More Letters From a Nut (29 page)

Dear Pete Best,

I am so glad that you are being recognized again. You were great in the new Beatles Anthology 1 album. I was one of the ‘screamers’ back in the early 60’s. I was always up in front and I always screamed the loudest
for you.
I have seen you in Liverpool and Hamburg. To me, you are the ‘cute’ Beatle. I also commend you on your restraint with the Beatles going off and becoming world famous. Most people would have gone off like a postal worker. But you have maintained your dignity and I am glad you are becoming respected from this latest round of Beatlemania. (Although admittedly not as severe. I am not screaming).

You are just as much a part of history as any of the Beatles. If you weren’t in that group they may have sank. They talk about a Beatle reunion. The other Beatles should be happy that you are still around. With a reunion coming up you could fill in for the missing Beatle. Why not? You are a Beatle - they need a Beatle - it makes sense. Doesn’t it? It burns me up. They keep trying to figure out this “4th Beatle” situation when you are here! What gives?

I understand you are resuming your music and have an album coming out called “Besterday.” That makes me happy. You are my favorite Beatle. YOU ARE THE CUTE ONE! ! ! These other Beatles should kiss your a—! Without you they could have broken up. You kept them going!! They should be happy you haven’t gone nuts. Remember, Ringo was the 2ND CHOICE as the Beatles drummer. You will always be the 1ST CHOICE. That’s the truth!

Please send me an autographed picture. Thanks, Pete Best. I am your fan and can’t wait until you play again. Will you be on Anthology Two?

Sincerely,

TL Nancy

Dear Administration Dept:

As part of my studies on human behavior, I am interested in putting a yogurt machine in your prison and serve yogurt to all of your death row prisoners
free
of
charge.

I am convinced yogurt has a calming affect on criminals and it is my belief that after 5 months of yogurt (and certain toppings) even the most hardened prisoner will turn docile. I have done this experiment on rottweilers.

I will include all popular toppings - sprinkles, nutty crunch, gummies, and banana scrapple - which in my past experiences has had the best effect on violent bulldogs.

If a death row prisoner thinks that he will be rewarded with a yogurt and a topping at the end of the day he is less likely to start a riot and burn his mattress. (Lactose intolerant included).

I would like to set up my yogurt machine in the middle of the cell block amongst the death row prisoners. This way they can see the machine and know the treat is coming. But I will put it anywhere in the prison you suggest.

I will supply the following: machine, all yogurt (swirl flavors), myself to dispense the yogurt, and of course the popular toppings. (Gummies will be shipped in; all others local).

I have chosen Union Correctional Penitentiary because of the violent nature of your inmates. This works! There is no cost whatsoever to you at all. I will supply all yogurt AND toppings free. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

September 17, 1996

Dear Mr. Nancy,

I have reviewed your recent correspondence regarding yogurt.

All proposals for studies on human behavior must be directed to the Office of Planning and Research in Tallahassee, Florida.

Please submit your request as follows:

Mr. Bill Bales
Planning and Research
Central Office
2601 Blairstone Road
Tallahassee, FL 32399-2500

Sincerely,

M. H. Gallemore

Assistant Superintendent of Programs

MGH/pf

cc:     file

Dear Mr. Bales:

Mr. M.H. Gallemore at Union Correctional Institute suggested I write you concerning a prison study I would like to do. I have just finished preparing a presentation I believe beneficial for inmates to see. I come to your prison dressed as Jesse James and behave like Jesse and talk to the inmates of the importance of NOT being an outlaw. How all outlaws feel sorrow and regret for their deeds.

The performance starts at the front gate where all the prisoners are assembled to watch me give myself up. I am then thrown in the general population as a new prisoner in my Jesse James western garb. I tell some more stories. I then excuse myself to go to the bathroom and reenter as Frank James, giving a brother’s prospective of what a rotten brother I have. I come back and argue with myself as the two of us.

I then go and change into women’s clothing and come back as a mistress of the James gang explaining the suffering of being with this disgusting group. In a startling reenactment, I parade around dressed in authentic frontier women’s fashion mingling with the inmates. Don’t worry. I AM NOT PRETTY! (Or busty).

The performance concludes around a campfire in the prison yard where I sing songs about bad men and everyone gets a free yogurt.

I believe this is a rehabilitative tool and am anxious to come to your prison for my studies. I will give all results to you when I am finished. How may I do this study at your prison? I will pay you a fee you think is acceptable. Please write and let me know what you would charge. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy