Not yet,” Zack replied. “It's not finished.”

“But I want to hear it
now
!”

“Soon, sweetie. Soon.”

“Boo hoo!”

Miss Mary started crying. Her black eye makeup was running down her face.

Suddenly, there were footsteps in the hall.

“It might be Mr. Klutz!” yelled Neil the nude kid.

“Hide, Zack!” Ryan shouted.

“Where?”

“In the bloody cloakroom!” said Michael.

“There's blood in the cloakroom?” I asked.

Zack ran into the cloakroom.

As it turned out, the footsteps weren't Mr. Klutz's at all. It was Mr. Granite, back from the office.

“You can come out, Zack,” Miss Mary said.

Zack came out of the cloakroom.

“What are
you
doing here again?” Mr. Granite asked.

“I was worried about Mary,” Zack told him. “She wasn't answering her cell phone.”

“He made me turn it off,” Mary explained.

“I'm glad you're okay. Look, I gotta get back to work,” Zack said. “The song is almost done.”

“Maybe now I can finally teach some math around here,” said Mr. Granite.

“Bye, Zack!” said Miss Mary.

“Later,” Zack said as he climbed out the window.

“So, what did you learn while I was
gone?” Mr. Granite asked us.

“We learned that in England they play with crickets,” I told him, “and they make pudding out of blood.”