Moments in Time (23 page)

I replied to my student advisor and hit Send. As I was about to close my laptop, my e-mail dinged. One new message. From Sean.

Not opening it seemed like a valid option. I wasn’t in the mood for another please-talk-to-Mom guilt-inducing e-mail. Trying to prolong the high of yesterday already wasn’t working, and the subject line seemed innocent enough—Day Late—so I clicked.

Didn’t realize the date yesterday. Sorry I missed your birthday. Happy 21, Collie. Maybe we can grab a beer when you get home.

Sent from his mobile.

That was odd. He never sent e-mails from his phone. They were always from his computer. Then again, if he had my phone number, he probably would have texted instead of e-mailing in the first place. I considered answering from my phone. Would it hurt for him to have my number? It might. I hit Reply instead. My fingers paused over the keys. I’d never had trouble talking to Sean before, but now even “thank you” seemed hard to type. Everything I could think of sounded stupid.

“That would be nice”—how lame was that?

“A drink would be great, maybe even a burger, but hold the moralizing.” No. Not a good idea. And not the right person to send that message to anyway. In all fairness, he hadn’t really moralized. He’d seemed more desperate and sad than judgmental, which left me somehow more unsettled than my mom’s harsh words and Quinn’s lecturing. Truth was I’d always been closest to Sean, and I missed him. Just not enough to change who I was to get him back.

Thanks. Sounds good.

I hit Send before I could write anything else or change my mind, then turned off my laptop.

My stomach rumbled, so I headed downstairs. Tanner was sitting at the kitchen table, eating one of the dozens of birthday cupcakes Suzanne had baked.

“Is that your breakfast?” I asked.

“What, like it’s worse than a Pop-Tart or a donut? It’s got strawberry filling. It’s practically a serving of fruit.”

I rolled my eyes, but leaned in and kissed him. He tasted sweet and tangy from the lemon frosting. I swiped my finger through the frosting and stuck it in my mouth.

“Get your own,” he said, laughing and shoving the Tupperware full of cupcakes toward me.

I grabbed a chocolate one with fluffy white icing and a sprinkle of coconut. “Coconut’s a fruit too, right?”

“Sure.” Tanner shoved the remainder of his cupcake into his mouth. “Come outside.”

“I’m trying to enjoy a healthy breakfast here.”

He gave me a shove off the bench. “Enjoy it on the go. I never gave you your present last night.”

Present? Tanner’s birthday had been right before the end of school, when I was pretty much broke. I’d taken him out for dinner, and we’d gone home and watched movies in bed all night. And had sex. I hadn’t gotten him a
gift
gift.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Get your ass outside, would you?”

He held the door open, and I stepped onto the deck. Before I could say another word, I saw it. It was hard to miss the huge red bow, but all I could see was the shiny black bicycle it was attached to.

“The bow was Wendy’s addition,” he said as I moved toward it.

“You got me a bike?”
Duh, Captain Obvious.
I couldn’t think of anything else to say, I just stared.

“I know it may be a while before the Batmobile is up and running, so I wanted you to have a way around campus. That’s why I got black. It can be the Bikemobile. Or the Batbike.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you know how to ride a bike.”

Laughter snorted out of me, but I quickly choked up. No one had ever bought me a gift like this. “Thank you.”

“Do you like it?”

“I love it.” My voice cracked.

Tanner grinned at me. “Good. Let’s go for a ride.”

A
FTER TWO straight months of weekend shifts, Tanner and I both had a Friday night off, so Bryan insisted we go see his band play. I wanted to see them perform, but the venue concerned me. It was known to be the rowdiest gay bar on the island.

“Rowdiest on any island,” Bryan had said. “You’ll love it.”

I wasn’t so sure. I’d just barely gotten used to the idea that Tanner and I could kiss or hold hands in front of our housemates without anyone reacting. I’d been able to make out with him at the bar we’d gone to for my birthday, but even that was after a few drinks. I just didn’t know what to expect from this place. Other than my birthday celebration, I’d never even been to a straight club, let alone a gay one. Pictures on the Internet led me to believe that this would be a whole new level of wild. One I wasn’t sure I’d be comfortable with.

Tanner knew I was tense. “We’ll go hear the band play, and if we don’t like it, we’ll leave. No big deal.”

He always knew my limits. When to push them and when to accept them. I don’t know how he read me so well, but he did. Sometimes I felt like I couldn’t tell what the fuck he was thinking. Especially with girls. I knew he was still attracted to them, and I knew of at least three in addition to Amy who were regulars at Oz and had massive crushes on him. I’d hear them talking about him. Amy was by far the most forward of the bunch. She hung out at Oz every night Tanner worked and lit up like a sparkler every time he talked to her.

I’d asked him about her, and he’d said she was “nice.” Her boyfriend was supposed to share her house with her, but they’d broken up right before summer, so she was there with her sister instead. He said she was still getting over the breakup and was lonely. She didn’t look lonely or sad when I saw her. She looked
hungry
. And Tanner seemed to be what she felt like having.

Plenty of guys flirted with him too. Somehow that didn’t bother me as much. I knew he was happy with me. Or I thought he was. But women had things to offer that I simply didn’t possess. Things I knew he still liked. That made me nervous as fuck, especially when I could tell there were so many women willing to give him those things at a moment’s notice if he showed any interest.

I got dressed for the club. Khaki shorts, black T-shirt. It was as close as my wardrobe came to being trendy. Tanner came into our room, fresh from the shower, smelling so good I wanted to spend our night in bed, not at some loud club. I knew he wanted to go, though. And when I saw how insanely hot he looked, I wanted to go just so I could keep looking at him. Slim-fit red shorts, black V-neck tee. There was no way I could pull off that look, but on him?
Jesus.

Staying home and wondering about other people ogling him would have made me crazy. Plus I was actually curious to see Bryan’s band perform. Wasabi Incident had gotten good reviews for their NYC shows. Bryan had shown us the write-up from
The Village Voice
. They’d been compared to Green Day, which was pretty fucking cool since they’d only been together for three months.

We arrived at the club with Bryan, so we got to go in through the back entrance, but after we met the band, the manager sent us into the main bar. Oz was flashy. Or at least what I considered flashy. This place was surreal. Everyone wore something glowing. Necklaces, headbands, bracelets, body paint, even people’s tongues were neon electric blue or pink. Attire ranged from casual shorts and shirts to beachwear, including a good number of guys wearing just a mankini or a thong. I couldn’t imagine going out in public dressed like that, let alone grinding in a crowded room dressed like that.

What I did like was that no one seemed to give anyone a second look. I felt like I was probably the most judgmental person in the room. Not that I was trying to judge anyone. It was just all new to me. Not bad. Just… different. What I loved was that when Tanner wanted to dance, I didn’t feel the least bit weird about joining him on the dance floor, not even when we got close and the crowds packed tighter, not even when I could feel him hard against my ass or when he leaned over and kissed me.

Being able to be with him like that, out in the open, was freeing. Like there wasn’t anything I needed to hide or pretend. I watched the men around us. Guys in tank tops rubbing against men in button-downs. Couples holding hands. Some just meeting. Some with matching wedding bands. All of them out, letting the world know they were gay. It gave me hope and scared me in equal measure. This was paradise, not reality. While it was nice to know paradise existed, I also knew it wasn’t where I lived. The land Tanner and I were going back to at the end of the summer wouldn’t look kindly on us. Hiding had been hard before. After being out like this, for months, I couldn’t imagine going back in the closet. But I couldn’t imagine not being there either. Not at school.

Bryan’s band performed two sets. He had the most beautiful voice. I’d heard him sing around the house, but onstage, with microphones and a band backing him up, he was mesmerizing. It was no wonder there was a revolving door of men in and out of his bedroom. He oozed confidence and sex appeal onstage. And he was gorgeous no matter where he was.

“Well,” Bryan asked when he came offstage. “What’d ya think?”

The bartender handed him a beer and gestured to see if I wanted another. I waved a hand to say no.

“You were great. I only recognized a few covers. Are all the rest originals?”

He flashed his movie star smile at me. “All mine. Except that last song. The drummer wrote that.”

“Well, you sounded amazing. I can’t believe a label hasn’t picked you guys up yet.”

He leaned closer. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Sure.”

“A producer came to hear us last night. They’re going to offer to sign us, and I think we’re gonna say yes.”

“Wow. Shit. That’s insane. You must be stoked.”

“I won’t believe it till we’ve signed the paper, but yeah, I was pretty blown away when I heard about the offer. That’s been my dream for, like, six years.”

“All good things to those who wait, man….”

“You said it.” He clinked his beer against mine.

Tanner came up behind me. “What are we toasting?”

“Can I tell him?” I asked.

“Sure. You two are practically married. I just assume what one of you knows, the other knows.”

Married.

Do we give off a married vibe? Is that a good thing? A happily married couple?
The thought didn’t scare me as much as I thought it should. I couldn’t imagine not having Tanner in my life. Agreeing to spend the rest of my life with him didn’t seem like it would be a bad thing in any way. In fact it sounded awesome. Maybe not now… but some day.

Tanner put his hand on my back, and I leaned into his touch. The smile on his face made my heart switch places with my stomach. Did he know what I was thinking? Did he feel the same way? And when the fuck had I started thinking about spending my life with another person? Electricity hummed through me as he stroked his thumb against my back. I knew the answer. I’d started thinking about it the first moment he’d touched me.

W
E
’
D TALKED about going to brunch at the famous Bay Side Inn all summer, and finally we had a Sunday morning free.

The view was amazing. Sparkling water with sunlight dancing off it. Boats sailing by. Fresh salt-air breeze. We sat at a table on the deck overlooking it all from the peaceful shade of a huge umbrella.

The food was every bit as amazing as I’d heard. Eggs Benedict with house-cured bacon instead of Canadian bacon. Eggs perfectly poached, hollandaise as rich and creamy as ice cream. We’d each polished off an order along with crispy hash browns, a basket of their signature cinnamon mini muffins, and a huge fruit platter with local honey and assorted cheeses. I couldn’t remember ever having a better meal. Or a better time. We talked and laughed and held hands right at the table. I could have stayed there for the rest of the day and been happy.

“Tanner, Collin.” I recognized the voice immediately, even out of context. It was Eric from our dorm.

Tanner and I turned just in time to see him approaching the table. Our hands slipped apart, but the look on Eric’s face made it clear—he’d seen. Breakfast suddenly felt like a cement mixer in my gut.

“Hey, Eric.”

Tanner stood and offered his hand. The same hand that had been holding mine.
Jesus.

“Hey.” He shook it, then leaned across the table and shook mine. “I saw you while we were waiting for our table. My folks have a dock a few blocks up. I came up for the weekend.”

A woman who looked insanely similar to Eric came up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. “Our table’s ready, honey.”

“Mom, this is Tanner D’Amico and Collin Fitzpatrick. We’ve lived in the same dorm the past three years.”

A warm smile brightened her face. “It’s nice to meet you. Are you here with your families?”

“No, ma’am,” Tanner answered. “We’re renting a house with a bunch of friends. We’ve been working at Dorothy’s and Oz.”

“I love Dorothy’s.” Her eyes settled on me. “I think you waited on us a few weeks ago.”

“I think you’re right. Mahimahi with pineapple salsa?”

“Yes.” She beamed. “Impressive memory. I hope I tipped you well.”

I smiled politely. She had. “Yes, thank you.”

“Well, it was lovely to meet both of you, but our table’s ready and Eric’s dad will be wondering where we are. Enjoy the rest of your meal.”

“You too,” Tanner said, but his eyes were on Eric’s.

Eric nodded. “See you back at school.”

I watched as he waved and followed his mom.

“Fuck.” My voice came out as a whisper, but inside my head there was nothing but yelling.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Tanner blew out a slow breath. “You all right?”

“I don’t know.” I had a headache behind my left eye, and my heart was beating in my throat. If that was all right, then yeah, I was fine.

Tanner’s leg bobbed up and down, but other than that, he looked calm. “All things considered, he didn’t seem too shaken up.”