Mitigation (2 page)

Taking a deep
breath, I nod. I know what has to be done.

Matt checked us into
the The Hermitage in downtown Nashville and immediately sent me to
take a hot shower while he ordered room service. It took a whole lot
of fighting on his part, but he finally got me to agree to sleep in a
hotel rather than in a chair in mom’s room. My time with her is
running short, and I want to be with her every minute. I feel guilty
now... at this very moment, as I stand under the hot water and let it
cleanse my body. I feel guilty because I only have precious hours
left with my mom, but here I am in the comforts of a swank hotel.

The only reason I’m
here is because Matt gently reminded me that my mother is essentially
gone already. That she has no comprehension, and she wouldn’t
know if I was sitting by her side or sitting in a hotel. But the real
kicker—the way Matt got me—was he told me that based on
what he’d learned about my mom that day, she wouldn’t
want her daughter suffering and would want her to get some rest.

I caved, and now
here I am.

I had made my
decision to discontinue extraordinary measures for my mom. Dr. Fritz
asked how much time I would need for friends and family to say
goodbye, and I honestly wasn’t sure. My mom and dad’s
families were all out in California. Mom and Dad had settled in
Nashville when I was three years old.

After a brief call
with Aunt Kay, my mom’s sister, she felt we should let her go
now rather than wait for them to all fly in. No one really wanted Mom
suffering on the respirator for very long, and Aunt Kay promised
she’d be in the following day to help with the funeral. That
left her friends locally, and I merely called her pastor and advised
him that if anyone wanted to visit, they could come by in the
evening.

I told Dr. Fritz I
wanted to do it first thing in the morning, and so we scheduled it
for eight AM. I even put an appointment entry on my iPhone calendar,
and then realized that was a fucking moronic move. There was no way I
was going to forget this particular appointment, so I erased it.

Finishing my shower,
I brush my teeth. I take a few minutes to dry my hair before I throw
on the hotel robe that Matt had apparently stuck on the back of the
door because it hadn’t been there when I stepped into the
bathroom.

When I come out into
the room, I see that Matt has some food laid out.

“I know you
ate just a few hours ago,” Matt says as he uncovers everything,
“so I just got something light… some soup and
sandwiches. And after you eat, you’re heading straight to bed
to get some rest.”

He pulls the chair
out for me to sit down, so I do. He even takes my napkin, snaps it
out, and lays it on my lap with flourish. I really and truly cannot
help the giggle that comes out. That seems to egg Matt on so he opens
the bottled water and holds it out for me to inspect, stating, “Our
finest vintage, madam.”

“It looks
spectacular,” I tell him, and we both chuckle while he pours me
some water.

Matt keeps my mind
occupied as we eat. He tells me that Lorraine seems to have calmed
down, and they are rationally discussing Bill taking over her
caseload. I also make a quick phone call to Macy just to tell her how
sorry I am for my behavior and assure her I wasn’t thinking
clearly. She told me she was catching a flight to Nashville in the
morning and that she would stay here until I was ready to come back.

When we finish
eating, Matt takes the tray and sticks it outside our room door for
housekeeping to pick up. I root through my bag, trying to find
something to wear but, apparently, I didn’t throw in a single
pair of pajamas. Grabbing a pair of underwear, I slip them on under
the robe, and then stand up. I place my hands on my hips, looking
around in confusion.

“What’s
wrong?” Matt asks.

“I forgot my
pajamas.”

“No worries,”
Matt says, and he lifts the t-shirt he’s wearing over his head.
He tosses it at me. “Put this on… it will be more
comfortable than wearing that robe to bed.”

I open the robe and
shrug it off my shoulders, dropping it to the ground. I have no
modesty where Matt’s concerned… he’s seen it all.

Hell, he’s
licked it all.

Just before I put
his t-shirt over my head, I lock eyes with him, and he’s
watching me with an odd mixture of what I think is lust, but also
compassion. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, and
it unsettles me. I have a rush of desire for him in that moment, but
I also have no want or need to act upon it. Instead, I inhale his
scent from the t-shirt and look longingly at the fluffy pillows on
the bed, which are calling my name.

Matt pulls back the
covers and motions me under. When he has me tucked in, he walks to
the other side and takes off his jeans. Even though I’m
exhausted and heartsick, I lie on my side and watch him with
appreciation. His body is utterly beautiful, and I sigh knowing that
tonight it’s only for me to look at. Matt catches me checking
him out, and I’m not even embarrassed. But I am so tired that I
can do nothing but give him a tiny smile.

Matt then pulls out
his laptop from his briefcase.

“Do you mind
if I do some work?” he asks me.

Still smiling at
him, I give a tiny shake of my head.

Setting the laptop
on the bedside table, Matt gets under the covers and turns to his
side so we’re staring at each other.

“Do you want
me to hold you until you fall asleep?” he whispers.

His words are like a
soothing balm over my shredded heart, and I nod. He pulls me into his
embrace, tucking my head under his chin. His hands slowly stroke my
back, up and down. Long, measured strokes… not too light and
not too firm. Just enough to relax me and, before I know it, my eyes
start to close.

I think my last
thought before I went to bed was that if Matt treated me like this
all the time, I’d probably fall head over heels in love with
him.

Macy had begged me
not to return to work so soon. I just buried my mom two days ago,
having flown back to New York the day after the funeral. I just
couldn’t stand being there… in my mom’s house…
without her there.

Even worse, I longed
to see Matt again, and I’m ashamed to say that also prompted my
quick return. He stayed in Nashville with me the morning after I had
fallen asleep in his arms. He stood by my side when they disconnected
my mom from the machines. He kept his arm around me while we waited
for her to die, and then he let me sob in his arms when they
pronounced her gone.

But he didn’t
stay too much longer after that. Not that I expected him to. He told
me the day he arrived that he had to get back to the firm soon, so I
never, ever expected him to stay for the funeral. I was just so very
happy and so very touched that he chose to come be by my side for the
hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I’m sure Matt
saw what he did as nothing more than a kind gesture, but I saw it for
so much more. Matt can gripe, moan, bitch, and complain until he’s
blue in the face that he’s only in this for the sex with me,
but he’d be a damn liar. There are feelings there on his part,
and I intend to flush them out.

So while I’m
still grieving for my mother, I intend to get back into the swing of
my life in an effort to help ease the pain. I’m also going to
push at Matt until I can break him out of his rigid rule of ‘sex
only’ encounters.

When I arrive at the
office, I’m met with tons of my new colleagues giving me hugs
and kind words of compassion. It touches me deeply and, when I get
into my office, there’s a huge bouquet of flowers and a card
signed by everyone in the firm. I let my fingers drag slowly over all
the names while tears fill my eyes.

“Welcome
back,” I hear from the doorway. I look over to see Matt
standing there. He’s holding onto the doorframe with both hands
and just sort of leans into my office. I quickly blink away the
tears, but I know he saw them. He doesn’t look ill at ease
though and just smiles at me.

“Hey,” I
say in soft welcome. Seeing him is even better than I could have
imagined, and I envision him walking in and wrapping his arms around
me.

He doesn’t do
that though. He just stays where he is, appraising me. “So…
everything okay? Sure you’re ready to be back to work already?”

“I’m
sure,” I tell him with a confident smile.

“Good,”
he says. “There’s a new case I just assigned to you…
You’ll see an email about it. Review it, and you’ll be
handling the depositions next month.”

“Oh-kay,”
I drawl out.

I wait for him to
say more… to ask how I’m feeling, to ask about the
funeral, to ask to make sure I’m really, really okay. I kind of
sort of wait for a hug. Cocking my head to the side, I wait for it.

And wait for it.

Finally, Matt looks
left and right down the hall and, confident no one is nearby, he
leans in a little further and lowers his voice. “Can I see you
tonight?”

“Yes,” I
say quickly, relieved that he does indeed want to be with me. I was
starting to think his cool demeanor might have meant our time was at
an end… yet again, and I just wasn’t ready for that.

“What do you
want me to bring to eat?” he asks with a smile.

“Surprise me,”
I tell him.

He gives me a nod,
and then he’s gone. I stare at the empty doorway for a few
moments, trying to determine if I should be worried or not by his
behavior. I mean… it’s typical Matt behavior. Slightly
cool, a little aloof, but still interested in hot orgasms with me.
Nothing odd there.

Except, I think
maybe I expected him to be a little warmer to me. He had, after all,
stood by my side while my mother died, letting me cry in his arms. He
held me in his arms all night. Yes,
all
night. I woke up with
him holding me, his laptop in the same exact position he had left it
before pulling me into his embrace.

Regardless, I shake
the thoughts, content for now in knowing that I would be with him
tonight, and I could gauge things then.

Booting up my
computer, I start wading through what seems like a gazillion
messages. I see the email from Matt telling me about the new case he
assigned to me… a slip and fall at a grocery store. I have to
smile at it. He said, “This is a crap case and you’re
going to lose it, but it’s perfect to cut your teeth on.”

There’s an
email from Cal wanting to know how I was doing and asking to get
together for lunch soon. I smile because I was in turmoil about Cal
before, knowing that he was interested in me, but I wasn’t
interested in him. Now that he knows I have feelings for Matt, he
truly seems to want to be friends and that is something you can never
have enough of. I shoot him a reply stating that I was free any time
this week. He responded back immediately, and we made plans for
Friday.

The rest of the day
goes by quickly, because I have a ton of stuff to do but not enough
hours in the day. It’s almost seven PM, and I need to get home.

No, I want to get
home… so I can see Matt.