More Letters From a Nut (10 page)

Dear Customer Service:

I want to take a cruise the last week of October, 1996. I have a predicament which I want to bring to your attention.

I have a permanent squeak when I walk. At first I thought it was my shoes but I took them off and the squeak persisted. Then I took off all my clothes (except underwear) and the squeak was still there. Finally I was stark naked and I took a few steps and I still heard the squeak. What can I do? I have to walk.

Can I get passage on your cruise even with this permanent squeak? It is very annoying I know but I want to enjoy your fine cruise. I hope others will be tolerant of me when they hear me walk by.

Please let me know if you have space available for me to cruise at the end of October and if my squeak will be permitted on board. Thank you very much. I look forward to hearing from you soon as I want to make my reservation now.

Respectfully,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Mr. Nancy,

Thank you for your September 23 letter. We are very glad you are considering a cruise with Holland America Line.

Please be assured we have many physically challenged passengers aboard our cruise ships. Many passengers travel in wheelchairs, use crutches, require full time oxygen, dialysis or have various other ailments. You will not offend or bother anyone while aboard any of our cruise ships. Holland America Line encourages physically challenged passengers to travel with us by providing the best handicapped accommodations available in the industry.

We appreciate your taking the time to write to share your concerns. You may want to contact your travel planner soon if you are considering a cruise at the end of October. We look forward to the opportunity to serve you in the future. Thank you for considering Holland America Line and thank you for writing.

Sincerely,

Laurie Steele

Office of the Vice President

Reservations\Passenger Programs

300 Elliott Avenue West • Seattle, WA 98119 • 206 • 281-3535 • Fax: 206 • 281-7110

Dear Chief Of Security:

I will be arriving by rail, New Orleans, Louisiana, the last day of September, 1996 for an extended stay. (2 years). I will be visiting the Superdome for your sporting events on many occasions. I have a situation which I must address:

I look just like Chester A. Arthur, our esteemed 21st president. I am portly with mutton chop sideburns and a pressed waist coat. I wear a size 52 slacks. My grayish hair is parted down the middle. I have a walrus moustache. Naturally, I will need special security when entering the Superdome so that others don’t accost me.

My safety is VERY important. As a look alike for Chester A. Arthur, I have had things thrown at me and I have been cursed at from others who don’t believe in his policies. While I don’t agree with everything President Arthur said, he should be respected. He had an honest, efficient, and dignified administration. Do you have presidential boxes?

He was a collector of the port of New York before becoming president. He became president after Garfield’s assassination. That is why I must have security. We don’t need another blooper. Can my safety be assured? Please write and let me know so I can make arrangements to see football. I am interested in season tickets. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Chester A. Arthur

Dear Mr. Nancy,

I apologize for not writing back sooner. We have been very busy here in New Orleans. I have read your letters and considered them fully.

The Louisiana Superdome is a safe environment to watch a football game. The security is constantly upgraded and closely monitored. If, however, you would not feel comfortable sitting in the stands, we do have box suits available. I would be happy to discuss the possibility and availability of these suites with you.

I can also assure you that as a look alike for Chester A. Aurthur you will not be frowned upon in the stadium. Down here in New Orleans we have become accustomed to the unusual and outlandish. At our last game for instance we had Don King, Elvis, and Abraham Lincoln look alikes all in the stands.

I hope this letter helps you out, but please feel free to call me at (504) 731-1789 if there is anything I can do to help. I hope your travels go well and if you do come to a game please call, because I would be interested in stopping by to meet a Chester A. Aurthur look alike myself.

Sincerely,

Grant Neill

New Orleans Saints Marketing