More Than I Wanted (10 page)

“It
wasn’t that.” I hesitated, maybe a little too long, and
finally said the words. “I don’t think I can go an entire
year worrying about him, not seeing him, and being sick to my stomach
hoping, waiting for him to come home.”

“Oh.”
Her voice was monotone. She needed to process what I told her, and
then without warning, “Just like that.” It was harsh, I
felt it. Nobody else in the restaurant would have been able to read
her, but she was my best friend. I knew exactly what that tone and
look were – disappointment, disappointment in me – and it
stung.

“Heather,
we haven’t even been together that long, and I’m not sure
I’m ready to put my life on hold, and have my stomach in knots
for an entire year.”

“He
has to put his life on hold for an entire year, for you and this
country…”

“Stop,”
I shook my head. “He chose this life, I didn’t. I love
him, and you know that. I just don’t know if I can love him
being away for an entire year. It’s not like we have years
invested in our relationship, it’s been months.”

“Fair
enough, it’s just that you guys are so good together, and I
know how much he cares about you.” She shrugged. “Does it
make me a bad person to want the two of you to stay together?”

“I’m
so afraid you’ll hate me,” I started to cry, “I
don’t want to lose your friendship, but I know you don’t
approve of this decision.”

“Really,
you thought you would lose my friendship over this? Oh Kate, we’re
all human. We have to choose our own paths. You’re my friend,
period. I liked it better when you were with Austin, but that’s
not my choice to make. I don’t know if I’d make the same
decision in your shoes, but this is the only life I’ve known
for so long now, that it’s what’s normal to me.”

I
felt a huge relief, like weight dropping off of my shoulders. “I
was afraid to tell you. I love him so much, and I broke his heart.
I’m still reeling, and I don’t know what to do. It’s
been horrible. I talked to him this weekend, and he said nothing –
he just turned around and left. You should have seen his face. I
didn’t know what to do. I wanted him to say something,
anything, at least fight for our relationship, but he didn’t.”

“He
has a lot riding on this too, so maybe he was in shock. I mean, I’m
sure he wasn’t expecting it. All of this just stinks, I mean…”
she stopped herself from elaborating, “I’m sure he’s
heartbroken, and you must be too. Have you thought about
reconsidering?”

“Every
second of the day, but then it comes down to the same thing. We get
back together, I’m happy, and then he leaves – for a
year. Imagine Scott getting called away when you’re about to
give birth, suddenly he misses out on all of the first year of your
child’s life. I don’t know if I can live with that sort
of stuff.”

“Bite
your tongue. We’re praying his touring days are over. They’re
supposed to be doing a cut back, so a lot less guys are being called.
I was honestly surprised Austin got called back. Jake is the kind of
guy who volunteers and keeps going back; he may be a player with the
girls, but he has his brothers’ back.”

“He
wasn’t supposed to be on the list, but someone on the roster
was dropped, and he was pulled to fill in.” I hated how our
lives changed based on some technical paper error. Somebody else
decided for us, and that seemed unfair. He didn’t want to go
back, but didn’t have a choice.

“Yeah,
they’ll send him to train for a couple of months, but most of
the tours are closer to nine months now. They used to be longer,
twelve and fifteen months. Then of course, there’s the
reintegration, that runs about ten days when they get back home, and
then usually a block of leave, somewhere around thirty days, based on
how long they’ve been away. It’s not set in stone though,
and any of that can change at any time. Sometimes it’s hurry up
and wait, and even when you get a date it can get pushed back or
moved up.”

“Heather,
I don’t know how you do it, but I don’t think I can. It
pains me to say it, because the feelings I have for Austin are real.
I love him and could honestly see us together in the future, but I
just don’t think I’m prepared for a year alone, worrying,
crying, hoping to hear from him, and thinking something might happen
to him.”

“I’ll
be honest. I have mixed feelings. I really think you should give him
a chance, give this a chance, and yet the thought of you splitting
with him while he’s overseas would kill him. He went through so
much with Emily, and I just don’t want him to get hurt.”

We
discussed it frontwards and backwards, up and down, but it was time
to get back to work. I left the restaurant feeling relieved, our
friendship still in tact. I couldn’t imagine not sharing every
bit of my life with Heather at this point. She was the best friend
I’d had in a long time.

While
I was happy that was behind me, I was still mourning the loss of my
relationship with Austin. I missed him dearly, and wanted to hold
him, feel him beside me, kiss him, and share life with him. Only now
it wouldn’t happen – it was over. I sealed our fate, and
there was no going back. I’d just have to sit in misery for
awhile, until enough time passed to heal my pain.

Heather
said she’d have Scott check in on Austin and see how he was
doing, though she said she wouldn’t break his confidence, so
don’t ask for details.

I
woke in a cold sweat later that night. I was crushed, my face was wet
from tears, and I had to steady myself. It was only a dream. I looked
around my bedroom bewildered. In my dream, Emily was writing to
Austin while he was away. She heard he was single again and they
reconnected. Then I walked in on them making out at the local
tavern…my heart was racing, my body drenched in sweat. I got
out of bed and paced. It’s what I do best. I’m surprised
I haven’t worn a hole through the floor yet, as often as I
pace. After clearing my head, I climbed back into bed and hoped for
the best.

This
is a mistake. I need to fix this. I need to do something before it’s
too late
. Eventually drifting off to sleep, I lost track of my
thoughts.

I
sat in my misery for three weeks. Heather let me know that Scott
checked in with Austin, but out of loyalty to his friendship, she
said she didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with me. It was
an awkward place to be, between two friends, and she didn’t
want to find herself choosing sides. I couldn’t blame her.

I
knew it wasn’t smart, but I was miserable, and I turned back to
the comfort of what I once knew. Heather would be pissed, but I sent
a text to Nick. I didn’t know how else to get past this void I
had deep inside. I felt foolish even sending a message, but once I
hit send, I knew I couldn’t take it back.

“Hey,”
I wrote, not saying much more.

I
got a reply eventually, “Ready to date a real man again?”
I should have known he’d make some arrogant statement.

I
rolled my eyes. Why am I even doing this? I shouldn’t go there,
not again. He was more of a burden than a relief, and yet I didn’t
know who else to turn to. I was desperately trying to chase away the
ghost of my past with another ghost. I hated myself as I sent the
next text.

“What
are you doing this weekend?” This is a mistake, I heard the
words over and over in my head, and yet I continued the conversation.
Give it more time Kate, don’t do this, you’ll regret it.

“I
might be able to make time for you.” I got back.

Crap,
what am I doing? I should stop.

“Are
you there?” His message poked at me, and I knew I had to
answer.

“Maybe
dinner?” My mind raced through our past, and I knew this wasn’t
a good idea, but I sent it anyway. I desperately needed to numb my
pain and move forward.

“Saturday,
eight.”

“Okay.”
I felt sick to my stomach. What was I doing? I’d end up having
dinner with him, he’d want more, and I’d probably go
there with him, just so I didn’t have to feel the pain I was in
any longer. Shit, I screwed up. I should cancel…but I didn’t.
I was lonely, still reeling from my break-up, and maybe just maybe I
could put a temporary band-aid over it and make it go away for a
little while.

“I’ll
pick you up then.” He replied, and I could almost feel him
gloating.

Last
time I saw him, he was drunk and lunging for Austin. And now here I
was asking to see him. I felt like an asshole. I didn’t
respond. I just stared at the message. I was numb.

I
almost forced myself to cancel, but when it came down to it I was
single, I was lonely, and I had nobody else to comfort me. I kept the
plans.

When
he showed up at my door that weekend, I pasted on my best smile,
though my eyes were dull. I told him it was nice to see him, and that
things didn’t work out with my other boyfriend. I felt like a
douche.

He
was a little too hands on, and I let him kiss my cheek, but I wasn’t
ready to jump back into anything more at the moment. In fact, I
didn’t even want to go out with him, but I had nothing better
to do and no other offers currently.

I
knew he’d want to sleep with me, and I didn’t know how to
handle that. We had history, and the sex was good, but I just wasn’t
feeling anything for him. I’ll admit it; I was using him to
make myself feel better. I knew it was wrong, but didn’t know
what else to do anymore.

We
went to a little barbecue joint down on the main drag. I hadn’t
been there in awhile, and it was a nice change of pace. They had a
warm atmosphere, country music played in the background, and the
wooden booths were dotted with red cushions across the bench seats.

Talking
over dinner, Nick filled me in on his latest work gossip. He had to
hold the conversation, because I wasn’t my usual chatty self. I
felt empty. Nick seemed oblivious and fell right back into our old
pattern like we’d never split up and gone our own ways.

It
felt weird sitting here with him again. It’s not that we’d
been super serious; it’s just that we always ended up back
together having sex when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t
see a future with Nick, but he seemed to fill the void time to time.
He was a convenience, and a bad habit I needed to kick. I was
reaching out for comfort, trying to get over the man I loved. Austin
was still on my mind constantly, but I had to move on.

I
heard his laugh before I saw him. My heart dropped into my stomach,
and as I turned around to look, there stood Austin and Jake about to
be seated a few tables away. He glanced over and realized it was me.
His eyes locked onto my own. It happened in a split second, and yet
everything felt like slow motion. I didn’t know what to do - I
froze.

He
was wearing my favorite jeans and that snug gray t-shirt that clung
to his chest. It broke my heart seeing him there and hearing him
laugh. I realized he’d gotten on with his life and seemed to be
doing okay. It stung a little bit, but I was glad he wasn’t
hurting. What was the point in both of us being miserable?

I
watched him lean towards Jake, and then the hostess. He was leaving,
they’d go elsewhere. Everything inside of me was buzzing, an
ache running through me. I was shaking deep inside, though it wasn’t
visible. My face went flush, and I wanted to cry seeing his face
again. I missed him so much. I love him, I still love him. I hated
myself for letting go.

As
they were about to walk out the door, Austin changed his mind. He
turned around and made his way over to our table. No, not here, not
now…

I
felt shame run through me, and the closer he got, the more I wanted
to disappear. It was too late, he was on a mission. Shit.

“Is
this really what you want?” He said pointing to Nick.

“She’s
ready to date a real man again. She came crawling back to me, since
you apparently weren’t man enough to keep her.”

“Nick,
stop,” I said, not wanting him to make matters any worse. My
heart was breaking, and I desperately wanted to reach out and hold
him, tell him I still loved him, but I knew it was too late.

Austin
shook his head, “Disgusting.” He turned and started to
walk away.

I
couldn’t help my reaction, it all happened so fast. I jumped
up, “Austin, wait…”

He
put his hand up, “Don’t bother,” he said and walked
out.

Nick
was somewhere between amused and angry. “Are you using me to
get back at lover boy?”

I
shook my head. “I’m just trying to move forward.” I
dropped my head. “Can we just leave?”

Nick
shook his head, “You’re something else, princess.”
His tone was less than delightful.

“Forget
it, I’ll get a cab,” I said standing up.

“Whoa,
hold your horses; I didn’t say I wouldn’t take you home.
Just chill out, relax a little bit. When I finish my dinner, I’ll
take you home.”

“Thank
you,” I said quietly, staring at the food on my plate. I had no
appetite left. Everything inside of me felt like it curled up and
died. Seeing Austin again brought it all back, made my wounds feel
fresh, and there was nothing I could do but sit it out and wait to
heal.

“I’m
going to give you a little bit of advice,” he started, “not
that you’ll take it.”

“Great,”
I said rolling my eyes.

“Give
it time, you’ll heal. Look at me, I felt the sting of our break
up, and it took me awhile to move on, but I did. Well, until you
called me, and I’ll admit, I was hoping for a little booty call
after dinner, I mean, we do have some chemistry in the sack,”
he went on, “but I see now that wasn’t your intention.”

I
looked at him and said nothing.

“I’m
not the enemy. You called me,” he reminded. “I’m
just saying you’ll get over him, it just takes time.”

I
excused myself to the bathroom and sat in a stall crying quietly. I
had to get it out of my system, everything hurt, emotionally and
physically in this particular moment. I felt like someone seared me
with a dagger, and stuck their hand into my body, yanking out my
heart.