More Than Music (27 page)

“I think she went out here,” Hector said, around the corner.

I stiffened, straining to hear if they were coming closer. There was nowhere for me to escape, and I didn’t want to talk to any of them at the moment.

“Leave her. She needs some time to cool off.”

Thank you, Kyle.

“This is what she does,” Jared said. “She runs away when she’s upset.”

“You
are
together,” Hector said. “I knew it!”

“No—”

“Then what was that back there?” Kyle interrupted, his voice quiet but sharp as a blade.

“I don’t know.
She
kissed me. Why don’t you ask her?”

“I don’t need to ask her. It was written all over her face when she walked off!”

“It’s nothing, I swear. Can we let it go already?”

“Stop lying to us!” Kyle suddenly yelled. I’d never heard him yell before, and it made me jump. Kyle
never
got upset. He was always the one who kept the peace, who calmed the other guys down, but not tonight.

“Fine, we hooked up!” Jared said. “Happy?”

“I fucking knew it!” Hector said. “First Becca and now Maddie!”

“This is
nothing
like what happened with Becca!”

“No? You slept with her and then dumped her, nearly breaking up the band in the process. How is this
any
different?”

Wow, when Hector put it like that, it was obvious I really had become a copy of Becca. Despite what Jared had said, he hadn’t changed one bit.

“How could you do this?” Kyle yelled. “She’s my
friend
!”

Jared said nothing in response. I peered around the corner and saw him staring at the street, head down and hands shoved in pockets, while his brother raged at him.

“I knew this would happen! Why do you think I didn’t introduce you to Maddie for
three
years? Girls throw themselves at you every day, but no, you had to go after the
one
girl I said was off-limits! And it’s my fault, too, because I knew Maddie was into you from day one, and I
still
let her join the band!”

I hadn’t realized Kyle had kept me away from his brother for so long. I assumed we’d just been school-only friends who didn’t really move in the same crowd. When we did hang out, it was always on campus or in a coffee shop or something. Once I thought about it, it made perfect sense. It must be tough having Jared as your brother sometimes. And I’d done the one thing I’d promised Kyle I would never do: fall for his brother.

“I said from the very beginning this was a bad idea,” Hector said. “Not because of Maddie, but because of your inability to keep your dick in your pants. And the worst part is, you went behind our backs and lied to us for
weeks
!”

Jared finally spoke up again. “Only because we knew you guys would be pissed, and with Dan’s talk about the producers and—”

“Don’t give us that shit!” Hector shouted. “We’re supposed to be a team! This isn’t the Jared Cross band, despite what the show thinks, and you don’t get to make decisions for all of us!”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Jared replied, his voice strained. “The whole thing was a mistake, and if I could go back and redo it, I would.”

Was that how he really felt? It was all clear now. I was nothing more than a mistake, another notch in his bedpost he’d like to erase, another girl whose heart he’d broken. I squeezed my eyes shut, but a tear trickled down my face anyway and I swiped it away.

“I can’t even look at you right now,” Kyle said. “I’m going inside.”

“Great, now we’ll have to find
another
guitarist or bassist,” Hector muttered.

“I know,” Kyle said, as they went through the door.

I covered my mouth to hold back a cry. They were already talking about replacing me. I was going to be kicked out of the band, and the life I’d come to love would be gone forever. Jared was right—this had all been a mistake.

I waited a few more minutes in the hope I could escape to the hotel without running into any of them. But when I rounded the corner, Jared was still there, holding onto the chain-link fence and staring at the street.

He heard my footsteps and turned, face falling when he saw me. “Maddie…did you hear all that?”

“When you called me a mistake? Yeah, I heard it.” I’d wiped away my tears, but my eyes watered all over again. No, I would not cry in front of him. I refused.

He sighed. “I didn’t mean it like that. And what I said to Ray in there, that was all part of the act, you
know
that. We both agreed we had to do this.”

“But when will the act end?” I asked. “When the show is over? What about the tour? What if we win? When will I be good enough to not be a secret anymore?”

“It’s not like that! The show—”

“It’s
always
the show or the band or some other excuse! How am I supposed to believe anything you say? You had no problem lying to your brother and your best friend for weeks. As far as I know, everything you told me is a lie, too, and you just don’t want to give up your infamous player lifestyle!”

He stepped back, like I’d punched him in the chest. “Wow. I thought you saw the real me, but I guess I was wrong. I’ve been with no one else since I met you. No one!”

“So tell everyone right now that you lied, that you do care about me, that we do have something between us. Tell the whole world we’re together, and I’ll believe you.”

He was quiet for a moment and then said, “You know I can’t do that.”

“Then I have nothing else to say to you.” I started to walk away, but he moved to block my path, pleading with his eyes for me to listen.

“Maddie, you don’t understand. This band is my
entire
life. It’s all I have. If we fail, you and Kyle will go back to school and on to other things, and Hector has his graphic novels and his art. Me? I’m a fucking bartender. Oh, wait, I’m not even that anymore because I quit my job to come on the show. I put everything I have, everything I
am
, into this band. We have to win, or all of that is for nothing.”

“How can you say the band is all you have? Even if we lose the show, you’re talented, and you have money and connections. You have a brother who would do anything for you, you have a best friend who sticks beside you no matter what…and you have
me
. Isn’t that enough?”

“That’s not what I meant,” he said, tearing at his hair. “Music is the only thing I’ve ever been good at, and if I don’t succeed at that, I’ll have nothing, I’ll
be
nothing. I thought you, of all people, would understand that. And if I have to pretend I’m single and that I’ll sleep with every girl in the world to keep people voting for us, to keep them coming to our shows and buying our albums, then that’s what I’ll do.”

I did understand, on some level, because that same passion for music and that same drive to succeed urged me on, too. But Jared’s words made it clear that this would never stop. Not even when the show ended because there would always be something else: the tour, the album, future shows. As long as we were
this
band, with Jared’s “villain” image, we could never be together.

“I love you, Jared,” I said, my voice breaking. “But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend we’re just friends and sneak around and watch you flirt with other girls. I just can’t. And you’re wrong—people will buy our albums and come to our shows because they like our music, not because of your stupid reputation. But if this is what you think the band needs, then I’m done and this is over.” The words were torn from my chest, burning my throat on the way out, but I couldn’t stop them.

His mouth fell open, but he didn’t answer. I supposed his silence
was
my answer. I darted around him as the tears burst free. I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t be near him, couldn’t hear another word from his mouth. I’d bared my heart to him, and he had nothing to say in return.

“Maddie, wait!” he called. But it was too late, and I was already through the door. Because that’s what I always did when life got to be too much for me: I ran.

I dashed inside the theater, tearing past the roadies and other bands, heading for the exit so I could return to my hotel room and sob my heart out in private. But before I could get to the door, I bumped into Steve.

“Maddie, everything okay?” he asked.

I wiped at my eyes but couldn’t answer him. No, everything was very much not okay. I’d just lost everything, and I didn’t know what to do now.

“Let’s talk somewhere private.” He led me to his office, with a desk and a computer and a mountain of paperwork. I didn’t know what he wanted, but at least there was no one watching me here.

He sat in his desk chair and gestured for me to sit. “I saw the interview, and I heard the band had a big fight outside. If there’s a problem, I can try to help.”

I sank into one of the chairs. How could he help me? He couldn’t fix things with Jared or the band. God, how was I supposed to face any of the guys again after tonight? They’d already been talking about replacing me. I’d turned out to be exactly what Hector predicted, and even worse, I’d probably destroyed my friendship with Kyle in the process. And Jared…I couldn’t even think about Jared right now.

I dropped my head. “I just…I can’t do this anymore.”

“I completely understand. You’ve been through a lot. This can’t be easy for you.” He folded his hands on the table. “We don’t usually do this, but in light of everything that’s happened, maybe it would be a good idea for you to leave the show.” My eyes widened, and he quickly added, “I’m not saying we’re kicking you off or anything, don’t worry. Just that if you felt you had to leave, we wouldn’t stop you.”

Would they really let me leave? It was tempting, more tempting than I wanted to admit. Being on the show for weeks, trying to keep up a certain image while putting everything into the band and our performances, only to have it all fall apart tonight… I was just exhausted. I wanted to go home and sleep for the rest of the summer.

“What about the contract? It says I have to stay for the duration of the show.”

“It has a provision that band members can leave in emergency situations. Say, if they’re injured or ill or if a family member passes away, things like that. This doesn’t technically qualify, but I’m willing to bend the rules a tiny bit. We don’t want you to be miserable, after all.”

“But what will happen to the band? Who will play guitar for them?” Even if the guys were mad at me, I didn’t want to screw them over.

“We’ll find someone to fill in for you, don’t worry.” He gave me a sympathetic smile. “Trust me, they’ll be fine. Let me handle everything. And if you change your mind and want to come back, that’s okay, too.”

I didn’t
want
to leave, but I couldn’t continue in the band either. That was clear after everything Jared and the other guys had said. Maybe the best option
was
for me to go home. Besides, it sounded like they would be okay without me. They could still win the show, and they could find a new bassist when they were ready, one who wouldn’t sleep with Jared and ruin everything.

I made my decision, and that night I packed my bags and left the hotel for good.

M
y apartment was empty when I returned, and the mail had piled up. Julie and Carla must both be out of town again. They’d probably told me at some point, but I’d been a terrible friend to them. We’d barely spoken more than a few words in weeks, and when we had, I’d lied to them.

I’d lost myself in the show, in Jared, in the impossible dream and the beautiful lie. No more. Rock Star Maddie had been a total failure. Time to return to Normal Maddie. I’d been a fool, thinking I could be anything more than that. I’d been perfectly happy with my life and my plans for the future until Jared had invited me to join his band and gotten me off-track. He’d tempted me to want a louder life, one where he and I could be together, but we’d been doomed from the start. That life was over, and now I remembered who I really was: the geeky piano player who dated safe guys, practiced guitar in secret, and watched from the sidelines while others went after their dreams.

Maybe if I begged the LA Philharmonic, I could get my internship back for the rest of the summer. No, that would be impossible. But there were plenty of other things I could do until school started. I had enough laundry to last a lifetime. I could start applying to graduate schools. I could lie in bed all day and get really, really drunk.

Guess which one of those I did.

The less that’s said of the next few days, the better. I turned off my phone so I wouldn’t have to deal with the outside world at all. I raided our alcohol supply and forgot about personal hygiene entirely. I ate nothing but ramen and ice cream and watched a ton of Netflix.

In my darkest moments, I watched videos of us performing on the show and cried about how I’d never be on stage with the guys again. In my rush to leave the show, I’d left my guitar at Dan’s studio, not that it mattered since it was broken anyway. Besides, it held too many memories now. It would be a long time before I could touch a guitar again.