More Letters From a Nut (36 page)

Dear Ticket Dept.,

I want to get tickets to see Boxcar Gilley. I want to come and visit in Branson, possibly live there if the show is good. Do you have anything for Christmas day, 1996? I would like the 10 in the morning show when Mr. Gilley is freshest.

I wear puffy Depends. Can I still get in? I have lots of problems including bloated elbows. Does that matter? Are your armrests padded?

Will Boxcar Gilley sing all of his favorites? I like his spaghetti song. I saw Mr. Gilley perform in Texas, he was great! I like his meatball tune. Will he sing “Roomful Of Roses?” That’s my favorite. We play it at my uncle’s funeral home.

Where can I get tickets? Can you write and tell me ticket prices and if he is doing his 10 a:m Christmas show? Thank you very much. Boxcar Gilley is the best! I love his sheets.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Ted Nancy,

I have received both of your letters to the Mickey Gilley Ticket office & I apologize for waiting this long to reply. We do no shows on Christmas Day. Our last show for 1996 is Dec 15. We start back March 1, 1997. Mickey Gilley does sing all his hit songs but I’ve never heard one about spaghetti. Sorry.

You can get tickets by calling up the theatre & they will help you. The prices for 1997 will be $20.00.

Melody Byrd

3455 West Hwy. 76 • Branson, Missouri 65616 • Telephone: (417) 334-3210 or Toll Free 1-800-334-1936 • Fax: (417) 334-3266

Dear Mr. Bobby Vinton Club,

I am glad you have a fan club. You are the guy. You are the man. I have been listening to your music for months now and it is good. You are the KING of the world. You are better then Larry “Hardwood Floor” Taylor. And he’s good!

I play your music as LOUD as I can. My neighbor, who works until 3 in the morning as a graffiti remover then sleeps until 12, is woken up at 7 a:m when I start playing your music. I really crank it up. He thinks it’s Roy “Ironing Board” Vinson; he’s commented to me. I eat my breakfast (Korean bark) while I listen to you play. I have been doing this for 7 days now.

Have you ever been tickled? I mean really tickled. Tickled so hard you belch out the name Andy? I have. Let’s talk fiddle some day when I can have visitors. Right now my body is covered with hives. How about a picture? Of you. I will put it under my sink and look at it when I am under there. I love you, Robert. You are the man. The guy. Send me ANYTHING. Let’s have some bark. I want to.

How can I join your fan club?

Respectfully,

Ted L. Nancy

Your # 5 Fan

ARE YOU, LONELY, TIRED, RUNDOWN, OR
UNPOPULAR? DO YOU POOP OUT AT PARTIES?
THEN IF YOU’RE LIKE US ,ADMIRE
SUPERB TALENT. JOIN THE THOUSANDS OF
HAPPY PEPPY PEOPLE IN THE
BOBBY VINTON INT’L FAN CLUB.

BOBBY VINTON

Bobby Vinton Int’l Fan Club
153 Washington Street
Mt Vernon, New York 10550-3541

Dear National Archives:

I wish to make a valuable donation to the United States Government for safekeeping.

I have chosen your branch of the federal government because you are the National Archives. This should be kept by you.

My donation:

I worked in a clinic where I was able to obtain a very unusual collectible. I have Mickey Mantle’s freckles and a boil. These are actual freckles and the boil taken off the deceased Hall of Famer. I watched each freckle AND boil removed and discarded. It was at this time that I retrieved my treasure. I wish to donate them to your outstanding branch of the government where they can be put on display and enjoyed by millions.

These are two (2) freckles 1/8th of an inch thick, 1 inch wide. Both are caramel colored. They are definitely considered a freckle. The boil is slightly smaller and red in color. If you did not know what it was you would say, “That sure looks like a boil.”

Please advise on how I send you these freckles and boil. They are fresh. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you,

Ted L. Nancy