More Letters From a Nut (24 page)

Dear Business Permits Division:

I need a permit to operate my business in your city.

So many businesses today are done from the home. In today’s world of people working out of their homes, I offer this:

I will clean your home from my home.

This is the perfect solution to those too busy to do their own cleaning. I do bathrooms, windows (and screens) and even your porch. All from my home. When you arrive home your house is spotless and I haven’t left my house. If you’re not satisfied call me. I’ll be at home.

Write and tell me how I get a business permit for this. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

CITY OF LEWISVILLE—LEWISVILLE, ARKANSAS

2nd & Murphy
P O. Box 70
LEWISVILLE, ARKANSAS 71845

Phone 921-4971

March 18, 1997

Ted L. Nancy,

I have researched this matter and to my knowledge and the Mayor’s knowledge there is no need to obtain a permit for your business in Lewisville, Arkansas.

If you have any further questions please do not hesitate to contact myself or Mayor Fletcher.

Sincerely,

Laurie Brady, City Clerk/Treasurer

Dear Sir or Madam:

I pride myself on having exact change. When I leave the house I try to estimate EXACTLY what the cost of something is and regulate my change as thus.

For the last 16 years I have left my home estimating the exact change I would need for everything I do including parking, lunch, toiletries, laundry, bus fair, mints, etc. I AM NEVER WRONG!!

I have been a consultant to the private efficiency industry now looking for a government position.

What government jobs are currently open in the exact change industry? If not, are there any related exact change jobs currently open? What about exact paper bills but not correct change? Where can I fill out the forms?

Certainly the State Department can use someone that has exact change CONSTANTLY on a continuous basis. I look forward to hearing from you soon regarding my job search in the federal exact change sector. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

United States Department of State

Washington, D. C. 20520

Thank you for your recent inquiry to the U.S. Department of State requesting information on a career as a Foreign Service Specialist. The following positions are
currently open:

The following positions are
closed:

Current information on these and other Foreign Service Specialist positions is available by calling our Career Line at (703) 875-7490.

*For information on the medical positions, please contact Ms. Rita Torchia at (202) 663-1750.

*Opening in October 1996.

Thank you for your interest in a career with the U.S. Department of State.

Visit our Web Site at:
http:\\www.state.gov
(click on careers)

WALT’S AIRPORT MATTRESS SHOP
ONLY KING SIZE MATTRESSES: ONLY AT THE AIRPORT

Dear Airport Leasing Dept.:

I want to open a branch of my chain: “Walt’s Mattress Shop” at your airport. I sell only king size mattresses and only to travelers. So if you’re at the airport and you want to buy a mattress come in.

We offer only the finest king size mattresses. They are made with cobbler’s straw just like the old school. We keep our prices low because we take away the frills: No checks or credit cards, please. Strictly cash and carry. No delivery services, no sales people. No lifting on our part. (We DO NOT put your mattress on the plane!)

Just stop in, choose your mattress, get it from one of the top four shelves, put it in a bag, give us the cash, and take it away. It’s as simple as that.

Usually we are located between the Ultimate Cashew Store and the ladies room. Please tell me how I may lease airport space from you. (DO NOT mistake us for “Walt’s Airport Swimming Pool Tarps.” We are not them!) I look forward to a prompt reply. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy