More Than I Wanted (8 page)

Getting
in the car, I gently placed my hand on his arm, “Hey, are you
okay?” I offered an olive branch, wanting to smooth over our
earlier argument. As much as I hated what happened, I hated having
this tension between us even more.

“Yeah,
I’m sorry I exploded earlier. I overreacted. Listen, I’m
going to have trust issues. I apologize whole heartedly for that, but
it’s who I am.” He warned me of his trust issues early in
our relationship, and I understood where they came from. It was just
one of those things that I didn’t think would ever be an issue
for us – until it was.

“And
I’m really insecure, so if you can deal with that, I’ll
tackle your trust issues. Is it a deal?” Dear goodness, do I
have a lot of insecurities. If he knew how deep they ran, he’d
probably run screaming in the other direction just to get away.

He
smiled softly, “Deal.”

I
leaned over and accepted the peck he was offering. It was still a
quiet drive home, but at least I felt like our argument was
officially over. The tension melted, but things weren’t back to
normal yet. The atmosphere had changed between us that day. It was
our first official fight and it felt bigger than it probably was.

Getting
out of the car, I took a deep breath. I guess it was now or never,
knowing if the tension had truly passed. Unlocking the door, he
didn’t linger as close as he usually does, and it concerned me.
I felt like there was unresolved conflict, though it wasn’t
spoken. We might have made our peace, but it was still in the air. I
knew it would just take time, but patience wasn’t my strong
suit.

“Can
we talk for a little while?” I said grabbing a couple of drinks
out of the fridge for us.

“Sure,”
he obviously wasn’t rushing to get to the bedroom. But was it
fair to expect him to? Truthfully, I wasn’t feeling amorous
either, but knowing he didn’t want me in that moment still
hurt. I hated the awkwardness between us.

“I’m
not sure how this will all work out. I mean, we’ve gotten to
the point where we care a great deal about each other, have admitted
to feeling love, and yet there are a few things we’ve never
talked about. We seem to skirt around issues that might leave us
uneasy. Maybe we should look at and maybe even tackle a few of them.
Honestly, I’m still concerned about you going away, and how
that might change us as a couple. How can it not?”

He
stood, his hands in his pockets, looking like a little boy. “I
hate stuff like this.”

“I
do too, but I figure we might as well deal with it now, since there’s
tension in the air.”

Nodding,
he sat. “Fine, I guess now is as good as any other time.”

“Austin,
the thing is - I do love you. I think I’m scared you’ll
be gone an entire year. That’s a long time. How do we know
we’ll be strong enough to go that length of time without
faltering? What if we fall out of love, not seeing each other? How
will we communicate? Will we even be able to? This is a new
relationship, and we’re still in the honeymoon phase where
everything is all peachy, and yet we’re promising to span an
entire year together – in separate places. I’m not saying
I don’t want to, but it sort of scares me.”

“I
don’t want to do this if you won’t be faithful. I can’t
handle going through that again. If you think you’ll want to
date, see other people, than you need to tell me. Not once I’m
over there and depending on you to be at home waiting on me –
but before I go. Don’t put me through that. If on the other
hand we weather this and get through it together, we’ll know we
can handle anything.”

“I’m
afraid of being lonely,” I admitted, “or you falling out
of love with me. Like, here I am waiting all this time, and then you
come home and don’t even want me. So it would be like I wasted
all this time for nothing.”

“I’m
loyal, down to the core. If I’m with you, I’m with you.
And it’s not like I’ll be out picking up women in the
sandbox over there. Trust me; it’s hardly fun and games. We’re
out on assignment, patrolling villages, hoping to get a shower time
to time, and hoping we don’t get shot at. Other women are the
last thing on my mind, trust me.”

“I’m
afraid of losing you, losing this relationship, and yet a year is a
long time,” I sighed. The word year seemed so innocent, but in
reality it meant 365 days – and that sounded a heck of a lot
longer than simply a year. And yet they were the same. It was weird
how something could feel okay one moment, and then completely
daunting the next. Unfortunately, I had the bad habit of over
analyzing everything to death.

“It’s
a long time for me too,” he said, “and I understand your
concerns, but I’m hoping you’ll think I’m worth it
in the end.”

“You’re
worth it,” I whispered. “You’re so worth it,”
I leaned across and climbed onto his lap, wrapping my hands behind
his neck, interlocking my fingers. I placed a tender kiss on his
lips, and decided at that moment, I was in – regardless of what
happened. Austin was my future, I was sure of it – I think. I
hoped.

Words
were spoken, but I think a lot more weren’t. We both sat
licking our wounds from earlier, wondering if our future was carved
out for us, or if we’d fall apart sooner than later.

I
want to say we rushed off and had incredible make up sex, but the
truth is we didn’t. The lust wasn’t there, what was left
was simply an over abundance of emotion, wondering what the future
held for us. I wondered if he would hold a grudge. My gut told me he
would, but who knew really? I just feared things would take awhile
getting back to normal.

Later
that night, I was on the phone with Heather. We got the baby talk
about of the way first, and then entered into new territory.

“Why
do you think you’re so insecure? You have nothing to worry
about, Austin is crazy about you,” she assured, “at least
according to Scott.”

“Yeah,
he talks about me with Scott?” I sighed, “I don’t
know. It’s just something I’ve always dealt with, and
then seeing Emily at the bowling alley set me off. I’ve been a
mess inside. It’s not like he wants to get back with her, but
his past was right in front of me.”

“His
past, Kate, and you’re the future,” she pacified.

“I
know, I know, I hate how I do this. Sometimes I just think he’s
too good for me. I mean, he’s a great guy, sweet, funny, and so
damn good looking. I don’t deserve that. At some point, he’s
going to realize how plain I am and look for something better. Trust
me, I wish I didn’t feel this way, but after all of that, we
didn’t have some wonderful make up sex, we sat and watched
television and then he went home. There wasn’t some grand sweep
me off my feet kiss, don’t worry baby, you’re the only
one for me gesture. It was simply -
see you later
.”

“Of
course you deserve him. You’re a great girl. I wish you didn’t
talk like this. You’re so pretty, you have a great heart, and
you’re fun to hang around. The two of you are good for each
other. Besides, it was your first disagreement about sensitive
topics. Give it time, it will all work out,” she soothed. “And
give yourself a little more credit, you’re a great catch.”

“Thanks,
you think? I hope it all works out. I hate how we left things. I
mean, we made up and everything, but it just felt, I don’t
know, off. And to be honest, I didn’t feel pretty after I saw
her,” my voice got quiet.

“That’s
ridiculous. You’re gorgeous, why would you even think that?”

“She’s
prettier,” I sighed. “I hate that his ex-wife is
gorgeous. I mean, couldn’t she be raggedy or something? I
always think if he sees her again, his old feelings will come back.”

“That’s
ridiculous, he hates her. She cheated on him and broke his heart. And
so what, she’s pretty. She’s also a complete bitch. Who
and what she is, well, that doesn’t even matter. The fact is
Austin can’t stand the woman. She is not your competition, so
stop making it into one in your head. Honey, you’re all that he
wants, you need to remember that. He’s there by your side, and
wants you to wait for him. Doesn’t that say something?”

“I
guess,” my voice was low, barely audible.

“It
has to be enough,” Heather said, “because if this is
always hanging over you, you’ll never relax. You’ve got
to trust that he’s there because he wants to be.”

I
wish I could just let it go, I didn’t know how. It’s just
that it’s always been there, this feeling like I wasn’t
good enough, or as good as others. Maybe it’s some silly ugly
duckling thing. It’s not like I had guys beating down my door
asking for dates in high school. I was just some awkward, shy girl
that blended into the walls. I never really stood out, and nobody
told me I was special.

Even
in college, sure I had a boyfriend or two, but I was more of an
introvert. I guess I put up walls before people could get too close.
I finally grew into myself and become a little more confident, but
then a dust storm kicks up, and I feel like I’m back to square
one.

I
cleared my throat, “Sometimes I don’t want to try. I’m
embarrassed to admit this, but it’s an entire year, and that
feels like forever. I mean, if he was local I wouldn’t be
questioning this. My reality is that I won’t even get to see
him, kiss him, or anything. And I won’t get to talk to him that
much,” I whined. “Seriously, I just don’t know if
I’m ready to tackle this. We’ve only been together for a
short time.”

“It’s
still a couple months away, there’s more time to bond, and your
relationship will grow.”

“Or
I’ll just end up hurting more. I’m so torn. If I walk
away now, I can save myself pain later, but end up losing out on a
great guy. If I stay, it’s going to tear me to pieces when he
leaves.”

“Are
you really considering breaking up with him, just to get out of
hurting and missing him? You’d walk away from a relationship
that you adore?” She was genuinely surprised. I’d never
given any indication that it was still a possibility on my plate.

“I
don’t know. I don’t think so, but I honestly have to
weigh all my options.”

“I
just didn’t expect this from you of all people,” she
said.

“Why
do you say it like that?”

“I
don’t know. It’s not like he’s going off to party,
he’s going to be under incredible stress, and I guess it
bothers me that you’d walk away over a tiny heartache. His life
will be in danger, and having someone at home will help him through.”
Her tone changed, “I guess you just don’t get that, like
military wives do.”

“What’s
that supposed to mean? Of course I care about him, but I need to
decide if that’s the life I want to take on. The constant
worry, the loneliness, it’s not fair judging me like that. You
might be used to it, but I’m not. This is all new to me.”

She
took a deep breath, “I guess. I don’t know what to tell
you Kate. I guess I expected you to be different.”

I
was silent and felt offended. I suddenly felt judged, and yet it was
my life. I had to decide what was right for me, not for anyone else,
just for me. And a year felt like a damn long time. Was I being
selfish? I didn’t think so, I needed to come to a decision
about my life, and nobody could do that but me.

I
worded my response carefully. “I haven’t made any
decisions. I’m just saying it’s been weighing heavy on
me. Just as I fall in love with somebody, he’s going to leave.
That’s a lot to handle in my world. I’m sorry I don’t
have military life experience, but it doesn’t mean I don’t
care.”

It
felt tense. “I’m sorry. I probably came off stronger than
I should have. I do understand, trust me, I do. I guess my heart just
goes out for Austin, too. Take your time and make the decision that’s
right for you.”

When
we said our good-byes, I climbed into bed. My crappy day had just
gotten crappier. First I had a fight with my boyfriend, and then I
had another with my best friend. The day officially sucked.

Rolling
over, I picked up a book from my nightstand. It was a paperback
thriller I’d grabbed at the grocery store, but no matter how I
tried to get into it, I couldn’t. It wasn’t happening,
and my frustration grew. I put it back on my nightstand, giving up on
my attempt at reading. My thoughts were clouded with thoughts of
Austin, our fight, his going away, and Heather’s reaction to it
all. Throwing the covers over my head, I groaned deeply. “This
sucks.”

I
climbed back out of bed and headed to the kitchen. Sure, make cookies
late at night, exactly what I need. I pulled out a roll of slice and
bake cookies and grabbed a cookie sheet out from the cabinet.

Slamming
the pan down on the stove, I pulled a knife out of the drawer. I
sliced the cookies with pent up aggression, and slapped them onto the
pan. Cleaning off the knife, I turned on the oven and slid the
cookies inside. Setting the timer, I frowned. This doesn’t
exactly solve anything now, does it? Besides, who were the cookies
for anyway, me or him. Oh, I’d certainly be eating one or two,
but crap, here I was trying to make things better. I realized I
wanted it to be better, I wanted to be with Austin, stay with Austin,
and I was so damn scared of losing him – whether to another
girl, his ex, or even to the war.

I
hadn’t even started looking at my fear of losing him “that
way”. There was real danger over there, and reports came back
about the loss of troops regularly. What the hell would I do? How
could I handle losing someone I loved? Maybe it was easier not to get
involved at all, why risk that kind of pain? It was too much to think
about, the reality of it all. How did families do this? It felt so
much bigger than me, and with every new thought I was overwhelmed.

I
sat down, placing my head in my hands. The tears were hot and silent,
rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to lose him, not that
way. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to go through that. I
didn’t want to, didn’t want to worry for 365 days. I
didn’t want to have knots in my stomach worrying about him if
he didn’t call or write. I didn’t want to wonder if he
was safe.