More Than Lies (46 page)

“You’ve liked him for so long and only him, Taralynn. You’ve never want to date other guys. It’s not that I necessarily hate that, but I know deep down it’s because you only want Shawn and if you can’t have him, you can’t bring yourself to settle for another. That was Lynn. Our love was one of a kind, but when I wouldn’t give her all of me, it broke her. She didn’t want to live her life if I wasn’t a part of it. She took her life because of me. I can’t let that happen to you. I won’t let him do to my daughter what I did your mother.”

He thinks I’m that weak?

Damn it, I’m not.

“Dad, no one has that much power over me. I’d never do that to myself.” I shake my head. “You don’t have to worry though. Shawn and I are over.” I have so many emotions coming at me right now that I don’t know one from the other.

“Taralynn, look at what happened tonight. You and he had a fight and you’re so damn broken up over it. I saw that when I walked in the door. He does have that much power over you.”

“A fight? We didn’t have a fight. He ripped my heart out. He broke up with me and not in a, let’s call this over and done with way. No, he could have sliced me with a knife and it would have hurt less. Shawn and I didn’t have a fight. He—” I can’t bring myself to tell my father what Shawn actually did. It’s not that it’s any of his business. Hell, what I just learned from him, I can’t begin to wrap my head around. Why would he keep something like that from me?

“He what?” His tone is angry.

“He, nothing. Forget about it. I can’t do this.”

“Sweetheart, I can see the broken woman sitting next to me. Please talk to me. Let me fix it.”

“Fix it? Really, Dad? There is no fixing it.” I throw my hands up. “I can’t deal with anymore of this. I’m so tired. If you think I’m that weak, then there isn’t anything I can say at this point that will convince you. I want to go to bed.”

I need to be placed in a coma. I can’t tell him that though, the way he’s looking at me right now might get me committed to the hospital against my own will.

I have try something else.

“Daddy, please take me home. I’m exhausted. We can talk tomorrow.” If I’m still here when he wakes up. I’m not so sure I want to talk to him ever again after learning everything he’s kept from me for over twenty-three years. He’s the real reason she hates me. Can I blame her?

“Dad, let me in the house.” What’s his problem? Obviously me. Well, I don’t care at the moment. I need Tara. I need to see her, feel her, hold her, and talk to her. I’m desperate. Can he not see that written all over my face? I thought I lost her forever just a short time ago. I need her now.

“This isn’t up for discussion. Get into the car, Shawn.”

“Dad.” I plead.

“Now.”

I get inside his car. Not because I want to, but because with the look he’s throwing me, I’m almost certain he’ll kick my ass and then put me in the car himself if I don’t do what he says.

“Where are we going?” I cross my arm. Might as well act like the child he’s treating me like.

“To a God damned diner. You reek of alcohol too.”

“Did you just say GD?” My father does not cuss often. He certainly doesn’t take the Lords name in vain, ever and I’m not stupid enough to say it in front of him.

“Now’s not the time to piss me off, son.”

We drive in silence the rest of the way until he pulls into an all-night diner downtown.

When we take our seats a waitress is at our table before my ass hits the cracked plastic of the seat.

“Can I get you boys something?”

I pull the menu in front of me, but soon realize I won’t be ordering off of it.

“Two coffees, please and he’ll have eggs over medium with lots of bacon and toast.” So I guess I really am five years old again and my daddy is ordering for me. Just fucking fantastic.

The coffee arrives a minute later and he hasn’t breathed a word. He’s just staring. His expression is blank so I can’t read him. With nothing to say from my side, I take a sip of scalding hot coffee.

“You can start speaking at any time now.”

What the fuck? He dragged me here, not the other way around.

“If I knew what you wanted me to say, I’d say it so that I could get back to my girlfriend.”

“You sure you have a girlfriend?”

I refuse to answer that. I refuse to believe I can’t get Tara back. I love her and I know she loves me. It’s just a matter of convincing her.

“Tell me what happened tonight…well last night. Tell me your side of it, Shawn.” He picks up his own mug, takes a sip, and then waits. I down the rest of my black coffee before I tell him everything I couldn’t tell Jacob an hour ago.

He’s going to hate me. I would.

Through two more cups of coffee and a plate of food, I tell my dad everything. I don’t leave anything out. I lay it all on the table from when I started pulling away from Tara after over hearing Jared tell her he loved her, deciding she shouldn’t be with me and how I had planned on breaking up with her. Holly screwed my damn plan up making it much worse than it should have been. How I didn’t come clean and I let Tara believe everything she said. Then I choke up, almost losing it when I tell him how I thought she was dead for several hours. How it felt like my heart stopped beating and then exploded inside my chest.

When I finish, I feel raw. It feels like it happened all over again and reliving that shit is taking years off my life. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’m still breathing. There was a point when I wanted to die, too.

I’m not near as strong as I once thought I was.

“Why would you think for a second you don’t deserve her love or Taralynn for that matter?”

“I don’t know.” It sounds stupid now. “I’m not a doctor like you and Mom or Shane. I’m not a lawyer like her dad. I don’t fit into that world.”

“For the love of God, Shawn, are you serious? Your mother and I couldn’t be more proud of the man you’re becoming if we tried. We never wanted or expected you to be someone you aren’t. You’re you and you’re doing something you love. How many people get to go to work and actually enjoy what they do? Not many do, son. Your job doesn’t define the man you are. What’s on the inside does and how you show the ones you love and care about does.”

“I know that logically, but I don’t want her to ever have any regrets. I want her to have the world. I want Tara to be as happy as possible.”

He laughs. Why he’s laughing I’m not sure. I just poured my fucking heart out and my dad laughs.

“That’s love, Shawn. When someone else’s happiness and wants come before your own, that’s love. When you find that kind of love, you grab on and don’t let go.”

“So how do I fix something I set out to destroy?”

“I don’t have an answer for that, but my suggestion is to tell her the truth and then beg her for forgiveness. If by some chance she does forgive you, don’t screw it up again.”

I need her. I have to fix this.

“Can we get out of here? I need to see, Tara.”

“Sure. I’m still in my pajama’s and don’t have a wallet. You’ll have to pay for all this.” He stands and walks out the door leaving me with the check.

It’s half past three in the morning when my dad drops me off at the curb in front of Tara’s parents’ house. My mom sent me a text when we were on the way home telling me she left with Jacob so I asked my dad to bring me here.

I knock on the front door not knowing what to expect, but praying she’s at least willing to see me.

When the door opens, Jacob is standing there with what looks to be a glass of whiskey in his hand. I get that tonight must have been hard on him too. Trent was killed only a few months back and then to think your daughter died too. That has to be rough, but I don’t have a hell of a lot of sympathy for a man that has never shown her an ounce of what my parents have with me.

Telling him this though probably wouldn’t be smart. He is after all standing between me getting to her.

“I need to see her, Jacob. Please let me come in.” I’ll beg if that’s what it takes. I’ll do anything to get to her.

“You failed to tell me you broke her heart.”

“I said I messed up didn’t I? Please let me in so I can try to fix what I screwed up.” He stares not saying a word. “Please, Jacob.”

He takes a step back, but before I enter he says, “Don’t come into this house if you’re not in love with my daughter.” I step inside, confirming my feeling for her, but not verbally.

“She deserves to hear me say that before I tell another person.”

“She’s been through a lot tonight, Shawn. Remember that when you talk to her.” He closes the door and then walks in the direction that I know his office is located at. I turn, heading in the opposite direction toward the stairs.

When I reach the top and come to Tara’s bedroom door, I don’t knock. I’m too afraid if she knows it’s me standing on the other side, she’ll tell me to leave. So instead, I turn the knob and push the door open. When I’m inside, I push it closed as quietly as I can and stand there. I watch her. She’s lying on the bed, on her side with her back turn toward me. I think she’s asleep, but when she speaks it confirms she isn’t.

“Dad, please leave me alone for the rest of the night. I don’t want to hear anymore.”

I walk forward, and then go down to my knees when I reach the bed. Placing my elbows on the mattress and entwining my fingers like I’m praying, I tell her it’s not her father.

“It’s me.” Her breathing stops as her body goes still. “I just need you to listen to me. Hear me out and then if you want me to leave I will.”

I want so bad to reach out and touch her, but I don’t.

Tara doesn’t speak, but her body moves slowly as she starts to breathe again. She doesn’t tell me no either, so I take that as a go head to talk.

“I fucked up, baby. I know I did. Last week I overheard Jared tell you he loved you and it messed my head up. I started to believe I didn’t deserve you like he said. I heard you tell him you loved me and that scared me. I started thinking about my parents and what they have. Deep down it’s what I want too, but what they have seems so unattainable. They’re perfect. Their love is perfect. I don’t know how to give you that kind of love.” I break for a beat needing to breathe myself.

“I love you.” Tara stills again. “I’m not just saying it. I do love you, Tara. I’m in love with you. No matter what you’re thinking right now, please believe I love you. I’ve loved you longer than I realized I even loved you and I can love you better than anyone else ever can. That’s a promise, baby. I messed up, and shit, I can’t take back what I said, but it was a lie. All of it was a lie. I let doubt inside my head and instead of being stronger than it I gave in and I lied to you, Tara. I didn’t cheat on you. I would never cheat on you. I swear to God, Tara I’m telling you the truth.”

I’m physically spent, but I have to finish this. I don’t know how it’ll end. I’m praying it doesn’t end.

“Did your dad tell you about Jared?” I really hate bringing him up. I hate that someone else said the words she should have only ever heard from me and me alone, but I need to know if she knows about his wreck and the other girl being killed before I go on any further.

“Yes.” The pain in her voice causes me to close my eyes briefly. I hate that I’ve caused every ounce of that pain. She does deserve better, but if she’ll give me another chance, I’ll make damn sure I’m that better.

“I thought that girl was you. Everyone did. There is nothing I can say to describe the agony I felt when Cole told me you were dead. I died inside. I wanted to actually die. Please forgive me.”

She doesn’t say a word for at least a minute.

“Shawn, I can’t process another thing tonight. I heard you and I listened like you asked me to, but I can’t forgive you right at this minute. I probably won’t be able to tomorrow either. I’m tired. I’m beyond exhausted. I want to sleep. I want to forget today happened. I want to forget my life happened.” Her voice breaks on the last sentence as a sob breaks free. My hands fall to the mattress. I fist the covers trying to purge everything I feel inside out through the material in my hands. “I don’t want to be alone right now. I thought I did when I came in here, but it’s all so much more worse when I’m by myself. Will you get in the bed and stay?”